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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I honestly believed that my boyfriend was not in the faintest interested in pornography. I have come to know otherwise. I moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago and about a month ago, found him doing the unthinkable. Prior to this and when questioned, he would tell me how "filthy" pornography was, etc. He knew from the onset of our relationship that I was against pornography because of what I experienced as a little girl. He knew of my pain, distrust of men, and fear of pornography. And yet... I do not think that men understand how much heartache, confusion, and self-loathing women begin to feel as a result of them watching pornography. I feel as if my entire world has caved in and I do not know what to think or do. What is even more troubling is the fact that I am good looking and slender/fit. I have even modeled within the past year. I do not understand what is wrong with me? Does anyone know how to deal with this?If he was watching pornography when I was down the hall in his parent's guest room, of course he was watching it when I was living with my mom a few blocks away. And of course he was watching it when I moved in with my dad when I was a city away. For him to tell me "no" when I ask is insulting and a blatant lie. I would rather know the truth that to be fed lies. How can I go about getting the truth from him? Has anyone ever experienced this?I get to thinking about it and I cannot stop crying or thinking about it. I cannot stop thinking about how long I have been doing intimate things with him all the while he was getting his fix from pornography when I was not around or asleep. As you may have already guessed, I am still with him. I no longer sleep in the guest room. When I found him that night he swore up and down that that was the first time he had been watched it. I believed him. I want to continue to believe him, but it's just so unrealistic. Should I have done something differently? I would really appreciate any advice, suggestions, similar experiences, etc. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou guessed it right on the nose, lol.
This is my new question, please feel free to comment. I would appreciate it.
Thank you all!
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/confused-about-pornography--is-it-cheating.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2008): not sure why no one told u to watch it too you say you hate it but more because of fear that you will be turned on by it, chances are u will be turned on by it and it does make for a good orgasm, find his tape and next time your home alone put it on, that will surely give you a better understanding of why men tune in, perhaps in time u can watch together many couples do
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): Hi Ms anonymous,
People are human, me, you, him, and many other people on this board have made mistakes, we had dreams that didn't live up to the reality. You are still very young, life has a lot of other surprises for you. In the movies everything works perfectly but in real life people lie, they cheat, they get sick, they get grumpy and they go away. Sometimes things are even better than the movies, the pretty girl goes out with the ugly guy, the strong man actually cries and loves to change nappies and iron your dresses. Life is strange, and if we don't learn to bend sometimes then we break, and perfection is difficult in a messed up confused world. People are people and each and everyone of us is unique.
"I suppose because they're men suddenly they can't keep promises? I don't think it works that way. Any one person is capable of making a promise and sticking to it. Be it watching porn as a sexual stimulus, or feeding your little sister's pet when she's off at camp"
It's a rare person who can keep every promise and never lie... "Do I look fat in this dress", "I promise I will keep to my diet, and read my bible every day", " I will be the best daughter/mum/girlfriend in the world", "Babes, I promise I'll never make you cry"... "I won't ever spend so much money on a dress/car/shoes again".... Men lie, women lie, and both of us make promises and break them everyday. If we didn't we wouldn't be human. Sorry babes, people do the best they can. The best advice I ever read on this board was "Don't sweat the small stuff it's only the big things that matter."
PS: Jessica, wow, I am glad that things are moving for you. It was so kind of you to give tell this lady about your experiences and try to help her out. If you don't mind, I'll update on your original post. And no Q you can't have her, because she's already attached to a very nice man.
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reader, pepper27  +, writes (21 August 2008):
 Hi Hunny I no this is a late answer but after reading the anon reply I just had to say something..It really is not anything wrong with you, Believe me when I say this, Your guy loves you he is not comparing you with any of these women its a quick fix love no were near as good as sex with you..You must not ever believe someone that calls all men WANKERS!!!She is obviously bitter and twisted and hates all men full stop...I could be like this as Ive been through alot in my life hunny but I dont judge all for what one person may have done that is totally unfair...As long as he is treating you with care and is kind to you this is all that counts, Ok he could have been straight with you but I think he probably wanted to save your pain...As to him it really means nothing, This is why he canot understand how much pain you are feeling about all this...It has nothing to do with you not satisfying him at all..Of course if it helps you talk with your councellor but please dont be put off by people that hate men, All men are not the same hunny..Ive brought up 3 children on my own Ive had 3 shit husbands but I still dont believe all men are like they were..And for the record Id like to find a vibrator that can keep me as happy as my fiance does believe me there is no vibrator out there that compares to a real man...Yea u can have fun but no were near as much..Dont be put of by bitter people darling...YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU AND I HOPE YOU SORT THIS OUT REAL SOON WITH LOTS OF LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): Wow, Jessica, you have come a long way since you first posted on this site. I'm so happy for you. You are now able to see that what you do and what your boyfriend does are not that much different. Your answer is the best that I have read in describing what it feels like to go through this and how a guy watching porn is similar to what many women do. I only wish you continuing great success with your relationship. I really am so happy for you.
