A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 16 years of marriage has admitted to a gay affair and numerous indiscretions with men for the last 6 years. I was devastated and even though 8 weeks have passed I feel a little bit stronger. I have been receiving counselling to come to terms with my feelings but I have some very difficult questions to face up to. My husband is bisexual but I arrogantly thought he would never cross that line because he claimed he loved me. Our three kids love from me and our home and lifestyle was at risk but still he continued to have anonymous sex with men. My question is can a man be bisexual and love and have a marriage and still fulfill his sexual needs by scoring with men occasionally or so? Can you love a woman and have sex with a man with no consequence? Do people live like this happily and successfully or does the relationship become OPEN so both partners can be satisfied? Needless to say bisexuals want to be able to satisfy both sides of themselves but it is not without risk. I don't feel strong I still feel confused. Help
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (19 October 2012):
 I really hope you find some peace, you seem such a nice person and I am sure with the right support that you can find a way back to happiness.
We live in a society where homosexuality/lesbianism is still vilified and this does lead people to live double lives and decieve people, even those they love...it's a sad situation that you have been caught up in unawares but now things are out in the open, you can draw some strength and move on.
A few years ago I worked with a lady in her mid thirties who's husband left her for a much older man. She, like you was unaware of his true sexuality and they have 5 kids.
She has now moved on and is happily in another relationsip.
I am glad you are having counselling, stay strong and the future will sort itself out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionReading the responses has been therapy in addition to the support I have been given from my one to one counselling I have been having for the last 10 weeks.I want to make it clear that I was not aware of his bisexuality before our marriage until well into it after having the children.It was drip fed to me as child abuse, then rape then a full blown relationship. What does one do on hearing it thinking you have trust? I wanted to believe that admitting to me he was bisexual I didn't think it would affect our relationship because he said I made him truly happy as his wife and life partner as I was his soul mate. Imagine my shock when I find condoms in our home in his bag.
I'm beginning to see my situation is challenging but find comfort in knowing so many people are going through similar situations such as mine. with the love and support of family and friends I know I will get through this. Thanks again xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you to all those that gave responses to my question. you all gave me thought and points that I did not consider. The first thing was consider it as cheating. I wanted to consider couple counselling after reading all your answers and it has confirmed that he is avoiding it at any cost threatening divorce because he will have to admit to a third party his true intentions. Initially I thought it was a condition like an itch it needed occasional scratching. Creating a separate life for me and the kids will not be easy but you are all right I HAVE TO ADMIT TO MYSELF THERE IS NO LONG TERM FUTURE IN MY MARRIAGE. I will continue the counselling for myself to begin the process of moving on. thank you for providing me support.
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A
female
reader, fireball  +, writes (14 October 2012):
 Maybe i'm losing something in translation here, but isn't marriage suppose to be between one man and one woman? Extra marital affairs (irregardless of what sex they are with) is "affairs".
Are you satisfied to allow him to cheat? Are you satisfied to open yourself up to all kinds of STD's, not to mention the questions which may arise from your children if they ever find out about some of his actions....
"IF" he loves you, his actions are saying he loves himself more. Sure, he's happy. He's getting his cake and pie too.
Problem is: Cross contamination..."yuck!"
Leave him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 October 2012):
 I think a man can be quite happy having his family and get whatever "Strange" on the side he wishes for.
However, if that was my husband it would be over, cheating is a total no-no and for him to put ME (his wife) at risks for all kind of STD's is is just borderline sociopath behavior.
Your husband had no guilt, no remorse over how THIS affects YOU.
Could I love a man who wants to have sex with other men, sure - just like I could love an man who would want to screw other women - BUT I would NOT be in a relationship or marriage. I just couldn't do that. If My SO felt HIS sex-life was more important them the marriage, then he can leave, go be single and screw his brains out.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (13 October 2012):
The fact that he is bisexual doesn’t mean that he has to have sex with men. Being bisexual means that he is attracted to both men and women, not that he is incapable of monogamy. Think about it: would you put up with him having sex with other women? A heterosexual person would also find people other than their spouse attractive because it’s human nature, but does that mean they are compelled to go and have extramarital sexual encounters with those people, or is that cheating? Do you have to have sex with other men and if not what’s the difference between
Whether this double-life can be sustained is really dependent on whether you can cope with this double-life he is leading. Are you able to accept that this is part of him? Or is he willing to remain faithful from now on for the sake of your marriage? You need to have an honest conversation with him about this. Get him to explain why he has had these encounters with men and don’t be afraid to be frank with him about how you feel about this and truthful about whether you can cope with it or not. Only with honesty on both sides can you work out if you can find a sustainable pathway for your future together. Although it would not be unreasonable of you if you were not prepared to accept this behaviour, it does happen to more couple than you’d think and it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you and your kids, or that he wants to put your family at risk even though he’s clearly doing so with this behaviour, not to mention the fact that he puts his and your health at risk by having anonymous casual sex.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (13 October 2012):
Yes it's called leading a double life.
