A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My name is Christina and I am a 30-year-old woman, my husband is 32, and we've been together for 10 years, married for the last 5 out of those 10 years together.I came home from work one night about a week ago to find him in bed with our GP/doctor. The two of them were kissing and having sex and didn't seem to care when I told them they'd been caught.I told my husband I'd have a long chat with him the next morning - which I tried to do but he just refused to discuss it, saying "We're together!! None of your fucking business!!" and then he drove off.I haven't seen him since, and am worried about where he is.Our 10-year-old son idolises him, and he is a great father to our son, and I did love him, but after this I'm not sure if I still love him.Our GP is the one who we had to see about when our son was diagnosed with having Asperger's syndrome.What should I do next, and where should I go for help??All your advice would be much appreciated.It's left me feeling very blue and dejected and the only time I feel happy is when I'm in work with my colleagues or at my mum's (my mum knows that my husband's left, but I haven't told her why?)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2008):
Good job your husband was not the doc's patient or she would have to wave goodbye to her career! there are certain rules you know! has this doctor breeched them?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): Yes Mr anonymous, marriages can survive infedelity, and I'd be the first one to agree to that. But it's difficult to forgive someone having sex with another man in front of your eyes, in your house and in your bed, then telling you to fuck off and not giving you any explanation at all. In your advice, how is she supposed to tempt him to come back home so she can try to forgive him?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): You know, as I read through the various responses here I find that the females overwhelmingly trash the guy and tell you to run with everything you can take with you. Well, I'm going to be a different voice.
What he has done is by no means acceptable unless you believe it is. However, before flying off on emotion, their are things to consider. The one GREAT piece of advise that I never saw here is for you to ask yourself a simple question. Is this relationship worth preserving? Only you can answer that question, and if that answer is no, than all the other responses will make since to you. However, if the answer is yes, then there is more for you to do.
Infidelity in a marriage does not need to be the end of the marriage. There is a reason why he cheated. If you think it's worth preserving, you need to really seek to understand why it happened. That is the only way you can determine if it's preventable in the future. If you get the understanding of why and don't think it's preventable in the future, than trying to save it now would only be prolonging the inevitable.
Seek counseling. For him as an individual, for you, and as a couple. You will need counseling to learn to let go and trust again when and if things begin to mend. It's easy to say I forgive, but much harder to forget. Not being able to forget will be the demise of the relationship if you constantly use it as a weapon.
I don't want to go on, and on, and on, but I do want you to see that you have a choice. There are women that felt the relationship was worth preserving and has done it successfully. Hillary Clinton is the most notable public case I can cite. Finding out the your husband is having a sexual relation with an intern in the White House is crushing enough, but to have the whole thing play out in the public is compoundingly worse. Yet, she obviously felt that their relationship was worth preserving because she stayed. I couldn't begin to tell you at what stage the restoration process is in, but they are still together.
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A
female
reader, Artistry  +, writes (22 August 2008):
 Hi there, I am in agreement with all the other Aunts. Lawyer fast, transfer any money to a single account for yourself, and change the locks on your home as quick as possible. Please do not feel sorry for yourself and do not take this arsehole back, he is a pig. Also as soon as possible, as you have no idea how long this has been going on, get yourself to the doctor and have yourself tested for everything, sorry to mention this, but it does take twelve years for aids to show up, and if you had unprotected sex with your husband, he may have exposed you to gosh knows what, sex between two men, when the other man could have been with multiple partners, it's very scary. Think about it, and use good judgment about your health. Good luck with all of it, and please do as the other ladies have said, talk about it, you need shoulders, this is a double whammy, cheating is one thing, but with another man. Great guns. Take care. Stay in touch.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): Hi Pursuit of Happiness, normally I'm against revenge as well. If the circumstances had been different there would be no reason for this lady to try to get the Other Person sacked from their job. I would not have suggested she make the affair and her husband and his "lover's" actions public, but this is different. Such a totally lack of respect means that she has the right to act in a way that bring their actions to light. After she has made sure that her and her child are financially protected, and has "punished" them by destroying their reputations, then she can move on with her life, and work on healing the pain that they have caused. After all we all know that the best revenge is a life lived well... Her circumstances are very different from most.