OP, read carefully what Jessica and others have said here. What Jessica has said is especially valuable because she was in the same frame of mind as the other women who post this same question. Unfortunately for the other women and their partners, I don't think that anyone has been as successful as Jessica at understanding this. You are a very intelligent and understanding woman Jessica. As in all relationships, there will be new problems over the years. What you have accomplished here will be a great asset in helping you in the future. Take it from this old guy. My wife and I have been through problems and only understanding and compromise have allowed us to have a very successful marriage. People could learn a lot frim you.
And q1605, stay away from Jessica. Yes, we know she's hot, but she's already taken. Sorry buddy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm confused.
I suppose because they're men suddenly they can't keep promises? I don't think it works that way. Any one person is capable of making a promise and sticking to it. Be it watching porn as a sexual stimulus, or feeding your little sister's pet when she's off at camp.
Besides which, I'm not as prude-ish anymore because I realize that I've been with the guy for almost 5 years and we intend to get married. As I've mentioned before, we share a room now. We've been exploring and trying new things every night. I give him oral sex without asking him - I just do it. I love seeing how excited he gets when he realizes I'm not doing it just to turn him on.
In a weird way, I'm kind of happy about what happened? For one, I am not as naive thanks to you all. He is after all, my first and only boyfriend. I've come to enjoy being with my boyfriend in every respect(rather than fear what my family will think). I'm excited to explore and I am much more sexual. It is really strange how this has worked itself out and how much it has changed the way I think.
I feel like such an idiot for holding on to something that, when you really think about it, doesn't matter. Why should I care what my family thinks when they are so hypocritical its ridiculous. They can talk a lot of junk, but they can't help out a 20-year-old female college student? I was so fearful of what they would think when I left my Dad's place for my boyfriend's parent's house. I made sure I slept in a separate room just so, if they came over, they could see what a "good girl" I was being. God. I became such a prude. I wish I could start over and not a give a crap about any of them. Okay, now I'm rambling.
Thank you for your posts.
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female
reader, JessicaG  +, writes (18 August 2008):
 I just want to say that I was recently on this site with the exact same issue as you and believe me that as much as you think that you may be the only one hurting as much as you are over this porn issue, know that there are many women who feel the exact same thing. I sounded just like you in my posts and the kind people who replied made so much sense, they were being realistic. It still hurt believe me, and I too saw my counsellor for the same thing as you. I know how it feels to feel almost like he is cheating... but he's not...I realized this because I too masturbate and I have since I was probably 13. I don't watch porn; except for recently when I wanted to understand more about this whole porn thing that men like. I do however and have always masturbated throughout every relationship no matter how satisfing the sex is. Actually I masturbate more when I am in a very active sexual relationship simply because I am aroused more and it is simply something to relieve me. So, in saying that - I was able to understand why men masturbate and I never had a problem with my boyfriend masturbating but I had a big problem with his porn viewing. I don't know if you do this or not but when I masturbate sometimes I will think of other men to help achieve orgasm faster. This does not mean I would so much as date those men if I were single, it's just fantasy and an 'aid' to masturbation. Just like the little vibrating toy egg I have been using for the last couple of years. Could I ever go back to using my hand? It would take alot longer I'll tell you. So these are my aids, the same as the porn is for him. I know it hurts to know that your man is watching other women and getting off on this but you need to realize that we as women view porn differently than men do. Some of us use dildos and some men might find that worse than watching porn because we are actually getting the physical penetration of something other than him. I of course don't see it this way. I am sure that you are very beautiful and sexual but you need to understand that your boyfriend could be with the 'most' beautiful woman in the world and chances are he'll still watch porn. My guy was honest at the beginning of our relationship with the porn. But when I expressed my feelings towards it and stupidly asked him to stop; he said he would and continued to watch and lied about it. Don't set yourself up in a situation where you will force him to lie about the porn. Learn and it might take time to accept that 'most' men watch. Some admit and some don't. You are better off learning to accept that this is a normal thing most men do than to get him to promise not to watch anymore. Trust me; he will say he won't but he will because he sees it as doing nothing wrong. If you make him promise not to watch, when you later catch him the lie and the whole ordeal will hurt you more. Listen to all the advise given here and know that although your feelings are very normal - you need to step back and almost change and understand it rather than change it. You will never be able to change this believe me I've tried. The only time porn can become a problem just as you've read on this site is when he prefers it over you. Most guys don't have a 'problem' or addiction; some might. As long as your sex life is good and he is good to you, don't throw this away in hopes that you will find some guy that doesn't watch porn. Not every single guy out there watches porn, but because most men do why take the chance of losing this one and perhaps ending up with someone with half his qualities to find out later that he 'too' watches? Or if you get lucky finding that someone who doesn't watch porn, who's to say that he is not the guy that will actually truly fool around on you? Your two choices are; stay and learn to accept it or leave. You can educate yourself by talking to people and perhaps this will make it easier to accept the porn. Believe me, I've gone through the same thing and I am a very stubborn person... I won't say that I feel 100% good about my boyfriend watching porn but I will say that I've learned the reality of it and accepted that most men watch. I decided not to throw away a fabulous guy just because he watches porn as an aid to masturbating. That's all it is. Men need the visual to make it easier to achieve orgasm when they masturbate and to be honest with you; alot of times when I masturbate I need to think of things too and they are not always about my boyfriend either. Trust me; I am very true and blue in this relationship but I find that I'm doing nothing wrong by fantasizing, so what's the big difference from when he does? It may be a huge thing to swollow right now, but you are the one who needs to deal with this issue because the reality is; it won't go away and if you chose someone else down the roard there is a very good chance this whole porn thing may come back to haunt you again. Good luck and I hope this helps, it did for me...Jessica
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male
reader, saltwater +, writes (17 August 2008):
 lol, A man has a completely different opinion of porn from *women* even...
