A
male
age
30-35,
*geek
writes:Hey, I have been in this relationship with my girl for several months now (long distance) it isn't often that we get to see each other (month or 2 ) I took a week of leave off of where I am to go see her, so we can see each other, have fun...etc.But so happens the day I get up there her mother scheduled her for surgery, meaning my girl will be out of commission for a good week or more (sleeping for the first 4 days or so), conveniently the week I am going to be there. Her mother had full knowledge I was going to be there and I specifically asked her that she does not schedule the surgery while I am there so I can spend time with her daughter. But she did anyways, and my girl isnt fighting it at all....I want her to have surgery, I'd love to be there for her when she does, but this just ruins a week I thought was going to be fun and something other than the same old boring job day in and day out....ahh, i don't know how to properly put this, just to frustrated and had this planned for like a month......gah..How do I tell my girl how much this frustrates me? which it does... immensely without sounding like an ass? and any other suggestions would be nice....thanks...zgeek Reply to this Question
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male
reader, zgeek +, writes (14 July 2010):
zgeek is verified as being by the original poster of the question alrite, thanks a bunch, me n her got it worked out.
I am going to be with her before her surgery and for her surgery I will also be there the day afterwards. then i am going back to save my leave days for the next month, she wont be doing much then but I will be there to help her out.
Zgeek
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 July 2010):
 Your choices were these: to be with her prior to the surgery, my guess that she's not terribly comfortable and might be on pain meds and wouldn't be a whole lot of fun just yet.
To be with her a little while after the surgery, she'll be still nurturing that shoulder and will be doing rehab stuff. Maybe more fun for you then but she'll still be recovering.
Or to show that you're a prince among guys, that jewel of great price, to be there in good times and bad. I guess it is a test of your character. Her mother must have her doubts about you and this is a very interesting way of finding out what you are made of.
Why is it that you want to tell your girl how angry you are about this? Do you want to make her feel bad? What is the desired outcome of that revelation? To make her change the surgery?
I have to admit, it is a bit much to expect a LDR boyfriend to give up his leisure time to tend to a convalescing teenager. But maybe Mom will need the help then and you'll be able to be useful.
Look, life has this nasty way of throwing crap at us when we least need it. This could be so much worse. You could be showing up right when she was getting chemo for cancer. Or she discovers she's diabetic and needs to learn how to manage her blood sugar with insulin injections.
It is no fun tending someone who is recovering from surgery or an illness. However, it can be a personally enriching experience if you approach it in the right way.
Tell me again why you feel the need to express your unhappiness at this situation. What would have been the ideal time for her to have the surgery?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 July 2010):
 I would not tell anything to your girlfriend. Quite possibly she is enough anxious and worried already about having to have surgery, without you adding to her preoccpations or making her feel guilty with your disappointment!
Yes,her mother could perhaps have been a bit more considerate of your needs when she scheduled. She probably scheduled what she saw as most convenient for herself and her family. And ,guess what ? she did right. As a mother, I'd be much more concerned about my 17 y.o. daughter physical health, than about her long distance budding romance.From a mother's point of view,she can always get another boyfriend...but she cannot get another shoulder...
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (13 July 2010):
It's like I said. Seems like a test to me to see whether you're there for the good times as well as the bad. Annoying that it was scheduled at that time, but if you say anything, your girlfriend and her mother will just say that you're not interested in anything other than fun. Put on your best smile for it.
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A
male
reader, zgeek +, writes (13 July 2010):
zgeek is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will be with her at her surgery, but I get 1 leave day a month, I will not be able to take any time off for almost half a year, this is something that could have easily been scheduled for the Tuesday after I left. And because of the surgery she is going to be sleeping for the whole week I am there, she most likely wont even see me.
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A
female
reader, veronika  +, writes (13 July 2010):
 I think this is one of those times where you're going to just have to smile and bare it. It may have been inconsiderate for her mother to schedule your girlfriend's surgery right when she knew you were coming to visit, but it is what it is.
I'm going to assume this surgery is quite important. If that's the case, then I think it would be much, much better for you to actually say nothing about your frustrations. There isn't a nice way of saying "I'm frustrated you're going to be out of it after surgery for a week, because I want to spend fun time with you". It seems selfish and unthoughtful no matter which way you put it.
As her boyfriend, you need to support her. Not making a fuss will be better in the long run, and it will give the impression that you're considerate and supportive, instead of selfish and unthoughtful.
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A
male
reader, zgeek +, writes (13 July 2010):
zgeek is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit is extensive shoulder surgery, 2 cm labral tear. she is 17. She had a choice of when to schedule it as well...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): I doubt the scheduling conflict is an accident.
You get to see her, be alone with her, and even spend time waiting on her, but you don't get to bone her. Sounds like a mother's strategic planning to me.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 July 2010):
What kind of surgery is she getting? And how old is your girlfriend? I'd need that info before giving you my advice.
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A
female
reader, Jesc +, writes (13 July 2010):
 Surgery is a big thing. It is sweet you would like to be there for it. If it is a necessary thing then it had to be done. If it was a major thing, maybe the mother did it so you could be there for her.
Now if it is something that could have waited that was pretty rude. You should just tell your girlfriend the truth. Meaning let her know your not trying to sound rude or mean in anyway but that you worked hard to see her and for her mother to do that upsets you.
Long distance relationships work with communication from both parties even girlfriends mother's have to be part of the convo. If it's something that bugs you. You must tell her. I would suggest that you wait till after the surgery and all that and try to talk to her face to face.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (13 July 2010):
You don't. You put a smile on and support her. She's having surgery, and this could be a test. Maybe this is a test to prove whether you're worth it, and whether you will be there for the good times as well as the bad. After all, you can't always have both. Sometimes, s**t happens and that's it. This is one of those times. She needs your support during this surgery. She doesn't need to know that your fun week has been ruined by the fact she needed medical attention. That will not look good at all, and will make her think twice about whether you're a trustworthy person who will be there when bad things happen. She needs you, so be by her side and take care of her. So be a good, understanding boyfriend and spoil her for a week.
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