A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm going to ask some... um, shall we say, hypothetical questions here about dancing and whether or not it is "cheating". Hypothetically if you've been with a guy for 4 years or so, and you do these things:1. Slow dance alone in a room with another boy who always had a thing for you while drunk at a party, and your boyfriend is passed out drunk after throwing up in another room. And yeah you kinda liked it and yeah you kinda wanted something more to happen but you were drunk so of course you'd be a bit... open... and nothing DID happen, just slow dancing. 2. Dancing/grinding with your girlfriends at a club (no boyfriend present) and also dancing with a, um, group of guys (strangers)- or really a few groups of guys that come and go throughout the night- but not letting them grab you by the waist or touch your butt or buy you drinks... and yeah it was fun and yeah some of those guys were cute, and yeah it was all a big turn on, but nothing more happened! 3. Going to see male strippers and um, getting a really raunchy, really sexy, lap dance from one of them where you are basically simulating sex with a very buff very built very attractive very sexy man in nothing more than his boxer briefs. But it's just good fun, right, and it's the guys job to turn you on, so... can't really be blamed can you, sometimes your urges get the best of you.Would you consider any of that cheating? Is one more or less cheating than the others? If you were a guy which one would piss you off the most?
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (30 October 2009):
 Neither is 'cheating' but that's not the only way to screw up a relationship.
If my girlfriend did 1 or 3 I'd be really upset I think. I know I would never do either and would expect her to be upset with me if I did.
2 is less of an issue. As long as there's no touching and buying drinks etc. But if she made a habit of it every weekend then I'd think twice. Or just go out dancing with her and be the guy that does get to touch her :)
A
female
reader, AngellicaWaters +, writes (30 October 2009):
 I would say, if it's something that would hurt the other person, it could be considered cheating. I would also say though, that if you have not clearly defined what each of you consider cheating in your relationship, it makes it pretty hard to lay any blame for these grey areas.
The best thing to do is to communicate and for any relationship make agreements as to what each of you expect of the other in terms of not cheating.
All relationships are based upon agreements, you should have these set at the beginning of a relationship so that there is no room for error. You both can do this now though, so you both don't have to question these things in the future. Make agreements regarding all things (kids, marriage plans, finances, cheating, communication, romantic efforts, expectations etc.)
Also, I know it may be unwelcome, but I must say it's simply not wise to get drunk and simply let things happen to you. You are in charge of what happens to you and being drunk is not an excuse to let unwise actions hurt others or yourself.
People who go out and get drunk regularly end up with alot of ruined relationships and broken hearts due to their lack of inhibitions while drunk. For the sake of your own long-term happiness, just refrain from doing this.
I wish you the best and hope you can work things out.
-Angellica Waters
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (30 October 2009):
It doesnt matter if your define it as cheating or not, what matters is whether or not it upsets your bf. And if it upsets him, then you need to respect his feelings. What is more important to you, your bfs feelings (where his love and the relationship is long term) or some instand gratification and temporary ego boost your get from these random guys? Hopefully you chose the first one, your bf.
In regards to your friend I think that is very inappropiate because you KNOW he likes you and you slow dance iwth him, which is typically a romantic thing to do...it could easily be giving him the wrong idea.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (30 October 2009):
I'm assuming that you're asking this because your boyfriend is annoyed? The answer is you've not cheated at all.First of all, it was only a slow dance with another guy who likes you, but nothing happened and your boyfriend was passed out having been sick, so I don't blame you for anythiong there anyway.
Secondly, everyone is allowed to dance, and nothing actually happened.
Thirdly, guys go to see strippers all the time and it really doesn't make a difference.
I'd suggest that if you're boyfriend is unhapy about all three, or if someone else's boyfriend is, that he might be a bit controlling. But I don't think you've done anything wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): I would consider the third one there cheating. "Can't really be blamed can you" Uhm Ya you can! You're the one who got into that strip club and sat down and got that lap dance, so it's not like you're innocent.
But whatever, it's between a couple to decide what is crossing the line for them and what is not. Example: my ex bf would let me sleep with girls and make out with them. My current boyfriend won't let me give a friend-kiss to my best friend, because he considers it cheating if my lips touch someone elses lips.
