A
female
age
41-50,
*rained
writes:I really need you help here.....please be patient with me as this is very confusing to explain..here a bit of background.. my husband of 7 years constantly brings up my past, he doesn t believe what I have told him is the truth and thinks I have watered things down etc which I haven't. I could have to make my past 'cleaner' but I chose to tell him the truth. Many years ago he has asked me how many ppl I have kissed in my college days... i replied with 3 or 4 at that moment, then having thought about it (going through 13 years previously in my memory) I counted 3 - the exact number. he asked y did I say 'or 4' - i cannot remember what exactly whatI said then but it was somewhere along the lines of 'cos you wanted an answer straight away and at the time flickering through my memory i recalled maybe 3 or 4. He has always asked me this question and I hav told him its 3. Today he calls home and after the usual talk he asked me the same q, and y I said 'or 4'.... he said that the reason that I gave him many years ago was cos ' i was drunk and couldn t remember so I had to ask my friends whether I did or not.' I really cannot remember saying this to him but he's adamant I did. I said maybe I did, then he said y did i say that for then if it wasn t true and it didn t happen? I said that I had to explain to him why I said 'or 4' so I made up a cover story for that - he doesn t believe any of it and said how did I come up with a story so quick... (good point from his point of view) I said I don t know cos I really don t know..... he now thinks I am lying about everything else which I can understand, but I am not.... more to the point.... how can I explain to him there were no 4th and why I had to make a story up..... i really don' t know why.... from his eyes now, I have lied all these years, which in a way I have... please tell me what explainations I can give him... I can feel that he is very angry to the point that he wants a divorce unless I can give him a very good reason.....
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female
reader, lysha +, writes (29 May 2011):
 tell him exactly what you have just told us, or get someone proffesional in, explain to him that this is dragging you down xx
A
female
reader, drained +, writes (29 May 2011):
drained is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for ur time reading and replying. this is not the q that has come up during the past 7 years... every single thing which i have told him about my past comes up as often as twice a month and ends up in an argument. Basically he thinks i have lied about my past from the start and its worst than it is. during these 7 years he asks me the same questions over and over again...... and insists that i said things when i didn t. i have searched on the net and found my answer to y he is like this..... 'circular conversation' - its a personality disorder, its when a person goes round in circles over time, maybe months or years and continuously demands answers from the partner when asking the same old questions all the time... why cos he feels and 'thinks' he know his answer so his answer must be correct. no matter what the partner answer with, it will never be good enough or correct if it is different to his.... hope i have explained it correctly.. now i know this..... do i tell my husband about this and how cos he might think that i think he is 'crazy'..... which i don t. what i understand is that this behaviour is not normal and i want to help him cos it will help me too.....
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 May 2011):
I think he wants the divorce. To be suddenly obsessing over something like this is very, very odd. Perhaps he's having an affair and is trying to make you look like bad person or something.
Serve him with papers, and on them cite his unreasonable behaviour.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): Your husband doesn’t really think you’re lying. He just wants you to think he does because of the special treatment it gives him. Instead of holding him accountable for his bad behaviour, you’re tripping over yourself trying to appease him.If you had given '3' as a definite answer from the start his response would have been 'Most people would not have remembered the exact number but you did. Why? What was so special about those encounters that you remembered them so clearly? What are you not telling me?’Your husband doesn’t think he measures up and he can’t be bothered to make the effort to improve himself. He is afraid that you might have something better to compare him to so he’s punishing you for it. And he wants you to think you’ve wronged him to guilt you into putting up with him. He wants YOU to be scared so he doesn’t have to be. Your husband hasn’t made any ‘good points’ and nothing he has said or done here has been reasonable. All this scrambling around you’re doing trying to prove your innocence is just making you look more guilty. So stop doing it. You’ve answered his question and if he continues to badger you inform him he’ll be sleeping on the couch. Stop reassuring him. If he threatens or implies divorce tell him that might be for the best. Call his bluff.Build confidence in yourself and fortify your position. You have far more power than you realise. You don’t have to get a divorce, but find out exactly what your rights are ahead of time in case it does come to that. He has more to lose than you do and he knows it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): This is just plain too much! Heck....I wouldn't be able to remember if I kissed 7 or 17 because it just DOESN'T MATTER. In any event, he is horribly insecure and obsessed with what is now in the distant past. Explain to him that it is impossible to build a future with someone who continually lives in the past and his interrogation tactics are making you feel concerned and conflicted. Ask him if this is truly something he thinks is worth getting divorced over. (Believe me there are much bigger fish to fry!) I think some counseling is in order because this is NOT normal behavior.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (29 May 2011):
 He's more trouble than he's worth and it doesn't sound like he will let this go anytime soon. Either you have a very stern talk about it with him or you divorce him, its not healthy to be in this relationship.I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): Why is he suddenly obsessing about this? Maybe ask him that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): He's not being reasonable. I deal with plenty of retroactive jealousy feelings myself and I won't excuse the way he is acting.