Is it sustainable?
Yes if you both choose to protect the little bit of love that exists in your marriage and be in denial about everything else that is going on.
Emotionally, it's not sustainable because eventually the pain, hurt and betrayal you feel will keep surfacing...and sooner or later you are going to have to deal with it.
You knew your husband is bi sexual (although it's not clear if you knew before you married him) so with some naiveity you thought he'd never act on his impulses...well now he has, and in spectacular form and he's looking at you saying 'I told you so', so where does that leave you?
This isn't just about his happiness...it's about yours. As the other aunts hve said, he is a cheat so on that alone you have the grounds to divorce him...but do you really want to?
Yo have to look at how the whole event is affecting you and your life and that of the children. Is he practicing safe sex? Could he infect you? How do you stand finacially if he chooses to go off with one of these men?
Do not expect him to take responsibility forany of these things, because he has already proved himself to be entirely self centred with no regard for your well being.
Even if you guys split up, there is no guarantee that you will find someone you love more or who will be a better father to your children, but if you stay, knowing what you know and not confronting him with your needs for happiness then this will fester away and destroy you.
If it were me, I think I would quit, but thats because I know I'd be ok by myself. How will you fare? Do you think you could stand this situation for the rest of your life?...others have chosen this path with lots of different outcomes and there are no guarantees.
One thing is guaranteed...he will not stop and go back to being 100% your husband...pandora's box is open and on that fact alone, you must decide here your future lies.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2012): I agree with the previous posts too. The day he took vows to forsake all others then that was his decision to love only you and be with only you. It really has no difference if he says "but I need to satisfy that part of me blah blah..." I would be very hurt and would not allow someone to think it was acceptable to have affairs and use "I'm bi" as an excuse.
Straight, gay or bi he has to learn to keep it in his trousers and if he wants to be with men he can do it as a single man because it will lead to heartache if you stay. Imagine waiting for him to come home and you know he has had sex with someone else, it would be soul destroying. Because every ounce of trust would already be gone, I personally couldn't trust him to not put my health at risk with STD's. If he wants to be with you, lay down some rules; go to marriage counselling, stop cheating and put family first.
Best of luck and I hope you find happiness
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 October 2012):
 Why do you see this as a sexual orientation issue ? Bottom line is, your husband is cheating on you. A cheater is a cheater, whether he cheats with males , females or penguins.
I don't think the socio -psychological questions, albeit interesting, have much relevance in your case. He is a married guy and as such he should not be chating. That's all.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (13 October 2012):
 He cheated on you. It doesn't matter if it was a man, or another woman. He broke your marriage vows. You should look at this without trying to label it. Apparently you knew he was bisexual when you married him. I think he has always been in a high risk group for cheating. But it is still a "choice" people make. There are no unforseen "forces" that make people behave badly and give into their lusts. He crossed a line. How would you feel if it had been another woman? And don't say "relieved". I know it's much harder to wrap our brains around an affair of the same sex, but it's no better and no worse. Cheating is cheating. He violated your marital bond and if you stay with him, he will do it again. You have to decide if you can live in an "open" marriage, filled with deception and lies, exposing yourself to a number of fatal sexual diseases. Is he worth that? He may have been a model husband for a while, but then again you don't know how long he's really been doing this. Just because he fessed up doesn't mean it's the first time. It just means he's tired of "hiding".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2012): I don't know much about the topic but "bi" means two as you well know. I know in your head you honestly believed that he will stay committed to only you, but you knew he wasn't straight. He can't change who he is no more than you can change who you are. He tried his best. From what I understand, its possible for him to engage in that behavior considering that they have equal desire for both sexes. I don't know what your plans are for the future, I would be careful about continuing having sex with him. Any partner who is engaging in having outside affairs is putting the other at risk. It doesn't matter if he is gay, straight or bi. STDs dont discriminate. I would take precautions if I were you. Best of luck
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