A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Well, here it is. I've been such an idiot. I have been in a relationship for 8 years and my girlfriend broke up with me a few months back. She was always head over heels about me and I took this for granted. We have spoken several times but it is always me who contacts her. She says loves me but doesn't think she's in love with me any more. I always pushed her away when talk of marriage came up and she says that now its too late as she doesn't feel the same.I've told her that I love her and that I'm ready to get married (we have never lived together) but she says she thinks its still too late. That said, she says that she is not going to see anyone just now as she needs time to think about things. Now that I've told her that I love her and I am ready for commitment she needs time as she never knew this before. She says she doesn't really know what she wants. I hate the fact that I do all the running and am always met with 'I still need time to sort out my feelings'. She says she cant just switch her feelings back on just because I've decided what I want. Or, as she put it, she cant just come running because I've decided to make my mind up.Sometimes I cant help calling her even though I know I shouldn't. This is doing my self respect no good whatsoever. I don't even know how I ended up on this site. Its not something I would usually do. I've been in touch every week since the split and she says that she hasn't been given the space that she asked for. She says if I can't give her the time to think then we had better just decide that its definitely over for good. Here's the thing, I just wanted some detached perspective on whats going on. Do I wait around? Is she letting me down gently? Is she keeping her options open in case she meets someone else? What should I do just now? Things are pretty damn hard at the minute...
View related questions:
broke up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): You know.. Im also at the same situation as your girlfriend.She just need to find herself out. She need time to think and weigh things.I know your girlfriend is just confused.. Things are puzzling her. Maybe she is quite unsure whats going to do next. Will she accept you back and risk her heart again, or will she go on with her life without you. Whatever she decided to do, just respect her.For the meantime, just give her the space she's asking for. If she really loves you, she will find her way back home.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): You know.. Im also at the same situation as your girlfriend.
She just need to find herself out. She need time to think and weigh things.
I know your girlfriend is just confused.. Things are puzzling her. Maybe she is quite unsure whats going to do next. Will she accept you back and risk her heart again, or will she go on with her life without you. Whatever she decided to do, just respect her.
For the meantime, just give her the space she's asking for. If she really loves you, she will find her way back home.
...............................
A
male
reader, krazieecko  +, writes (11 June 2008):
Any updates???
...............................
A
male
reader, krazieecko +, writes (11 June 2008):
Any updates???
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, so Valentines Day is only two days away...Should I send anything or just leave it and see what transpires? We have not been in contct at all for a few weeks. Any advice gratefully received.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys. Just thought I would post an update since you guys were pretty helpful before. I'm afraid things have not moved on any at the moment. She still says that she is all over the place. We have seen each other on a semi regular basis. She called when I sent flowers for birthday etc. We met up a couple of times over christmas.
The thing is, we always end up arguing as I want to move things on and she is still stressed out/unhappy in general. We are at loggerheads. Believe it or not she says she is STILL not sure that breaking up is the right thing but that she can't be with me while she is not happy with herself. Also, she thinks she should not make big decisions while she is stressed out. She blows up at the slightest thing.
We both decided a couple of weeks ago that we would be free to see other people if we wished. Her position being that she's not interested in doing that but that its not fair for me to keep hanging on. Last chat I said to her that things will generally find a way and that I wouldn't be getting in touch again. If she does then so be it.
I would still like things to work out but at least I don't feel as raw as I did a while back. I know I can just cut off contact now. It is entirely up to her if she gets in touch. I told her that it would have to be her decision. All my friends and family say that I should just move on as this has been going on too long. She says that it is our relationship and only the two of us are qualified to comment on that. I think the only thing that I can do now is get on with my life and see what happens. I could have walked away by now but given the circumstances I thought that she deserved some time as I kept her waiting for long enough!
So there we go, she is really stressed out and says that all the talk of marriage and a future together is just too much pressure just now. Time to move on and forget about it? Any thoughts?
...............................
A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (19 November 2007):
 Hey good to hear an update.
I would say that most people would not buy a present for an ex, so i still think there is hope there.
Some people may say that you are being strung along but these will generally be people that have been hurt and just can not get over that.
Only you can ever know who it really is and i think even you know there is still a possibility, otherwise yo would have given up by now.
They might only be small signals that she is sending out right now like the phone call ( if there was nothing there that call would not have lasted an hour) and of course the present.
I would say if it's still what you want try and hang on in there but really you do need to cut down on the contact.
Trust me it has been tried and tested and it does work in most cases (it did for me anyways)
Take care and hope to hear from you again soon.xx.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys, just when you thought you had seen the back of me, well.....its time for an update. We are still not back together and I'm wondering if its ever going to happen. I didn't manage complete non contact. If I'm honest two weeks is the most I've managed so far. She still says that its not long enough for things to change. That I need to stop trying to force things. I'm a little paranoid after reading stories from others about being strung along. That the dumper was just feeding their ego or keeping things going until they met someone else. I have to say that I don't think she would ever do this but I'm sure everyone who's ever been in the same situation would say that!Things are a little confusing at the minute. Here is the latest development. It was my birthday recently. She was away for a relaxing weekend with her friend and friend's daughter. She called for an hour or so to say happy birthday etc....Also, she says that she has a present for me. Not yet received due to online mail order delay. She has had it delivered to her not me. I assumed (maybe incorrectly) that she wanted to deliver it personally. She still says that she thinks its not a good idea for us to meet just now. Is she confused? I know I am! I just felt like posting again. Its pretty therapeutic. Any and all thoughts welcome. Magic Wand anyone?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, thats it, I'm gonna tough it out and wait to see what happens. Thanks again FG. You have a very nice way about you. If you can think of any grandiose gestures that may help then feel free to let me know. Otherwise, I will just try to sit back and give her the space that she needs. Here's hoping...
