A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriends family dont have that much money (well they didnt before but do now) and my family have been always been comfortable lets say. I am use to giving and receiving big gifts at birthdays. My boyfriend has a very good job and big savings so i thought it was ok to give out the same type of gifts because he can afford it. Hes just being tight if he doesnt buy me something nice. Last year he said he didnt want to spend as much so we agreed a limit and stuck to it. This year hes been through a stressful time so i thought id treat him to a amazing present-it was circa 150 euro. I put alot of thought into it but when i gave it to him, he freaked out. He said i wasnt listening to him and i was trying to make him something he wasnt. I was so upset after the thought i put in but i guess i didnt do as he wanted. I didnt mean it like that though and now i dont know how to fix it-please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2011): I am the original poser of the question. Id like to thank everyone for their insightful feedback-even the criticisms! I took all that ye said on board-sat down and explained to him I shouldnt have bought it but he shouldnt have reacted the way he did either and could have taken me aside the following day and told me. He apologised for over reacting and things are okay now. We set a limit we were both okay with. He said he was looking forward to going so im grateful it worked out well in the end. Thank you all again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): Depending on how badly you feel about this- there IS one idea for how you could make it better...Explain to him that you didn't mean to overlook his feelings, and that you now feel so bad that what you'd really like is for the big gift to count for both your birthdays. So although you mighta spent more money, he won't have to at all. I don't know whether the gift is something that you could share or not, but even if it isn't, tell him that the gift for you would simply be the chance to make up for your blunder as you're so upset over this.Be firm on this and do NOT act a martyr- simply as someone that has no other way to put this right.The main thing to achieve is to shift the 'guilt' that he's laying on you. (Surely he can appreciate that you got your wires crossed on how he'd feel about this?!) Guilt is a horrid emotion, so it'll be worth the price to escape it!Once he can appreciate how upset you are on this, I actually wouldn't be surprised if he backs down on this before your birthday anyway. Even if it's only to surprise you with flowers!
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A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (18 August 2011):
 You are not seeing it from his point of view. You did not listen to him. He asked you to put a limit on the monetary value of a gift.
This is not about his parents or him not appreciating the thought you put into the gift. You overlooked his request and his feelings about the matter.
You made YOUR feelings more important on his day. He was raised under different economical standards that you were. His upbringing molded him differently.
Your upbringing molded you different. What seems normal and loving to you, may seem extravagant and unecessary. It may even be considered materialistic to him.
You also mention that your bf is being tight when he does not "buy you something nice". He may not have the same ideal that you do that a pricey present is equal to love, affection, adoration, acception and appreciation.
Does he show you that you are special in OTHER WAYS?
So, after you see his point of view, even if you do not agree with it...you apologize for not respecting his wishes.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (18 August 2011):
 There's a class cultural disconnect between you two, and you do not understand his values that he holds on to as someone who actually knows/appreciates the value of the dollar. I believe what you did was disrespectful to what he believes in and you overstepped set boundaries. My family had decent money but we still lived like we were working class-- I tend to be disgusted by excess, and I can't think of any reason, birthday, christmas or otherwise, that would warrant someone spending 300$ on someone. It's wasteful and if someone did that to me I would feel like they would not know me. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve it, and I get the whole philosophy of what's the point of having money if you're not spending it or you're unhappy but you need to take into account his perspective. You think he's just being a miser says that you don't understand that he respects money and that he can be happy without spending loads on either you or himself. He's probably a man who likes you making an effort than buying the gift. I'd ask him if he wants you to return the gift, and if yes, cook a nice meal and give him a massage or go out for a nice meal instead of financially compensating him for his rough year.
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A
female
reader, Irish49  +, writes (18 August 2011):
 Great advice from below. Just adding my 2 cents here. I would say your boyfriend over-reacted and certainly not the reaction you expected..I am sure. Going by the age you have stated..it's not like you are both young 'kids' here. He had the choice to calmly communicate what he meant, and that was: "that the budget you had agreed upon in the past...was long-standing." Good, clear communication is extremely vital in a relationship.
You stated that his family have had limited funds, in the past...and they have grown accustomed to watching their spending. His reaction to your pricey gift could be a result of that frugality that he was raised with. So when you presented this wonderful present to him, his practical, spenthrift nature took over. He would have been better to accept the gift, graciously and then just reiterate the 'spending agreement' you both arrived at. But really, there was no need to 'freak out'. Calm, open discussion and a compromise was needed here.
You can't fix this. Let it go. And learn that the next time you buy gifts for each other, spend wisely. If you try to continue to explain this to him, and how much you love him and wanted to do something nice for him...he will do one of 2 things.
1) he will calm down, be gracious and appreciate what you did for him.....eventually.
or
2) much simpler...he will not accept your reasons for doing this. If he cannot accept this, then I would say, he doesn't care about your feelings and is successfully communicating that to you.
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A
male
reader, mrg123  +, writes (18 August 2011):
 My experience is that if you come from a background of not having much money and maybe having to scrape by, even when you come into it, your previous experience frames how you think. Just as your previous experience has framed yours, you have been comfortable with money so your ok with going for more, there is nothing wrong with either perspective, they just are what they are. Your approach last year was a good one in the circumstances, I was in the reverse position and me and my partner set limits as well.
I can see you meant well and appreciate that but I also understand your boyfriends reaction from my own experience. It makes you feel a bit inadequate if you cant match your partner and thats why the framework of a limit is the right approach to take. Ultimately though your intentions were good ones, and I hope your boyfriend sees this once he has settled down.
When the dust has settled I think what you need to do is just talk to him, reaffirm your reasons and that you know he cant reciprocate in kind, but that is not what matters, basically, show him you value him etc, and keep making the point that you did this for the best of reasons. Once he has settled then your bf should have the good sense to recognise you did him a kindness, be grateful and maybe (but dont push for this) even say sorry for his reaction which was understandable but wrong - good deeds should not be chaffed with cold counsel as the saying goes. I think this one should almost sort itself out, dont beat yourself up, you did a good thing and ultimately he should be grateful. Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 August 2011):
 I don't know if there is really anything to fix except your boyfriend 's personality. I hope he has hundreds of good qualities to compensate what , IMO, is one of the worst character faults ever, i.e. being a cheapskate. Who is tight with money in general is also not generous with his time and feelings and even in bed. Personally there is almost nothing that unnerves me as people who does not know how to give, or to receive, graciously and I'd say that your boyfriend's case is pretty bad... he has a good job, and plenty of savings - and he freaks out at getting a 150 euro's value gift ?? Probably because he thinks that now he is supposed to give you something around the same value for your birthday , and he did not plan to do that ( Maybe he was planning to give you something more along the lines of ... the Mc Donald's toys which come with kids meals ?).
In his defence, I must say that if you both had agreed upon a certain limit, and you went over it without consulting him- technically he is right, you should not have done it, a pact is a pact , and what's the point of agreeing about something if then the parties do what they want anyway. So I understand he might have been a tad annoyed.
But that's just the letter of the question- the spirit , is a spirit of lack of generosity , and lack of appreciation on his side, - and while you can fix your blunder with a heartfelt apology , how are you going to fix his unpleasant natural tendencies ?
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A
female
reader, sammy1986 +, writes (18 August 2011):
just explain to him that your sorry but you just wanted to do something nice for him he can,t have a go at you for that and that you didnt realise he would freak out over it
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