A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I had an affair with 40+ married woman. I'm 20+ and single. After getting great advices from this forum, I realized it's not right. Then, I broke up with her. I stayed silent and keep away form her with no sms, no call. I even didn't reply her Valentine sms yesterday.Is that right decision not to reply her sms on Valentine's Day? Now, I miss her so much and feel bad about ignoring her. What should I do now? Please advise me. Appreciate your kind help.
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affair, broke up, married woman Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your great advices!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Denis.
Dear Cupid members,
Really appreciate n welcome any comments on my situation.
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (16 February 2011):
 Why didn't she seek a divorce sooner knowing her husband is gay? Good question. I'd be rather suspicious of that particular tale.
You do well to stay away from her.......
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Calitex56
Thanks for your advice!
Your msg made me remember what she said to me before we broke up. She told me that her marriage was already broken before our affair bcos she got to know her husband is a gay. So, she will get divorce with her husband and stay with me. Seem like she can totally restrain her husband now. fyi, they have no kids.
But why she still stuck on it? Why she couldn’t get divorce earlier when she knew he is gay?
I'm really curious about her..
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ CindyCares, Denise32 and Annalisa
Yes, I did break up with her clearly and irrevocably. She also accepted that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Dear Cupid MembersThank you all for your helpful advice. Without you guys, I would probably be with that married woman now. Really appreciate your help!
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (15 February 2011):
Re Anonymous Poster: True, not all marriages are happy and almost always there are numerous issues or conflicts that have to be worked through if the marriage is valued enough by both to want to stay together and be better.
The OP is single, yes, but not exactly "free to do what he wants" - not when it involves having an affair with a woman who is married to another man. Please note I'm not placing the blame necessarily on her and if her husband is in some way not treating her right, then I can see she could be very tempted to take up with a much younger, more appealing guy. That doesn't make the actions of either of them morally right, however. It's not called "cheating" or "betrayal" for nothing.
Incidentally, IF the husband is being badly toward his wife (whether by carrying on with another woman, or physically/emotionally abusing her or whatever) then he has to shoulder an equal part of the responsibility for HIS behavior.
If she chooses to try to work with her husband to improve her marriage, or eventually decides its hopeless and pursues divorce is up to her.
I agree with you that it's not necessarily black and white. Especially not if they have children.......
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (15 February 2011):
If you didn't tell her you were ending it, you should send an email and say that because she's married you don't intend to continue. Wish her well but make it clear that she is not to contact you again. If she does contact you, don't respond.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): As long as you were straight with her and finished it honestly, then you are right to not reply. If you left it vague then I can see why she might be confused. So if you think there is a question as to her really knowing it is over it is only fair to tell her straight. If you did end it properly, then maybe you should just not reply and let her get over it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): “After getting great advices from this forum, I realized it's not right“??? Good lord! ”Not right”? ok if you want to believe that.
Come on, how is breaking it off with this women the right thing to do??? You are single and are free to do what you want, if you have a relationship with this woman then how on earth are you doing anything wrong??? According to the rules, regulations and moral standards of many people on this forum, your lover is automatically committing a "crime" in having a relationship with you. So many people will criticize your lover simply because she is married. It’s so simple and easy to criticize people in that way: “Married? Ok then there is no excuse for seeing some else and if you do, you are wrong and evil”
Is life really so black and white?
Just about nobody explores the context of the situation when it comes to extra marital affairs.
Maybe your lover has a psychologically (or possibly even physically) abusive husband?
Maybe her husband shows little or no interest in her?
Maybe her husband is far too occupied with his job and makes no time for her?
Maybe her husband has lost his love for her and has become stagnant in their relationship?
And maybe her husband is cheating on her?
Who knows what her situation is, there could be hundreds of reasons why she is seeking your companionship.
Maybe you are just the person she needs to get on in life and get a positive outlook on things?
Maybe you make her happy and feel better about herself?
Maybe you are giving her a form of freedom and breathing space which she has never had before?
I’m sure she has many valid reasons why she has (had) you in her life.
Of course it could be that she is happily married to a kind, warmhearted and loving man, in this case you could say that her affair with you would be “wrong”. But in my experience extra marital affairs rarely occur in such situations. Most of the time they are a result of negative experiences in an often grey relationship.
Maybe you are underestimating your importance to her. It could very well be that you are having a very positive effect on her life.
I think you ignoring her attempts to contact you is immature. If you had a relationship with her then I guess you cared for her too right? And now you are ignoring this person… can't say I'm impressed.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 February 2011):
 This may be a dumb question , but , did you tell her you were breaking up ? Clearly, irrevocably and inequivocably ?
If you did, yes , then you did right not answering her Valentine message, she should know better than chasing after you,and should not expect any further communications.
If you did not... if you just stopped contacting her hoping that sooner or later she'll "get it " and will stop calling you... no, that's absolutely cruel. Whatever she is or she has done wrong, she does not deserve to be left hanging like that.
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female
reader, Sabrena  +, writes (15 February 2011):
meet someone new as i am sure u knw the only way to get over someone is to get under another...
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female
reader, sammi star +, writes (15 February 2011):
 You did the right thing. It's natural you feel bad about ignoring her on valentines day but she is a married woman and it's her who should feel bad for constantly getting in touch with you even though you've done the right thing.
It's never easy to walk away when you still have feelings for someone but you've got through the hardest part, now you just have to stay focused and keep reminding yourself that the relationship you had with her was wrong, but you've taken positive steps forward.
If the texting doesn't stop think about changing your number. Don't be tempted to reply even if it's just to say you don't want contact as you'll only be contradicting yourself and she will be encouraged.
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A
female
reader, Calitex56 +, writes (15 February 2011):
I can honestly say sleeping with a married woman probably isnt/ wasn't the best decision. You have to stop and think of all that she and her husband have been through in all their years of marriage, and how their relationship could be torn apart because of this affair. The last place you want to be is caught up on the other end of a divorce, especially if you live in a somewhat small town, because people talk and spread gossip like wildfire. I would cut her off, maybe tell her that you think she should work on her marriage, but that's about it. Dont reply to her Valentine's text. If her husband suspects anything, assuming he pays the phone bill, he can request a copy of who she has been conversing with and texting. I'm sure it's tough for you right now, but if youve broken up with her already, leave it that way. She really should know better being married, and I think you shouldnt feel badly for ignoring her, you should feel badly for infringing on someone elses family. Stay clear of that mine field, though! Youve got to remember that you can never have her to yourself unless she were to leave her husband. But what then? Divorce can take years and endless amounts of stress, and chances are she'd end things with you before it even hit the court room. You ought to write out a plan for what you need to do and stick to it. Good luck!!
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male
reader, the_phoenic +, writes (15 February 2011):
your behaviour is 100% right you should continue what you are doing regardless of the pain
to get over her there is nothing like keeping your self buisy with fun loving group of friends untill you find new love and by then you well be completely cured from this mysery
any ways you can get to tell her throught out common friends or in any indirect way that you wish her a happy valentine and that you are baking off because it is good for both of you
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): You know what you were doing was wrong, so therefore it is probably best to carry on doing what you are doing. If you do see her only do it on terms of strict friendship. In terms of Valentines Day texts, you don't want to lead her on to believing she may have a chance again, so that was probably the right think to do. Good luck with it all!
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