A
female
age
30-35,
*elples
writes:I found out from a friend my boyfriend created a facebook today. I dislike social networkings like that because myspace caused so many problems between us before. I stopped going on it but I let him continue to go on it. One day, during summer, we were having a serious talk and he said he'll delete it. I told him not to, because him wanting to delete it was enough for me. But when I found out he got a facebook, we had another talk about it, not even a really long one, and he suggested deleteing it again. This time, I said yes. He said he has no harsh feelings towards me, and I asked him different questions pertaining to it and he said he loves me. That it is just a page. But later on I asked if he felt I controlled him and he said yes. I don't want him to make him feel like I do, how can I change that thought? Please don't suggest in letting him keep/create his facebook.
View related questions:
facebook, myspace Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 October 2009):
 Controling issues and jealousy issues usually stem from poor self-esteem. How's yours?
A
female
reader, Helples +, writes (15 October 2009):
Helples is verified as being by the original poster of the question I wasn't trying to control anyone on this website. I read many of the posts posted on this website and most of the answers I see automatically is "break up." I simply don't think that with every little problem someone has, it should lead to a break up. There is always an alternative way, even if its difficult to see at the moment. Some of the good relationships are the one you keep fighting for. Anyways, thanks for your answers. I really do appreciate it. The one on how to be subtle on controlling him made me laugh. That was a very different answer.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (15 October 2009):
 "We had trust issues" is a blanket statement that explains nothing.
"He looks and I get jealous" is what this sounds like.
You need to find a trustworthy guy, one that doesn't look! All the Aunts seem to be saying the same thing and are in agreement. You are having a problem with being in denial. Even if this guy is your 'first love', if he doesn't treat you right and he makes you crazy, you DON'T need tips on what to do to make him behave better!
You can't change other people's behavior, You can only change your own.
...............................
A
female
reader, Helples +, writes (15 October 2009):
Helples is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts just.. I don't want to break up with him. He's my first love. We did have trust issues before, which lead to a break up. After months, he pleaded in being my boyfriend. He was so different from before. Honestly, this is the only thing I can't deal with. I'm comfortable with many things but this..
...............................
A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (15 October 2009):
my ex gf had an issue with me being on myspace after we got together. I had a friend that would send me all kinds of sexual images in my comments. not of her just random pics. on our first date she mentioned the pics that were from so long ago I had forgotten they were there lol. ok so I took them off no big deal. then she decided she wud take a subtle issue with the fact I had so many people (girls) on my friends list who by the way I never spoke to. so I went ahead and deleted every girl on my page except for her and a couple others. then she told me I shud change my page to show more like I am with someone. I could figure out wut she was talking about since in my status it stated I was in a relationship. so I finally figured out she wanted me to state in the about me section that I had someone. so I went ahead and changed that. then one day I see her crying and it turns out she's crying cuz one of the girls I was still friends with simply sent me a comment saying "hey I haven't talked to in awhile just wanted to say hi". now I had met my ex gf on myspace so I understand it making her a little nervouse. but don't dictate wut ur man does or dsnt do. if u feel u have to dictate then its time for you to go about ur merry way.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2009): If you are controlling, and if you would like to be in control, then you have to control someone without them knowing that they're being controlled. You have to insinuate ideas in his head and make him think that it is HIM who wants to delete the facebook and that he's not doing it for you, but for his own good, whatever that reason may be. Or another way of doing it is you could act like you're hurt by his actions, but never directly ask him to change his actions. He'll feel guilty and if he cares about you, then he will change his actions to stop you from getting hurt. Again, he will be the one who wants to make the change, instead of being told by you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2009): Um just the fact that you are asking how do "I make my boyfriend" change his thoughts shows that you are kinda controlling.
You can't make anyone think anything or do anything or feel anything.
If he wants to have a facebook page so what, it is just a social website for mostly keeping in touch with people who aren't even in our everyday lives.
Have him add you as a friend and you can see everything he is saying, but for you that is probably a bad idea since you want to control what he is doing.
If you don't trust him, find a guy you can trust.
...............................
A
female
reader, RCK  +, writes (15 October 2009):
Easy - Stop monitoring him. Question should be "Why don't I trust him on Facebook or Myspace?" Fear of cheating or other reasons. Tell him how you feel when you see him on it and leave it at that.
...............................
A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (15 October 2009):
 What kind of problems has myspace created between the two of you before? Has he exchanged pictures with other girls or something that has shown that you cannot trust him? It'd be helpful if you clarified that a little bit.
But either way, you are being controlling. You are telling him what he can and cannot do with his life. It's one thing to say that you feel uncomfortable about something and perhaps talk things through, but the fact that you phrased a sentence such as 'you let him keep it' suggests that you give yourself a bit of control over him. So he has every right to feel controlled. How do you change his opinion? By not being controlling. It's simple as that. Unfortunately the only answer in this situation is to let him keep the facebook in order to change his opinion of you. Now if he did do something that totally violated your trust in him on myspace, maybe you should re-think the relationship. If you can't even trust him, why be with him?
Another suggestion is to join facebook too and friend him so you can at least see the public stuff that other people send him. The bottom line is that you don't 'allow' or 'let' him do anything, because he isn't really yours to control. Whatever he does is his choice. The only way you influence his opinion is by your reactions, in this case, your controlling reactions.
Best of luck to you! :)
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (15 October 2009):
Please don't tell me to tell my BF to keep his fb page, just figure out how I can whitewash my controlling behavior? Um, Lie?
It's pretty obvious from what you have written that you have been jealous about something that you saw on his wall, and the he isn't the most totally devoted boyfriend if he is constantly doing things that seem irritating to you, I am assuming, with other females.
I think that if your BF is not extremely careful about contacting other girls, then actually HAVING a fb page that he can't hide from you might be a good thing.
You can't change his behavior. So, You can either monitor it, or choose a better BF!
I vote for keeping the fb page and keeping my eye on him. If he hangs himself on it again, then find a guy who doesn't appear to flirt with others.
...............................
|