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male
reader, saltwater +, writes (17 August 2008):
It's got a little argumentative on here.
Maybe I was a little hasty in my words, but it frustrates me the amount of criticism gets levelled at a man for watching porn.
A man has a completely different opinion of porn from men...and Diovan has it right (and said it in a politer way than me...) when she says that if you look hard enough you will find a man that doesn't watch porn; but it will be very difficult.
Men do think about sex a lot. Men do masturbate a lot, so we turn to porn as an accompaniment; a visual aid.
Men just naturally have a high masturbation rate. It's the way we are. You hear things about how a man is masturbating to porn because "he no longer fancies you" or "he doesn't get excited about the thought of sex with you"...it's all, in most cases, nonsense.
What do men think of when masturbating? Well, nothing really. It's just the action that counts.
Masturbation with men is a impulsive thing; they can be listening to music, get an urge to masturbate, put on some porn, then 5 minutes later put the music back on as if nothing has happened.
But it's like I said, it doesn't mean anything. We don't think anything less of our partner because of it. It doesn't suddenly mean we think our partner is no longer attractive. It's just a habit...a frequent habit.
More importantly though, it doesn't make us "bad people."
Now I can understand women who have a problem with porn; women say that the girl/woman in porn is being exploited -- that's true -- but so too is the man...he just doesn't realise it yet.
After a few years, most women (though not all) once they "grow up" realise what they have done and quickly leave the adult industry. Men on the other hand are stupid, and continue to perform; convinced that they have the best job in the world as they get to penetrate many girls in all places.
However, I have no doubt that when a man gets to around early 50's and is no longer young enough to perform in porn (and has time to reflect on the career he chose), he will regret profusely what he has done.
Remember that porn in its current ubiquitous extreme form has only been around since around 2000, so the generation of extreme porn stars now are the first; and as I say I have no doubt that when they become early 50's they will completely regret what they have done.
I digress.
I'd repeat what Diovan says; "...if pornography is so important to you, then dump this guy, we already know that it's something he likes. Try to find somebody else. This one lied, probably the next guy will lie too, but I'm sure if you look hard enough, one day you'll find a guy who shares your views."
But don't judge a man who watches porn harshly...for the reasons I explained.
Nobody can take the moral high ground in such matters. Porn is consensual between *both parties* and *legal*.
That is the easy bit to forget.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2008): Hey guys, stop the fighting.. Men and women, we got to stick together, things aint fair, but if we work and support one another, we can change things big time, fighting won't get us to the promised land that we dream off....
Anyway, on to the advice.....
Hi Ms Anonymous,
I am one of those women who enjoy porn and see nothing wrong with a man liking it too. Your story is so familiar, you have the same problem of ton's of women on this board. Look under Pornography, and you'll see many women in your situation.
Why did he lie, well he wanted to be with you and he understood how you felt about pornography. Will he look at pornography again... YES HE WILL, because it's normal for men to be interested in this type of thing.
MOST MEN (not all) will look at pornography, they like to look at naked people, they also like to masterbate. Men are not women, they have different brains. Men think about sex a lot, much more than us, so I've been told.
"I want to continue to believe him, but it's just so unrealistic."
You hate pornography, you have your reasons, but yes it is unrealistic of you to demand that he shouldn't look at porn when you weren't even around, and he was living somewhere else.
