A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hiya, I really need help! I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years, I love him very much, but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. We met in college, when we were 16/17 and everything was great until about 5 months ago. We have both been faithful and truthful to each other, but for some reason it feels like we just aren't right for each other any more. I mean he is genuinely lovely, he goes out of his way to please me and look after me. I mean we fight every now and then, i suppose recently it has got more frequent, but it's the same things it has always been. We always said we would be together for ever, but I no longer see him in my future, our views are too different, for example, I love to travel, but he thinks its a waste of money. Its not just this though, recently he's let his apperance really slip, he used to have his hair cut every few weeks now it is more like every 4 months, and it looks a mess, sometimes I'm embaressed to be seen with him. I even told him this and it didn't seem to bother him, he just said ' it doesn't matter now, i've already got you'. Almost like he has become complacent with our realtionship, and I hate it. It's so trivial but he also wont learn to drive, i drive him everywhere, and he wont give me money for petrol, because he says he doesn't ask for lifts. But he leaves my house at around midnight and then says I'll get the bus, knowing I wont let him. And to top it all off we haven't had sex in 3 months and this isn't just down to me, he doesn't try anything either. I mean i know sex lives in the beginning are always great, but 3 months of no sex when we are 19 is not really normal, maybe for a married couple but not for us!We are both at university, so i feel like this is the time we should be having fun. I just don't feel like we are anymore, but he has always said to me he would never break up with me and I believe him. I thought no sex for 3 months would of some how hinted to him but it hasn't, i think he's happy with our relationship where we do nothing and go no where! I think the only reason might be he doesn't think he will meet anyone else! I know it will crush him, and he will hate me and i really don't want that because I love him. But I dunno what to do, I really need help! Especially as I am really close to his family and losing them would be very hard. And to top it off I have met some one else, although nothing has happened, I want it to, and I know if I wanted to be with my boyfriend I wouldn't feel this way. I just really don't know how to break it to him!
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male
reader, Heartbroken in love  +, writes (21 January 2010):
Short and sweet. There is no nice way after 3 years. Dnt spend too much time explaining urself as he will probably promise to change. If ur heart is out of it then u need physically get out of it. Pack it up tell him its over say bye and be gone.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (21 January 2010):
 Well this one's a tough call. It seems that he's fallen from your graces, and likely because he started taking you for granted in certain ways, maybe drifting away from you.
Be that as it may, if you're going to break up with him, the easiest thing to do is to tell him you just don't feel that you can spend the rest of your life with him. Its that easy.
I understand he's going to be upset. You two practically grew up together.
Other posters will tell you to cut him off, cut contact and settle up "accounts" of things.
It all depends on your relationship. However, you said you met someone new, and it seems to me this new person is likely going to end up being in your life sooner than later.
I would say that you should keep things calm with the new guy for a while, at least a suitable amount of time or do things that are not obvious for a small period of time.
The only reason why is because your now soon to be ex boyfriend, if he sees you dating soon, as in next day; he's going to assume you've been seeing the new guy behind his back for awhile and feel really hurt.
Or he's going to suspect that anyway.
It also seems you have a great deal of love for your boyfriend as well, which means this is going to be painful for you too.
Breaking up is always hard to do, and try and be gentle with him if you can. You know him best. He may choose to leave you alone and let things go, and if so maybe its for the best. If he does, don't assume he doesn't miss you.
He will. Its also possible he might be very lonely for a very long time. If he's really been in love with you this long, his will to go out and seek new girlfriends is going to be at a crossroads. Unlike you, he has little to look forward to at the moment. So keep that in mind.
I also would not use words like "dump", "heave ho" and such. He's going to feel pretty low as it is.
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A
male
reader, lakers_lover09 +, writes (21 January 2010):
he's gonna hate you at first because he is hurt, but as time goes by he will understand. So i agree with caring guy as well..i will warn you though..a guy who doesnt cheat on you and goes out of his way to make you happy...thats rare in any man and you have it.on top of that his flaws seem to be changeble if you guys took the right actions. But if it isnt for you...then it isnt. So try to be sure you wont regret your decision first. good luck
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A
female
reader, old-spinstah +, writes (20 January 2010):
I agree totally with caringguy. There really is no way of doing it gently. You might still be very fond of him but I too recommend that you cut contact. He will be very hurt and, if you continue to see each other, he will find it difficult to let you go and move on.
Be calm and honest with him. Let him know that he means a lot to you and that the relationship was really special but you feel that it's run it's course and it's not what you want anymore. Try to avoid criticising and saying that he's got lazy and boring etc etc - even if it's true.
I'm not sure if you should mention that you've "met" someone else (even though nothing has happened) but if you do start dating this other guy and you haven't said anything, your ex will automatically assume that this is the reason for your break-up. He will be very hurt and anything you said about how strong your feeling for him were or how special your relationship was will just seem like a lie.
Once you've made the break, try to deal with as many practicalities as soon as possible (stuff at each other's places, things you jointly own etc) Avoid meeting up with him "just for a chat" if he wants it. He may need some more closure but if it happens too often, it's probably just a delaying tactic so he hasn't got to completely let you go and he can keep hoping you'll come back.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 January 2010):
There is only ever one way to do it and that's to be honest, clear and calm. You have to take him aside, and just tell him that because of all those factors you have listed above, your relationship has come to an end and you need to move on. This will also mean cutting contact. Yes, he will be upset, he might very well hate you. But believe me it's better than not saying anything and cheating, or something like that. You're already going about this the right way. There is no way he won't be hurt. But at the end of it, this isn't working, and he will find someone else one day.
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