A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My problem is that I hate porn. It dates back to many years ago when I had an awful experience and I have explained this to my partner and how it reminds me of a horrible time in my life which I have sought profession help to overcome. I told him that I need 100% trust on this. He promised me that he would stop using it when we moved in together and I said that I would never want to control anyone but it is a huge issue for me and if he needed it for whatever reasons to move on from me. We have a very close relationship which is very good on every level. Recently I have found out that he uses porn on our computer on several occasions by chance. This has resulted in me gently confronting him and him going on the defense (can I blame him as he knows the significance of this) and me feeling I can't trust him to be honest. Do I end a relationship which is good on so many levels? I feel my trust for him is fading.
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male
reader, Cupid Boy  +, writes (29 January 2011):
 If your views on porn are that black-and-white and you absolutely can't tolerate it, then your decision will be an easy one. You don't need our help to make it.
I'll go against some of the extremist views on here and say that you CAN find a guy who's not into pornos. Not everyone has the same values, and some have serious moral and religious objections to porn. But it won't necessarily be easy because porn is everywhere, it's gone mainstream, and boys around your age aren't always ready to fully commit to one person... whether in real life or just in fantasies.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 January 2011):
 If you let the past consume you, not only will you have to leave this relationship, but will always be running away from your fears.This man has done nothing wrong. He doesn't have your bad experience. You can't expect him to build his present life and future upon the ghosts of your painful past.Tell him again... you cannot be exposed to pornography in any way. Tell him to either get his own account on the computer, and put a password on it, or not use pornography in the house, or get his own computer and lock it away.You have bad experiences, you hate porn. No reason he has to expose you to it in away, but also there is no reason why he can't enjoy porn privately without your knowledge.Sorry about your bad experiences, continue to go counselling, otherwise you will never be free.
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A
female
reader, samismiles +, writes (29 January 2011):
Firstly I've been through a very similar harrowing experience. Sometimes boyfriends/girlfriends don't consider the impact that their actions have on your feelings especially with regards to porn and "just looking" at other women. Different women feel ok about it and there'll always be someone that says your over-reacting (usually men). However the fact remains that his actions have caused you hurt and distress, I remember the feeling of sickness when I found my boyfriend had kept lying to me, he doesnt use porn now that was over a year ago but even now my trust in him is knocked. I would agree with maverick494 and say that you definitely need to make him understanbd the sheer extent of your feelings towards this. My relationship is much better without the porn. I found that boys/men who have been single for a while forget that when in a relationship they have to act accordingly they can't just continue as before. Maybe sitting down with him and explaining point by point what affects you and how, then having a serious conversation about whether he can stop, tell him you want no lies and you'd rather know the truth now. I promised to break up with my boyfriend if he ever did it again and it shocked the life out of him. If your boyfriend knows that you'd even consider ending things because you feel that strongly maybe he'll start to re-evaluate his insensitive behaviour. As someone who has been through this I think you should keep working at the relationship paying particular attention to how much you can trust each other. Good Luck and don't worry things will work out either way eventually.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): I first want to say I'm sorry for whatever happened in your past, you should have never had to go through anything like that. Unfortunately, you're better off not trusting him as it will save you from so many letdowns. You can NEVER trust a man who uses porn to give it up, especially without any help. Oh sure, they'll promise over and over again to stop, but the fact is, they never will. What they will do is just find ways to get better at hiding it. They all have the "what she don't know can't/won't hurt her" attitude toward their girlfriends, fiancees, or wives. I don't enjoy telling you this, but sadly it's the truth. I personally can't say I absolutely hate porn, but I also don't see what the big deal about it is, (life-size barbie and ken doll looking people and fake orgasms unless its amateur porn) I'm guessing men just view it as a masturbation aid and nothing else. For whatever reason, their imagination just doesn't cut it. I understand that you're irritated, but I'm assuming that while your boyfriend may care about what happened to you in the past, he also thinks he shouldn't have to give up something he likes (porn) over it. And like every other man who uses it, he thinks lying is the answer. Now, only you can decide if his porn-use is a deal-breaker. You've already given him the option to end the relationship if he couldn't stop and he didn't, so it's completely up to you. Is porn something you can somehow learn to accept? If not, you might as well move on because he won't quit. If you stop finding it on the computer, it only means he has found another way to look at it. If you 100% can't tolerate it, your best option is to leave him and find a nice young woman to have a relationship with because you're a lot more likely to find a woman who doesn't use it (or woman who is willing to give it up) than a man. You have about as much chance of getting a man to stop watching porn as a snowball has in hell. I apologize if anything I said offended you, and good luck with whatever you decide to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): Ok, you actually need to tell us the experience in order to get some advice.
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A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy  +, writes (29 January 2011):
 If he is watching porn occassionally and you didn't even know until recently, what's the big deal? You say you don't want to control anyone. So stop trying to control him. Just make it a don't ask, don't tell topic between you two and don't think about it. If you tell him that you really don't like that he watches porn, but you understand that he's an adult and can make his own choices, he'll respect you for it. He might even stop simply out of that respect.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (28 January 2011):
To be honest I don't think I can answer this unless you can elaborate in some way how porn correlates with this traumatic experience you had.
For now I'll use what you've written so far.
I think the reason he does it is because your he doesn't share your dread and might not even understand it. I think that if you feel so vehemently about it, you need to find away to drive home to him what this really means to you. He needs to be able to put himself in your shoes in order to stop. That's how it works for most people.
So try that first and if that doesn't work, get in his face about him making promises he doesn't intend of keeping.
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