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*m1962
writes:Thanks so much in advance for your insight(s).After years of quick flings, NSAs and not-quite-rights, (I'm 47) I all but shut down my sexual activity and adpoted a "been there done that" mentality, I'm recently re-inspired.I believe that I have finally found a long-term partner.1)thoughtful2)intelligent3)sexy4)loyalProblem is that we met through a mutual friend while engaging in PNP. I told this man from the get-go that I want him and not the PNP.Its been 5 months seeing one another without any disloyalty.Recently, I had the urge to PNP so put some feelers out on chat boards, etc...While I did not go through with any dates or contacts I think that my new love has been tipped off by someone about my "feelers". I am devastated and embarrassed, since I *am* loyal at heart, didn't do anything and I don't know how to address the seemingly awkward situation. Not truly knowing who it was or how he may have found out.I really need to tell this man that he's the only one for me and to explain the situation (or do i?) without hurting him or losing his trust.My vision is to be with this man as a companion through thick and thin, monogamous or not. Reply to this Question
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reader, mm1962 +, writes (30 October 2009):
mm1962 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again so much to everyone. I posted a new question: how to initiate the conversation as I now "put it out there" about my activity.
Appreciate all of you, thx.
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reader, mm1962 +, writes (30 October 2009):
mm1962 is verified as being by the original poster of the question...but I chose to confess briefly over email and assured him that nothing happened and that I'd like to talk about "things".
I had to address it as he didnt' directly say anything which hurts the most.
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reader, mm1962 +, writes (30 October 2009):
mm1962 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm thinking of sending him a link to this question as my way of breaking the ice.
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reader, mm1962 +, writes (30 October 2009):
mm1962 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again, I feel honored for all the attention and it's really helpful since yes I did feel quite confused.
The way he responded was to drop hints, the best I could do was drop hints back since there is no solid evidence that I have been busted. My hint to him was that I may have fantasies but don't act on them.
He seemed sort of sad and preoccupied when we were together last, tho lit up when I assured him that there's no-one else and its either him and me or the "palm twins" and me.
We really *do* need to talk. That's what I'm going to have to tell him first, as I don't dare tell him this over email or phone. I want to be physically with him at the time, as difficult as that may be.
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reader, Lola1 +, writes (30 October 2009):
 Your ex-friend being a busybody is a moot point. It distracts from your feelings of guilt. You have to address why you feel that way and where the relationship is going.
With all due respect, I am starting to get confused by your posts. They are unclear. If your head is as unclear than you need to think about what you want (as quiet-echo suggested) BEFORE you talk.
Good luck.
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reader, mm1962 +, writes (30 October 2009):
mm1962 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter having thought about all your excellent feedback I'd say that the core of my issue is that we need to talk.I felt that perhaps he was "doing it" (saw definite signs) elsewhere, and while hurt I also realized that YES I do feel that the relationship is solid enough regardless.The big question I still have yet to answer is how to tactfully address the awkwardness of this (ex)friend being somewhat of a busybody. OR - am I unconsciously trying to shift focus away from my being naughty.To clarify: I *don't* feel the need to pnp with him at all, he likes it - tho - and has difficulty feeling comfortable without it. I'm happier with him without that crap.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): have you two discussed what you are looking for in a relationship! If you both are ok with the nsa and pnp scene then there isnt a valid reason for him to be upset. If you were both claiming to be commited then i think you owe him an explanation as well as an apology. I have said this many times to other people but i think you need to have a long talk. Every good relationship must have a foundation of trust. Hope that helps ;).
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reader, cupidislandgal  +, writes (30 October 2009):
 Can you please tell me more about your feelings and how long you have been online doing these things and if you are scared bcause you think u met the right one and doing this to comfort you!!!!!!!!IM SO CONFUSED!!!! I want to know how your minds think...because I figure If my BF was happy and content with our sexual relationship like he says WHY WHY WHY does he feel the need to look at gay porn and sites and text ts/tg/tv's.... I feel so less a woman because of what he did ........how do you get past this and IS IT POSSIBLE FOR YOU ADDICTS TO GET PASSED IT?? Im hurt as im sure your companion is too!PLEASE HONESTLY EXPLAIN YOUR MOTIVES!!!
