A
female
age
30-35,
*ervy
writes:Hi Aunts,This might be a long one -here's some b/ground info - I've been going out with my boyfriend for just about a year now. A while ago I had an incident where some guy basically felt me up while i was asleep - it kind of left me a bit jittery with being intimate. I love my boyfriend so much, and I'm totally comfortable with him now though. However, I have this annoying habit of falling asleep - VERY EASILY!The other night things he was being loving and caressing me (ahem... all over). I had worked 9 hours that day already, and was obviously more tired than I'd thought. I basically was just feeling so nice and relaxed that I nodded off. When I woke up a few minutes later, he was in a real stir, not because I'd fallen asleep as such, but because I'd started or jumped in my sleep when he was touching me. Now I myself in my head am really quite fine with what had happened in the past, but my body often isn't. He felt like he had violated me, but I felt like it was entirely my fault. He wouldn't turn around and look at me - he said it wasn't my fault but obviously felt like he didn't want to look at me, which made me feel pretty damaged. Eventually it ended up with me crying because he said he felt like 'I effing hated him", which of course is not the truth.We had a talk after which was really difficult, he felt like I should have just told him to stop because I was tired - I felt like I couldn't have forseen falling asleep, and that I shoudln't have told him to stop because I was enjoying it.Phew - so I guess I just need some help - how can I avoid this in the future? I can't forsee if I'm going to fall asleep. The way he acted afterward didn't seem like HE was the one that was feeling bad. If I were in a situation where I felt like I'd violated someone, I would have apologised, but he didn't. I want him to stop thinking about what happened to me in the past. I can't help how my body reacts when I'm asleep!Please help me!! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (19 October 2010):
Hi. You sound very positive about things now, that's great.
It's healthy that you are talking about things with your boyfriend, because a lot of things can be cleared up and some better understanding formed, so things go more smoothly in future.
Sleep disorders - yes more research into that is important. It will help you find a suitable solution or appropriate treatment.
Also get your iron levels checked out (your doctor). This is very important anyway.
Research on the net, or see your local pharmacy for products (creams etc.) for your exema. There are much better alternatives to steroids. Too many side effects with steroids, especially over a long time.
Good luck and best wishes.
A
female
reader, mervy +, writes (19 October 2010):
mervy is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks everyone again!To those who suggested it, I've been researching sleeping disorders (I'd actually forgotten I had done that previously, so I'm re-remembering a lot of useful things), and hopefully getting the relevant tests done. Dorothy, lucky this young man is in it for the long haul! We had a good chat about it, and he agreed that neither of us acted in a way that was beneficial - I don't think there will be a problem there again. Your post really helped me bring it up with him. As for the eczema, after being permanently on steroids for the last two years, I'm finally weaning off them. My skin is no longer sore - I just get itchy when I'm stressed out - but it just seems to have been left super sensitive after years of abuse. Not really sure what to do about that, but hopefully it'll cool down.ivanichiaynus - showing him the posts is a great idea, though he finds it very amusing that i post my problems online (anonymously albeit!) - so I just sort of repeated them verbatim (maybe pretending that these had been my great ideas - so sorry all!)Cindy - thankyou as well for suggesting the anaemia. I'm vegetarian, so it's a distinct possibility as I have had low iron before.Thankyou all for your great answers!love,mevy.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (18 October 2010):
Hello again. Yes, you should definitely be open and honest with him and say to him, that you are too tired and could you sleep instead.
With honesty about how you feel, it makes him feel good about himself, and that the reason isn't that he has a poor technique. So his self-esteem stays intact, and that's important.
It's always best to be honest with him rather than saying nothing - then falling asleep (with him wondering if he is boring you).
You say your skin is sensitive (exema), are you having that successfully treated? If you aren't at the moment, then that's something to consider as well. There are quite a few very effective creams and treatments on the market these days. That will fix the sensitivity problem you have, which will also help. Skin is a very sensually erotic organ, and is also an important part of lovemaking, so to make it more touchable, would add to your pleasure.
You must also mention to him (if you haven't already), that your skin is a bit painful and tender, so to be very light with his hand when he does touch your skin, so that it can still be enjoyable to you. When making love, gently remind him if it becomes uncomfortable or hurts you, even if it's only slight.
