A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have an insecurity problem about certain parts of my body - my wife says she doesn't care about them and they make no difference to our relationship.I have asked her to show me some extra love if possible when I am a little down or reminded of them and she says yes but to date has not done so.I just need to know that I am better than anyone else she dated, anyone else she has made love too, anyone else she has been with - all I want is for her to tell me so - why cant she?
View related questions:
insecure Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (15 January 2011):
 Was she a prostitute? I think I remember your story. She was an 'escort' and you became romantically involved. I think I asked if it was a good idea for a man insecure about his size to be involved with a former prostitute. Penis size has very little to do with how a woman perceives her sexual pleasure. Size is obviously very important to the men, but most women honestly don't care.
This remains your problem. It's not hers to solve for you.
A
male
reader, Learner.uk +, writes (15 January 2011):
 Hi, yeh i do understand what your saying but why think about all those things? She has still picked you and sex is not everything in a relationship, you really do need to forget about all those issues and really look at the fact she is with you and be more positive, the last thing you want is to push her away by talking about her past boyfriends and those type of thoughts.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI said we were married as I didn't think it made much dif but its worth noting that we are just boy and girlfriend. We have a daughter though, just born.My GF has had many many many parnters of which at least 25-30 were well hung above 8inchs. Dont think this helps me.When I say many I mean hundreds literary....I am 6inchs long at best and 5inchs around at best - call me very average to on the small side of average.see where I am coming from?:)
...............................
A
male
reader, Learner.uk +, writes (13 January 2011):
Hi,
You are the love of her life your married to her, dont compare your self to other's (Everyone has done it at some point) and you end up in a rut.
Dont be insecure about your self, if it's something such as weight then you can do something about that or if its about bloke part's your beeting your self up over nothing.
If you keep being insecure it will not help things around your wife, be positive about yourself look at all the good things you have like your married! Dont keep thinking about the past look ahead to a wonderfull life with your wife.
All the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 January 2011):
 Not only is constant reassurance not sexy, it's exhausting. You'd best address this insecurity before she decides she needs a permanent vaction.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 January 2011):
"I just need to know that I am better than anyone else she dated, anyone else she has made love too, anyone else she has been with - all I want is for her to tell me so - why cant she?" She can't because you aren't better than anyone else right now because you don't believe you CAN be the best. You are sinking under the weight of your own insecurity. An insecure man is not a good lover, sorry to report. If she has to do tons of ego-propping up, um, well, that is not sexy. It's more like being a nursemaid to an invalid. "There, there, you're fine, don't worry. Here, let me staunch that bleeding. There, does that feel better? Oh wait, let me get that pillow just so for you." Not sexy.
You're expecting your wife to fix this for you when in fact the only one who can fix your stinking thinking is YOU.
If this is about the penis size, please don't think that it's your penis that is the be-all and end-all of HER sexual experience with you. I was thinking about this earlier, how is it that the penis seems to be the central object in sex? For a man, well, yes, of course, it's the primary sexual organ. But for a woman, well, it's a wonderful part of you, but her sexuality centers around HER body, her various bits, not yours. Her sexual response originates in her brain and encompasses many many many body parts. The back of the knees. The earlobes. The small of her back. Her breasts. Her vulva. Her clitoris. Above all, her BRAIN. It does NOT start and end with your penis. Sorry to smash that fantasy for you.
She is attracted to you, not your individual body parts. If you are insecure about them, well, you will present as being less attractive. You have to believe that you are perfect, just as you are. Your penis gives you pleasure, your body gives you pleasure. Revel in that. Revel in your own individuality and your own personal perfection.
There's only one guy with the biggest penis in the entire world. The rest of you have smaller penises. Therefore, you are ALL inadequate by that measure. Yep, you are ALL SMALLER than that guy. Every single one of you.
Like supermodels on the catwalk, who represent about one in ten thousand women, the extremes are what get the public attention. So if you are looking at porn, you are comparing yourself to the extremes. Like women who decide that their bodies are inadequate and try to control their eating through anorexia or bulemia to match that impossible standard, you are doing the same kind of thinking. You are comparing to the impossible standard. Your wife cannot win that battle, that exists in your own mind.
Get counseling if you are having obsessive thoughts or are showing signs of depression. See your doctor, there may be pharmaceutical options for you as well. Take care of your body, nurture it and love it and feed it well, exercise it appropriately, share it with your wife in love and well-being.
But asking her to fix this for you is just not going to work. YOU have to do the fixing. This isn't her fault, her responsibility, her issue. It is YOURS. As soon as you can grasp that, you will be on the way to fixing it yourself.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): Listen, you sound very insecure about yourself. For goodness sake, she is with you, if you were not good enough for you she would be with someone else. Don't pester her for reassurance. You will never be satisfied with her answers. Do you really need to be hold you are better than Tom, Dick and Harry. She has told you you are fine with her, believe it and stop tormenting youreself.
...............................
A
female
reader, auntieloulou +, writes (13 January 2011):
 I think you need to sit down with your wife and be completely honest with her. tell her how insecure you feel and what you feel she needs to do to help this. if you lay all your cards on the tabel with her she will know a) how you feel and b) be able to help.
also, you need to tackle this problem head on. for example, if you are insecure about your weight, go on a diet, join a gym, eat healthily. if you are insecure about the (ahem) size of your manhood. if this is the case, remember that truly size is not everything. you can have the biggest (ahem) in the world and not have a clue what to do with it. when a woman has sex with a man it is not about how big it is that pleases her, its about what you do with what you have got. read up on new sex positions that can accentuate what you have, read up on tips on great oral sex and show her good time! all problems have a solution, so try new things out!
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (13 January 2011):
 Because these are your hang ups, and you likely wouldn't believe her anyway and she knows that. You need to work on your issues. It's good that you've talked about this, and hopefully she does some of the stuff she said she would, but at the end of the day only you can get over this stuff for yourself.
I liken this to the "am I fat" question. There is no right answer. If she gives a negative response, it's obvious that is wrong, but if she tells you what you want to hear, you'll just think she's telling you what you want to hear, even if it's the truth.
If she didn't love you, faults and all, she wouldn't be married to you. You are the best man for her. You may not be the best in all realms, but nobody is. She loves you for who you are. Don't destroy that with your insecurities.
...............................
A
female
reader, justjess +, writes (13 January 2011):
 she married you. Not anyone else. You!
doesn't that tell you she thinks your better than the others?
...............................
|
