A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do I learn to love how I look?I've struggled with my self esteem for most of my life. I hate my body and I hate my face. People do compliment me on my looks but I feel that they are probably lying for my benefit.I eat a very healthy diet and I go to the gym 3-4x a week as well I do pilates 2x a week. I recently lost about 30 pounds and my boyfriend tells me I look hotter than ever.I put makeup on and try to buy clothes that flatter me, but I have the large-butt-small-waist phenomenon going on so most pants look like shit and most skirts won't slide over my butt... and when they do, they sag at the waist. I feel that my figure isn't normal... I can never find clothes that look good, it makes me feel like a freak. I do lots of exercises that target my butt and all that is happening is that it is getting firm, but its not getting any smaller! I hate everything about my body. My boyfriend is getting frustrated, he's been putting up with it for many years now and I fear that if I can't find some self-confidence, he may get bored of telling me how beautiful/sexy I am and find a girl that doesn't need constant reassurance like I do.I have been in therapy before, and on medication (for depression, following a suicide attempt), and it never helped... I was in therapy for about 4 years actually, from when I was 14 to when I was 18... the therapists tried their darnedest to make me like myself but.. nope! Didn't work!I realize that it is 100% up to me to accept my body but whenever I see other women I start to question myself and start to wish I looked like them, even though I know it is impossible.Any tips on how to build self-confidence... It seems like no matter what I do to change my body it'll never be enough... I am frustrated with myself... I need help.
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female
reader, Kristacohenkay  +, writes (29 December 2010):
Im sorry that I dont have a question for you but I have been wanting to know the same thing. I hate everything about myself. I would do anything to be happy with what I look like but I just cant. I cry all the time and like you my boyfriend gets annoyed with it to. I dont know what to do and I feel for you. I just want you to know your not alone.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2008): I myself have the same problem ever since puberty. I really know how you feel. The first man who offered his perspective, on this site, was right on the money. I want to think maybe i want to attract a mate, but i know it is more than that. Just know you are not the only woman who is obsessed w her looks.
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A
female
reader, dont_worry +, writes (14 October 2007):
 Think in how much time do you lose when you feel lonely an depressed about your body, instead of patying and having a blast. WHY you are not happy with who you are? you have people telling you that you are in fact beautiful, you have a boyfriend who thinks you are hot as hell and still you looked at the mirror and find some stupid errors about yourself? you should be thankful of how an amaizing life you have! please next time you look at the mirror grab a pen and a piece of paper and list all the beautiful and good things you see of yourself. ANd everyday read them while you look at you. YOu have a normal figure, maybe your butt is big and so what? men like it even moree like that! believe me =)
Please be happy, and dont put sooo much pressure on how you look.
You are fabolous girl! enjoy your body, feel sexy and attractive (:
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (13 October 2007):
 First I want to say, people usually don't lie to benefit another person. Lies are normally to protect themselves. Second, I saw you're on a diet. Are you including diet drinks, such as diet Pepsi. If so, you're adding weight to your bootie. Sugar puts it on your stomach, and artificial sweeteners put it on your rear.
Would you be surprised if I told you that your problem may not have anything to do with physical looks? You're lacking something in your life, and if you can't pinpoint what it is you may be obsessing about your looks to compensate for the feeling that you're lacking in a non-related area.
Our bodies are designed to warn us, natural internal security system. All though we get this warning, it doesn't always do it in the area that needs our attention.
Let me ask you a couple of questions to think about:
(1) Why am I off balance? (this is the main question that hopefully your answers to the others will help answer)
(2) How are my relationships? (parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, other relatives)?
(3) What am I passionate about doing? (other than your physical looks)
(4) What have I wanted to do, but haven't started or found the time in my schedule to do?
(5) How can being obsessed with MY looks be destructive and subtract from my benefit to the answers to the above questions?
There are many areas that can affect this. TV is one, commercials focus on physical. Girls in bikinis do no make me want to buy a certain brand of beer.
Why I want you to realize from this is you are a very special, important person to yourself and the relationships you hold. Over focusing on body image takes away from how you can benefit those relationships. I'm not saying exercise isn't important. When you work out, why don't you ask others what is the real reason they work out. You'll find more often than not, health is the reason. They have kids, busy careers, it's easier to maintain busy lifestyles when you're healthy. The fact is their purpose goes much higher than the action its self.
