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*skEve
writes:Hi Everyone,AskEve here. I just wanted to let everyone know I lost my wonderful partner 2 days ago so won't be on for a bit. He was over in Switzerland on business when he passed away. (I wasn't even with him...) I loved him terribly and now have to give advice to MYSELF on how to try and cope. I am devastated. How does one cope???My apologies to anyone who emails me in the meantime if I don't get back to them.Eve........ Reply to this Question
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female
reader, nat22 +, writes (2 July 2007):
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. At the beginning of the year i lost my mum suddenely that was a huge sock, i can understand some of what your going through. she was only 50 and very happy she wasn't ill which makes it worse. I hope your feeling a little better soon, it does get eaiser.
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reader, YummyMummy +, writes (27 June 2007):
 Hey hunni,
I've not spoken to you yet but have read a lot of your posts on here. I am so sorry to hear of your loss.
I've never lost a partner but I lost my best friend in 2005 and another friend was killed in the bombings in London. I could handle my friend that was killed in the bombings because my best mate was there, but when he was stabbed I lost the plot. I didn't want to live. My partner had no idea what to do with me and left me to it.
I thought the whole world had ended and nothing would ever be the same. The only thing I think helped me was time. I still wake up and miss him, and my insides feel like they are dying. The slightest thing or smell reminds me of him and it breaks my heart he's gone.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all ok for you, but life isn't like that. All you can do is give yourself time, whether it be months or years, just have time. And remember to live. That was so hard to do after I lost Jase. I didn't want to live. Life was over in my eyes. Even if it's just getting out of bed , having a shower, eating and going back to bed.
I found having people around me helped a lot aswell. Not all the time but every other day. My mum was a huge help and my partner once he stopped backing away from me. I had forgotten he was grieving aswell.
If crying until you are sick and not getting dressed is the way for you to cope than do it. Don't feel you have to smile for anyone. Smile when you are ready to. You don't have to rush the grieving process.
All the best hunni. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Love
Gems xxxxxx
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reader, Pork Hock  +, writes (16 June 2007):
Hi, I've written to you before. I went to see a medium after great consideration as I didn't partake in anything like that before. However, I went because I needed to feel peace. I wanted to know where my Mum was, if she was ok and wasn't suffering anymore.
I was incredibly surprised and shocked by what I went through. I went to see this woman at her home who asked nothing of me. The session started off in the usual way. She was sensing someone called Mary etc etc and I thought great, who doesn't know a Mary? So I sat there thinking great what a waste of time and she then kept saying there is someone dressed in black and white and they (not she) is holding a rosary in her hand...she asked me whether I was catholic etc, which we aren't. At that point I was rolling my eyes and thinking 'bloody brilliant' what a quack. She then said, this person is adamant to talk to you. She keeps talking over the top of me all the time and won't let me relay the messages to you. At this point I was well really what does it matter.
Then she said to me, you have a white stallion (horse) standing next to you and the message is to tell Georgie she is sorry for taking her horse away from her. That is when I froze. Georgie is my Mum and Dad's God-daughter and her horse had died after falling in their field and had had to be put down. She said she had taken the horse to take care of me and it was always at my right hand side and I had to keep climbing back on its back however many times I got thrown off. I literally froze. The woman also said that this person wanted to tell me she was cancer free but she hadn't made it to heaven yet because she had to do some work for her girls (her daughters). But that she was happy and that she was taller than she had been in the physical world because she was so proud of us (my Mum was 5ft).
I did honestly come away feeling like a weight had been lifted from me and at peace that she was still with me even though she hadn't quite completed her journey. I still don't believe in psychics and horoscopes but that message has kept me focused and alive. Everyday I try to be someone she would be proud of and to complete many days that she never had...so do that for your husband.
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reader, AskEve +, writes (16 June 2007):
AskEve is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for your kind words Karen. He WAS a very clever man and made a big difference to this world. He appeared on TV and radio many times and wrote a book too. Feel free to have a look at it.
http://www.fictionsoffreedom.com/
I am soooo proud of him.
Eve
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2007): Dear Eve,
You are my rock as you are for so many others here....I am so very sorry for your loss, and wish I had known of it earlier so I could have given you my condolences....
I think the thing that would help me the most if I were in your shoes, would be to remember him and the contribution that he made in this world and how he made a profound difference to so many other's lives through his work and by just being himself... I think he must have been an angel on earth, and he would want you to carry on with life and live it to the fullest as you had done with him.
I think you can honor his life in this way by knowing this to be true and carrying on and celebrating every day for the time you had with him.
