A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is kind of long because it all relates I appreciate you reading and helping I'm in my mid twenties in grad school and I live with my parents. I am also a massage therapist. I work at a wellness center an hour away from home as well as have my own office in another city where I see my own referrals/regular clients. My income is not enough for me to live on my own. My teenage niece and nephew live with my parents also. I'm very grateful to live there but feel my father does not respect me as an adult when it comes to them.My sister has always made bad choices in life and there were many times growing up when my nieces and nephews (there's 5) had to live with us. The two that live with my parents now are the oldest, and I helped take care of them in my teens, especially my niece as a baby. I took care of her like she was mine all day, everyday when my parents were at work while my teenage friends enjoyed their summer. During this same time in my teen years, my father became very cold towards me (but we were close when I was little). I'd speak, he wouldn't respond and any time he WOULD speak to me he'd be complaining, yelling, criticizing, down talking or lecturing me. There were a few incidents where he hit me hard (slapped me in my face, knocked me down on the floor) over small incidents like accidentally brushing passed him in the hallway or not being in bed.This wasn't all the time, but the few times it happened caused me to completely avoid him and our relationship has been awkward ever since.I do not have easy going conversations with him like I can with the rest of my family members.At first it was just my oldest nephew living with us because my sister kicked him out. She also all of a sudden turned on me and we are no longer on speaking terms. She compares her life to mine and resents me for it and my mother claims she feels guilty that I am dealing with things she is suppose to be responsible for. I was, again, left with no choice but to I guess "act" as a parent with my nephew. As he was a teenager, he was difficult to deal with and his school called me left and right and I would constantly have to pick him up when they'd call, go talk to his principal and etc. I'd have to go pick him up from school and there were days when he wouldn't be there when my day was basically based on that task. There was a time when we clashed, and I slapped him. I felt horrible and apologized to him later. And I realized how I was mimicking my father and hated this, so I learned my lesson. My father witnessed this also and intervened by telling me "how wrong" it was. But because of the type of person he is (who always has to be right, and can't argue with him) I didn't oppose or argue....NOW my niece is purely rude to me and barely acknowledges me. She has been this way for the past couple years, especially during when my nephew last moved in. And I think it has to do with my sister. When my niece lived with my sister, my sister was constantly bad mouthing me around her, and when she would call or come over to visit, she would not even address me. Both my mother and I have informed her (very kindly)of how she is and that it is unacceptable and it is important to be polite but my father for some reason ALWAYS intervenes with this. An incident just happened with us when she did not clean the bathtub, one of her few chores. She NEVER does her chores when she is supposed to, either me or my mother has to tell her but it's mostly ME because I have to share a bathroom with her (and my nephew).I am ALWAYS kind and patient when addressing her because I learned my lesson the first time with my nephew and felt horrible. After I made her clean the tub, she continued being defiant towards me and I raised my voice. My father came in raising his voice at ME and siding with her without even knowing what was going on. He also heard how she addressed me and did and said NOTHING about it. I haven't been staying there lately and my mother has been acting as the mediator. The reason for his intervening was because he was scared that I was going to hit her since I hit my nephew last time and he accuses me of being jealous. It really ANNOYS and HURTS me that he is scared that I'm going to hit her, but he slapped me hurt me, slapped me across my face and pushed me as if I was a man his size for some measly reason in the same exact room where I simply raised my voice at her for good reason. And I feel like as an aunt, who also helped take care of her, she should not be disrespectful to me and he does not help enforce this, and his treatment towards me just lets her know it's ok. And the fact that her defiance and rudeness towards me is partly due to my sister doesn't make the situation any easier. I decided to move in with a friend because I don't want to continue clashing with my niece but I am going to school closer to home and still have to stay there on occasion until the semester ends. I want to confront my father about all of this, especially since I have no choice but to somehow cross paths with my niece somehow. I want to first address my niece and why respect from her is dismissed by him and also address everything else. But should I bother? And if so, how should I go about it? I don't want to move all of a sudden without speaking to him but feel I cannot be "normal" with him until this is addressed.
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at work, jealous, live with my parents, moved in Reply to this Question
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female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (14 October 2012):
 Hi,
Is sad that you took the responsibility of looking after your sister children especially when you were only a kid yourself. With much responsibility you still found the time to go to grad school and work part-time. I must say you are a hard-worker and your dad should be proud of you instead of giving you a hard time.
It is always difficult to deal with teenagers and your niece and nephew are at that stage in their lives.
You shouldn't have hit your niece and I know you sincerely regret doing this now but still your father shouldn't take sides with your niece when you are trying to correct her that is wrong. He could discuss with you later if there is something he felt you could have done better but not directly in front of her otherwise she looses respect for you and subsequently becomes difficult to control by anyone. I think this is something you can discuss with your dad and if he does mention his fears about you hitting her you should make clear it was an accident unlikely to happen again.
I believe you still have some unsettled issues with your dad that you would need to talk to him about, maybe also with your mum support. I can see you are worried about the outcome but is best it is said and no matter how he reacts you will be able to move from this easier once you have told him. You should also talk to your niece but make sure you tell her you love her so much and want the best for her.
Is a good thing you are staying with a friend and maybe eventually you can get a place of your own. i think you should start thinking more about yourself because it is time you do.
Hugs
Kelly
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