A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hey everyone :)Iv been with my boyfriend for 8months. Before i met him, he lived in america at uni for 5 years. he was with his ex for 4 years and they were engaged.he met me and split up with his ex for me, but i felt terrible about it!but hes said that it was pointless them being together anymore anyway as they live in different countries now. I just feel so so jealous of her!THEY WERE ENGAGED!and she was a fitness instructor and had the most amazing body and when i asked him about her he doesnt have a bad word to say!it seems that they had the perfect relationship,so im always so scared to argue with him or anything because the ONLy reason they finished was because he had to leave the country because of his visa.I love him so so much but always feel like 2nd to her, and although he says hey dont speak i find that so hard to believe!!!i feel like she is so so much better than me, and am so scared of falling in love with him even more, in case he decides to go back and marry her!i tell him how i feel and he says he loves me, but i dont know how to get over it :(she lived right by the beach wih him, they had the most perfect life, SHE seemed so perfect and i just cant compete with her. i feel like im just a temporary replacement to fill the huge hole in his life!please help xxx
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different countries, engaged, fiance, his ex, jealous, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): ~DEJA VU~
I know how you feel. It sucks...BUT...everything that's being advised here seems logical and rational. This all points to "He cares about you for you and you are not at all a rebound.
Thanks for asking this question.
You're a lucky girl! Love your Babe, because He loves you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): You're just being extremely insecure about the relationship and I can understand why. It's normal for you to have these feelings about his ex, most women do and even compare themselves to that person. But it is extremely unhealthy for the relationship.
You have to tell yourself the positive things, not just the negative things. If he loved her so much, he WOULD of made it work with her not just say 'oh, well there was no point because we live in different countries now'. He could have married her, but he never, he COULD have some how stayed in the country with her as people have said, but he never. If he 'loved her' so much he would still keep contact with her, but like you say he hasn't. The relationship they both had together obviously wasn't as good as you made out, as he wouldn't be with you.
He's with you now and loves YOU. Also, he left HER for YOU! As you've said. Forget about her, it looks like he has. Have more confidence about the relationship. If you're really not happy, talk to him about it? It could make you feel a lot better.
But stop torchering yourself by highly over analysing every last detail about him and his ex. Just live your life and be happy with him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): Hmmm, lots of posts explaining how you won and she lost, or how he loves you not her, or similar. I suspect they don't make you feel any better, because the issue is not with how she feels or your bf feels but how you feel. You are feeling insecure about the relationship, unsure of whether he truly loves you like he needs to in order for him to be over his ex, whom he was engaged with and doesn't have anything bad to say about.
There are two sides to this. One possibility is that you are picking up from him that something is missing, that he doesn't love you fully, or that he hasn't really let her go. He might have some things getting in the way of your relationship which is generating your feelings of insecurity. The other possibility is that he has let go fully, that something was always missing in his old relationship that he has now found with you, that he truly loves you and that is why he broke it off, and that you are feeling insecure based on other factors, things that come from outside of your current relationships such as a tendency to feel inscure based on childhood expereinces and relationships, or from past relationship experiences. Your comparing of yourself to her might be your natural tendancy and have nothing to do with him.
In either case, there is an issue of trust affecting your relationship, and the way forward in the relationship is to communicate with your partner. Talk to him about this stuff, and trust your feelings. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't, but knowing whether its you or him takes time to uncover. Overcoming your own insecurity might require some expansion of your own self awareness and insight into your own emotional issues. Some form of personal development such as counselling, meditation, or similar could be helpful for you to know yourself and trust yourself in this way.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Nime  +, writes (7 December 2010):
 CaringGuy, sorry, my mistake! I thought I read somewhere that the OP's boyfriend's ex-fiancee lived in the US, but she actually doesn't say. Sorry for correcting you! :)
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 December 2010):
Thank you Nime for pointing that out. Appreciated. Pity my country doesn't do that!
Even so OP, it wasn't like your boyfriend did all that paperwork for his fiance, which he would have if he cared that much.
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (6 December 2010):
CaringGuy, actually in the US you do not get automatic citizenship for marrying a US citizen. The process is a ton of paperwork and takes about 3 years.
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A
female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (6 December 2010):
 HE LOVES YOU! He chose you. Forget about her, he has. Just because he doesnt speak badly about her, doesnt mean he has feeling for her. You are his girl. Dont worry about losing him. Or you will. Accept that he wants you. Only you. Dont compare. You think it was perfect. But maybe it wasnt! Or hed still be with her.
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A
female
reader, Kit-Kat +, writes (6 December 2010):
Their life together cant have been perfect and their relationship cant have been perfect and the reason is very obvious: he broke off his 'perfect life' for you. His life is only perfect if you're in it!
My sister did this all the time. SHe has a boyfriend of nearly a year and a half, and she was always comparing herself to his ex (she was 'perfect' she was funny, smart, tanned, toned and blonde) but he said that although she was very attractive, she wasn't right for him. That's why he chose my sister, they were made for each other, even though she wasnt as pretty or as fit. She has started to relax and is just happy with who she is.
Dont over-analyse everything! If he wanted to be with her, he would have fought damn harder! But he didnt, he let her go, out of a committment, for you, thats something you dont see everyday! Just relax, accept that she has appealing qualities and get on with your relationship!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (6 December 2010):
 I agree with Caring Guy, if he loved her so much, why did he walk away? My guy is Japanese and his work visa ran out, so he applied for a green card. Why? Because he loved me and didn't want to return to Japan. Yes, we could have married, but he wanted to do the "honorable thing" and not marry me just to get to stay, so he applied for a green card. ( actually getting married doesn't necessarily guarantee a stay). Honey, stop worrying! You are your own worst enemy. Let it go and stop worrying about his ex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): You need to believe he is with you and likes you or confront him properly and find out. You can't carry on like this that's for sure or you will en up as a nervous wreck around him
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 December 2010):
He didn't love her. And I can prove it.
1 - He would have tried to extend his visa
2 - He could have married her on the spot, in which case he would have had automatic citizenship.
3 - He actually broke it off for you.
The only person making a deal of this is you. There is no deal here. Nothing. If he loved her that much, why didn't he marry her on the spot to get citizenship? If he loved her, why not fight for a new visa? If he loved her, why did he break it off with her for you.
More to the point, if she was that perfect, why didn't he fight?
Quit sitting there comparing! You won, hands down. He could have married her on the spot and had his citizenship. He chose not to. He chose to break it off. There was no perfect relationship. She wasn't perfect. And he sure as hell didn't love her.
You need to either stop putting yourself and accept that you are the girl for him, or you need to break it off. Carry on the way you're going, and you'll wind up driving him away.
Every sign here shows that you are number 1, and that she was second best. So, are you going to change your attitude here and see the facts? Or would you just be better walking away now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): You need to realise that he chose YOU
Your obviously going to have feelings of jelousy towards his ex, what girl doesnt? But they split up for a reason it wasnt meant to be and maybe you and he are meant to be
Just because she was a fitness intrusctor and has an amazing body that doesnt mean anything beauty is only skin deep and you need to realise that soon
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): He is with you now, and if you love him that much, don't obsess over his ex. That can really damage a relationship. Avoid thinking about her, or talking to him about her. Just enjoy what you have with him, and allow things between the two of you to develop naturally. If he still has feelings for her, constantly mentioning this girl won't help him get over it. Stop comparing yourself to her. Be yourself. You are not competing with anyone. Just allow yourself to enjoy what you have with him and forget about his ex. I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (6 December 2010):
 You say he left her for you?
He left HER for YOU.
Of course you can't compete with his ex fiance. YOU WON.
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