A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi To everyone,I am a 31 year old male from the UK, I have never had an issue like this before and it is seriously impacting on multiple aspects of my life. Work and social life have suffered due to what I can only put down to anxiety or jealousy, jealousy that I am ashamed to admit has been carried over from the result of a previous relationship in which I found that my ex wife had cheated on me.Fast forward to today..I have the most amazing girlfriend, she is kind, honest and hardworking along with one of the most loving people you could ever wish to meet. However, recently I have started to think that when we are apart she is up to no good, even in work etc although in my heart of hearts I know she would never ever do that to me. We have discussed this and she tells me how much she loves me, we are moving in together soon and we see each other almost every day but I just want to try to find a way to put this out of my mind as I end up hurting myself when I start thinking of outlandish things and my beautiful girlfriend being with someone else.the only way I can describe it when I have one of these moments is like having pure poisen surging through my brain and dictating my train of thought.Any advice would be very much appreciated.All the bestMac
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cheated on me, ex-wife, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): Hi,
I just wanted to know if you were ever able to deal with this problem. My boyfriend is extremely jelous and it tore apart our relationship. I love him so much and can't stand that we are apart but have had to end it. He has now being seeing a pycologist to get help but how do I know if he can change? That is why I just wanted to find out if you were able to. Thanks.
A
female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 I agree with everyone. If there is one thing that damages people's trust and emotional stability, cheating will top the list. I am also impaired by what happened in my past, my ex cheated and left me for another woman. Even to this day, I am currently in a better relationship with someone new for close to a year now, I have this rage and anger inside of me which I cannot explain. And sometimes at night when I am alone, I just cry out of frustration. I can't understand what I feel.I feel my current boyfriend now is not like my ex and I believe I am the only woman that he loves. I don't want to ruin this relationship just because I am wounded emotionally from my past. Don't worry OP, it is normal for you to feel this way. Before it damages your current relationship and result to you losing the woman that you love, find a way to control this. Think that it's all in your head. What you think is what you do. If you feel she is doing something behind your back, you become possesive and might smother her, and this will drive her away. If you trust her, you will not choke her and she will want to be with you. The memory of you is always happiness for her and not a memory of mistrusts and fights and insecurities. This will make her stay. People enter into relationships because it makes them happier people not miserable people. It works that way.If our advice doesn't help you, it is time for you to seek some professional help. People resort to seeing professionals, attending seminars or even start a prayerful life. Anything that will help you combat your inner fear. Find healing.Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): My ex hubby did the dirty on me and years later i found myself in a new marriage and suddely having these odd feelings too so you are by no mean the only person to experience this!
Even when your partner drums it into you that he/she loves you and wouldn't do that you mind does still wander, as mine did.
The issue seems to be bottom line trust and this could put a strain on your partner and your relationship.
I attended a counsellor whom explained that a break up is in essense a grieving process over a relationship which is true, maybe you haven't grieved fully for what happened and what she did to you.
If these problems persist hunny, go see someone about councelling, take your current partner and work on trust issues together! This may enlighten ur g/friend to exactly how u are feeling. Your current g/friend sounds lovely and very understanding so please consider her feelings too.
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (24 February 2011):
 This might help, it helped me.
Think of all the ways your girlfriend is different from your ex. Height, hair color, eye color, her choice of clothes, etc.
Now think of all the ways your girlfriend is different from anyone you've ever met. Her sense of humor, her smile, the sound of her voice, the look in her eye when she tells you she loves you and you know she means it, etc.
Things will get better with time. I hope this helps and wish you all the best!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): Hi and many thanks for your response, In honesty I thought I had given myself long enough after two years, I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that when my ex cheated I didnt feal any real grief other than that of let down.
What has happened I still cant believe to be honest, I have never truely loved someone until now and I started to think how devastating it would be if it happened under my current circumstances where I stand to actually feel that kind of loss. She really is wonderful and is my best friend, we havent argued but have talked about it and I also suggested that I speak to someone as I really want to excorcise my demons and get back to normal which is laid back and carefree.
Just spoke to her on the phone and what has been a bad day in work has just been flipped 180 degrees and I feel great, thats the effect she has on me and I would move heaven and earth to shake these insane thoughts and just be happy with whats happening right now.
Again many thanks for your reply, going to make a concerted effort to not tarnish what I have and put the past to bed :)
Mac x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): Hi I can really relate to what you say. I was hurt before by someone being dishonest - I was seeing a guy for a whole year and it turned out.... he was not only married but his wife was in fact pregnant and he decided to tell me three weeks before she gave birth. It took a long long time before I could believe a single word anyone said - and it made me very ill. Even now.... 7 years later I still have spiralling thoughts like you describe where it is almost like a poison running through your veins. It is good that you have been honest about this with your girlfriend. I have a loving boyfiend but I know that I spend a lot of time actually looking for any possible deceit or untruth. The way I deal with it is as soon as I start to 'spiral' with my thoughts I say to myself "Energy better spent on doing something positive". If you can find a phrase that you can tell yourself - to shift the way you think - it really helps to bring yourself out of it. It gets easier over time - hang on in there and don't ruin a good thing.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 Ok well am sure that your insecurities have set in because of what your ex wife has done to you. Cheating is such a horrible thing and leaves so many people damaged. But that is in your past now and that is where it has to be left. Your girlfriend sounds wonderful and am glad that you found happiness again.
You need to accept that your new girlfriend is not your ex wife. She treated you badly by being unfaithful but you cannot take this out on your new girlfriend as it is not her fault. You need to let go of your past and forget about it. Start things fresh now with your girlfriend and learn to trust her. As without trust the relationship will not grow. It sounds to me like maybe you never gave yourself enough time after your wife left to recover and come to terms with what she done to you. You need time after someone cheats so that you can come to terms with it, deal with it and then let it go and look for someone new knowing that you have dealt with your past. This needs to be dealt with now because if it is not your jelousy may turn in to controlling behaviour without you even realising it. Your insticts are telling you that she is not cheating on you, and these are the insticts that you should be following. If you cannot deal with these issues on your own then maybe going to talk to a councellor may benefit you.
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