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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: A long distance relationship for the past 8 months; how foolish!I believed and hoped; yes, I wanted to believe that all will be well and that he will come to visit as promised and arranged for the last month. However, like so many times the past 6 months, always excuses; oh and trust me they are very good and very original; with a masters degree and a doctorate in psychology, I should have known and recognized the red lights flashing; but, I was ignoring the signs and even trying to justify his sometimes strange behavior. Weekends away, no calls, no contact, undercover business; all the so called secretive work; oh my, oh my, he must be having fun laughing at me!I have heard so many negative things and have so many reasons to have doubts and not to trust him, but I have selected to always give him the benefit of the doubt and to ignore what I have heard. Oh, he is so sweet and so charming, and yes, he knows how to play with words and minds.I know I have to MOVE ON and let go, but it still hurts and yeah, I am not sure if I want to laugh, cry or shout from being mad at myself; I allow him to do this to me; after I vowed, NEVER again will I allow any man to hurt me or “play” with my feelings.I ask you: How stupid can one be? Will I never learn?
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female
reader, Hopeful Romantic  +, writes (17 September 2008):
 Hey girl - I hope you are feeling better by now, for it has been some time. As much as I would like to think that long distant relationships work, I do not think they do. I was in one from 12 years old till 20 with the agreement of dating other people. When I was 20, I finally decided to move to the city where he lived and he was all about it - he encouraged me to move, told me he couldn't wait and how much he loved me. So, I ended up moving there, I was there for two days and finally at 2am he showed up to visit & wouldn't even kiss me - he had decided we needed to just be friends and told me he hoped I hadn't moved there hoping he would marry me. I told him that was not my plan, but he still didn't want me.
All I am trying to tell you is to try & not get in another long distant relationship which I am sure you have probably already told yourself you will not do. I know it hurts, I have been there and I moved there & I was depressed a whole year about it - now he calls to try and remain friends and I won't even talk to him - there are many other guys that want me as I am sure they do you, so fu*k all the @$$ holes who play with pretty girls minds when we could have much better any way. :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): Thank you all for your advice and answers. It surely did help me to "vent" and to get some perspective.
"guillaume" thanks for your input too. I surely will follow your advice and refrain from making contact.
Once again, too all of you who answered, thanks. I do feel so much better now and can FACE tomorrow.
Well done to a great site and keep up the good work.
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A
female
reader, gr +, writes (9 September 2008):
Ok, One thing I have learned is it is never about you...harsh as that sounds,whatever reason he changed hismind could be doing you a favor. If he is this misguided, secret person, he is hiding something. I was on the flip side of the same situation. and it was NOT him..it was me. I had been badly hurt by my boyfriend, and this manhad always been there for me when I was down. He worried sick about me the day the plane landed and I wasn't on it! I'm horrified I could be the bad person all the way around.because I stayed with my boyfriend and he realized I was in love with my internet friend and my internet friend was no longer my internet friend, but a very hurt person who will probally not trust anyone for quite awhile. but, in the end it is never a problem someone has with you, it is within themselves. sad as it is, I hope it helps..and maybe he is a jerk, which in that case and my friends case you're better off....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): Thanks "ask Oldersister", you are right, I need to distance myself. Oh, you know, I know all these things, yet, I somehow, stare myself blind at, heaven knows what?In talking here to you all on this site not only helped me to "vent" but also to get my mind straight. I know, and yes, I should have known all along. I was so foolish!He even fool my self by saying"he was so good", but yes, you are right, I should have listened to my 6sense and my common sense. Hopefully I learned from this. Ouch, it does hurt, maybe the ego and emotions can have a fight about whom most!Thanks again.Thanks again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): "ask older sister" thanks I take note. Just to clear, we have still been seeing each other the last six months, but, we never get to meet when we arrange to be at my house. I travel around the country often for work and have discovered that he had "tags" on me with some of my work related travels.
I do take note of the advise and yes, I welcome your input and answers. It helps to clear my mind and get perspective on how to move forward.
Thanks to all of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): Okay, maybe I did not give you enough information. I was just so "livered". Yes, probably needed to"vent".
"Uncle Phil", no he is not married. "Collaroy", I will try and give more information, maybe then the "undercover" business is more understandable. "Starismine 1", thanks yes, I have done that in the past. I made the list and it will be tough to match.
We have been in this long distance relationship for 8 months. Flying all over the country to meet and spent time together; he mainly pays for the tickets and we really have good times; he spoils me and treats me like a queen.We have so much in common and can spend hours talking and enjoy each other. From the start we just "clicked"; in most aspects, but distance have always been a problem. We phone each other numerous times during the day and at night; have long conversations have phone sex when apart.Trust me uncle Phil, I sometimes phone in the early hours of the morning, there cannot be a wife around;
He visited my house once for a short two day stay and bonded very well with my children.(two teenage boys). They like him very much and are in contact via text message or phone calls. He spoke with my parents whenever they are visiting, but never meet them.
