A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Been married to a gorgeous girl for 3 years and we have a 6 month old daughter. I love my wife very much but we have very different sex drives. Mine is high and hers is low. When we don't have sex for a length of time I feel undesirable and I crave reassurance. this has lead to me meeting a gay man to reassure me that I am still attractive. Nothing has ever happened with this man, (I'm 100% straight!) but he would like it to.I admitted all of this to my wife a year ago, as well as calling telephone sex chat lines a couple of times, and our relationship is at breaking point.I know I want to keep my family together and I haven't done anything to jeopardise our relationship since I admitted all of this. I know I've changed but my wife now doesn't trust me at all and I think she wants to break up.What can I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2007): Seek therapy. Both of you.
She has issues and you have issues, and now you have issues together, and I'm not just talking about your biological issue (your child, excuse the puns).
Do your child a favor and seek counseling. I think both of you need to really learn to understand one another if your marriage is going to work. And it seems that neither of you are inclined to really talk and listen to one another.
Get over it, and start talking. And if you can't, find a therapist who will help you two reconnect with one another, or if it is as I suspect, connect for the very first time... ever. Sex isn't necessarily intimacy.
A
female
reader, Keria +, writes (2 May 2007):
Just another thought/comment. This women sounds very sexually repressed to me. She has a 6-month old and is hinting at leaving because of a conversation that happened a year ago. She doesn't want sex... thinks it's dirty, and doesn't want her husband to even be thinking about it. I suspect she is a very selfish type with some deep seated sexual issues.
HE hasn't done anything wrong, and talking to her about it didn't help in the least. Some women are like that. That is why I suggest that sometimes a person is better off finding sexual fulfilment apart from their spouse. The spouse doesn't have to worry about it, and can continue along being a non-sexual person. The other partner can share sexual pleasure with another, without the worries that his family is going to split up.
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A
female
reader, Keria +, writes (2 May 2007):
Trueheartconfused:
Your advice sounds very good for some situations. There are definitely women who have a lower sex drive after having children, and it can be a phase. However, his child is 6 months old, and it was a year ago that he had a little chat with his wife. She would have been about 3 months pregnant. I doubt in this case the low sex drive only just happened. If it had, he, like most men would have attributed it to pregnancy... although that can be a myth too. Many women feel very aroused during pregnancy. It doesn't have to be that way. No, I suspect it's been this was since they got married -- I'm going on a hunch, I admit. But likely he had no idea until they got married that she didn't care for sex. Now he is stuck with this situation the rest of his life. The answer is NOT divorce because he wants to keep the family together, and other than sex, his marriage is fine.
The answer is for her to get counselling as the first step. Maybe waiting a few months would be a good idea, just to eliminate any possible post partum effect. Then if that doesn't help, he needs to seek his sexual fulfilment elsewhere. There is no point in living like a monk just because you love someone and want to keep the family together. Women who hold this doctrine are very very selfish and possesive and do not have the first notion of what true love is.
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A
female
reader, trueheartconfused  +, writes (1 May 2007):
From a woman's point of view I probably know why your wife
is having such low sex drive right now , because you have an infant girl, and the maternal instinct is among one of the stongest emotions any human can experience, this might have something to do with her low sex drive.
But things usually get better as your child grow, her sex drive should be back to what it used to be, as she grows older , you might even notice her sex drive gets higher .
So I would say this is just a phase, she is probably just fully focused on your daughter right now, don't do anything foolish that will hurt your relationship , but do bring this to her attention , if your wife really loves you she will compromise and give you whatever she can, and in the mean time just wait a little while, this is just a phase women go through, it will get better ,pormise.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Merchant +, writes (1 May 2007):
Interesting to note that it is not necessarly this way round. My wife wants sex two or three times a day and I cannot keep up. Nonetheless, in both situations, you need to talk to each other and tell each other what you want. Communication will bond you together not just sex.
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A
female
reader, Keria +, writes (1 May 2007):
You need to talk to her, and she needs to get counselling.
At this point though, the advice I give you might be a little different than what others might. You have obviously tried. Your wife may have girlfriends who reasure her that her low sex drive is normal. But believe me, it doesn't have to be. I can say that many women have huge sex drives! In my experience, some of those with the lowest drives come from fundamentalist christian backgrounds. They are taught on the one hand how beautiful sex is, and how wonderful it is, but they are also subtly taught to become cold and unresponsive. Some of them think the are doing really well if they have sex once every two weeks!
Now, I suggest you have her work on this. Likely the problem does not lie with you. But you do need validation. You do need reasurance. So, if she does not begin to change, there is nothing wrong with seeking you sexual pleasure elsewhere. You can still love her, and still keep your marriage together. But there does come a point where it is totaly unrealistic to expect one partner to suffer and never feel the wonderful pleasure sex can bring. But do remember, this does not mean you no longer love her.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (1 May 2007):
 I understand your feelings. Getting your reassurance from a gay man is interesting though. I guess, in the end, it doesn't matter where it comes from.
Some people will tell you you have to learn to handle her low sex drive by "just getting over it". I tend not to agree. First of all, it depends on how big the difference is in the sex drives. If you want it 5 times a week and she wants it twice, she's probably more in the range of normal. On the other hand, if she wants it once a month, then it's her problem.
I firmly believe, sex is mostly enjoyable. This of course is under the assumption the relationship is solid. So, I maintain, if the relationship is solid, it should be easier for the person with the lower sex drive to "get into the act" more often. After all, it's not like getting stuck in the eye with a hot poker. It's supposed to be fun and pleasurable. Personally, I can't understand why the person with the low sex drive tends to fight the advances by their spouse. What makes it particularly troublesome, is when relationships begin, the person with the low drive quite often has sex more often because they're in the courting stage. This sets up a false version of reality for the other partner. After the relationship matures, the person with the higher sex drive is left wandering what happened.
Talk to her. Tell her your feelings. She is probably concerned that you went to another man for attention. That is not common. She has to understand though, what your needs are. You have to make sure your needs are realistic.
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A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx +, writes (1 May 2007):
 I understand how you feel when she doesn't want to be intimate but you must understand how all this is making her feel. Sex is an important part of any relationship but it's not the 'be all, end all'. You need to make her feel special in other ways and maybe she'll want sex with you more often. She must be feeling awful about all this, like she's let you down, failed you, not satisfied you etc.
You need to work on this: it can be saved as long as she knows everyhing, you can start to move forward if you both want to. You two need to have more contact so each of you is getting what you need from the relationship so neither of you feel pressured into doing something you don't want to or straying to get what you want. Only you two know how this can work, so experiment, you'll be surprised how much her sex drive may increase if she feels attractive and special.
You need to get yourself under control. I know what it's like to have a high sex drive and your partner have a low one but if you love them, you take them as they are. If she doesn't want it, you still love her and shouldn't be running off seeing other people. You have insecurity issues and this constant need for reassurance is not good for you and will end up ruining all your relationships. Maybe get some counselling to find out why you constantly need this.
Be understanding, lot's of people have low sex drives and you need to stop this messing around and be there for her. She could be depressed or feeling low about her appearance or have something on her mind. Be there when she needs you and not just so you can get your leg over.
Good luck, hope things work out.
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