A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had a boyfriend. After a year and a half he proposed. We were engaged for 4 months and we broke up because he started a business with his family and told me nothing about it. I didn't like it because he was totally invested in it and practically left me alone with all the wedding planning. When I asked for more time, he accused me of not supporting him. The relationship deteriorated until we broke up. After a month I figured love was more important and I looked him up. We started dating but he really never gave the relationship a chance. Finally, he broke up with me again, I made every possible mistake, begged, called, all that. Eventually I realized I had to let him go and that would be the very best way to prove my love was real. So I did, and on Valentine's Day he sent flowers and two days later a Facebook message saying that he feels something incredible for me and he wants the opportunity to know me again. I replied, to make my message short, I said I didn't want him to play me, that I wanted a serious man, and that we should move on. He answered in less than an hour "Be happy I won't ever bother you again" and a second later he erased me and all my family from his Facebook. He didn't erase me from msn. I realize a relationship is a long shot here. But I'm puzzled and want to understand... What does his reaction mean? And will he ever call me again, even if he said he won't? Take into account that it took him less than an hour to erase me. I intend to move on, but I need to understand why? Will he call again? I really love him and want him back, but what is the best way? Should I wait for him to come? Should I go to him? Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (5 March 2011):
 Hi,
thank you for the follow up.
Your English was very clearly written, no problems there, even if English is your second language.
If you had made it clearer in your first post that he had explicitly told you that he 'did NOT love you' and included the context of when and where he said it that would have made my reply somewhat little different. Then i would have seen more justification for your reactions, but there are still some points i would have left as i wrote them
And i do sincerely believe that you love him and would like him back.
Whereas i can see some of HIS actions have been distressing and have made things worse. But there are also things you could have handled better.
At one point you did say that YOU personally had
''made every possible mistake''
Now that is a very telling remark.
But i still do not see that you have fully understood that deep down your actions towards him have been hurtful. As have his actions to you been hurtful.
Now you can choose to reject my assertion.
But every BROKEN relationship indicates that one or both people in that relationship do havs a lesson or two, to learn. If you choose to ignore all the things you did, that could have been handled differently, then you could, perhaps go on the repeat your actions in another relationship. And then wonder why the next relationship goes wrong too.
Counselling would be a great help, to help you uncover more, as i explained ih
I do sincerely read a post at least twice before i answer and jot down points i want to cover.
There are words that men use that DO also mean he loves you. If a man refers to a woman as 'magic' or in your case the word he used for you was: 'incredible' - these words are a man's way of recognising that he has been very moved by a woman and has strong feelings for her. Men sometimes are slow to use the 'love' word, but slowly reveal their unfolding love for you with words like 'incredible'
One can determine a lot by the way a man behaves. Yes he should have given you more weekend time. But establishing a viable business is very time consuming.
i have rechecked my reply to you, and i am sorry if you have difficulty understanding my English.
But no where did i make the mistake of saying you dumped him twelve times. You must have mis-read my reply or mis-interpreted my answer.
When you tell a guy to 'move on' which were your words those are words that any guy would think meant you were dumping him. Even if you do not think it is dumping a person when you tell him to 'move on'
My aim is to give a sincere and well thought out reply. I am very sorry that my reply did not fully satisfy you
I do hope that things work out ,
Regards,
Abella
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot.
Best wishes to you too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Denise. My head agrees with you, my heart is stubborn but i am confident time will put things in the right place.
Abella...Thank you for taking the time to write down such a detailed response, but i think you misunderstood me...maybe i didn´t explained myself correctly. English is not my first language but i never broke the relationship, he did, twice and he wasn´t willing to resume it...i mentioned he agreed but after i begged. There weren't twelve times, just two and i never dumped him. Once the business was set i supported him, and when i say he didn't spend time with me, i meant AT ALL even saturdays and sundays if i was lucky he would come to see me once a week. I dindn't let him go hoping he would come back, but because he said i should respect the fact that he didn't want to be with me anymore because he realised that he didn't love me as much as i loved him (his words) So i did! respected him because i loved him then as i love him now. He never talked about love, he said "i feel incredible" The word love was never mentioned he was just anxious because after two months i wasn't begging him to come back like i did before. And yes i love him, i've always known that, every single day. I never told him i didn't love him anymore, he did, more than once.And the terms of his message were not positive he wanted to "get to know you again, of course, only if you want to" see?? never assumes, never. I never humiliated him and i even defended him from my parents when they kept telling me i shouldn't be with a man that can't prioritize me and constantly stood me up. To make the message short i thank you twice because you made me see the light and removed the urge to call him that i had for weeks.
Denise, thank you again, you got it just right.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 March 2011):
You and he dated for eighteen months. He felt confident enough about his feelings for you, to propose marriage to you. Guys don't do that unless they feel good about a girl. You became engaged. And remained engaged for four months
You wanted him to spend more time with you, with him giving more time to you and more time to planning the wedding with you. And with him giving less time to his new business. He accused you of not supporting him. So by this time he had become concerned about your attitude and your understanding of the pressures on him over his new business .
Then you mentioned that ''we broke it off, because..''
Was it more that you broke it off because he started a business and he failed to give you the time you wanted? And he started to grow disenchanted by your attitude, and you felt him slipping away? And you remained aggrieved that he did not consult with you about establishing that business?
