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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend is trying to get pass the fact that I cheated on him and lied about it. The situation is that I kissed a coworker about 6 times and we ended up touching on each other. I lied about how the kiss happened and how many times we kissed. Also I didn't tell him that I felt on the bulge in his jeans.But eventually he found out. Either it was because he kept asking me on many occasions to tell him, or some psychic friend of his told him something I did and he confronted me about it.So now, after breaking up and getting back together a few times because of this issue, he finally told me that he wants us to try again and told me to never let this situation happen again. But he tends to bring up what happened from time to time, making some sort of joke about it to make me feel guilty. Now he's telling me that he doesn't even know if he wants to work things out because I lied to him about the situation and didn't fully tell him everything on my own without him having to ask. I feel as though I cheated because this guy was wanting things in his future that my boyfriend no longer wanted...marriage, children...and also this guy talks about his faith in God while my boyfriend doesn't really believe in that stuff. And my boyfriend has done and said numerous things that have made me feel insecure about myself, whether it be breaking his neck to look at girl's butts, asking me if he can slip an abortion pill into my food if I ever ended up pregnant, to hiding what I look like from his ex so she wouldn't think he couldn't find anyone better looking than her.It's hard for me to imagine our 1 year and 9 month relationship ending, but I just don't think he honestly wants us to get past this. And he's also contemplating revenge cheating. But not just kissing, actually having sex with someone else!! Whom I think will probably be his coworker who obviously is attracted to him.With all this mess, is there a way to fix this? He's at work right now and my mind is riddled with what I can do to fix what I have done. He doesn't even think counseling will help even though we've never tried it.Thank you for any helpful responses.
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abortion, at work, cheated on my boyfriend, co-worker, his ex, insecure, kissing, revenge Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Male Reader. We are doing alright for now :] If necessary I will look into that. Thank you for the advice
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): Overall it shows somewhere you value him and love that is why hoping children, marriage etc with him and it shows he is also a good person for you but the coworker thing has made a big mess, any way you said you are feeling guilty and showing interest change for him that is you have too much love for him so one thing I suggest you to tell him "Even if cheat me I will still love you and I will not cheat you" but be truthful and do it as you said and see I am sure he will change and he will never going to cheat believe me, try this I hope you will. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Fishdish. And yeah I apologize for coming off so defensive. I'm just mainly aggravated with myself for being something that I have never been like before. I've always judged people who cheated and now I'm one of them. I will have to see what happens...things may not turn out the way I would hope they could...but maybe the way I want things to turn out isn't necessarily the way it should. I'll keep you guys posted :]
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male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (6 March 2011):
"So I won't allow any of you people to make me feel worse than I already do."Posting your problems in the internet for getting help has a price. Yes. You will be judged.It seems to me that you already know what you should do. And you are trying to start an argument here to show yourself that you can prove staying with him is reasonable."I guess I'm too attached to let him go..even if it seems like the smarter decision."You are free to do whatever you want.
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female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (6 March 2011):
 That's sweet of him. People are never 100% "bad" if there's such a thing as bad anyway; that fact makes it difficult for us to have clear judgment when something is not working, and history with a person makes us want to weather the storm. I'm sure he's very conflicted on how to push through this with you, which is why he fluctuates between being vindictive, to joke-lashing out, and to kissing you to try to make it all like it used to be. Forget about the cheating for a minute, you're so guilt-ridden right now that I feel like if you were asked you would take it all back, wish it never happened. What's a bigger issue here, is these fundamental value differences which you attribute your cheating to. imagine you two get beyond your actions, all is forgiven and not thrown in your face: what then. At some point he's going to remind you he doesn't WANT little blasian kids around. He's going to devalue your religious beliefs, or at least you're going to feel a lack of spiritual connection with someone where you seem like someone who wants that in their lives. It's probable he'll do something crass or offensive to you in the future, just cause we're human and we do that to each other on occasion! Do you think that if all were forgiven you would be fundamentally happy? You might say yes right now because things feel so terrible and you just wish to be back in good graces. But, your post makes it seem as if you were driven away by your guy; sure you had a choice not to cheat, but if you hadn't been dissatisfied on some level to begin with, you wouldn't have had a wandering eye. I think THAT's why it can't work out, not necessarily the cheating: your value systems are too different, he's at the age where I don't see him changing his mind on children anytime soon. As for him being your first, that's difficult. But, we all have to start somewhere? Try not to place as much sentimentality on something any man could have done. I hope that helps a little. Sometimes the agony aunts can be a little on the toughlove side like they seem to be right now so I apologize for the judgments being passed, but I'm sure you're your worst critic right now anyway.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know that this is an unimportant addition, but I was watching the music video to the song "Marry Me" by Train. I involuntarily just began crying to myself. My boyfriend walked in and realized I was crying because of the song so he hugged me and kissed me. But even with that I tense up because I don't know what's going to happen to us. I tense up and try my best not to attach myself anymore than I already am. We also live together so that makes everything worse.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay. To a few of the people who responded, I am not using "lame excuses" to excuse my behavior. I feel horrible for what I did. This is the first time I've ever cheated on anyone in my life. I cry and beat myself up almost every day for what happened. I beat myself up for lying, and for even entertaining any interest in my coworker. So I won't allow any of you people to make me feel worse than I already do.