PS: Communication breakdown, what can you do when your husband says "We're together!! None of your fucking business!!" and then he drives off.
Sorry, I'm more angry with him than anything else. But I think she needs to move fast because he may try to hurt her financially as well, she has a son to think about now, and she's on her own, that is all that matters.
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A
male
reader, pursuit of happiness +, writes (22 August 2008):
There's obviously something wrong with your relationship, sounds like a communciation breakdown, someone or both are not listening.
BTW I am against revenge in all circumstances, however it is against GP professional code of conduct to have a relationship with a patient, you could report the doctor to the GMC for professional misconduct, they could lose their job. If the doctor wanted to have a relationship they should have ceased being your doctor first, even then it is questionable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): If he is your husband doctor as well, you can report him to the BMA (doctors association) and he will definately loose his licence to practice. Relations between doctors and their patients are definately wrong, he will never be able to work again.
Sorry honey, but your husband is long gone. Start divorce proceedings against him, for adultery naming the doctor as well, sue for child support and maintainance, and get on with your life.. I'm vegenfull on your behalf, I want you to draw blood.... How dare they, not even an affair, but in your marriage bed. After all these years, not even an explanation. I want them both hurt and ashamed, because that's what they've done to you. Don't keep this a secret, why should you. Report it to the practice and the British Medical Association (BMA) and get a divorce lawyer as quick as you can. (contact the Citizens Advice Bureau if you have no money)
Please babes, keep as updated on your situation, we are very interested to find out how this works out for you. Tell your mum, tell your family, tell your friends, tell the bloody whole world. He is in the wrong, not you, you need all the support that you can to get through this thing... I'm so sorry, I'm so angry, please keep us updated, and try to stay strong for you and your son.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): leave him, let him go, and get a good divorce lawyer and sue him, sue him dry, make him regret and make him suffer much more that you suffer. not only you are going to sue him, you should also consider and option to sue the good old doctor
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): Oh, my dear, my heart is now bleeding even more for you and your son. How horrific; and how traumatic;
I suggest that you are still in shock yourself and that reality will still "hit Home";
I don't have any words to comfort you; but please do as suggested in previous postings.
A lawyer a.s.ap (and yes a Shark)
and do ask the lawyer to report this doctor to the Medical Council
and a counselor ( you will need it for yourself and also to help you and guide you with your son)
PLease Do not keep quiet about this; You need to TALK.
You are going to deal with a roller coaster of emotions in the days ahead and will need the support of those close to you.
Yeah, it will be difficult at times but you will need to stay strong for your son.
Don't let these "bastards" get the better of you;
Take good care of your health; try and get enough rest and although you might not always feel like it, you must eat properly.
We are here for you anytime; If you need to talk or need advise.
Please keep us posted.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I wish there was more I could do for you at this stage.
Lots of hugs and try to keep your head high and SMILE.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 August 2008):
 I forgot to mention that you need to take your child's Asperger syndrome into account. I guess any decision you make needs to be weighed against the possible effects it might have on your child.
You will need a lot of emotional support for you and your child. All the more reason to tell your family and perhaps close and discreet friends about why your husband left.
My heart is with you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (21 August 2008):
I find it only too normal that you feel devastated by this. I think this doesn't feel like just cheating: the very least you can say is that your husband is bisexual, but, frankly, most likely he is gay, which brings the question of whether your marriage was only for cover. Like all the others, I do find this situation awful and I truly understand your feeling the way you do.
If I were you, I would divorce the man. First of all, he seems not to care about you or what you felt when you found him in bed. Second, he's gone; his answer is to leave the home. I take it this is what he prefers. But, above all, I don't think there's a good climate for any relationship between you two anymore. In my opinion, no matter how hard you tried, you would be doing all the effort and he just wouldn't change his ways.
Find an attorney if you should. A good one, a shark, like Tisha-1 recommend. Only make sure you don't make it harder on your son in the process. No court of law will accept your husband's homosexuality as a reason to prevent your husband from having close contact with your son. If the environment becomes too heavy, your husband will strike back, and the one harmless person in this equation is your son.
