A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,Basically I have a lot of friends who are in the mindset that they don't want a relationship. I feel as though I'm in that category as I never feel the desire that I actively want to seek a girlfriend and I also really like my freedom.But at the same time I've been on and off with a girl for coming up to 2 years now, we've never been official, we hang out occasionally and have sex, a while back I did ask if she wanted to make things serious but it wasn't the right time for her she said.We fell out of touch a few times since then but picked back up. Right now as I type this, I couldn't care less that I don't have a girlfriend, it doesn't bother me at all, I still speak to and sleep with other girls besides this one in question and I assume she does her own thing also, but sometimes I get weird feelings and I don't know whether I just like the company that she gives me or what ?I was speaking to a mate the other day and he was flat out saying he won't get together with the girl he's speaking to and I agreed all the way saying I want to be single too, but then why do I get these odd feelings ? It's hard to even describe what they're like. It's probably my head saying I love this girl, but at the same time were both doing our own thing if that makes sense? I know she's slept with people since me and that doesn't bother me when I think about it, I used to hate her going on nights out because I'd be paranoid of her getting with other guys, but now even that doesn't bother me at all.I want these thoughts to stop entering my head and me just not even want to entertain a relationship, how can I go about this? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe said to me a while back she has a mental block stopping her from getting into another relationship. Her ex was very controlling which has a lot to do with it. She's 21 so I think she just wants to enjoy herself whilst she's young.
I hadn't spoken to her since Monday then I saw her out last night whilst I was drinking and she ended up staying over. It does feel casual but at the same time there's a little more too it. She's a good looking girl so could get most guys really but she's not really the type to sleep around.
And to anon, I don't think it's love as I think I'd care a lot more about who she's speaking to and if she's Seeing other people, but as of this moment it doesn't really phase me anymore
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 May 2016):
 When girls have casual sex, the typical reaction is that she's damaged, she's looking for approval from guys, her heart is closed. Is it possible that she is a pansexual, and she loves everyone she sees. She is the real definition of polyamory? People like these can be very inspirational, because they are out of the norm, yet they are confident to live lives as they wish. I think you love that her vibe is good. I mean if she's only that way to you, then you would think for other men it's just sex, but for you it's different because you are special.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016): Have you come to the conclusion that you do love her? Things any more clear.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the input guys, helpful to get an outsiders point of view
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2016): Well if its love there defiantly should be affection, I think its as important or if not more important than sex as a way of showing someone your feelings about them. I am glad to hear that you have some passion there then..
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah we are affectionate when we're together, kissing and cuddling and stuff it's definitely not just sex.
And she does stand out, we get on great together I've not met someone like her for quite a while that keeps my interest like she does.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2016): Are you lovey dovey together or is it purely casual no cuddling etc?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2016): Hmmm. I'm not so sure it's love.
If you were in LOVE with her, I mean REAL LOVE, it WOULD probably bother you, even just a little bit, that she has possibly slept with other guys while still having sex with you occasionally. And it would probably bother you, even just a little bit, that she is possibly sleeping with other guys right now.
I see no jealousy. I know this is not supposed to be a sign of love. But from my experience, it is.
You just seem to be too unaffected for it to be love. You speak so matter of factly about it all. Where is the PASSION?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2016): Well she must stand out from other girls when you get these feelings and seeing it's dragged out two years .
It is hard to meet nice girls, as it's the same as meeting nice men. They aren't like buses there might not be another nice one in a minute.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah maybe that's true, that I know she could be the right person when the timing is correct.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2016): Maybe you do love her or you know that you would love her when the time is right in the future and that maybe she is the girl for you and you know that deep down.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2016): Ok,first of all, not one of us can tell why you feel the way you do. We simply don't know.
We don't know your life, your upbringing, your family values. BUT you do know. You just have to do some soul-searching.
Also, stop discussing & listening to friends about details that are this intimate IF you are not clear on how you feel. They can influence you BUT their life, their experiences are not your experiences.
This is clearly demonstrated by : "he was flat out saying he won't get together with the girl he's speaking to and I agreed all the way". "But"
The "but" is yours. He might feel that way & you might agree in the moment but how he feels is not necessarily how you should feel,nor should you agree should you feel there is a "but"
Live your life. By your own judgement. Don't hurt others though.