You seem so strong and I wish I was half as strong as you are, but if you ever need to talk to me about anything at all, I am here, too. Take, care, talk to you soon, Karen
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reader, lisarocksyoursocksoff +, writes (10 June 2007):
 i haven't spoken to you in the past, but it's obvious how helpful you've been to others.
i'm so sorry for your loss and i hope/am sure that you and your children find great comfort in each other
xxxxxx
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reader, AskEve +, writes (9 June 2007):
AskEve is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the kind words LJD. What happens after death is so uncertain though. Do they move on to another plane or dimension? Is there such a thing as heaven where they can look down on us? Does their spirit or lifeforce "go out" and their thoughts perish after death? No one really knows for sure. So... even if I were to die, would I join him or would my thoughts just perish after death too? Like I said no one knows for sure. For the loved ones that remain I know it's nice to think that they can see you or are looking down on you etc etc and if that is a comfort then great, who am I to say any different?
The way I see it death is the ending of THIS life and I am happy that he had a wonderful life so I celebrate that fact. Where he is now... who knows? If he could come to me in some way and tell me where he is then I know for sure he would lol as we talked about that often. If he DOES let me know, I'll be sure to let everyone know! :o)
Thanks again everyone for their kinds words.
Eve
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reader, leonard j.Douglas  +, writes (9 June 2007):
Dear Eve. Sorry to hear the sad news about your husband. Here is how I coped with the death of my wife. I lived each day one day at a time, and those days were the loneliest days in my whole life. I really didn't want to go on with life alone, even thought of joining her. I am sure that the thought also has crossed your mind to. But that is't what he would want you to do, nor would my wife. He would say to you that you have family and friends,who need you,and he's right. A part of your healing will always be in the giving to others, as that is what your husband would want you to keep on doing.
May God's love see you through these trying days.
Death is not an ending, but a beginning into eternity.
All our love to you from all of us.
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reader, AskEve +, writes (8 June 2007):
AskEve is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for that eyes. Yes, I would agree, time IS a great healer, the pain never goes away, I've never experienced that type of emptiness before but life DOES go on and I am a strong person. I feel so much better than I did a month ago. It's just because it's so final you know? Really I tell myself I'm grieving for myself not for my partner. He's free now, I'm grieving because I will never see him again and that's what hurts. Still, I have my wonderful memories of him and they will always remain....
Eve
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reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (8 June 2007):
 Sorry for your loss Eve. My one greatest fear is losing my husband or one of my children. I have lost both parents and I know that pain. Time DID help dull the pain, it doesn't remove it but I think you will be alright. You have strength I can tell. Again, you have my sympathy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2007): icame across this page when looking on the net,to help me cope with the death of my husband.he commited suicide this year.i try to be strong,but it doesnt work like that.i am determined,at times to go on,other times,i dont want to go on.i know in my heart,i must because of my sons and daughter,i believe,i must learn also to do this for myself.my husband,loved us all,we loved him and had no idea why he did this.he was my other half,we were happily married for nearly 30 years.remember,you are not alone and going mad,and as i was told the wound will heal but leave a scar.i have to learn that i can not have what i want ,my husband back.i know how you feel ,one day at a time.
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reader, AskEve +, writes (28 May 2007):
AskEve is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone who answered. I have never experienced anything like this (death of a loved one) in my life. The upside (if there is such a thing) is that I can draw on this experience to help others who have also lost someone close to them in death. It brings home to you just how precious life is and how it can be snuffed out just like that! (Snaps her fingers). I have wonderful memories and will always have a place for him in my heart but life goes on......
Thanks again for taking the time out to answer.
Eve
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reader, Pork Hock +, writes (22 May 2007):
Sorry everyone time does not heal your pain, you manage it. You never heal from the loss of a loved one whether it was last week or 40 years ago. Stop spitting out the classic four stages of grief from books. You go through so many emotions at all points in your life from that person not being in your life anymore. You never heal you learn to cope with loss, lack of physical prescence and you work out your own management style. Time does not heal ALL wounds. And it is ok to feel something or remember or feel grief many many years on...it is something that people should be dictating it just makes you feel you are even more in a quandry because you are not achieving what everyone is mapping out for you. It is ok to still remember feel loss when you are old and grey. Grief is not a survivor reality TV challenge where you have to hit all the expected posts....it is a very intricate and complicated process, but it is ok to cry, miss them etc but everyday just WANT to be proud of who you are and what the person would admire of you. Re-ignite all the qualities he thought of you and continue on...with how and what he felt of you, his opinion of you and his feelings will never ever change of you and start believing that. It won't happen tomorrow but never feel you have to feel you have to adhere to a process dictated by others, it something you learn to manage and you'll know the necessary tools to apply when the going gets rough sometimes.
