| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: I am 22years old and have been in a relationship now for over 6years but have been unhappy for years. Ive tried dropping hints, didnt work. I told him, he promised that he would change and make me happy, which worked for a week, then he went back to his normal self. We have argued many times and I have walked out but came back. The only way I can find to escape from everything is through drinking alcohol quite often. I started imagining in bed if I could do this with someone else (sex). One drunken night, my fiance's best mate and I had sex. I cheated again over and over again with different guys and the more I did it the more determined I was to leave, but I am still with him. At the weekend his best mate and I had sex again twice. I don't want forgiveness, I want him to see how much I don't want or love him anymore. The only time I seem to have genuine fun is when I'm with my best friend or my mum who live in another country and only see on special occasions. My best friend came to visit once and it started alot more arguements between me and my fiance, he couldnt stand it that I had someone else to spent my time with other than him. Therefore I don't have any friends here as it seem to save arguements. I've been with him for so long and this is what I reflect on when deciding to leave him. He seems to think evrything is fine and dandy and loves the way we spend our life, even though I have expressed my unhappyness. What should I do?
View related questions:
best friend, drunk, fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, darren1111  +, writes (2 October 2008):
 just go, dont think about it just do it
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): You wrote this a long time ago. I hope you are alright and figured out what you needed to do. If not, here is a couple of thoughts.
If you are still in the same spot you were then, you need to seek outside help - not a new sex partner. Tell your mother and your best friend what you are going through and ask for their honest advice. Leave out what you need to but let them have enough information so they understand you are in the process of hurting yourself. Then - the is the important part - listen to what they tell you. Even if they are angry or hurt and end up yelling at you.
If you cannot do that then think what you might tell a dear friend who confessed to you that they were doing exactly what you are doing. Think of someone specific and imagine they were going through this with their own partner, someone you also know.
God bless you - I genuinely hope your life is better than this now.
...............................
A
female
reader, done it +, writes (26 June 2008):
just leave him then. unless of course the reason you are staying is you are afraid of being alone? Maybe. Been there and done it, living alone is no different to living with somebody without the somebody there. You know how to pay a bill, you know how to shop for food you have lived alone, it just seems to me like you need to sit down quietly alone and reflect on what you really want and what is really holding you back.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): You are very unhappy in yourself and finding fault with your bf because of it. He is not perfect but he is not abusing you so I think the problem is you.
I could be wrong but in order to find out if he is the problem but you should first work on making yourself happy, and giving yourself the things you like, working toward your educational and career goals and socialising with friends, having hobbies etc. If once you have been doing these things- give it 3 months- you are still disatisfied with your partner then move on.
But if the problem is you, you will always feel this was no matter who you are with. Perhaps you even need therapy.
But launching yourself at another relationship is like switching seats on the Titanic. You will still be sinking, just with another man.
You need the help and support of friends and family. The sleeping around is not the sign of an emotionally healthy and mature 22 year old. It would have been better to tell him you are not happy and if things don't change then leave. But you are still with this man and engaging in self hating behaviour so I am guessing you also have co-dependancy and self esteem issues.
Takea a good, long, hard look at yourself before you decide. What was your home life like when you were growing up? Was it happy? Do you know someone who behaved like you are now.You might unknowingly be acting out of issues from your past. Is there anything else happening right now that is contributing to your low mood?
And remember no man can make us happy. men are bonuses to our already full and happy life.
I wish you the best.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): you are a weak insecure person and are ruining lives. You will end up alone after you run through all the girlfriend fuckers you were with. Once you leave him they won't want you. Tell him you cheated on him-a lot. Then he will see you for the whore that you are and leave and hopefully one day be happy with someone who actually cares about him. Oh yeh and jump off a bridge you dike bitch!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008): I was in the same situation. Leave him. It seems so hard to don now, but you will realise once you have taken that step. The worst thing would be to reach old age and think - why am i still here? and not have the time to change it.
Dawn
xx
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007): ...we determine happiness. And only within our self’s comes thru meaning of life we are into. If u have cheated one time it will always be next, no matter with who u are.