Now to the falling asleep issue that you have, which really is the main issue here. You say that you sleep soundly every night for a good solid 8 hours, so lack of sleep is clearly not the problem.
You haven't mentioned whether you have seen a doctor about this health issue, and it isn't normal really, to feel a need to sleep during the day - except if you didn't sleep well the night before. That would be the only exception.
Although, like "CindyCares" said in her post, anaemia can cause tiredness and a feeling of low energy, which is a very common symptom of it, so also have that checked out (a blood test, I think), it's worth it to do that.
It's a case of a process of elimination, to get down to the real cause of these sleepy feelings. Testing will also rule out anything serious.
I would really recommend you see your family doctor about this, and it might be necessary to have you do a sleep clinic to see what's happening during your sleep at night.
It definitely does sound like some kind of sleep disorder. The main thing to consider is, it is starting to impact on your relationship with your boyfriend, and your life generally as a result.
All the more reason to go and see about it as soon as possible. It's probably not life threatening, but if you were behind the wheel of the car driving, well then it does become a direct threat to your life. It really does need to be seen to.
Although I partly think it might be psychological that you fall asleep during foreplay, it is also physiological as well. A bit of both. So please don't leave it any longer before investigating it further.
The longer you leave it, the more and more negatively it will impact on your relationship with this young man, and it's possible it could end over it, if you do nothing. Then the pattern will just continue with the next one and the next etc. Then all you will have will be a series of disappointing, broken relationships - and a whole lot of loneliness.
Hope this also helps you further. Take care.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 October 2010):
 I'd check with a doctor anyway. Falling asleep SO easily is not very usual- it sounds more like you are passing out. And at your age it's not normal feeling always tired ,even if you work very hard.
That used to happen to my sister then they found out she had anemia ( which she never had considered, in lack of other symptoms ). There is a bunch of other medical conditions that affects sleep patterns and quantity of sleep needed.
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A
male
reader, ivanichiaynus  +, writes (17 October 2010):
 Communication is everything, but if you have difficulty talking about this delicate matter, show him tour post on here and the answers - saves a lot of debate!
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A
female
reader, mervy +, writes (17 October 2010):
mervy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Dorothy!
I know the post was a bit of an eyeful!
I sleep really well, averaging at least 8 hours a night, I get up early, and like going to bed early, however I still seem to be falling asleep all the time! Don't think it's narcolepsy, I just like sleeping :)
I think you're spot on with me falling asleep affecting his self-esteem - how could it not! It must be an awful feeling.
I don't feel in my heart like he would ever do anythign to hurt me, he's the complete opposite of that. But it's like my body just betrays me. Sometimes I jump when he just touches me anywhere. I think this is partially because I have eczema and my skin is used to being torn at, not touched nicely :)
Do you think I should just tell him to stop if I'm tired, all the time? I geniunely like being intimate with him, and I'd hate to waste an opportunity..!
I'm definitely going to bring some of these points you've provided up with him. Thankyou so much for your help and reassurance.
mervy.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (17 October 2010):
Hi there. You say you fall asleep very easily. Do you usually sleep well at night generally?
When you go to bed each night, do you generally sleep right through?
OR, do you wake up a few times during the night, then go back off to sleep again - until the next time?
What about nightmares - any of them?
Do you drive at all? Can you stay awake to drive safely?
To fall asleep during something so pleasurable as lovemaking, is either because you are genuinely very tired, or you are blocking it somehow - perhaps thinking back to when someone touched you when you were asleep all those years ago. It's possible that is what's happening.
People will fall asleep when they are bored. I'm quite sure that wasn't the case, as you said that you enjoyed the experience at the time.
It definitely seems to be some carryover from before, so you are unconsciously tuning out altogether.
I guess it's really a case of trust. You need to learn to trust your boyfriend unconditionally. Trust him unless he does anything to prove otherwise. He would not violate you like that other guy did, he would rather you said - "No sorry, I'm really tired tonight". This would prevent the same thing happening again with you going asleep on him.
Each time you do that, he feels insulted - like he's not very good. This then affects his self-esteem as well.
It's something you have to work on. But the bottom line is, it really comes down to trusting he will always do the right thing by you, no matter what the circumstances.
I sincerely hope this helps you. Take care and best wishes.
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