A
female
age
36-40,
*hoawhoawhoa
writes:I have had an ongoing saga with my ex for almost a year now. He broke up with me and was with someone else, all the while calling me to tell me he cared about me, missed me and was confused. They broke and he came into town and wanted to see me and against nay-saying of his family (who have told him to leave me alone bc all he is going to do is hurt me) I'm a good girl and have known the family for years. He called me. We saw each other, he told me how much he missed me, and then he literally ignored me afterwards. I wrote him a letter saying i was mad at him and don't understand why he did that. He asked if he could call and we could talk and I told him no. and then ignored him for 3 months. I then caved and we talked off and on for the past 3 months, to which he said he wanted to see me when he came back into town. Well, he was here and I sent him a text and then he just ignored me again. What do I do at this point? Is he going to try again? Do I write him another email to be like "what the heck?" This thing is just so exhausting. I get the feeling that i'm what he wants to be with eventually, just not right now (I'm 27 and he's 24). I dunno, is he just keeping me on the hook?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (13 June 2012):
 This time it will be different. All you have to do is to keep remembering there is no future with this man, and whenever you are tempted to phone him, just say to yourself "no, I'm not going to do that." If you do this long enough it will become a firm, unbreakable habit - and you may have met someone much more suitable in the meantime, LOL!
A
female
reader, whoawhoawhoa +, writes (11 June 2012):
whoawhoawhoa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for all of your help. I've decided not to contact him and have gone ahead and blocked him on all lines of communication- phone, email, and FB. I just hope I can stick to it. I've tried before but I always somehow cave.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 June 2012):
 Take back your power. You are waiting for him to decide what he wants. He's decided. It's not you. I'm sorry.
If you take back your power, decide for yourself what you will tolerate, and then apply your standards to the situation. I'd cut him off for the time being. You feel exhausted because you are waiting for something, hoping so badly for something that will not happen.
Okay, you say, it MAY happen in the future. Well, that may be. You don't live in the future, however, you live in the NOW. And right now, right at this moment, this day, this week, he is not your boyfriend, nor is he particularly good for you.
So at this moment in time, choose to say 'buh-bye' to him. I think you will feel a great sense of relief once you make yourself responsible for your own happiness and future. Take that responsibility back from him, okay?
Wishful thinking gets you nothing but wasted time. Be brave.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 June 2012):
 A bit :)
He knows what he's getting and what's he is losing, and if he could not afford to lose it,... he would have taken it already , make no mistakes :).
A half-yes is basically always a no.
You CAN move on any time you want , you just have to decide it. And, I understand that you fear you will be weak if faced by temptation, but there is a simple way to avoid that, i.e. make sure he can't contact you.
It shows that you are afraid, terrorized in fact, to give up this glimmer of hope that he will come around. But, what are the odds of that really happening ? Scant.
" Eventually " is a long time, for a man of 24 . It may mean 5, 10 years... Do you really want to let him string you along for ages, waiting for the "aha" moment when he'll realize you are " the one " ?
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A
female
reader, whoawhoawhoa +, writes (11 June 2012):
whoawhoawhoa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I just figured it'd be easier for him to flat out tell me he doesn't want to be with me so that I can sorta feel like I can move on. I feel like if I don't take any type of stand that I'll just hear from him in the next 3 months and it'll just be hard for me to say no to him again. I kinda want to make him relaize what he's going to lose and that it'll just be a done deal at that point. Is that dumb?
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (11 June 2012):
 I also agree with SaraB. Everytime you try to make him yours, it will kill a little part of you. You sink lower everytime you do it. We know it is hard, but it is just a part of life.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (11 June 2012):
When people like each other they come together. They do not play hard to get, go out partying all the time, stop calling, play hot and cold, etc. If someone likes you, he will make moves and say things that communicate he wants to see you, talk to you, and/or be with you. That is all we are saying here. Don't get confused when he ignores you because he is sending you a message. You may not like the message, but don't kill yourself trying to analyze and get a guy who might not care.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 June 2012):
He is sooo keeping you on the hook, that he should open a butcher's shop.
Do you think he'll want to be with you eventually ? eventually when, 3 years, 5 years, 10 years ?.... Are you going to waste YEARS of your life for something that may very well never materialize.
If " eventually " he'll want to be with you, he can come come back " eventually " and try his luck- in case you are not already married with children , as you will probably be, but hey tough luck for him.
Life is NOW, live it now, not eventually.
And don't write to him ! You'll only make a fool out of yourself. Actions speak louder than words, if you DO decide that you want to be left alone, you don't need to make any public announcement- just ignore him / block him.
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A
female
reader, whoawhoawhoa +, writes (11 June 2012):
whoawhoawhoa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would want to write either to tell him enough and to leave me alone. I care about him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 June 2012):
 The smart thing to do.... the thing that will AVOID you having "brain hurt"... is to IGNORE this guy......
What would make you want to write to him??????
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A
female
reader, whoawhoawhoa +, writes (11 June 2012):
whoawhoawhoa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your input. It's just really confusing. Like, he's sort of a party boy and I think like, he is testing the waters to see if there's anything out there better than me, but that also the idea of me scares him because I am a good catch and I don't think he's ready to settle down yet. I'm not sure if I should just ignore him or actually send him something firm that's like, unless you want something serious leave me alone type deal. I'm not going to lie, I love him and am definitely scared he'll walk away for good. It's really hard. And yes I shouldn't have to convince someone to be with me, but it's hard when you care about someone, that's why I'm not quite sure if I should even write a letter.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2012): "I get the feeling that i'm what he wants to be with eventually, just not right now (I'm 27 and he's 24). I dunno, is he just keeping me on the hook?"
If he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you NOW, not "eventually." He's not keeping you on the hook, he's keeping you in reserve as Aunts Denise and Sara have pointed out.
Sorry, but sounds like he just wants to keep you around for casual no-strings pit-stop sex at his convenience without obligation or commitment, and he's assuming you are dumb, naive, shallow and/or vain enough to continue to let him get away with it indefinitely.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (10 June 2012):
His hot and cold nature borders on emotional abuse. If a man really likes you and wants to be with you, he wouldn't be playing games with you like this. Sounds like he is definitely confused, but he needs to work out his confusion elsewhere. I would tell him you do not want anything to do with him unless he is looking for a serious committed relationship. If he is looking for anything less than that, tell him to stop calling and texting. If he does, tell him you won't answer then stick to your word. You deserve someone better than this who won't jerk you around.
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A
female
reader, SaraB  +, writes (10 June 2012):
It sounds as though you are his "reserve". Ignore him, go cold turkey and don't try to mend him. You can't. Move on. Sorry to be so abrupt but I remember doing the same thing and it kills a little part of you every time it doesn't work HUG
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (10 June 2012):
By my count, that makes it three times altogether that he has messed around with you, first he goes off with someone else but keeps calling and texting to say how much he misses you - if he missed you that much why did he keep seeing the other woman? Not to mention the other times when he said he wanted to see you, and did, but repeatedly ignored you afterwards.
I don't know why you think he eventually wants you, even if "not just now."
Sounds as if he's either keeping you dangling or "in reserve" in case someone "better" doesn't come along. OR he really doesn't know what he wants.
It's giving you a whole of grief - maybe you should say ENOUGH! NO MORE! and move on with your life.
It also sounds like his family knows him very well if they told him to leave you alone.......
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