A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi again, so I am trying really hard to stay in my marriage but some things need to change in order for that to be possible. I need to talk to my husband.... But I don't know how to do it, if I talk to him about anything serious he shuts down and acts like a 3 yr old. I need to explain to him that I need my own life. My own time to work out and I need some social time, (not with other men of course) but with family and friends. My husband has huge jealousy issues and feels I am going to leave him if I am not home or at work. I'm not a stay at home wife. I work and I never will be able to be a stay at home wife. We need two incomes. I can't live like a hermit. I'm so lonely. I need to get it through to him that he needs to help out around the place and follow through with what he says he will do, I do EVERYRHING with the exception of feeding his own dogs. Every once in a while he will help if he knows I am really really upset with him. But I would like him to help because he WANTS to not because I'm upset. He refuses to handle anything serious, like filling out forms, returning important phone calls,he's gotten a little better but still leaves it up to me until the very last second and then once I become extremely upset then he will do it. He can't do anything without there being an argument. And if we try to plan stuff and something doesn't go his way??? Watch out. His family.... His mom and I have had our fair share of disagreements. She is so rude to me and he never will stick up for me. His mom babies him and she lives right up the rd. I put up with so much and I am never good enough for her. Does she know that her son cheated on me and I forgave him and never mentioned it to the family??? NO. She thinks he is perfect. I don't like to complain about her in front of him and try not to. He is continually putting my family down in my presence however. How can I get him to stand up and talk to his mom about her being mean and nasty to me? His brothers and sisters say very hurtful things too from time to time and he just ignores it. My husband "started his own business" which really means, he is the owner, however I have done all the paperwork, paid all the bills, did taxes, kept the books all for him, he didn't do a damn thing but sign his name a few times. His mom tells how proud of him she is for all of it and he never once mentions that I help him out whith it, let alone that it's me solely that keeps the business running successfully!!!... Children. I tell him I don't want kids ever, Which right now I don't but I wouldn't be opposed to the idea if I felt I was actually married to a grown man and not a boy who is a child himself. I don't want my children having his mom as a grandma. I Can't help thinking about leaving him for someone more responsible, who is nicer in general. I know if I told him I want kids, just not with him, it would hurt him.... But I don't think he would make a very good father. He is grumpy and I'd do ALL the work... WhileHis mom gives him all the credit and passive aggressively tells me how much I suck. My husband has also never given me an orgasm in bed. I told him once be made me but truth is he has never. It's pretty boring. I just don't ever feel that passion, the only way I can get into it is by imagining others. I feel horrid for this and don't ever mention it, but I feel dishonest for never discussing such stuff. How do I tell him all this? I've been keeping it to myself for 5 yrs and it's starting to eat at me. I want to make things work out, I don't have a horrible life, there are plenty of good things about him, but sometimes these issues outweigh the good by a lot... And if he can't change maybe I would be better off finding a man and family who loves and appreciates all I do??? I'm lost.
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at work, cheated on me, jealous, orgasm Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 May 2016):
 I would start by asking myself WHY exactly I am " tryng really hard " to stay in my marriage.
Of course he must also have good qualities, nobody is a total irreedemable monster, but, if as you admit yourself, the bad greatly outweighs the good, then why even " tryng " to stay ?
He is grumpy and childish, you can't discuss your problems with him because he won't listen. He is jealous and controlling, even if HE is the one who cheated ! Your sex life sucks. He does not pull his weight and you are stuck with taking care of everything and working twice as much than you should. His family does not appreciate you and gives you a hard time, and yet he allows himself the liberty to put down your family. You can't have children with him because you feel he would not be a good dada ( I am faraid you are right ).
So, ask yourself : " what's in it for me in all this ?"...
That your life is " not horrible " ?... Look, you are young, you are healthy, you have a job and can support yourself. You can aspire to much much more than just " not horrible ", only it sounds that your husband is very much in the way on your road to MORE than " not horrible ". Then what's the point of holding on to him ??
Ask yourself : do I really want to stay married TO HIM,... or do I just wanted to stay married, period, because I am afraid to face life as a single woman ?
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (24 May 2016):
 Idk how your finances are, but you should consider building them up in case your marriage breaks down, because it is headed in that direction. You at least recognize that, but your husband, like lotta men, thinks that work has ended after the marriage ceremony and no more romancing is needed because things are, they believe, supposed to run smooth.
Another option is to threaten separation and or divorce if marriage counseling isn't done by him. Maybe he has anxieties, mental condition or Aspergers, but given that he does not how to respond to problems, he needs professional help guiding him as to how to respond to marital discontent.
Regrettably, I do think that some sort of a threat of a breakdown is required for him to recognize that there is a need for mediation. Since you have no children, that should be a lot easier for you to do, however, you need firm finances in case he does not respond.
You should act now because once you have kids, it will be harder and you will have a much longer list of issues and a huge regret, like my relative who feels trapped now, that you haven't moved on this matter firmly while you had a chance.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (24 May 2016):
 It is extremely rare that I recommend anything like this, but I think you will be doing him a favour by leaving him. If you are unsure if you want to make it permanent you could make it a separation. Just don't go back to him until he has learned how to cope on his own.
Explain why you are leaving and what you want. Make it clear it's not about another man. You can't live with him so you will have to live without.
I'm sorry this has turned out like this for you. Sometimes we can't change even when we know what is needed. If he is on his own he will have to learn to do the basics, shop, clean, laundry, and bills. He will need to get bright pretty quickly.
The other alternative is that he cons someone else into doing it all. That is not unheard of. If that were to happen would you care?
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (24 May 2016):
How do you talk to your husband about something serious??? Very simple...Find something he takes very serious, like this little bit here...
"My husband has huge jealousy issues and feels I am going to leave him if I am not home or at work."
So you come in and say "Do you want to get a divorce or not?"
If he says no, then you say "Then I want you to open your ears and listen to what I have to say. Do not interrupt me!!!"
You finish off with..."If you cannot help me to make OUR marriage better, then you leave me no choice but to get a divorce. I will not leave you for another man, but I will leave because you are not man I want you to be."
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