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*mone2
writes:my husband and I have been together for 16 years. I have no family of my own, but he comes from a large family. His family is now back east and my children are here in the pacific northwest. Hes always disliked my kids, so its hard when he says things that are horrible. But lately, he seems so bi-polar. One moment nice next jumping down our 13 yr. old throat or mine. He calls us names. His family doesn't like me. He moved me out of our bedroom 2 years ago,(said I snored too loud) he quit saying he loved me 3 yrs. ago, he never hugs or anything remotely close to affection. Our love life quit almost right after he moved me out of his room. He wants to be the ruler of the house over all of us. Doesn't matter what I feel or say, he says I'm dumb and we have to listen to him because hes ALWAYS right, never makes mistakes. So now that I've given some back ground. His father passed and the money was used for a new manufactured home. He never lets me forget this is him home, his things. Before buying this I owned a trailer and him and my kids all lived there, but when we moved he got rid of all my things (furniture things like that). I have stayed because of our daughter and really I feel like we are roomates more than husband and wife. getting to the question soon: he wrote me a really bad letter that I got when I woke up yesterday. He said we (I guess he thinks hes taking our daughter) was moving by next yr. to be closer to his mom and sister in GA. he said I need to make up my mind if I was going or not, and said he wanted me to go be a wife and mother to our daughter, but if I didn't want to go then I need to get gone NOW. He also said this was a zero tolerance zone now as far as my older childern now. What do people think when they read this? Should I go until his mom passes? He says I get nothing other than my clothing and some personal things. Nothing else. My kids all seem to think I should go, yet they see the way he treats me. I not in love anymore, and the only reason I'm thinking about it is because of our daughter.Would like to see what others think...
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reader, smone2 +, writes (3 September 2009):
smone2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just learned that his family is buying him and our daughter plane tickets to go for a 2 week visit. My daughter says she doesn't want to live with him, but he thinks he is just taking her. I don't have any money just to go get an attorney, but gonna look up today on internet and see if I can get a temporay order for custody. That way he can't leave the state with her. I've done well staying out of his way and not talking to him at all. I want to stay in this house for as long as I can, he thinks he can kick me out with only the clothes on my back. Has anyone else here ever just stayed there ground and stayed in familly home till divorce and has anyone ever gotten a temporary of custody and stayed in the home? Any help at all is very much appreciated.
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female
reader, smone2 +, writes (30 August 2009):
smone2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your input. I already know this is abuse its hard to understand why my daughter wants to continue this life with him. NO, I'm not going anywhere, and now I just have to figure out the money part of it all. The house is in his mom's name so I have no clue yet as to how this will work I will get an attorney and figure it out. My older kids just think I should go because when his mother passes there will be alot of money. But they don't understand that I'm just not that material type of person.When I posted this I just had to bounce it off someone, as I have no friends anymore. So I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for listening to my drama. But on the other hand to walk away with just a bag of clothes will not do. I'm to old to start over again without nothing but the clothes on my back. Right now, I'm waiting my time and staying out of his way. I know I will be getting a temporary order of custody just in case he has any plans of just taking my daughter. So when the time comes to serve that I know all heck will break loose.OK, bless U all and ty ty ty for all your kind words and advice!
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female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (30 August 2009):
 Neither or you or your daughter should be with him. Do whatever you have to do to make sure that neither you nor she ends up with him. 'Nuf said.
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (29 August 2009):
 Hire a divorce lawyer. And kick him out. That's it.
You should not have to live a lonely existence in your own marriage. If he dislikes your children then he is a toxic influence on everyone including you.
If he wants to rule a kingdom, he can do it out East and you can remain happy with the kids in the Pacific Northwest.
You say you're not in love with him anymore. That says it right there.
There isn't much else to say. The divorce lawyer will make sure you get what you're entitled to. I don't know what jurisdiction you are in but I bet that a judge would consider his use of emotional trashings in dividing up the equities of your marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2009): For your own sake let alone your children I hope against hope you have no intention of moving with this man. It is important that you remain calm at this time and I would go as far as to say agree with a lot of what he asks of you just to keep him quiet even if it is a lie - whilst inside you have no intention of bending to his dictatorship and you can make your own plans. By becoming passive he will have no claim and you can get the mental space you need to get advice and get out on your own terms. I could write and write so much in my post about how this man is abusing you but, for the second time on this site, I am recommending wholeheartedly a book I have just read which I know will open your eyes to the way this man is to you and you will be in no doubt as to your next steps. The book is called "Why does he do that? In the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft. Written by a man in the US who runs groups he sheds light on how men try all the pressure tactics to control women and it includes a useful section on their parenting methods. Please get this book. Definitely get legal advice - knowledge will boost your own confidence and he has no rights over you. If he gets abusive further you surely have the option to get an injunction. He must not break you down.
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reader, bouncer  +, writes (29 August 2009):
You and your daughter must leave this man as soon as you can. This man sounds like a MONSTER and he will only destroy your lives. You owe it to yourself and your daughter to be happy and you never will with this man. Good luck for the future.
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female
reader, Rosy  +, writes (29 August 2009):
Y do your older children want you to move with him? He mistreats you so I understand that logic. I wouldn't want my own mother to be abused in that way! But I think you should let him go, and you move away with your daughter wherever you want to go. Get another trailer, move anywhere away from him.
Good luck.:)
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