A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,I was recently dumped for reasons that included in me being "too clingy". I don't know how this is possible as when your in a relationship your meant to be there for each other. Its left many questions in my mind those of which won't be answered by my ex.Please girls, and guys, what are your definitions of clingy? What is being clingy?Thanks.
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female
reader, iwanttoknow00 +, writes (6 June 2011):
In any relationship, being there for each other is of course very important. But we all need our own sometimes.To be clingy, the way I understand it, is when you're there all the time wanting attention or wanting to give it. That gets boring and will often damage any relationship. It's very important to find a balance between the things you do together as a couple, and the things that YOU DO FOR YOURSELF, in your own time. This will also allow your bf/gf to have time for doing things for themselves. It's a good thing when your gf misses you :) it's also nice when she calls you for a change to ask about what you're up to. Try to find things to do without your gf, and without calling her every hour or so if you're not around. Let the girls do the chasing for a change! :) Hope this helps, good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): Being clingy kills relationships!! I've watched it happen in my life loads of times - my own fault. I agree that maybe she is not that in to you but would like to add that maybe you have caused this. Think about, needy people are really hard to fall in love with, it is so unattractive!! I fall in love really easily, but only with strong headed independent and interseting people. The moment someone acts clingy, I just want to puke. Personally I find it a real turn-off which is why, like Drew, I give my partners oodles of space now. I took a long hard look at myself and thought, 'I dont want to be like like this anymore and I dotn want to be single forever.'
Think about it, who wants a clingy puppy dog hanging around?! No-one who is right in the head! Healthy human beings like to be challenged, and stimulated.
I still feel uncomfortable when he wants to go away with his mates or go out drinking without me, but I BITE MY LIP, and instead say I hope he has a great time.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 June 2011):
 Being clingy, to me, is expecting contact at certain times, or frequently, and more contact than what I am used to.
However, it is a silly reason to break up with someone as you could just tell them to cool it down and take it easy. If the girl in question actually enjoyed your company she wouldn't find you clingy, or if she thought it was too much contact she'd tell you. If she just dumped you saying you were too clingy, it is a lousy excuse I think. It shows that she didn't appreciate your company, and for reasons she didn't want to tell you. Perhaps you just weren't the kind of man she wanted. Perhaps she was bored in the relationship. Perhaps she was in love with someone else.
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A
male
reader, Drew21 +, writes (6 June 2011):
 The love of my life dumped me because she claimed i was too clingy.
It's a fine line, a slippery slope. In the first year of the relationship, she WANTED me around all the time. Asked me to be around. Loved that i showed up at night after work (she was a bartender) to help her clean up.
I was crazy for her, and just wanted to make her happy, so I kept showing up.
However after a year and a half, things changed. She became unhappy, but never told me about this. Out of the blue one Friday night she told me she needed some space, so i gave it to her. The following Monday she called me and told me she missed me and begged me to come and see her.
A month later she dumped me cause she told me i was too clingy.
I really wish she would have given me some fair warning, or even a chance. All she had to do was say "I'd like a couple evenings to myself a week", and i totally would've given it to her. She never said that, or gave any indication of WANTING it. All she ever told me was about how she had "never been this happy in a relationship, before".
So many mixed messages. I learned my lesson there, though.
In any relationship since then i go out of my way to give my partner space...
It does seem to make for a healthier relationship.
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A
female
reader, totty-flossy  +, writes (6 June 2011):
 In my opinion being too clingy is when you wont give your other half any "space".
Everybody needs time to themselves! If you were constantly ringing and texting him throughout the day even when you were going to see him the same night then that could be classed as being too clingy. Or if you moaned at him when he said he wanted to see his friends and then kept ringing and texting him all the time he was with them then this also could be classed as clingy! Wanting to see him every day could be classed as clingy also. However you need to realise that this guy could just not want to be with you and be making up excuses to end it. You need to think how you have been with previous boyfriends and if they said the same thing then you might need to tone it down a bit or find someone as "clingy" as you! But try not to let this bother you too much! Him saying your clingy could just be his opinion! :) xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): It's the like others have said, wanting to spend all of your time togther and expecting your partner to meet too many needs, that you need to meet yourself? I have always been accused of being too clingly and ignored what my partners were saying, until now, cos I started to feel that if I didntn change I was going to end up single forever, cos I always got dumped for it.
I used to think the same as you 'we are meant to be there for eachother' and 'we should want to spend all our time togther.' I dont feel like that now as Ive realsied that I was being unreasonable and also the kind of guys I'm attracted to - strong willed, independent, artistic, interesting - just dont operate like that. So I've needed to change me. Now i find that when we have our space from eachother i dont miss him and i get grounded in my SELF and in my own life. It's good. I dont miss him but I look forward to seeing him. We see eachother most weekends and sometimes in the week, if there is time to do so.