What I was trying to saying is that those qualities in my coworker is what made me attracted to him. I didn't just say to myself "man, he has awesome qualities. lemme kiss him!" It didn't work like that.
And I guess maybe the reason why I want us to stay together is because we were each other's firsts. I was 20 at the time and he was 27. So I guess with that, I tried to remain optimistic to maybe we could have a future together and maybe he would change his mind about kids. I always thought about how our little Blasian kids would look lol but anyway, I guess I'm too attached to let him go..even if it seems like the smarter decision.
And he says that it's not what I did that pisses him off. He says it's because I didn't just tell him all of it when he asked. But who really knows what they'll say or not say when they've never been in that situation before? I can swear up and down that I would never cheat or never lie about it. But if I was never faced with that, I can't truly give an accurate answer to what I'd do. And since I was so afraid to crush our relationship with what happened, I chose to remain silent. And that made things even worse.
So now my relationship is ruined, he doesn't trust me and probably won't ever try to, and he may switch up on me again and decide that he actually doesn't want to try and get pass this. So for now I just remain tense around him waiting for him to flip on me again.
I'm not trying to place all the blame on him. In the end it was MY fault for crossing the line and doing anything with someone that isn't my boyfriend.
But some relationships can get pass infidelity...I just wondered if we were one of those relationships.
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reader, Mark_25_  +, writes (5 March 2011):
 To be honest your lucky he is actually with you at the moment, you should have been dumped the moment you cheated. If he doesn't want the same things as you, why are you even with him?! It's not an excuse for cheating so don't try it. Your relationship sounds like it can't be fixed, so I think you should get out of it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): He should dump you. You cheated and now make up a bunch of lame excuses like he's not religious enough! Religious or not he has more morals than you do. And no, it's not fixable.
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male
reader, JJ_Junior +, writes (4 March 2011):
*TO the post below* *They're not married - read it again*Maybe you're in a situation where you just don't know what its like to be with someone who's actually a decent bloke..?Unfortunately I'm a bit narrow-minded when it comes to cheating and feel that if that's the route you chose then maybe you don't deserve this relationship to work because you've broken it anyway - BUT you still deserve a life and you need to get a fresh start.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): Plain and simple. It's not working. Get out. Now.
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male
reader, Capri2 +, writes (4 March 2011):
In the first place you cheated on him, so now you don't have the right to complain about him cheating on you. You would be very hypocrite if you do.I don't understand why do you want to be together as there is no love in your relationship. You don't love him and he doesn't love you. If you ever get married please don't bring a baby to this world as you will make him (the baby) suffer a lot in such family. You both have to move on.
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male
reader, yankit +, writes (4 March 2011):
At=re You Serious? You two shouldn't even be married. By definition you guys are not even remotely married as in faithfull. Sorry kids, after "I do!" It's all about "I won't" If you two want to mess around with others and get VD then get a divorce and drop the act.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (4 March 2011):
 Walk away. This relationship ended when you cheated. It's obviously not working. Get out before it gets worse.In order to fix things, you BOTH have to want to. I don't see that happening here.
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male
reader, sebaslookingforward +, writes (4 March 2011):
You should have broken up before cheating. If u say you have many values that your boyfriend lacks y did you cheat? Anyway i say that the two of you move on. Ive been recently cheated on by a girl so i know he must have felt like shit. Sure he was not a good boyfriend. But still
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): My thoughts:~Firstly, you shouldn't have cheated on him and you shouldn't have kept stuff from him when you confessed. But you already know that. ~ He makes jokes about it to make you feel guilty? That is playing mind games with you and that's not the way to conduct an adult relationship.~ If marriage, children, and faith are important to you, you shouldn't sacrifice them.~ He's not even willing to consider counseling? Revenge sex??? You have made some bad mistakes, but even so, he doesn't sound like he's worth the effort of trying to rebuild your relationship. You BOTH have to WANT it to work. Bottom line : Move on.
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (4 March 2011):
I would say it's unfixable. First of all, you two have drastically, fundamentally different values or goals on the table for yourselves. It's not a dealbreaker that he isn't in it for the long haul and that he doesn't want to be a father ever? Are you sacrificing the idea of having kids for him? Why didn't you just break up instead of cheat? I think you two don't have a long enough history to get through this kind of rupture in a relationship so young. That it's already unstable (due to the different goals and the cheating), it's not going to get better, and he's really not ready to give it a genuine last chance if he's still so hurt and bitter at your actions that he's thinking of sleeping with someone else. Has he asked why you cheated? what does he think of the fact that you say it's because you two have no common life plan/goals? I don't see why you would want something that you know really doesn't reflect what you want out of your life, to continue.Don't settle.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): I think some couples just bring out the worst in each other. Where will the revenge sex stop? Do yourself a favor and leave before you get hurt worse. He could hold this revenge sex thing over your head for a long time, maybe even years.
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