A
female
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anonymous
writes:I know im probably going to sound crazy or something when I say how I feel about my ex abusive bf, but its how I feel and what bothers me most is how my feelins conflict each other. On one hand, I have so much anger and hurt and cant believe he would treat me so badly. But on the other, I still love him and see him as this great guy who I would be lucky to even be standing next to! Its been 5 months now since we broke up and i still havent moved on. Part of me is still in denial i think of what happened. how do i stop being in denial? what makes it hard to move on, is that part of me feels like i would die to be with him again, i would love to be his gf still. but the other part of me is so angry with how he used, abused and dumped me. i dont understand how i can feel two totally opposite things. honestly, i wish i could stay angry with him and not have those loving feelings for him because it would make it so much easier to move on if i thought he was a loser, not a guy who i loved. why do i still feel this way despite what he did for me? how do i deal with these conflicting feelings?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (10 September 2008):
 Hi, it sounds like you're really struggling to straighten out your conflicting feelings. I've never been in an abusive relationship, so I don't really have personal experience to draw from in answering this question. But from an outsider's perspective, I think that what you've got going on here is that you are in love with the idea that you had built up about him, not the real him. The problem is that you've conflated these in your head, the idealized him and the real him. The idealized him is the projection of your fantasies of all the good things that he was at the beginning. Handsome, charming, the 'great guy' who made you feel special and loved.
The real him, however, not so nice. You didn't go into detail of how he abused you but I'll take your word for it that he did. The real him is so awful that you can't believe you actually were with him, so you try to convince yourself that he's really a great guy.
There was this strange psychology experiment I heard about, I don't have the citation but it went something like this. Two groups of people were presented with chocolate covered ants (or something like that) as a delicacy. One group got them for free, and the other group had to pay quite a bit of money for the 'privilege' of buying then eating them. Now these chocolate coated ants actually tasted quite terrible. So, after eating these ants, the two groups were asked to rate the taste and experience of eating them. The group that got them for free were very honest in their criticism of the actual experience of eating this rather nasty 'delicacy.' The group that paid for them, now they rated the ants as being very delicious. Why this disconnect? The group that had had to pay for them had to mentally justify paying good money for this awful food by convincing themselves that the ants actually tasted good.
I think you've got something like that going on in your head. You need to mentally justify why you were with an awful guy who treated you like dirt, so you have convinced yourself that he's a good guy. He's really a chocolate-covered ant, he's a jerk and a loser and you will get this.
I think you should honestly evaluate how you truly feel about yourself. If your self-confidence and self-esteem has been badly bruised, battered, and injured by his treatment of you, you need to focus on building yourself back up.
I don't hear the anger for him that I would expect when you've been abused then dumped. I hear a plaintive voice, as in 'help me, please.' What we have to do is get you to unearth that righteous anger, pull it out of wherever you've buried it and dust it off and put it to use. Get pissed off at him, take any pictures and mementoes you have of his and stage a controlled burning ritual where you expunge his presence from your life. Don't hang on to anything that keeps him present in your life. Throw it all out, make it a ritual, then close the door on this ugly chapter of your life.
Go do things that make you feel good, that make you happy, the kinds of things where you lose yourself in the experience. I don't know you, I don't know what that is, but it could be music, sport, art, bungee jumping, sailing, judo, karate, flying, cooking, gardening, writing, reading, dancing, whatever it is that sends you off into that place where you are totally enthralled and you forget all about time and your worries. Get yourself out into the fresh air, get moving, eat some decent food, don't drink to excess. Embrace yourself, take care of yourself, and for heaven's sake, stop beating yourself up about him. He's an ant, and you've paid enough for the privilege of being with him.
I hope this helps.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): It is very natural that you still feel love for him. Love doesn't go away even if there is anger and fear. The desire to continue to be with him is what is painful however. Abuse can be incredibly addictive. We feel like we deserve the abuse because we haven't known how to value ourself enough. I would encourage you to get some counseling, as this could really help you get to the bottom of the issue and help change your life for the better. If that isn't an option, I recommend reading a book or two on how to break the abuse cycle. This is a very serious circumstance and you are in an amazing position to be able to start to change it now that you have effectively removed yourself from the abusive situation. Give yourself plenty of time and space for the healing to happen. You deserve to be free of the cycle and be treated well, but you are also the only person who can change it. Without breaking the cycle you will naturally find yourself attracted to other abusive men, and you deserve better than that.
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A
female
reader, mwalsh +, writes (10 September 2008):
Keep in mind that time heals. Someday you will look back on that relationship and be thankful that he left you and allowed you to move forward to a more beautiful relationship in the future. Please forgive me for quoting but Joel Osteen says that is called the "Gift of Goodbye" and "When somebody who is pulling you down chooses to leave, you may not realize it, but he just did you a great favor. Don't look back; instead keep looking forward."You are not the first person to get your heart broken and you will not be the last. You have yourself also may have broken hearts of others, intended or not and you may break more hearts in the future. It's life, it happens and it was just your turn. It wasn't meant to be because there is something, someone greater out there for you than that man who was dragging you down. For now, concentrate on you and what you have to offer, keep yourself in positive surroundings and write a list of things you have to be thankful for every day. Write a list of the good things about yourself and that will keep you positive and upbeat. Everday do something for you, that makes you feel good, whether its a long walk in the park, a soak in the tub, a self manicure or a facial. Make you the best you can be so that you will be prepared emotionally for the next best thing to enter your life.Many Blessings to You!
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A
female
reader, confuzzled_in_cville +, writes (10 September 2008):
I think you miss the good times with him. Regardless of the love you have for him its unhealthy to hold onto it knowing what you've been through. Take some time and don't pursue anyone, let your heart heal and grieve. even if you guys did get back together what would it be like? You'd have all this love to give and he may not want it. you know you deserve better and this will be one of the hardest moments in your life. the love will fade over time and maybe you can forgive him. having that hate isn't healthy either. if you have friends talk to them, if they are biased and will shoot down some of the stuff you say talk to a neutral party. therapy isn't for crazy people, it's for people dealing with conflicting problems, it wouldnt hurt to talk to a psychologist who can suggest methods of relieving that anger in a healthy way instead of keeping it bottled it. I hope this helps and you find the answer your looking for.
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