A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am a 32 y/o woman who has been in a relationship for the past 6 years and I am totally confused as to whether I should leave my fiance or or not. I really need some help with this.My fiance can be quite controlling and aggresive towards me, for example today, we are on holiday in Las Vegas and we have had a minor row over something very stupid and he has walked out and left me on my own for the afternoon!! I feel lonely and upset by this whole thing, this is not the first time he has done this either whilst we have been on holiday.... at home there are days when he is very attentive and loving but most of the time it is me that has to make the effort with our relationship... and i feel like he just sits around and gets all the cuddles etc.... as you can imagine there is more to this than what I have written here but don't want to go into it right now.... please helpAllie
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (21 March 2010):
 OP you are young and do not need to work on anything that does not work...
you have so many options out there.
you don't love him, you love the illusion that he presented himself as. You love what he claimed to be in the beginning of the relationship.
You are disgusted and/or extremely upset with who he has become (his true self) to the point where you are going outside to complete strangers for help.
What it comes down to is a decision.
Go down the road where you have been going for YEARS that you don't like.
Or go down a new road where you can start fresh and meet a *man* that respects you as a woman and a human.
Do you want to be in a mediocre (at best) relationship?
Or do you want to be in a good one?
You know what you want to do in your heart of hearts.
I wish you the best in what could potentially be a fulfilling and happy life :)
Sincerely,
-Vincenzo
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (21 March 2010):
 Only those dead or those unborn cannot change. Please don't insult people's intelligence!
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (19 March 2010):
Do not listen to laura318 or anyone else who says that people can change.
IF someone does change? it is because they fear for themselves, not for their loved ones.
I say that you leave.
Basic rules of psychology back me up.
You know this, and I know this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): I have to say that you need to communicate with him. I have a similar prob to your partner... (not to his degree)! You see I was hurt alot when I was younger, both my parents left me and I was raised by my gran. What I learnt (trying to unlearn) is that you can't trust anyone. When people hurt me or upset me, my first reaction is to shut them out COMPLETELY so they don't hurt me more. Then when I realise that I am safe and I calm down then I go back to them. I think that he has deep commitment issues and that he is afraid of being hurt. No excuses for him but TALK to the guy and tell him that deserting you is not helping anyone BUT is in fact fuelling the fights...Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (19 March 2010):
The controlling part is because she did not stand up for her rights.She yielded to him every time and he became bolder .
It is mental and emotional abuse. He will only respect her if she stands up to him and not let him have his ways always.
If the worse comes to the worst, she may have to leave him . This will make him realize that it is not she that cannot live without him but it is 'HE' that cannot live without her.
He will then realize the errors of his way and will change for her.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (19 March 2010):
 If he was worth leaving your husband for, maybe he's worth knocking into shape.
Hitting men with frying pans is now illegal.. best to wait until he calms down and deal with him then.
One thing.. the controlling thing is a bit worrying though, unfortunately you haven't given many details about this.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (19 March 2010):
Some men are just like rough diamonds and they need to be cut,polished and rubbed until they shine and sparkle.
Thats when other women who saw the glitter in them would want to snatch them away. LOL!
I would advise the OP to hang on in there because if you don't dig deep enough , you may not get the diamond below .
You need to have perseverance and patience and in the end , you will enjoy your diamonds.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (19 March 2010):
Miamine, better late than never. Don't blame the men for always taking and not knowing how to give back.
It is the way they were treated differently when they were small. Girls had to do everything while they were pampered and had everything done for them.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (19 March 2010):
And it's not just the men.. lol
Yep, I've done that.. got angry a some little thing on holiday and stormed off leaving the guy wondering if I'll ever come back... not good behaviour, but definitely correctable.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (19 March 2010):
"I do love him very very much!! I just don't get loved in the same way back and I get very hurt by it...."
Men and women's love languages are different . You may not understand his love language because you can only understand your own love language . It is like speaking English to a French or a hen talking to a duck.
He does love you in his own way , except that you do not see it because you did not put on your 3D glasses...LOL!
Maybe , you can Google about the art of understanding your mate or you can read this book "The Art of Understanding Your Mate : Cecil G. Osborne."
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (19 March 2010):
My SIL treated my daughter in that way too while they were dating. He dumped her thrice after some fierce argument but they are now happily married.
Once they were traveling in a car and they had an argument, he asked her to get out of the car and he simply just drove off, leaving her all alone by the roadside.The man was not thinking straight and was irrational when he became angry.
It is apart of him that has not grown up. People can change. It takes time and he has to learn how to control his anger or rage.
He can be attentive and loving.He is not perfect but in time , he will learn from his experiences .He does not mean to hurt you . It is simply that he was brought up in that way and his mother spoilt and pampered him when he was small.
He could probably be the only child in the family or where his mother dotes on him. He is used to taking and do not know how to give back.
