A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Two years ago my husband had an affair and ended it. The affair lasted about eight months. I didn't know about the affair, but I was suspicious about his whereabouts during that period. Against my better intuition, I chose to trust my husband at the time, as that is the foundation a marriage is based on. The only reason I found out about the affair was because the husband of the woman he cheated on my with started stalking me in an attempt to get even with my husband. It was a trying time for my entire family and instead of running away from the problem, we choose to seek counseling. Counseling only lasted for a few months and we moved on with our marriage, both in better places in our relationship than we were in the past. There is no doubt that we love each other. Love has never been in question. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life without this man despite this mistake he made. However, I still have issues with forgiveness and betrayal. The though of him being with another woman and lying to me for so long has left a scar in my heart I have trouble repairing.He regrets what he did, he has made many efforts and strides to put our family first and to show me he is dedicated to our relationship. Yet, if I can't get move on past his mistake, he says our 12 year relationship must end. I understand this. There are triggers that bring up the pain and I'm recognizing those and dealing with them. How do you forget and forgive the lies and deceit? How can I put the imagery out of my head and move on and save my marriage? I desperately want to save my marriage, but I don't know how to heal my heart even after two years.
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affair, move on, period, stalking Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): You never forget lies, betrayal and deceit. You may one day forgive, but a broken heart is never mended when someone you trust with all of your being has betrayed you.
I agree with psychological counseling, but no human being can put a time limit on how long the hurt of betrayal is suppose to heal, especially when he has confided to the other woman confidences about his own family, to gain pity and the need for someone to understand him. (Whatever)!! The triggers of an affair can come out of no where, TV shows, movies, hearing about someone else having marital problems. When one partner respects the marriage vows (for life) and the other doesn't care if he jeopardises family, home, etc. for a one night thrill, this is very hard to understand and in lies the real heartache and problem. I have had the same experience as above, but in my case the woman called me at home around 4:30 AM to tell me all of the sordid details, I was completely blind-sided. When ever I bring up one of his lies, usually found on the computer that he has forgotten to delete, he rages violently that is his "tell" of lying to me. I am praying now that apathy doesn't set in because of his health he "needs" me and his ego and looks are waning. My looks are not waning and I am doing everyting possible to keep myself strong mentally and especially physically. It is a nice feeling to have another man stop and stare at you when you haved lacked this attraction from your spouse for so long. Do I feel used nursing him and doting over him? This will be another discussion with my therapist.
A
female
reader, IsItMe!  +, writes (22 July 2009):
 I'm sorry to hear about your husband's affair... I found out almost the same way you did.. My husband was having an affair with a married woman, and her husband found out- then called me- and TOLD me the entire story.. It was gut wrenching. I must say, it was the most sickening, pitiful feeling that I have ever felt.. My heart ached, I couldn't eat, I cried all the time, and all I wanted to do was sleep. That pain, my friend, will never be forgotten. As time goes on, the mental pictures of what he did "with her" will subside, and you will continue to live your life with him. However, it will never be the same. You will never get "that feeling" back, you will never look at him the same, ever. I have forgiven him, for us and our family, and because I am a Christian... But I feel I have sacrificed my peace in return. Two years later, and many counselling sessions, I still have moments where I will have flickering images of what he did with her, mostly during love making, I find myself drifting off and hoping it to be over soon. Sometimes I cry, but he would never know. That's the funny thing here- They move on, they forget about the affair, the mental anguish- Of course they do- Wouldn't you? It seems so unfair that the "just" get nothing they deserve, and the unjust live happily ever after, getting exactly what they wanted. I hold my breath daily, waiting for my world to crumble, just like it did 2 years ago. My heart is scared and I will never be the same. All I can do, is tell you, to be prepared, mentally and financially. I will never let him, take away, me- again.
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A
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reader, wherestheinstructions? +, writes (17 July 2009):
If he deceived you once, what is to say he won't do it again - or maybe already is doing?
When you are deceived by a partner, it pulls the rug out from under you and all of the certainties that you thought you had fly out of the window.
These will never come back 100% with this man. You are attemtping to trust someone who has proven himslef unworthy of that trust.
The question you need to ask is whether you prepared to accept second best and compromise your own happiness and principles for something he did, leaving you in a weakened position that he can then take advantage of further down the track.
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A
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reader, Beingblack +, writes (17 July 2009):
 Whoa! Hold your horses! Your cheating husband wants you to 'move on' from what he did! Ha!
Come on now. That is a little unfair. I don't think you should 'finish him off in court', but be strong here. YOU did nothing wrong!
He is basically belittling your feelings, and trying to make out that his affair was not important. Please remember he cheated on you for eight months. That was not 'a mistake'. That is repeated, sneaky, lying and offending, with no thought for you or your feelings. He cheated. How long would he have carried on for? HE has not fully come to terms with the magnitude of his own actions. He can't just sweep it under the carpet, and make you forgive and forget. And you should not let him.
He is trying to get away with it, and not face up to his lying, and cheating. Yes, I accept that he loves you, but if he RESPECTS you, he will face you, and face himself. At this moment, he is not doing it.