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reader, Pork Hock +, writes (21 May 2007):
Please contact me...email me privately. I can help you or at least listen. I have all the time in the world. I am 33 British and living in Canada and I lost my Mum 3 years ago. I can tell you and listen to you. Reading websites isn't the same...I've found books helpful but still not the same as someone in the club. It must be a terrible shock and I am sure you are just completely in a whirl. Email me privately. I CAN help. Trust me.
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reader, AngelofLove +, writes (20 May 2007):
 Dear AskEve
Sorry to hear about your loss, I am really feeling for you.
Time will help you find the way how to cope best you can.
You can use your pain to help others.
Pain is a fact of being and one that permeates all of our lives to some degree.
Since the hurt we feel may be a part of the experiences that have touched us most deeply, we are often loathe to let it go.
It is frequently easier to keep our pain at our sides, where it acts as a shield that shelters us from others and gives us an identity-that of victim-from which we can draw bitter strength.
However, pain's universality can also empower us to use our hurt to help others heal.
Since no pain is any greater or more profound than any other, what you feel can give you the ability to help bring about the recovery of individuals whose hurts are both similar to and vastly different from your own. You can channel your pain into transformative and healing love that aids you in helping individuals on a one-to-one basis and spreading a tide of curative energy throughout the world.
The capacity to heal others evolves naturally within those who are ready to disassociate themselves from their identity as victims.
In fact, the simple decision to put aside the pain we have carried is what grants us the strength to redeem that pain through service. There are many ways to use the hurt you feel to help others. Your pain gives you a unique insight into the minds of people who have experienced trauma and heartache. You can draw from the wellspring of strength that allowed you to emerge on the other side of a painful experience and pass that strength to individuals still suffering from their wounds. You may be able to council individuals in need by showing them the coping methods that have helped you survive or simply by offering sympathy. A kindship can develop that allows you to relate more closely with those you are trying to aid and comfort.
Helping others can be a restorative experience that makes your own heart grow stronger.
In channeling your pain into compassionate service and watching others successfully recover, you may feel a sense of euphoria that leads to increased feelings of self-worth and optimism. Your courageous decision to reach out to others can be the best way to declare to yourself and the world that your pain didn't defeat you, and in fact it helped you heal.
I know you did not get a chance to say goodbye to your loved one. I have found this video called Blessing, please watch it, you can use it to say goodbye. Enter this link on website address.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BkT6-CDIjw
Light and peace
Angel of Love
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2007): I am so sorry for your loss, Eve. I don't really know what to say. My deepest sympathy goes out to you, both families & to those who are close to your husband.
All the best. *Hugs*
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reader, Farris +, writes (19 May 2007):
 Hi Eve, I am so so sorry for your loss. I'm pretty certain any advice you will receive over the next few weeks will seem pretty hopeless, but just remember that things will get better and with time the pain will ease.
Surround yourself with people you love, and share your pain. You will find great strength and support between you. Other than this the only other advice I can think of is just to try your best to carry on, but no one expects anything of you in this hard time.
I send you all my love and best wishes.
Farris. xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2007): Oh my goodness, Eve. What a huge shock for you! I am dearly sorry for your loss, dear. May you gain stength and comfort through the love of family, your friend's, and your children. Hold onto their love. And remember, we are all here for you at dearcupid.org. God bless, hun
Irish xxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2007): Hi Eve, I'm so sorry to hear about that. My thoughts are with you too and the only thing I can say is to just reassure you that with time things come to pass and get easier. You know this already but in our times of crisis we all need to be reassured of that. I hope you have some good friends and family that you can be close with and like similar to what CD said, whatever you are feeling, thinking, or wanting to do is entirely normal for loosing a loved one. My condolences Eve.. :(
Peter
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reader, Rock chick +, writes (19 May 2007):
Look after yourself and do the best for YOU -
best wishes
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reader, cd206 +, writes (19 May 2007):
 Really sorry to hear this. I guess my only advice would be to do what feels right. Grief affects us all differently and we have to deal with the individual stages as they come.
CD
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reader, deejuliet +, writes (19 May 2007):
 I wish I could give you some wise words of wisdom on how to cope with this terrible tragedy, but I dont have any. I am so very very sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts are with you. Please accept my condolances.
dee
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reader, steven 25206542 +, writes (19 May 2007):
 I'm so sorry to hear of your loss as u were one off the people who gave me advice on my problems. I am very sorry for your loss i know my apologes will not really make a difference and i know u must feel terrible. There is nothing u can really do but remember he will always be with u and u will see him again. Not yet i hope. This is just a little bit and i hope u will overcome this devastating event.*Moderator Note: Steven, your comment was edited. Please use proper punctuation and grammar next time. A run-on sentence as one massive paragraph usually gets rejected.*
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