I have to be honest here, i think you need to cahnge this. Build on your own sense of self more. I am naturally a clingy person but I've had to change as most people find that a turn off. It's like having a whiny child around or a needy puppy, eugh!! Also, most women dont like clingy men, sorry. Ihope this helps. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (6 June 2011):
 Even in relationships you can be too clingy - it is basically when you dont give each other enough space and become a bit needy/dependent on the other person.
It involves wanting to see your partner too much (you need to have days or evenings etc where you dont see each other so you can maintain some sense of individuality), phoning or texting your partner too much (it is very annoying when you have your partner phoning or texting all day every day, we all need some space and alone time without being pestered!). It can also involve being emotionally needy, so you require your partner to be there for you all the time, that you have problems all the time and you require your partner to sort these problems out for you.
Yes in relationships you are supposed to be close, spend time together, communicate and help each other through tough times - but being clingy is when you take that one step too far, when you cross that line from typical relationship behaviour to obsessive needy type behaviour.
Often jealousy goes hand in hand with being clingy - the clingy partner will get jealous if their partner goes out with friends, if they do things without the partner etc. They will be suspicious if their partner doesnt text them enough in the day, or if they ask for time alone.
The opposite of being clingy is being independent, and perhaps an individual who struggles to open up emotionally (not in all cases). Being independent means that you are happy alone, happy with yourself, you dont need anyone else in your life to sort your problems out or to be your emotional crutch. You dont have jealousy issues, trust issues, self-esteem issues etc - you are simply good at making yourself happy, and you dont need anyone else in your life to make you happy. Yes having a relationship can make you even happier, but you are pretty happy in the first place just as you are. It means that you are comfortable with your own company, that you dont need to be texting or chatting online 24/7, and most importantly - that you are your own person comfortable with your own identity and you dont 'need' anyone else in your life.
'Wanting' a relationship is fine, but the issues arise when you 'need' another person.
Keeping yourself slightly independent in a relationship is crucial - you need to have your own interests and hobbies, your own friends and time alone without your partner. You are not joined at the hip, and it is unhealthy to spend too much time together. Maintaining a sense of your own individuality will help a relationship work - it will mean you have more to talk about, more interests hence better conversations, time to deal with your own issues without projecting everything onto your partner...etc.
Just because you become a couple in a relationship does not mean that you stop becoming 2 seperate people, this whole 'we' culture has become a big problem and more and more couples are splitting up because of it. When one partner gets clingy, it drains the other partner as the clingy person becomes almost like a parasite - sucking the life out of the other person through their own 'needs'. The other partner grows tired of their clingy partner, they have nothing left to give to the relationship because the clingy one has sucked the life out of them, they forget why they loved their partner in the first place as all they see is a needy, clingy irratating person, and they start to forget who they are as a person, and can only see themself as part of this needy horrible couple. Once a person feels they are losing their individuality to someone clingy who is desperate for this 'we' (rather than 'me and you') culture, it is a scary thought that you are going to lose your identity and merge into one couple rather than being 2 seperate people. Hence why they foresee the future and initiate the break up before they lose any more of their identity.
Hope this explains a few things and good luck!
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (6 June 2011):
 too clingy is when you won't give your partner breathing space. it's a judgement that is often unfair because if you don't have that special feeling for a person then anything they do is too clingy. but some people are just too clingy regardless. don't fill the gap every time. wait for your partner to come to the party. if he won't then either you're too clingy or he's not so into the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (6 June 2011):
Hi there. Clingy would commonly be described as wanting to be together all the time - at every spare moment. Wanting to see her every single night.
The truth is, although you really like someone and would like to be together all the time, it just isn't healthy as each person in the relationship does need their own space.
To have their own space, implies each having their own friends and interests and hobbies. This gives balance to the relationship and also gives you something to talk about the next time you are together. It breathes fresh air into any relationship.
Besides, you each have your own families, friends, school or work. It simply isn't possible to spend all day every day together without a break. You would just annoy the hell out of each other as you wouldn't have a break from it. It could even feel a bit like a prison, in some way.
Perhaps you wanted to be with her all the time - every single day - and she might have felt that you were controlling her a bit. A loss of freedom.
The next time you meet a nice young lady, just take it as it comes, spend some time with your buddies, and just see your lady once or twice a week only. Then one phone call to her, during the week in between the two times.
You really will find it will flow a lot more smoothly in future. You'll probably be surprised by how well it works.
To spend too much time together, even as much as you like or love each other, can become stifling - like there's no fresh air. No-one needs that.
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