A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:She'd been to a party and came home really drunk and she grabbed me and started kissing me. She then said I was her baby brother and that she should show me how to fun with a girl. She then tried to pull my shirt off and I had to wrestle with her to stop and she kept saying how she'd be better than my ex as she truly loved me. Eventually she passed out but I feel awkward and a bit grossed out. What should I say to her.She's 23 and I'm 19 and I don't want to involve our parents because I don't know how I'd tell them and it might damage our family
View related questions:
drunk, kissing, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (19 March 2010):
 I do not accept the idea that she needs to be forgiven because she was drunk.
If she is responsible enough to drink at all, she is responsible for her actions when she is drunk.
Like I said, if the genders were reversed, and it was a drunk brother going after his sober younger sister, there would be more of an uproar.
-Frank
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): People do so many crazy things when they're intoxicated, and she's just had one of those moments. I don't believe she feels that way at all about you when she's sober, but she was just so far gone that she didn't have much control over her actions. That's the same lack of control that causes us to stumble and fall over and eventually blackout when we get drunk enough. When you drink enough, your mind can give out before your body, which is what happened here. Don't look at her differently, and forget it happened because she didn't mean what she said. I wouldn't bother telling your parents anything, as it will only embarrass her for nothing. If she ever comes on to you while she's only mildly drunk or completely sober, then it's something worth wondering how serious she was. It was meaningless because of how drunk she was, so you would just be embarrassing her for nothing by discussing anything about it with her, or by telling your parents. Let it go and maybe she'll have mercy on you one day when you get just as drunk and possibly do or say something just as awkward.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): The consensus is clear.
You need to sit down and talk it over with her. It will be uncomfortable, but it needs to be done.
Alcohol is not an excuse for her behaviour. It doesn't create desires or feelings. It simply relaxes our self-control so that it is easier to give in to those things we feel already.
For some, this means they like to dance and sleep with random strangers. Others get violent because those urges are not controlled in an intoxicated stae.
That she went as far as she did indicates that this is not a new desire on her part. That this is something that has been brewing in her. Or it could just be a symptom of something far worse going on inside her head.
Either way. Talk it out and get her some help if needed. It kight be she feels close to you and as both of you grow older she feels she might lose that. And its not hard to see why in a drunken state she might formulate that sex is a viable way of not losing that closeness...
Its wrong. Obviously. But siblings don't usually just try and make a pass at each other without something being seriously wrong somewhere in their lives.
Flynn 24
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): I think brother/sister sex is illegal incest.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): She knows what she did. She wasn't so drunk that she had a blackout. She was offering to take your virginity, no questions, and no expectation that you'd have to work to make it good for her. If you're a frustrated virgin then it's an open offer. Ya, there's lots of complications. But maybe it's worth thinking about.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): I agree that she needs to know a little about how she acted just to warn her of what she might be doing when she is drunk. It's probably better if you don't tell her she tried to screw you as blatantly as she did. I'm not saying lie to her, I'm saying just try to keep the gory details out during the first telling of the incident. Your explanation probably needs to be handled with a lot of care just so she won't refuse to believe it entirely. Maybe start by just telling her she was hugging and saying seductive things to you (and clearly not joking). It would get the message across that she was trying to do something that she would never have done sober, and that's the part she needs to know the most.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): You're both adults, so there's no reason to involve your parents. You're siblings, and will be for the rest of your lives. So the bottom line is that you have to resolve the situation so that you can both face each other for the rest of your lives. I suspect that means talk -- get together in privacy and have it out.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): listen to CG. he is right. don't tell anyone. let it go. you are a commendable young man.
...............................
A
female
reader, ToRii123 +, writes (19 March 2010):
 ..woa. thats insane, but u gotta remember when people drink sometimes they dont know what there doing or saying, u should talk to someone u really trust an maybe tell her basically what happened, im guessing she doesnt remember.. when people drink like over there limit they do stupid stuff an say a bunch of shit that they dont even mean.. if she only parties once in awhile thats okai but if its a constant habit maybe try to help her cut down, it helps to have someone who cares about u by ur side, but if its just once in awhile i dont think its that big of a deal but just talk to her about it best u can do =) hope it works out3 PCE!!..
...............................
A
female
reader, Lite +, writes (19 March 2010):
 Awe sweet heart, i feel sorry for you. Which your sister is 2 years passed of the legal drinking age. There are alot of questions for you to answer for us or anyone to read this post to answer. Has she always drank, was she in a relationship that just ended, how is your relationship? tell us more so we can help. If anything, i believe you would just be normal to feel weird about this. But, for your sisters justice, there are some things called blackouts that she wont remeber a thing. Just explain so we can help you.
- Lite
...............................
A
male
reader, bojolay +, writes (19 March 2010):
 This is just a suggestion. You might also consider getting professional psychological counselling with your sister from a family therapist. I entered counselling with my family when I was about your age and although it was very challenging it turned out to be very fruitful in the end. I strongly encourage you in that direction. Plus, you might be able to assist your sister. She may need help. As for not telling your parents, consider this. Tell your parents that you want to see a family counsellor - by yourself. Then tell the counsellor what happened. Then you can let the counsellor deal with the parents, or your sister.
As an extra added bonus, you can use the insight gained with your counsellor when you encounter other drunk women in your life. You'll be surprised what crazy things women do when they are drunk.
Don't cover up a problem. It may get much worse.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (19 March 2010):
 Your 19, she's older, she needs to watch her drinking and behaviour around you. Just tell her what happened when she was drunk. Don't tell her you was disgusted or anything, just tell her the bare facts. She needs to know how she behaves when she drinks too much. She will either laugh it off, or she'll be very embarrassed with herself. Either way, I think that she should know.
...............................
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (19 March 2010):
I wonder what advice people would give if they reversed the genders in the story...this was a sexual assault, but no one sees it until the genders are reversed.
I think you need to set some boundaries.
You do need to tell your sister that you did not approve, and refuse to accommodate how she treats you when she is drunk. Do you need to get into the specifics? No. At least not yet. I assume you all still live together, and assuming this is an isolated incident, I would simply tell her that she got violent with you (sexual assault is a form of violence) and that you need to set your boundaries in place with her. Drinking to the point of that kind of intoxication, if part of a repeating behavior pattern, is likely more akin to an addiction. She needs help, and so do you to set boundaries with her.
The reason I suggest not to admit the whole truth just yet, is that you are a male, and she is a female, and to protect her own reputation she might accuse you of having tried to sexually assault her. You need to move out of that home (go away for school) or something of that nature. If this behavior of hers is part of a repeating behavior pattern, you need to take actions to get yourself out of that house before the next incident, where she may attack you again, and in protecting yourself you set yourself up for her to accuse you of violence.
The law does not favor men in these cases.
I know this is not going to be comforting to you, but sexual acts (consenting and those of non consensual violence) do occur between siblings, and you are not alone in this. What matters right now is how you handle it, and react to it.
Finally, if this assault makes it difficult for you to move on with your life, then you need to consider profession therapy (if your discomfort with it carries it that far). In the meanwhile, see what options you have open to you to move out.
-Frank
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 March 2010):
Truly, say nothing. But clearly never be around her when she's drunk again. And if it does happen again, tell her. But this time around, say nothing and let it go.
...............................
|