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reader, cupidislandgal +, writes (30 October 2009):
Read my post..OMG..am going thru similar thing but I must say it pisses me off that you guys do shit like that (compulsions) and dont take into consideration how it will affect your mate!! Mine tells me he does it for THRILLS but I cant help wonder if thats a crock... Im really starting to doubt his loyalty...and just let me tell this.. I FEEL VERY BETRAYED and I think its ok because everything we do starts in the mind and then proceeds to acting upon a thought and then it has taken control of your life!!!!!!!!! He says he wont ever do it again but if its a sickness you will do it again and you will betray the TRUST of the one u supposedly LOVE!! Sooooo whats a girl to do..hmmmm.....I think we are just a bunch of selfish self centered human beings who care about no one but our own desires and compulsions.I think we all should seek professional help! Good Luck !
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reader, Lola1 +, writes (30 October 2009):
It's time for a conversation, however you have breached the relationship rules and it may take a LOT of time and effort to repair the damage (rebuild the trust).
I wonder why you did not initially express to him that you wished to engage in a play and party event (or is it party and play?). Why did you not ask him how he felt about doing so, considering the success you were having together in a relationship and put "feelers" out to see if he was interested in participating? You met him in that kind of atmosphere. It would not have been a big leap to assume he might have been ok with it, if included.
We can't, however, go back and change the past. You owe your new love a BIG apology and an explanation. Be candid and explain what you want from him. Then leave the ball in his court to respond. Explain that you should have gone to him first instead of having him find out the way he did and that you will not do that again.
You may find he is interested in the same level of “monogamy” as you are.
Good luck.
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reader, mm1962 +, writes (30 October 2009):
mm1962 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI ought to have said:"monogamous or not" means that I'm open to whatever works with him, we have yet to verbalise to what degree we are "open" or not.monitoring: NO, I believe it to be a mutual friend who generally lives on those types of internet sites. I do not talk to this person anymore and he truly hates me. So my b/f sent me an email saying that so and so sent him a curious message about "privacy" on those sites. This is where I believe I was busted.what would I have done? I *did* receive enticing replies, all the while realizing that I wouldn't be able to follow through. I did make arrangements with a few and cancelled as I couldn't go through with it.
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reader, mm1962 +, writes (30 October 2009):
mm1962 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI ought to have said:"monogamous or not" means that I'm open to whatever works with him, we have yet to verbalise to what degree we are "open" or not.monitoring: NO, I believe it to be a mutual friend who generally lives on those types of internet sites. I do not talk to this person anymore and he truly hates me. So my b/f sent me an email saying that so and so sent him a curious message about "privacy" on those sites. This is where I believe I was busted.what would I have done? I *did* receive enticing replies, all the while realizing that I wouldn't be able to follow through. I did make arrangements with a few and cancelled as I couldn't go through with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): i dont understand what you are talking about. NSA and PNP? Acronyms im good at making up words to fit but i doubt if i would be even close! And if monogamy isnt an issue, why the panic?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): I am not sure that you being loyal at heart makes a damn difference dear, as you seem to have contradicted that by your internet use! I mean if you think of him as your longterm partner, why do that bozo!?!
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reader, bitch +, writes (30 October 2009):
PNP???? NSA???? ok why couldn't you spell the entire word if you can spell every other word in this post? Anyways, I am guessing that pnp is an online dating service? if so you should not have been on there if you are happy enough in your current relationship. What if this guy was on the pnp behind your back? What would you think? Put yourself in your partners shoes, and if you really like this person, don't do it again EVER. And I am not sure how you explain it to him but maybe you should say you werent sure about him... that is what it seems like to me.
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reader, duce00 +, writes (30 October 2009):
 Pardon me for being a little slow but what are NSA's and PNP's?
As for getting busted. You might have done some real damage with your internet activity. You did not really go into why you were "putting your feelers out" on the internet. That is really the matter here because you would not have been window shopping if you were happy.
I think the fact that he caught you like he did is interesting. Does this mean he was monitoring you or that he was on the same sites...that would shed some light on the whole matter too.
You said that you wanted to be with this man "monogamous or not". I am not quite sure what to make of that considering the matter at hand.
It would be nice to get a little more background before I really chime in on this one. I hope you don't mind me being rather dense about some of it.
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