For the time being, I wouldn't tell your son why you're divorcing. His father is gay and his homosexuality will show, over time. For the time being, particularly if your son is not homosexual, finding out about his father's preferences would shock him. Your son will have to deal with the divorce and his father's absence; try not to make it harder on him with yet another load to bear. I hope this comment does not upset homosexuals, but I'm telling it like it is: I have known some cases of children, male or female, who felt devastated when they found their parents were gay or lesbian. I'm not attacking gays or lesbians, but simply pointing out that an alternative sexuality can be a problem for children.
I'm not defending or minimizing what your husband did. I just would like you to be careful not to hurt your son.
I don't know why you wouldn't tell your mother why your husband left. Your son will be in contact with her for a long time; if she knows what you are dealing with, she can help you better.
All the best for you and your son.
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A
female
reader, ChristinaWirralSB +, writes (21 August 2008):
Thanks for your advice.
To those replying... our GP isn't a woman, but a guy.
It was a man in bed with my husband, not a woman, but yes, I suppose your advice still applies.
Just clearing it up for you.
Christina
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): Dear Poster
I have empathy with you. This must have been a great shock and is very traumatic;PLEASE TALK to people; don't keep quiet and bottle up; NO NEED TO PROTECT those two adulters;
As already suggested; get a lawyer fast and yes, I agree with Tihsa get a "shark";
Ask the lawyer also to assist you to report the doctor to the Medical Council; what she did is totally unprofessional and against the Medical Code of Conduct;
It will not bring back your husband or take away your pain but at least she will be exposed for who and what she is (and who knows maybe this has happened to other patients before).
Please get counseling and get advice as two how to inform your son; this will be very traumatic for him; but I am sure with the correct guidance and support the two of you will be fine.
There is a long road ahead of you, but be strong and PLEASE don't keep quiet; you will need the support of those close to you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you;
Best wishes, keep your head high and try to SMILE.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 August 2008):
 What an awful man! I hate him just hearing this story.
Right. You need to start planning for the worst. Get to a solicitor right away, you need advice on managing your money, the house, the assets that you own together. Do not stop, do not pass go, do not collect $200, straight to the solicitor today. It would be best if you could find a real shark. Do you have any friends who have gone through divorces that had great attorneys?
I don't think there's any reason to keep it a secret from your family and friends. He's driven off, and told you that he and the GP (witch!) are together. It doesn't sound like he's going to be open to the idea of talking or discussing your relationship.
Good grief, did you not have any idea that this was happening? No clues, your relationship with him was normal? Never mind, that's no longer important.
What IS important is that you decide what you want out of this split and how to go about getting it. Take that anger you have and harness it into research and phone calls and making lists and planning. You've come here, so you're reaching out already.
You might as well let people know what he's done; I don't see any reason to hide it, other than that slim possibility that he might want to reconcile. I know this might sound vindictive, but he lost his right to his privacy in this matter the moment he dealt with you in the manner he did.
If he wanted to see this GP and be with her, then he should have had the simple courtesy of ending it with you. And he did not do that. He may not have chosen to fall in love or lust with her, but he did choose his actions. And those actions were appalling. I personally would be lining up all my close friends for support in getting me through this, and helping me with this research. They might know someone who knows a killer attorney, sorry, solicitor.
The tricky bit is explaining what's happened to your son. I expect you've come up with some excuse for now, but you might consider speaking with a child psychologist to get some guidance there. I don't have any idea what would be best for the boy, so I can't advise you. Maybe another aunt on this site can.
Stay strong, get the emotional support you need and don't be afraid to ask people for help. What you've gone through is one of life's most traumatic experiences and you're not out of the woods yet, not by a long shot. Sorry you have to go through this, through no fault of your own.
Let us know how you get on, and come back for more help if needed.
With my best wishes.
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A
male
reader, LonelyButNotAlone +, writes (21 August 2008):
 hlskitten is right. Report the GP to the General Medical Council. They have strict policies against sexual relations between doctors and patients.
http://www.gmc-uk.org/concerns/index.asp
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (21 August 2008):
 Why haven't you told your mum why???? You go to your practice and speak to the practice manager and report your gp! Major breach of the code of ethics going on here! You owe them nothing in keeping this secret.
Then you make sure your husband stays away from you, but you sort access with your son. Thats all thats important now. They are both messed in the head.
C xxxxx
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