The relationship breakdown:
He must have felt sad about the relationship breaking down, because
he approached you in good faith at Valentines Day. in return you accused him of playing him.
Your response must have led to him feeling betrayed by the woman he loved, in the circumstances.
The Business:
Prior to that relationship breakdown he started a business with his family, no doubt seeing it as a means to provide a stable income after you married.
But you became unhappy about his actions surrounding that business because he got totally involved in the new business, which is a normal occurrence when starting a business. Perhaps he did not consult with you about the business because he perceived that your business experience is less than his?
The Wedding planning:
Most of the girls i know, happily, plan their own weddings in detail with some input from their mother, Aunts and bridesmaids. Even friends of the bride will add their recommendations in, for places to try, to get the best outcome for the bride. Mom's especially love checking things out and making suggestions.
Yes there is some consultation with the groom, maybe a visit here or there. But the average groom is more than happy for the bride to be to decide the majority of the details. Only on rare occasions have I heard of grooms wanting to take over from the bride, in organising the wedding.
Besides, by tradition the brides family pay for most of it, although today often the bride and groom may pay for it.
Or, if the groom's family are happy to do so, then sometimes the groom's family pay for fifty percent or more of the cost of the wedding. Especially if the groom's family want a more lavish wedding than
the bride's family could afford.
You tried to restart the romance:
A month after the initial breakup you had second thoughts. You approached him. He willingly resumed the relationship.
But you decided he was not giving enough to the relationship so it broke up again.
By this time he must have been feeling like a 'jack in the box' toy of yours. One moment you want him, next you do not.
And by this time the average man would have become VERY disenchanted with Yes No Ys No being played out.
And humiliated amongst his friends that he had lost the girl he loved more than once in the same twelve month period.
And men do get sad, and do discuss their breakup with trusted friends, and do get advice from friends who care about the guy.
And i can bet that the unanimous advice would be, 'this girl is causing you too much grief'
Then your 'second thoughts' kicked in and to quote you, you ''made every mistake in the book'' bombarding him with messages, but he failed to respond. He had become sick of your yes, no yes, no stance.
So you decided to let him go. In the hope that he would come back.
And he DID come back to you.
And he DID send you Valentines day flowers
And he DID send you an online message telling you in glowing positive terms how much he STILL loved you.
And did you forgive him and realise that he loved you and wanted him back?
NO, among other things you told him to ''move on''
That was a HUMILIATING response to throw in his face, like a glass of cold water stinging as a rebuke for all his efforts to try to show his love to you.
He is a living breathing man whose feelings and reactions have been directly impacted by your capricious decision making and your vacillating multiple unexplainable rejections.
He has not been unfaithful to you.
He has been accused of all manner of shortcomings.
Of course he had no recourse but to RESPECT your ultimatum to move on and delete all mention of you from his life.
Now he has decided he wants a calmer life. I do not think he could take another 'try again' followed by another break up. How many times can a man be slapped down emotionally, and still want to come back for more?
If he comes back to you again please have the maturity to calmly and sincerely
Tell him what he means to you, and apologise for all you have put him through and calmly agree to take him back and faithfully promise not to dump him again.
I think he wants a calmer more steadfast
loving partner in life who he can rely on 100 percent to mean what she says and keep her word and remain true to her word.
Not a woman who leaves him wondering when she might send him packing again.
I am so sorry that you are sad now over this further breakup, but if you thought first, and acted less impulsively, and learnt the skills of quiet reflective rational clear thinking when negotiating with others then things might have turned out better.
The only chance i can see for you and he to get back together is if:
1. You try some counselling to discuss your destructive communication patters
2. You choose not to date anyone else for twelve months
3. You say nothing negative about him to others
4. If asked by others you only say that
''i love him still, but my actions drove him away, and I am very sorry about that''.
5, explain no more than that one sentence in (4) above to others. Change the subject if they are rude enough to keep asking more.
6. If the time comes, that he does come back to you, then that will be the time to calmly discuss your relationship only with
Him.
7. If you discuss your relationship with friends, colleagues, family it will get back to him and humiliate him more. And it will drive him away further.
8. If you stick to only the words in (4) above then word will get back to him. And if you also stick to actions (1) (2) and (3) above as well he just may forgive you at some time over the next twelve months.
If he come back to you then consider yourself very very lucky
And if he goes on to marry someone else respect his decision in good grace.
But even if he does NOT come back to actions 1-4 then you will have learnt a lot and be a easier to deal with fiancee in the future.
I realise this has been a harrowing destructive sad time for you.
Do NOT go to him. He needs time to get over all this
For it has been the same for him, harrowing, destructive and sad. Plus his feelings would be more about humiliation, which is a horrible thing for a man.
A man needs to feel respected 24/7
Patience on your part please,
Good luck
and best wishes,
Abella
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A
male
reader, Jackalus  +, writes (4 March 2011):
I know you don't want to hear this but you should have said yes to his valentines day thing. If he has deleted you in under an hour and all of your family he has no intention of contacting you ever again. If you want to be with him then you need to go to him. But personally I can't see your relationship working
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (4 March 2011):
 He broke up with you twice.
After your honest response to his Valentine's day message he brushed you off once more. No doubt his pride was hurt, but if he was really serious, he could have replied with a more honest response as to how he sees your future with him - assuming there is to be a future, that is.
You do need to move on. Don't contact him, period. You have your answer in his behavior......sorry, but there it is.
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