A
male
age
36-40,
*harlie p
writes:my gf and i have been together for a year now, and all the while i have been trying to deal with the demons of her past, namely the 11 other men she has slept with. she was at an all female boarding school till the age of 18, and between then and the 15 months after when we started dating she slept with 9 other men. one was a one night stand a week before we started, so i was her second in a fortnight, but her fourth in 2 months! five were one night stands, the rest were flings which lasted 2 days to a week, and one was a 6 month relationship. she is only my second sexual partner, although i have turned down 5 one night stands, even one from her as we met a year before we started going out, and have had a fair bit of success with women because im confident, fairly good looking and have no problem starting conversations with perfect strangers, yet i cant be comfortable with her array of lovers. ive tried and tried, weve spoken about it many times and my fear is it may very well turn into resentment soon, as the danger signs are already present, such as me feeling anger towards her and thinking shes a slut. were very much in love, and i would desperatly love to share my future with her and she feels the same, but after a year my discomfort has only increased and i dont want to either live my life with it, or let it linger for a time then eventually destroy us. so theres my problem; throw in the towel which ive never done with anything in my life, or try to push forward. im willing to put up with more misery if i choose to continue, but only if there will be an end to it, so if anyone has any advice on how best to deal with her past so i can continue with her, please help me because you'll know my problem as you may have shared it.
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male
reader, charlie p +, writes (3 October 2009):
charlie p is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys
i thought id wait for a while before i updated, and a year will have been easily enough time.
so, it looks like were gonna finish it seeing as im not comfortable so im just not enjoying it anymore.
there are some of you who seem to believe that her past shouldnt be a problem, and there are strong arguments to support this. however, there are strong arguments the other way too.
at the end of the day, arguments either way dont matter, if youre not comfortable your not comfortable, right or wrong. and maybe many girls can sleep around and still find a partner they love and end up with permanently.
but then not always. thanks for the responses guys, sorry for the delay.
Charlie
A
male
reader, charlie p +, writes (3 October 2009):
charlie p is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys
i thought id wait for a while before i updated, and a year will have been easily enough time.
so, it looks like were gonna finish it seeing as im not comfortable so im just not enjoying it anymore.
there are some of you who seem to believe that her past shouldnt be a problem, and there are strong arguments to support this. however, there are strong arguments the other way too.
at the end of the day, arguments either way dont matter, if youre not comfortable your not comfortable, right or wrong. and maybe many girls can sleep around and still find a partner they love and end up with permanently.
but then not always. thanks for the responses guys, sorry for the delay.
Charlie
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A
male
reader, fellini1973  +, writes (20 September 2009):
This is to all the ladies out there that feel that they can sleep around whenever they like....Sure, be a slut & sleep around. Take every guy home you see & "do him". But dont think for 1 second that your bad choices wont come with bad consequnces. There is nothing better than a respectable woman who knows how to control herself & knowS that one day she will meet a man that truly loves her & wants to marry her because she saved herslef & wasnt a hoe who gave it out to every tom, dick & harry out there. There wont be questions asked & there wont be any judging. Ladies, I personally dont care what your views may be but at the end.....You will have to answer for your past!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): You have one value system, she has another. It's that simple. Here's the core problem: You've spent years making sacrifices. Sacrifices that she will benefit from if she shares any of your values on the issue. But she has not made those same sacrifices herself for YOUR benefit, and now you're feeling like you're not respecting yourself enough. This is clearly important to you. Mainstream culture doesn't think it should be, but it's your life. So break up with her, second guess yourself for years to come, and be frustrated at yourself for making the choices you have already. Watch how your and her friends react. You'll find out very quickly who feels that her benefit outweighs your own right to self-respect. They're the ones criticizing you for breaking it off over this.And then move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): "Depends what you term as a slut. Maybe she has a colourful past. So what. That means nothing. Well, it probably does actually, but all in your favour!"