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A
female
reader, kylieekristina  +, writes (29 May 2011):
 Wow!! I'm shocked...I'm wondering if its because we are from different countries that this sounds absolutely childish on his part. If you have been married for 7 years I'm sure you have been through many ups and downs....which you obviously handled wonderfully in his eyes because he's not upset about anything except for what you said years and years ago, and why does it matter? At the end of the day you said I DO to only one man.....your husband, none of the 3 or 4 or 100 men you knew or kissed in college. He's the one you come home to, sleep next to, make love to, probally cook and clean for, maybe had his children, deal with his quirks, bad habits, maybe help him through tough times.....My point is a marrige is work, and if he is willing to give you up over something so trivial, well he's either a complete inmature jerk, or he's looking for a reason to leave. Has everything else in your relationship been going ok? Are the two of you still intimate? Something is going on with him, but i really doubt its what he is whining about. And I've almost ALWAYS found that when a man is accusing you of something and/or trying to get you to admit to something it is only because he himself is guilty of the crime....NOT YOU. Good luck sweetheart , and if he does leave and only give you this trivial reason....then better now than later over some other dumb reason when your older with more aging and less energy to find someone that trusts you no matter what.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 May 2011):
 Give him the divorce. I don't know how you can stand 7 years of being interrogated. There is nothing to explain about. It was from years ago and you moved on. When you have to answer something which isn't his business to know, and then make up stuff to sound honest, and then explain why you made up stuff, you know he is obsessed, insecure and controlling.
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A
female
reader, lysha +, writes (29 May 2011):
hun, i feel so sorry for you, if you dont mine me saying, but your husband needs to get his head out from up his ass, this isnt fair on you!its a natural reaction to say what you did with the 'or' added in, what did he expect? for you to stand their and go back years just to count to keep him happy?i really dont understand why he is so hecked up about this, is nothing major, at the end of the day its just a kiss with past relationships, youve been with him for seven years so why would he care?why would you lie about that anyway?i would understand if he asked you how many people you had slept with and you said 3 or 4 because infact there was double the amount of that, but he has asked about a kiss, sit him down and just say you want a nice chilled conversation about the matter and ask him why it bothers him so much, maybe its because he kissed alot and so he thinks its impossible to kiss that few? i really dont know, but he needs to know if he is going to let a marriage go to waste over this, then he isnt worth the time, i hope things look up for you, x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2011): How many do you remember? Tell him that number. If you are unsure, tell him you are unsure and WHY you are unsure. To be honest, he should have dropped this by now, but I think your lying has him so suspicious that he can't let it go. So don't lie. Tell him the truth and if he has a problem with that then he's not the man for you anyway. That sounds flippant when talking about a marriage, but it's just as ridiculous that he'd leave you over this.
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A
female
reader, muso888 +, writes (28 May 2011):
Really, your husband's question is ridiculous. For a start, whether or not you kissed 3 or 4 men in college doesn't affect your relationship at all. It is, really, none of his business. You were kind enough to share the information with him, and now he is using it to cause problems between you. This is not a case of you possibly cheating on him, this must be going much further into his own insecurities. He is also calling you a liar, when in actual fact you did no such thing, in fact you added the 'or 4' to make sure you WEREN'T lying. This number does not affect your actual relationship in any way! Its not a lie about him, or anything meaningful. It's not even a lie. My advice is to tell him to stop this nonsense right now. It's ridiculous to threaten divorce over something so trivial and so unrelated to him or your relationship. Please see how stupid he is being and stand up for yourself. The more you pander to this insane insecurity, the more he will (a) think that he is in the right and (b) be able to use it against you. I understand that you don't want to lose him and that you are kindly observing his hurt, but aren't you insulted? That he doesn't believe what you say and is making SUCH a big deal out of a slight slip of memory/tongue that he would call an end to your whole marriage?Good luck, I really hope you are able to make him see sense!
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