He doesn't realise that he almost threw away his marriage, his kids, his home, and the trust you built up between you. If it takes you ten years to feel comfortable again, then so be it. It isn't up to him. He has no say whatsoever in the length of your recovery. Sure, certain things will bring up the hurt and pain. It has to surface, for you to deal with it. The fact that he doesn't like to talk about it, or face it, shows his lack of respect for your feelings. He has no idea how you feel, and doesn't want to know.
We are not here to sway you one way or the other, but to pass opinions. My opinion is that you should forgive him if you want to, but don't forget a thing. Only YOU will know when you are past his 'mistake'. Until then, he should be begging for your forgiveness every day.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): Let me say betrayal is tough to get past and I am sorry for your pain. I do have to say though, each and every circumstance is very, very different. So I won't condemn your husband and tell you to get that divorce. Why? Because you both love each other. Listen, I don't by any means, condone the hurtful, painful actions of a cheater. None of us do. But I have witnessed many marriages have survived infidelities and move onto happier times. The big question is: Is your husband truely, truely committed to working this through with you? Like many of us out here, you have had a 12 year relationship/marriage that has likely seen it's challenging times. And I can plainly see, you don't want to leave him. So you need some help getting beyond these feelings of hurt and betrayal. One way is self-motivation and positive thinking. If you are both motivated to keeping your marriage intact, then do just that. Don't listen to the critics. This is 'your' life and family. And sometimes, married couples are able to forgive because they both want to make it work. So what you both need to do is: get everything out in the open and discussed, shed the tears, get angry and then put it away..for good. After that, force yourself to think positive. The focus then will be to find a way you both can move on with your lives together, with a new and improved cheat-proof relationship and it is possible. Good communication will be the key to your road to recovery and ..total forgiveness. Finding suitable solutions on how to prevent the same event in the future.
Now here's the kicker. Be prepared for this. Your feelings of mistrust and betrayal will pop up occasionally and your husband has to understand this. After all, you will likely be working this out emotionally, for awhile. You and your husband need to get everything out in the open and understand the root of why he cheated. Some deep in your marriage needed fixing. I think you know that too. So now concentrate on honest, truthful communication and work this through with him. Forgiving your husband does not mean you will forget what happened, but it will mean that you have accepted what transpired and are ready to move forward without bringing the past into your renewed future as a couple. It will be difficult for you to blindly trust your husband again. Your trust will only strengthen, through the convincing, caring actions of your husband. You cannot put him on a leash and monitor him all the time, and you shouldn't want to. This will be a long term process. Re-building the trust, passion and strength in your relationship may even require further couple counseling if you feel you both cannot make it on your own. I highly recommend you stay on that path. If it didn't work for you before..think about getting a different counselor. But as to whether you should stay or go...none of us can tell you that, because we are not in the middle of your marriage and your life. But a marriage of committment takes a ton of caring, love, sweat and many tears. I know, I've been there. Only you can make that choice, hun. Good luck dear and I wish you the best. Keep us posted on how you do. Be strong and take care of you and your family.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (17 July 2009):
 get a counselor and tell your husband how your feeling, thats the best advice anyone can give you you need a professional counselor this is a traumatic emotional thing for you dont go it alone
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A
male
reader, Jason32477 +, writes (17 July 2009):
 I could forgive an act of betrayal such as cheating,but not when it also involves lies.You are a very strong woman to have made it this far in your relationship and I think your husband has a lot of nerve to think of ending things because of your mistrust.He is responsible for the current situation. Not you.Any way I don`t have any real advise to offer,but I will give this suggestion anyway.Start a new relationship with your husband.Separate him into two separate individuals. Dump / leave the old lying cheater he was, and start fresh with his exciting, caring twin brother.Basically the idea is to role play.If you have a decent imagination it may work for you.It may not be the best idea but I can`t think of anything better.
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A
male
reader, vba67 +, writes (17 July 2009):
It is indeed very hard to forgive and forget. If your husband has sincerely made strides to improve your relationship, then that's a start. Nobody said it would be an easy path, but its a path one or more must take. You do not have to forget the lies and deceit, but you will eventually have to forgive hime for his transgressions in order for the two of you to move on. When people forgive, they are able to move ahead with their lives. It takes the heart a long time to heal, and even after two years there's a world of hurt inside you. Your husband needs to understand the position you are in and give you more time to heal your heart, but it sounds as if you're on the right path.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): How is that he gave you an ultimatum while he is the offender? He is at your mercy. Finish him off in the courts. Women have the advantage.
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A
male
reader, holikdad +, writes (17 July 2009):
You don't forget, that's unfortunately the cross you bear by choosing to stay with a cheater.I'm comfortable in the decision I made to stay with my cheating wife because I know that if it happens again I will have no problem putting her out. I don't follow her around, I don't look through her stuff because I know if it happens again I'll know. I've seen the signs before and if it takes me one or six months to find out when I do she can pack a bag and leave. No amount of crying or begging will make me change my mind a second time.Just remember that no matter how much love you have for your husband he still has a very high chance to cheat again. So tell him that if you catch him at it again he's gone, no discussion, no fighting, pack a bag and get out. Then enjoy your marriage, if he does it again you'll eventually catch him, and if you do follow through with the rules you've set and put him out.
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