Yes, there are advantages to having had several partners, but not everything is an advantage. What advantage is there to a future partner of a man or woman having had 6 or 8 one night stands? Essentially zero. What did someone learn from a one night stand with someone who they had just met? Essentially nothing. Sure they learned something from having 6 or 8 ralationships, but most repeated one night stands and short flings are caused by a problem such as insecurity because of a previous hurtful event. If the person has not addressed that insecurity then they are burdening their future partner with it. If they have addressed and fixed the problem then that is great, but there still was no advantage to those one night stands and there are disadvantages to a future relationship and to the person's own self worth many times. We have seen men and women who try to make excuses for bad past behavior and tell themselves that what they did was fine and normal. When they finally have the courage to face what they did is when they really feel good about themselves. Among others, that was true for both my wife and me. It may be easier to make excuses and say it is what made me what I am today, but it is far more satisfying to face the things that we did wrong, feel bad about them and then move on feeling better about what we are now. At least that is the experience of my wife and me and some others.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): I think that what the anon female below missed is that if you sleep with someone as a one nighter and it was "crap", I am pretty sure that given in time that person could be a great lover. Try before you buy really does not work with people, as unlike machines, houses, or shoes - people can change and grow. So, if you tried him last year, this year could be totally different, and way better if instead of fucking him and dumping him, you fucked him and worked with him to what you want sexually.
Just my 2 cents.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): I don't see how you can have a good, respectful relationship with someone you think is a 'slut'. That's so insulting and frankly, if I were her I wouldn't put up with my boyfriend thinking that of me! And I've had about 16 partners in my life (I'm 24), I don't consider that excessive at all, it's all a part of the experience of life. She had no obligation to you NOT to sleep around, she was just doing what many single, young girls do! It's not like she cheated on you. I don't see where you have the right to judge her for this, as long as she never got pregnant or a serious STD, her past doesn't have much to do with you or your future together. She was just experimenting, having some fun and maybe trying to find the right guy (you know what they say, try before you buy!)... and she found you! Trial and error, right? Don't worry about them being better than you, if they were I'm sure she'd have kept them around for longer than one night... there's a reason women have 1 night stands and it's usually cos the man was so crap in bed he wasn't worth calling up for a booty call!
Don't feel bad, and don't judge her. She's not different than most other girls her age, it's just the way it is. She's not a slut.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (10 September 2008):
 Depends what you term as a slut. Maybe she has a colourful past. So what. That means nothing. Well, it probably does actually, but all in your favour! I had only slept with 2 blokes by the time i was 29, 1 of them i married and the other i spent 9 yrs with and had 2 children. After that i really went to town, i had so much to learn! I'm now 37 and have probably slept with 12/13 guys. So what. A fair few were in the space of a yr. Was i a slapper? maybe. I see it as experiencing life, and now wouldn't DREAM of sleeping with just anyone for one night. I hate one nighters, and dont do friends with benefits. But only trying those things has taught me that! So until i meet someone i have good vibes that i'm going to settle down with, i will stay celebate thanks. The next guy i sleep with is going to be the guy i settle down with.
Does that sound so bad? I happen to think now that i have done my living, i am the sort of female that a guy would be happy to get with, because i have been there, done that and bought the t shirt? See what i mean? Or not?
I am certain that my childrens dad wishes i had lived before i settled down with him, because apart from the fact he was 10 yrs older than me, i hadn't really lived, and got to a point where i fell out of love with him because i felt i needed to get out there and live. He would of loved me to have done that before i met him!
C xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): Oops, sorry, I see you had already found that other question that I linked to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): So once your girlfriend got out of the all female boarding school at the age of 18, she had 9 sexual partners in 15 months. She had 5 one night stands and only 1 of the 9 was a relationship. The rest were flings and 1 nighters. So now you are worried that you think that she was slut. Well, I hate to tell you, but I agree. Yes, she was a slut. Learn to live with that feeling because you aren’t likely to feel any different in the future. Now where do you progress from here? Can you live with the thought that she was a slut?