I think you need to do a couple of things:
1)introspection. A lot of it. What do you want?Truly?
2) Consider alternatives. Ok,maybe you don't want a relationship (though that seems based on an inability to trust& a fear that you will inevitably be cheated on. Not everyone in a relationship cheats on their partners you know)
Possible alternatives would be, for example: an open relationship or give a go to a real, full-time relationship? You might learn a lot about yourself. Good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's the thing, I don't know why I'm having these feelings and that's what is bugging me.
A few months ago I'd say I was pretty infatuated with her, I wasn't interested in speaking to other girls and we kind of just invested our time in each other and saw each other lots. Now we may see each other like once and fortnight and I'm happy speaking to other girls and it doesn't bother me if she finds out, where previously it would of done.
Janniepeg, I think you may be right that it's just a sign of the times now and s lot more things are casual these days and that people want someone that they can be close to and have sex with, without having to put a label on it.
Anon, no, I don't get on with any other female as well as I get on with her. Shes someone that I could rely on for her to be there for me when I need her and vice Versa. Most other girls i speak to is just for the reason that I'm attracted to them or that were just friends.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (25 May 2016):
I actually first wrote the exact same thing as anon, but I erased everything because I am not certain if you are convincing yourself. I am aware that times have changed, and the mentality is different when you are 40, 30 and 20.
Sounds like you do want to experience true love, if it happens to you one day. You just have to find a more old fashioned girl, probably someone who's outside your circle of friends who are desensitized by the fact that everyone is cheating. There is no "everyone," just different people with different backgrounds.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2016): So what exactly is your problem with not wanting a relationship. Or what are these odd feelings you get about her? Also do you see yourself letting her or are you attached to her? Do you not get on with the other girls as well as her?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah we get on very well with each other, we have stopped talking numerous times since I've known her varying from around 3 weeks to 3 months but we always find our way back to each other.
I don't think I'm trying to convince myself I don't want a relationship, I don't think I'd mind admitting to wanting one if I felt that way. I know lots of people that cheat on their other halves and see so many relationships that don't work out and currently I just don't see them having any value.
Sounds bitter I know, but I don't like the idea of putting myself in the situation of getting to know someone so well for it just to not work out or be cheated on.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2016): You seem a bit contradictory in your writing you say you use to hate her going on nights out but now you don't, I think you know you want a relationship, but you are trying to convince yourself your better off single and you are probably copying your friends who are single. The only way you can stop these feelings is by ignoring her and not seeing her, but when you do want to settle down she might not be there or wont want you back or is with someone else. Its a hard one but think carefully. Do you click or what makes her stand out from other girls you are chatting too?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry I forgot to add.
But I keep having these odd feelings about this girl and I struggle to describe how they make me feel.
I don't lie awake thinking I can't go on unless I'm with her although maybe it would be nice, but at the same time I'm happy to speak to other girls in an intimate way. Hopefully this makes sense to you guys.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your input guys.
It's more just that a relationship isn't viable for us at the moment, we've decided that the timing is a little off, she wants to travel and I'm happy being single, we also discussed that some way down the line maybe in a few years that something would happen there, but who knows? A whole host of things could happen in the mean time.
I'm not being single because I want to sleep with as many girls as possible, I just have a lot of reasons why I don't like the idea of a relationship that puts me off them.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2016): your are probably feeling comfortable around her and you are starting to feel at peace in her company.
Yes it could be the start of something more. Though it will not grow to anything significant while you spread yourself around.
Yet there will come a time in your life when settling down will seem the logical and smart thing to so. Maybe that time in your life is on it's way.
When you do finally settle down you will no doubt kick yourself for waiting for this for so long.
A faithful committed relationship beats bed hopping any day
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (24 May 2016):
You can love a person as a human being, or you can love a person to want to possess her and think about long term. It's easy to confuse the two. It's fine that you can't elaborate on your feelings. What's more important is that your interactions with people bring you joy.
I think we humans used to be promiscuous. Then came religion, agriculture and civilization. We had to be responsible when we love someone. Now we are going to reclaim our freedom because there the family unit is breaking down, and there is no shame in casual sex anymore, while still having these residual things in our dna that make us question our behavior.
...............................
|