As far as superficial and non. I have been a musician for quite a few years. I've met some celebrities. One celebrity I use to run into from time to time was the (late) Chris Ledoux. I have as well had the opportunity to meet his wife. His wife was pretty, but after having children and of course keeping Chris in line all these years, he body wasn't perfect. And she didn't focus on making it that way. They focused on what's important in their lives, their children. Generally when we'd cross paths, it would be in a town I use to live in. He'd be there to watch his daughters track meet or his sons rodeo.
Life isn't superficial. life is about benefiting those around us and who we come in contact with by improving our sense of self, our place of belonging, and enhancing the areas of self that best benefit those have in contact.
I really hope this helps you. I know at your age too, guys first look at the body before they decide if they want to meet. It's not like that at my age, and you'll be older much longer than younger. I always look at intellect, personality, and whether the person bores me or not having a conversation. If I wanted just physical, I can get that by buying a blow up doll from a sex store and just fold her up and put her away when I'm done.
I hope this helped you some. Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): I think deep inside you want to be like this. You are making tons of excuses to make people feel sorry for you, to keep having problems and escape from stuff you don't want to deal with. I wouldn't be surprised if you make excuses and not listen to what I will suggest.
Dear when a person REALLY wants to change and is desperate he/she will try ANYTHING. If you keep making excuses for evrything the problem is in your mind.
If you want to see what you have never seen DO what you have never done.
You need spiritual help. That is a very strong self hatred spirit you are being tormented with. You've tried everything? I'm sure you really haven't tried going and staying in church. God can help you see yourself differently. And if you go to a good evangelical bible based church to find God I promise and guarantee your self esteem will raise.
Oh no! My parents used to take me to church when I was a little girl but I don't believe in it anymore.... I used to go to church but they manipulated me and I don't want to go back... I'm an atheist...I believe there's an energy that help us all but I don't believe in God...Those people only want one thing: my money.....I don't see how church can help me....
Keep making excuses and you'll never get better.
God helped me to feel better about myself. It'll help you too. I promise. Try it.
God Bless
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A
female
reader, toughlove +, writes (13 October 2007):
All anyone can offer to someone like you is a hug. Seriously. Find someone who can give you a big, warm, long hug, and if there's noone around give one to yourself. I am sending you a big hug from far away in the US, through the customs and the border patrol!!! :)
I also hope my hug gets through the thick wall of negativity, pressure and doubt that you've surrounded yourself with. Open your arms to the world and it will flood you with joy, in a different way every minute of every day.
I've been to shrinks too and they do not always help, so don't blame yourself in that respect. But you yourself should explore your past, remembering the really great things that have happened to you and all the happy memories as well as the really horrid ones. I think self-exploration is the best way to figure yourself out and learn to love yourself. Do you believe in astrology? numerology? chinese astrology? Who are you in all those?
When I get really negative, lonely, self-critical, I just let myself be. Everybody's different and you have to find what works for you, but I think my negativity and laziness is just a layer of tiredness and once that passes the more active me will emerge. I just let myself bum around sometimes. Sometimes I force myself to work and it is work that brings me up. I know that exercise and nature are also very affective mood-enhancers.
What will really make a difference for you long-term is........ learning to relate to others. Don't force yourself into conversations, but seek companionship and let yourself relax in the company of other people. People who create a network of friends around themselves are much more resilient, and even live longer! But don't fake it! Really try to open yourself up rather than presenting to them the shell of a person you think is acceptable rather than the awful real you :) (that's a joke)
From your deep unhappiness strong profound happiness can be built. Every building is constructed by first digging down to provide a foundation, and only then building up!!!!!!!!
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A
male
reader, clickyclick  +, writes (13 October 2007):
 flowergirl is right babe.
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (13 October 2007):
 If no one else has been able to help you love yourself so far there is nothing i can say to do the trick, what i will say though is there must be truth in what people say to you, if they did not think you were beautiful they would say nothing at all.
I wish you all the best and i realy do hope you learn to love yourself.
Take care.xx.
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