I’m married to a former slut. She is all that a man could reasonably ask for in a faithful, loving, understanding, affectionate and sexual wife. She has told me that she made mistakes after she left her first husband. She has called her behavior in those 3 years as slutty some of the time. She has told me to not feel guilty because I think of her as a former slut. That’s what she was at times, but she has never been that since she met me. Women, and men, do things that they regret. They make mistakes. My wife and I both have made too many mistakes in our lives, but that is the past and the best that we can do is to not make them again. The best that we can do is to change.
I, like you, also gave up chances for dates or 1 night stands. I had a couple of women ask me out and a couple try to pick me up at a bar. They were all good looking. I have only had 5 lifetime sexual partners compared to my wife’s 12. I could have easily had a few more without trying. She also could have easily gone to bed with more men. She was and is attractive enough to get laid just about any night that she wants. She didn’t always do that during her slutty period and she certainly has never done that since she met me. I’m sure that you girlfriend also passed on a lot of potential chances.
I’m not going to repeat here what I have said in many past questions. Here is a recent question that I and others have answered. Read what was said there, as it is relevant to your situation and others like yours.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
Learn to live with her past and your feelings about her past. Look at what she is now. Is she the kind of woman who you would want to spend your life with if it can progress that far? Is she loving, affectionate, caring? Do you enjoy just being with her, not just sexually. My wife and I spend most of our time together. We love doing things together and being together. She shows absolutely no behavior from her past and never has since being with me. We both did things in our pasts that the other doesn’t like. We can accept them because we have never shown that behavior to each other. We still don’t like it, but we can live with it because we both feel that we have something special in each other.
You either have to learn to live with it or leave her as soon as possible. I thought of leaving my wife a couple of times during our first couple of years together when dating. We are both very happy that I decided not to do that.
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A
female
reader, mwalsh +, writes (10 September 2008):
That sounds like so much pain to allow yourself to keep going through. You seem to value your past monagamous life style and yet you are with a woman who has experienced sexual encounters with many men. You say she is only your second but truly, you have now exposed yourself (venerial diseased speaking) to every partner she has ever had and every partner her past partners had.I'm not sure that I would refer to her as a slut because she may have some sexual addiction issues that are responsible for her behavior. Everyone has a past, everyone, and a persons past stays in the past. She does deserve some credit for her honesty with you as she could (should) have hid the truth.If you truly think that this relationship has hope, I would make it a rule that you both seek counseling to help resolve your issues. Your mistrust and her sex addiction issues will have to be overcome before your relationship can be healthy. And don't forget to get some veneral disease and AIDS testing done too.Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): She's not a slut, most girls you meet will have a past and yes you may have less experience than alot of them but YOU need to get over this or you can go out there and look for a girl who's a virgin but I don't see that as a good pick up line.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): after reading her past it's very hard not to feel your way. you are good looking(as you say) and you have turned down many offers shows that you're sensible and would rather settle for something worth yourself. you should ask your gf clearly and if you have the smallest of the feeling of not being comfertable then spill the beans.
it's not the end of life, you will find other people and life goes on.
This is my suggestion :)
goodluck with whatever you do
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A
female
reader, vix100 +, writes (10 September 2008):
 I have to say, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong in what your girlfriend has done. Everyone has a past, and the older you get, the more of a past you have. When you reach your thirties, if you find yourself single, you're lucky if you find someone without ex-wives/husbands, kids, step-kids, many, many previous lovers, shady pasts, etc! She is an adult and as along as she was careful, she's just been doing what many 18 year old girls do - I wouldn't say that's being a slut. It sounds to me like your main issue may be that you now feel inexperienced compared to her and are perhaps worried that she will compare you to her other lovers, maybe? It will eat you up inside and ruin your relationship unless you try and accept that she has a past, but she is with you now, and obviously wants to make it work with YOU. It sounds like it could be a good relationship if you accept her, warts and all. She can't help her past - it was before she was with you. Really hope it works out.
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