Men are not stupid,they are just obtuse. Lacking quickness of perception or intellect or sensitivities.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (19 March 2010):
 A lot of women like to excuse men's poor behavior and rescue them from themselves, but the fact is, You are looking for a partner! Someone to raise children with!
Stranding you in a foreign country while he goes off and has a "Mantrum" isn't being a parter-in-life. Think outside of the box and re=evaluate what you actually want your future to be like. This man sounds like you will always have an extra child to raise - Him. There are actual grown ups out there. Don't settle. Life is too short and your DON'T get a second chance at a decent husband and father - you just get either a rotten marriage or a lousy custody battle. Sorry to be the voice of doom, but he really does have issues that are a mask on a larger issue.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (19 March 2010):
Indeed Laura, it dose sound as if this is his way of getting angry and letting of steam. He dosen't seem to know another way. Same with the hugging, he likes getting them, but dosen't know how to give them back.
lol.. my dad was like that.. but I wore him down.. 40years of kissing and cuddling and now he finally understands. Sorry to say, some men are just stupid.. :)
We are all brought up differently, his family probably told him to hide his emotions and not talk about them. Yes, he can change, with a lot of time and love.
In the meantime, I suggest you pick up a copy of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", by John Grey. It will help you to understand his way of communicating, and why he acts differently from the way you expect.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (19 March 2010):
no point in staying...
once an asshole to you always and asshole to you...
do not stay
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (19 March 2010):
He is either immature or that is his way of dealing with those types of problems. He may have grown up in that kind of atmosphere where he does that to his g/f.
He is too angry and agitated and feels that he cannot do anything to convince you . He throws a tantrum and then he will walk away from you like you are nobody and dump you to your own devices.He couldn't care less because he is in a big rage.
After he has cooled down , he will say nothing and act like nothing has happened.Exactly as you have described it.
He is just like a small kid who lose an argument and went off cursing your name and being angry. He needs to grow up .
You have to deal with him with kid's love and act normal and eventually he will come around until the next explosive argument.
Try not to argue with him . You should by now know where are his limits and boundaries. Don't cross it. Even if you don't agree with him , do not argue with him.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (19 March 2010):
You are on an emotional rollercoaster - use your brain as the brakes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do love him very very much!! I just don't get loved in the same way back and I get very hurt by it..... he did come back.... no apology nothing! He is still being very crappy with me also.Wont touch me or go anywhere near me.... the sad thing is I will just try to carry on as normal and he will eventually come round.
If i leave I will have absolutly nothing, no home, no money... I will seriously end up on the street.... The ironic thing is I left my husband for him and three kids!! I have only just got over the depression from that one.
I feel like i am on an emotional rollercoaster!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (19 March 2010):
The things that will attract you to a man will drive you crazy when you marry. The strong and silent type will drive you crazy because you won't be able to communicate, for example...
But Your Man?
A whole different type of crazy.
He took you out of your own country, on a "vacation", ISOLATED you, and then abandoned you. I wouldn't take this lightly. It is controlling behavior in the extreme. It is an attempt to punish you by being emotionally abusive. HUGE red flag. Here's a list that you might want to take a look at. Only YOU know how he has behaved in the past. It's a pretty good predictor of what you can expect in the future.
http://www.familyshelterservice.org/assess.html
If you do intend to stay in this kind of relationship, you should probably get your tubes tied right now. Why? The fact is, there isn't any way to predict how abusive he would be towards children either - but the fact that he doesn't have protective feelings towards you - that's just not a great environment to bring children into, Hun. You should really consider leaving, for your sake and for your future happiness.
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A
male
reader, bojolay +, writes (19 March 2010):
 Allie,
There's no indication in your statement that you love him, or that you want to be with him - or that he loves you. Maybe you didn't think that issue was germaine, but it seems like there would be some mention of it if either of you really cared. Right? So, if you are in a relationship for 6 years and you're just going through the motions then maybe a break up would be wise.
This is your decision, obviously. Go look in the mirror and ask yourself if you really want to spend the rest of your life with that man. If you can't answer then think about it and ask again later in the week. I dont' know what the answer will be, but I believe that what you do after answering will be even more difficult.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 March 2010):
If he is controlling, it won't get better. It will get worse. And there are other things as well. This is a man who obviously has problems with control and may have narcissistic tendencies. If he was willing to desert you in a foreign country over a small argument, that's enough to make me say that there is a problem with him. As there are other issues as well, I would say don't marry him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 March 2010):
 When he does show up are you the one to apologize? I'm betting you are.
He knows your weaknesses and takes full advantage of them. He knows you would be upset with him leaving more then with the actual argument.
Leaving you sitting, is his was of punishing you for having an opinion of your own.
Sorry I would not marry this man, not continue the relationship.
Look up narcissistic tendencies.. He seems to have some.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (18 March 2010):
 Dump Dump Dump.
No,its not the sound of a trompet.
I'm actually saying DUMP this guy.
He's making you miserable.You try too much and he doesn't try hard enough.
Don't give more tha you receive.
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