...............................
A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (18 October 2007):
Don't give up yet, all the signs are good i think and she has been honest with you and told you how she feels at the moment, so i think you would be making a mistake giving up.
Give her her space and don't blow it by getting too heavy she knows how you feel and if there was no chance i think she would have made that very clear to you, she just wants to be totally sure.
Just keep yourself occupied and have a bit of time for you do some things you would not normally do.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you, but i think it will be cool.
Take care and feel free to chat whenever.xx.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOnce again guys, thanks for the advice. Flower girl, you are too good at this! She basically says that she has been knocked back for years and got used to it.
Anyways, here's the latest update...
I've sent flowers and we've been for another coffee the other day. However, she still thinks she needs time without contact and we shouldn't meet up for a while. I can't help but feel that this is just to let her heal and then she'll be over me and move on. Although, I'll be back to square one. She says we'll have to call it a day completely if I don't just leave her to make this decision on her own as we both just end up tired and emotional all the time. I'm finding it difficult to leave her alone. My main concern is that I could hold on indefinitely (she says that wont happen) and have to deal with the hurt all over again. Which I've already been through countless times! In case I have given the impression that I'm a victim in all of this, thats not the case. I am only too aware that most of this is down to my own indecision, fear of commitment etc...The days are pretty long at the minute...
Should I give this up as a lost cause? Does anyone see any light at the end of the tunnel here? Thanks again...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2007): You strung her along. Admit it to yourself and to her and then maybe you can find a solution.
...............................
A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (13 October 2007):
Eight years she has waited for you to say that you want to marry her, up until you told her that when it was possibly too late, i'm sure in her eyes she has had nothing but knock backs from the man she thought loved her, maybe she distanced herself emotionally so when she plucked up the courage to leave it would not be so hard on her.
I think if you and her were completely over she would say so, she still went out for that coffee, but she made it clear to you so needs time to think and seeing you is confusing, it took for her to leave you before you realised what you wanted and maybe now she would like you to leave her to see if you are what she really wants, and she will only really know that if you have no contact and there is no pressure on her to make that decision.
Take care.xx.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. I appreciate all of the advice given. I don't feel that I've been stringing her along. Also, I don't want to let her go. If it was that easy, I would.
...............................
A
female
reader, Sassister +, writes (13 October 2007):
Eight years!? Leave her alone. If she loves you, she'll come back, but don't expect it. Go on with your life and deal with whatever issues you have that allowed you to string her along for eight years. Be happy for her that she has found self-respect. If you truly love her, let her go.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): I agree with flowergirl...very good advice. Just want to add my two cents here. You said in your posting, "I hate the fact that I do all the running and am always met with 'I still need time to sort out my feelings'. She says she cant just switch her feelings back on just because I've decided what I want. "
Be cautious with your intrusive thoughts and self interpretations. They can be toxic to your goal of trying to sort this out with her. And...she's right. She can't switch them on again simply because you want her to. This situation calls for patience and a lot of space. If I were you, I'd detach and back off emotionally for awhile. Less contact--perhaps she needs to know just what she will miss. Let her have the space, she wants. Occupy your life with other interests and friends. I would also suggest that you wait until she gives you a clear sign of wanting to reconcile and reinvest her love with you or you can choose to not wait and get on with your life. It's your choice and it's a tough one. No one can blame you for giving this up as a lost cause and moving on or still attempting to let her know how much you want her back. But...make the choice that makes YOU the happiest.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to update, we met for coffee last week and spent a few hours together. She says that I shouldn't take it badly that she doesn't think we should see each other. Its not that she desperately doesn't want to see me but that it confuses everything. Any thoughts?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply. It was very helpful. I'm just looking to discuss things as its on my mind constantly, even after this length of time. I'm just finding it difficult that she always wanted this but now she doesn't. She feels that I've always made the decisions and that I should leave her alone to make this decision. Also, its confusing as she says we are split up but she still wants some time to think.
...............................
A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (13 October 2007):
She has told you she needs time and until you give it to her her head will be all over the place, so tell her once more exactly how you feel and give her that space that she needs.
You can set yourself a time limit if you want, what you think would be a considerable time to think about the two of you but you have to be very strict with this or you could find yourself waiting for ever.
It's so true that you do not realise what you have till it's gone, hopefully for you it will not be too late.
Sometimes a break like this is just what a couple need, it worked for me and my husband and it certainly made us realise what we had but it does not happen over night.
Take care.xx.
...............................
|