He is a batchelor 3 years older then myself. I have his work number and lots of info etc; I have not been to his house, but have done some security checks in the beginning. Car registration and property details etc. I have not meet his family but he wants me to meet them.
SO what is the problem you will ask?
For the last 6 months, since March, whenever we make arrangements for him to meet me at home and spend time with me here at home, he cannot make it. There is always an last minute excuse. Such as some emergency at work, or the brothers teenage daughter that ends up in hospital or now today, he was suppose to drive to me and spend the rest of the week with me. Then phoned very apologetic, he needs to get back to the office to finalize matters. "Matters" being, leaving the Government service to enter into Private Practice with a established firm.(He had meetings with them for that reason on his "So called" way to me. Oh so I must be happy, and understand that then he will be "free" from the "secret service". I find all this just to much. Maybe I am unreasonable, maybe it is the disappointment once again. I don't know.I am not stupid but have these mixed feelings, am I just being scared?
I have had warnings from an ex boyfriend, who claims to be a Private Investigator that this guy is bad news and will hurt me. Sure, maybe it is just stories, but, could there be more to it.
What do you "wise" people suggest.
The "undercover" or secret work involves assisting detectives in special Organized Crime Units. He is employed by government and is highly qualified in law and psychology, but all these crime investigations and secretiveness is too much. Then he cannot be reached and that is just a little suspicious.
He phoned a short while ago, but I don't feel like talking to him; I was listen to Sarah Brightman, the song "a time to say goodbye".
I know it will be difficult, but I cannot continue like this. I really care for him and he makes me very happy, but this is not a real life. He told me earlier today he will organize bookings and I must fly to meet him the weekend and stay for a few days next week.He wants to introduce me to the people at work, also at court and to his family, but I don't know if I feel upto it. I think for now, I am going to take a step back, distance myself a little and if he is really serious he can get on a flight over the weekend to come to me. Then maybe some honest discussions might bring more clarity.
I want to support him, but I do not want to be played for a fool and hate the disapointment time and time again. I in fact told my kids last night already, not to get to excited, something might just happen again, and it did.
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A
female
reader, wonderinggirl  +, writes (9 September 2008):
what has he actually done wrong?Ended it?Or have you found out something?And im really sorry youre going through thisx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): I suppose it's a lesson learned.
My guess is he was just having a bit of fun and is probably married.
Hope you feel better for getting it off your chest!
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female
reader, starismine1 +, writes (9 September 2008):
 I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. Any woman can fall victim to the pleasure and ego stroking that attention and desire from another man gives you. What usually happens in long distance internet relationships is that we fantasize more about the person and fall in love with the fantasy, because reality never looks and feels nearly as good. I would focus on the kind of attention he gave you that had meaning, and the appreciation of you that he did give, and then focus on finding this in a relationship with a real live person who you see all the time. There are no mistakes in finding love, only journeys on our road to finding Mr. Right. Take it from someone who has rode many miles on that sometimes rocky road!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): Hello there. I'm so sorry to hear you are hurting so badly but this is not your fault at all so please don't blame yourself. All you did was give your love away and that is no crime at all. I can really sympathise with your pain I really can. I also had a long distance relationship with a man I met online for years only to discover once I'd given my heart to him he was actually married with children!! What an arse!! I also felt like a complete idiot too beleive me so you are not alone in this field at all. People like that will prey on any kind of victim with a good heart cos they are expert decievers! Its so easy to look back once you know the truth and be hard on yourself that you should have seen these signs, but hence the saying love is blind! But try to take comfort now in the fact that you now know what a small man he really is. Hes not the person you believed to have fell in love with in the first place. Ask yourself deep down if thats really someone you want to give your precious time too. Start by doing anything positive no matter how small that takes your mind of him and makes you feel good about yourself. A change in routine. Just set yourself realistic goals for the future. I know this is easier said than done especially when your in agony with heart ache but in time it will get easier..its always the starting that is the hardest part! and you will eventually meet someone who truly deserves you and treats you like a queen. Never settle for anything less than that. Life is way too short and your deserve a million squillion times better!Take care :) x x
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (9 September 2008):
 Hi,
you dont give any examples of his behaviour or ask for solutions so i guess you are just venting your feelings here and not really looking for any advice.
I am most curious what you mean by 'undercover business'?
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A
female
reader, fortoner +, writes (9 September 2008):
be thankful that you realize what is happening and you are getting out of it... learn to laugh at your self and above all, you know that you need to move on... now just do it.
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A
female
reader, fortoner +, writes (9 September 2008):
be glad that it happined over a few months and not a few years... learn to laugh at your self... and be thankful... thankfull that you learned and you didn't do something even more foolish like move in with him and then find out that he was a jerk. You are not all that stupid, at least you learned
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