First find peace within you, find out what u really want, only then u can live together with someone.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): do what u think is right. break up with him and make amends
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007): what makes you smile?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2007): You must leave him and start a new life. Drinking won't stop the problem it will only make things worse. Try to find a hobby. Take a course at college or university. Don't try to keep your relationship going as cheating is an option but a negative one. Think to yourself why are you cheating in the first place? This is a sign maybe that you want him to change.
...............................
A
female
reader, Pork Hock  +, writes (15 April 2007):
Hey, you aren't alone. We've all done the drunken one night stands with people who are supposedly friends of your partner! You are in a rut and you need to get out. These guys are low-grade that they can do this to you and to their so called good friend. Ask yourself why you are with him, he clearly doesn't challenge you, make you happy, lift your heart...get out of this misery. Drink is your excuse, your demon for dealing with the pain. You are bored and fed up and feel under-valued. You know you aren't happy, you know you feel stuck...it's as easy as packing a bag, crashing on a friends couch for a couple of nights. Achieving stuff on your own is way more rewarding than waiting for someone to tell you, you did a good job, or that was a nice dinner etc, or you look pretty or that was good sex etc.
You know you are worth more...if you continue to crawl in the bottle HE is winning, you might as well be fighting with him every time you take a drink. I have no family here and I am a single parent to a 5 year old, she is wonderful. I am unemployed trying to look for work. I kicked out my ex-husband in 2004 because I didn't want to 'coast' with someone. Plus he cheated and I was sick of looking the fool everytime and him putting me down. I wanted to live and feel life everyday. He was a lousy husband, we fought terribly, physically etc and I don't have any regrets being alone. Even though I am sometimes lonely, silence and peace is better than worrying about what he's going to say/react to, it is nice to come home and not have crap. It's been hard but I have more respect for myself today than what I was being trapped. You CAN do this and you don't need the booze to smooth out the edges. Get yourself organised, get some money together and get out.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2007): Hi, I hope my story might help. =1989= Him 28, me 17. He was the 'hard out' mature man who made me discover my insatiable sexual appetite - and I was immensely grateful. After the brief 'honeymoon period' was over for him, and I was pregnant (18), sex was almost non-existent. I realized how incompatible we were but was "Too naive and kind-hearted" to dump him (Love). I begged and cried for the affection I desired and craved from him, he didn't care and would ignore me. We fought all the time. When I'd finally had enough rejection from him I'd leave. Each time he'd tell me what I wanted to hear and promise he'd change, and I'd go back. He did change, briefly, until he got bored of it. He had his work, his friends, his sports, his social life, TV etc, and then right down the bottom was his family. I was a loyal and loving wife, a good mother/housekeeper, slim and attractive, highly appreciative of what I had, and was treated like I was invisible by the man I adored. My self esteem plummeted and I felt undesirable and was depressed and emotional. When I was 21, I felt like I was an old maid dying a slow painful death and started to drink alot in the evening after everything in the home had been done. Then I'd go out and drink more, eventually I started sleeping around. After each affair, I would be overwhelmed with guilt and disgust in myself and would be even more attentive to my husbands needs (not that he was interested), but I craved the feeling of attention and lust that I wasn't getting from him and would eventually cheat again. The rejection and cheating went on for 4 more years. I confessed to cheating on him and he would still promise to change and I'd stay. I began to believe that each year that passed was a milestone of achieving yet another year of utter misery and sadness and to quit after lasting this long would be the tragedy. Friends and family eventually got sick of me leaving him and always going back, and not taking their advice and staying away. 10 years and 3 kids later when I was 27 I was ready to leave forever, he helped me and the kids move to another town. All I took was the kids stuff, my clothes and the car. I raised 3 wonderful children without him and without the sadness of feeling lonelier when I was with him than when I was on my own. I'm 36 now and I'm far from a success story, but I just want you to know that no one can every judge you harsher than we judge ourselves and no one can tell you what to do if you're not ready, you will know when its time. I have learned to forgive myself for my behavior of almost 20 yrs ago, I was young, in a lonely relationship with a young family and didn't respect myself enough to find a better way. You can forgive yourself too. Good luck and I hope you can find Peace and happiness.