So there you go, and of your boyfriend find these things to be cheating you need to sit down with him and compromise!
However in general: dancing unless it's dirty dancing (not the movie) isn't cheating, it's just having fun. Although you might want to dance with your bf when he's around, and then dance with someone else when he's not at the same party.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): Well, your um, shall we say, hypothetical questions are a bit ridiculous. Not ridiculous it the way that they COULDN'T happen, but definitly in the way where you should know that those things SHOULDN'T happen when you're in a committed relationship I think. I don't know if this is a real question seriously, but it entertained me enough that I want to answer.
So, the first one. I think that if you're doing that with a guy you know has a thing for you and you "kinda wanted" something more to happen, then that's an issue. I don't care that you've been drinking, that's an EXTREMELY poor excuse, in my opinion. I don't think being a bit drunk and being more "open" is not an excuse for making decisions to do things like that because originally you chose to let yourself drink and get drunk in the first place. Any decisions you make are yours and yours alone because it started with one you made anyway. However, the fact that you wanted more to happen is not completely explained away by the drinking, there may be a deeper issue.
The second one. Any time you keep saying "a, um" etc., it makes it sound much worse because it sounds like you're covering up what it really was. If this is hypothetical, just say what it is you mean. Anyway, you could excuse yourself from dancing with a group of strangers. You're there with your girlfriends, I'm sure at least one of them would be willing to take a break with you or dance somewhere else with you.
The third one. I have no idea what the circumstances are under which you suddenly ended up going to see male strippers, but I'd say that has a lot to do with how anyone would feel about it. Was it for a bachelorette party type thing or was it just you wanting to go out and see strippers? Yes, it's their job to turn you on, and you knew that going in there, meaning you WANTED to be turned on - by men who are NOT your boyfriend, and who you may consider more attractive than your boyfriend. A lot of guys worry that they're not good enough as some of the more attracitve model/stripper men out there, the same way some women feel about females in those roles. I think you're basically confirming any worry he may have about you not desiring him as much as other guys, which sucks.
I don't consider the first one cheating, and I consider the second one pretty iffy. The third one I think is ridiculous unless, like I said, there's some event like a bachellorette party associated with it, but even then I can't say I'd approve. You could have said no to ALL those things, but you didn't. I'd say they're all on a close level of unfaithful/questionable behavior. I don't know that I'd call it cheating, but it'd create enough doubt for me that I wouldn't be as trusting of the girl, or as trusting that the relationship could work anymore. Not only that, I think it'd be harder to believe a girl who does those things, especially when she's my girlfriend, if she then tells me "No, I want you more than them."
I don't know why you want to piss a guy off so much, but just do any of those things and find out. We're not this hypothetical guy, we don't know how HE personally will react. Just be up front about what you did, and accept whatever consequences come from it.
That was fun to answer. Good hypothetical question.
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A
female
reader, hillbillyash +, writes (30 October 2009):
well the first one is not cheating as such,but think about it, if your boyfriend did this with a girl and you was passed out in another room and then some how you found out later,how would you take it what would you say to him??? and theres your answer.
the second,well no not at all theres nothing wrong with silly flirting on a girls night out as long as that all it was set out to be and ends as.
and the third well lol,no thats what there paid to do make u blush and all hot but at the end of the night they usally bugger of home to there girlfriends,wife...boyfriends
so id say the first question with the slow dancing is the one you need to focus on and like i said what would you think about you boyfriend if the boot was on the other foot and theres your answer hun :0)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): Pardon me for being blunt but if you are enjoying these experiences with other guys so much then maybe you should become single and do it with a clear conscience. Attempting to define cheating is really not the point here. Define what you really want and you wont have so many questions about how kosher your conduct is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): I am a guy, married with kids and I love my wife very much.
Personally, I wouldn't consider any of it cheating as long as she is upfront about it with me. It has never happened though, so I can't say I'm 100% sure, but I think I am emotionally secure.
On the other hand, it's perfectly understandable if a guy gets upset over the situations you listed above.
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