If you can't bear it, then break up with this guy. It's your issue, you don't like porn, it scares you, so find someone who shares your views. But as I always say, MOST MEN (not all) LIKE TO LOOK AT PORN. This one said he didn't like it, he lied, he promises to stop, well he's lying about that too. One day you'll find he has looked and you will get upset again. He lies because you force him to. Men look at porn, they don't see any problem, they don't lie to other men, but they lie to women because they know that women get upset.
You can't understand why he can't give it up, well that's because your a woman. You think that people should sacrifice in the name of love. Well, what have you given up to please him. I notice it's always women demanding men give up things, but I've not yet seen a man demanding a woman give up anything. Funny type of love we women show...
Anyway, if pornography is so important to you, then dump this guy, we already know that it's something he likes. Try to find somebody else. This one lied, probably the next guy will lie too, but I'm sure if you look hard enough, one day you'll find a guy who shares your views.
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reader, BigSis +, writes (14 August 2008):
 Good post there Waz...
All because a man is watching some porn?
So what's the big deal here, eh?
Like I've said in another thread, nobody's died here, take a look at what's surrounding us... nastiness, stabbings, shootings, rapes, etc. etc.
For goodness sake, people, life's too short, the guy's not hurting anyone?
He's just having a bit of some 'me time' fun.
BigSis
xXx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2008): get with the program q1605, even more dangerous than war historically is something women have done since the beginning of time, childbirth,,,,throughout history billions of women have lost there lives...they didnt need a government to make them risk their lives for others either.....for men to even pretend they have been discriminated against is a joke...when every last one of them scrubs toilets and does the MAJORITY of housework and childcare with absolutely no respect for their UNPAID labour then we can begin to talk...get educated....women have always had the raw end of the deal and men have always pretended it was not so...
You think its so much fun being home all day alone and raising kids fully running a household to be told you dont contribute because your not paid...of it were so much fun believe me men would have been doing more of it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice and comments.
Unfortunately, he does not like to talk about this topic in depth. He continues to tell me that it was his first time while with me. I pray that this is true and I wish I could believe it in my heart. I'm scared about this entire situation.
I am giving him my all and being selfless in order for him to be sexually pleased. I hope this is enough. I do not see why it would not be enough.
When school starts back up, I am going to speak to my counselor and see what happens from there. My sadness and whatnot needs to be dealt with A.S.A.P. otherwise no one will be happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): Saltwater say 'Sorry darling, but if you can't deal with a man watching and masturbating to porn, then you are going to have a hard time with all men.'
Good God, as a sexual and attractive woman, all I can say to this is 'well to hell with them all' men cant do a damn thing a vibrator cant...we dont even need them for babies anymore ladies...if can use the sperm from one hot young stud to impregnate many....its time men learnt to respect women...and the many posts from women who WONT settle for a 'WANKER' only go to show women are wising up to this///for centuries men have degraded and tried to keep women down but the tide is slowly beginning to change...
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reader, Replacement +, writes (11 August 2008):
 This is a really common problem for couples. A lot of men (not all) watch porn to masturbate and most men don't really understand how much it hurts their girlfriends. Or they understand, but are too selfish or impulsive to change their behavior anyway.
That said, his porn watching is not about a flaw in you. It's not because you are ugly, or because you are bad in bed. Porn is not always a symptom of an unhappy relationship, sometimes people are just curious and/or horny and/or addicted and they look to porn for that release.
What is more troubling than the porn here, is the lying. If he knew your stance on porn when you started dating, he should have either given it up or told you flat out that he was still going to watch it regardless. He misled you by making you think that you had compatible views on porn. And now you're in too deep to just break up with him because of it. So you too have to work it out. A compromise needs to be reached here. It's up to you two to work out what that compromise will be.
As I said, the porn is NOT ABOUT YOU. It is NOT a reflection of how he feels about you or how good you are in bed, or any of that crap. It's completely about HIM. Try not to internalize it too much or overanalyze it. A lot of men watch porn out of habit, out of boredom. A few watch it because they are addicted and believe that they 'need it' in order to get off. Very, very, very few watch it because they are dissatisfied with their current partners.
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reader, saltwater +, writes (11 August 2008):
You are over-reacting here big style.
No wonder he told you he didn't watch porn, probably because he knew you would react like this if he told you.
Sorry darling, but if you can't deal with a man watching and masturbating to porn, then you are going to have a hard time with all men.
Nearly all men watch and masturbate to porn. Browse this site and look at questions from women like yourself who are CONVINCED that their b/f watching porn is a problem....and in most cases it isn't.
Men masturabte all the time. So we masturbate while watching porn. It doesn't mean anything. We don't think anything less of our g\f. It doesn't mean we think our g\f is no longer attractive. It's just a habit.
Harsh, but true.
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