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2006): Who are you people to judge this girl? You have no idea what it's like when depression and guilt take over your life. It's not as simple as "just leave him." People who are clinically depressed and have a huge amount of guilt on their shoulders don't think or act like other people. You think you're worthless and deserve whatever bad things happen to you. I work in the human services field and it takes compassion and understanding to help someone work through these things. What she needs to do is get in contact with a professional. And it's not the initial step of contacting a preofessional, it's sticking with therapy is one of the hardest things to do for someone who doesn't think they deserve help. But they do. Good luck to you honey.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2006): please try and get over with yourself, it is the only way that you'll be able to get on with your life....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2006): It`s probably not what you want to hear; but what you are doing is not nice, not right, and you know that anyway. You are very confused, you say you don`t love him, and you sleep with other men, yet you go back to him. Do yourself a favour, and your man too, leave him, so that you can both "move on" and begin to rebuild your lives.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2006): don't sleep with other people, and don't drink to solve your problems. It really is that simple. If you are unhappy with your relationship, and have communicated that as you say you have, I'm sure he sees this. It is even possible that he is unhappy as well. But, as you know, being unhappy in a relationship and being able to leave it (or sometimes even wanting to fully) are very different things. Perhaps the time has passed for hints and self objectification (you seem to want to make yourself into a recepticle for all sorts of unsavory things). Don't treat yourself this way, and don't treat him this way either. You're being unfair to both of you.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2006): don't sleep with other people, and don't drink to solve your problems. It really is that simple. If you are unhappy with your relationship, and have communicated that as you say you have, I'm sure he sees this. It is even possible that he is unhappy as well. But, as you know, being unhappy in a relationship and being able to leave it (or sometimes even wanting to fully) are very different things. Perhaps the time has passed for hints and self objectification (you seem to want to make yourself into a recepticle for all sorts of unsavory things). Don't treat yourself this way, and don't treat him this way either. You're being unfair to both of you.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2006): You sound like a selfish person. You obvisously are using your financee for something. What benefit do you see in staying with him? And when you say he promises to change, but he just ends up acting like himself...ok. What do you want him to do? Get drunk with you and screw his friends?
It's about time you own your life and take resposiblity for your own happiness instead of blaming him for making you miserable. And if he really is doing horrible things to you, just the more reason to leave him.
Get your own apartment or moving in with your mum and start over. It might not be easy, but it's certainly better than being miserable.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2006): Get rid!!!!!!!!! i am unhappy myself and am going to get rid aswell, its the best thing to do i am sure
...............................
A
female
reader, aunty butterfly +, writes (1 February 2006):
 hi,
I agree that your behaivour is self destructive and it's destructive towards someone whom you obviously thought a great deal about once,fair enough you don't feel the same anymore,but that's no excuse to keep him hanging on,even if he doesn't know about it. Your'e just living one great big lie really,you don't want him,your'e having sex with his mates...and drinking will definately not take away all your blues,it just makes you see red when you know it's all still there when you wake up the next day with a sore head.
There's a book i know of,but it's the title that i use as a guide times when i need help,it's called FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY,and if you cant find the book which helps you with anxieties of any kind,then just remember it's title.
I suggest that you start to respect your man and his mate and end it(you should never come between friends anyway),and you might find you respect yourself in such a way,that you find a way to make yourself happy because noone else can do it for you,only you can...good luck!
x Aunty B x
...............................
A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (31 January 2006):
you have to tell him you don't want to be with him. you are just allowing yourself to be unhappy and you will do the same to him. i know this is the corniest line ever but the longer you leave it, the harder it will be.
...............................
A
female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (31 January 2006):
 Obviously your behaviour is self destructive. If leaving is really a hugr problem why not confess what you have done behind his back, he would probably not have a lot of trouble leaving you. I honestly do not believe that unhappiness is reason for cheating. If you want someone else leave him, if you are un happy leave him. Nothing is forcing you to stay, just leave. In the end you will find you are far better off not with him, because you will not be so self destructive. Good luck.
...............................
|
