A
female
age
41-50,
*arah_mew
writes:I'm 32 years old and have been dating a guy for 3 months. We get along really well, he does everything "right" - ie texts and calls me every day, makes time to see me as often as possible, is kind and considerate. But something is missing. I am falling in love with him but I don't feel anything emotional back from him. When we're not together he tells me he misses me, when we're together we have fun, laugh together, and he tells me I'm gorgeous, great etc... But I just don't feel anything deeper from him. He has never once talked about our future together, where our relationship is heading. In the beginning we used to lay staring at each other, kissing and smiling and telling each other how much we liked each other, but he doesn't seem as affectionate any more. Six months ago he separated from his wife - they had the whole thing, marriage, house and a child together. His child is now 3 years old and is his whole world. I am happy to come second to his child, but it feels like I'm not even part of their world yet. He has said that he wants to take things slow because he doesn't want to make the same mistake again (ie as he did with his ex-wife). He jumped head first into things with her and later realised they were not right for each other.But we've been together 3 months, spending a lot of time together, and it feels like nothing is progressing. I don't know what he is waiting for. If he doesn't feel anything now, then I'm not sure what will change in the future. I want children of my own within the next couple of years but I don't even feel comfortable asking anything about our future together. But if he doesn't feel that we have long term potential then I would prefer to know sooner rather than later. Is it too early to ask him where we stand, where our relationship is going? Would it be foolish for me to ask him how he feels about me? Am I going to scare him off? If we've spent 3 solid months together and I still don't feel comfortable asking these sort of questions, is he the wrong one for me? Or am I being too impatient? I'm the sort of person who loves the romance of the early stages of a relationship, that feeling of falling in love, getting to know the other person deeply, being there for each other and expressing how I feel... most of the time I feel a bit sad and unfulfilled after I've seen him. Should I wait for someone I can share that experience with, or should I just be patient with him? Thanks for anyone who can help!
View related questions:
ex-wife, his ex, kissing, text, want children Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 May 2012):
 I think it is too early to ask him where this is going. It is also way too early to start wanting more than what you and him already have. You've got to remember the context in all of this. You and him are not gullible and naive 17- year olds who will throw themselves mindlessly into a romance and who don't have a care in the world.
He is a very recently divorced man who has already gone ahead TOO FAST with you. 3 months after his divorce and he's already hooked up with a new woman? When did he have time to get used to his new life, figure out what he wants, where he wants to go? He hasn't had time to figure out what he wants from new relationships, and probably he shouldn't even have entered one so soon. The least you can do now is go very slow, otherwise it might blow up on you.
The worst you can do is start pushing for more. Remember the context. Remember that this isn't just about you and him, it is also about his divorce, his ex-wife, his kids, his past life with a family, him entering a new stage of his life, him needing time to figure out what he wants etc.
3 months is nothing really. It's barely the beginning of a relationship. At 17-years old 3 months would seem like forever, but remember the context again: you are not teenagers. 3 months is just a quarter of a year, not a decade. 3 months as an adult makes this a fling that might turn into a relationship after a while. But for now.. this is just a romantic beginning and you need to wait it out to see where it might go.
Sure, you can talk about what YOU want out of relationships, and you can ask him if he has any thoughts about what he wants out of relationships in general. But do not pressure him on where this relationship is going, if he can see a future with you, if he'll marry again and have kids with you etc. That is waaaay too much pressure on a very very new relationship. Even if he hadn't just gotten divorced it'd be way too much to ask for.
I say give him a year. Then ask these questions.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): I can relate, I think most women can, about that wanting to know where you stand in a relationship. We need to know where we're going instead of just relaxing and enjoying the ride. Here's what I get from your post, he only separated from his wife 3 months before starting a relationship with you. Even though he wasn't with her, he's not done dealing with that relationship yet. I'm not saying that he still wants to be with her, but his indicating that he wants to go slow to avoid making the same mistakes screams that he's not emotionally ready to fuse himself to someone else just yet. That doesn't mean he won't be down the road. Obviously he enjoys your company or he wouldn't spend time with you. If you enjoy spending time with him as well, I would say to be patient and just have fun for now, don't worry about the concrete details for a few more months. Is it too early to ask him where you stand? I think you can establish if you're exclusive, but I don't think you need to establish that you're anything more than that (you don't need to plan the walk to the altar just yet or name your future children.) Would it be foolish to ask him how he feels about you? I think that if you want to tell him how YOU feel about HIM, that would be fine, but I wouldn't pressure him to make some grand declaration about his intentions/feelings for you. And should you tell him how you feel about him, you really have to be prepared for the response to be a simple "Thank You" and nothing more. If he hasn't opened himself up emotionally, being pressured into it won't make him do it any sooner than he's ready. I sympathize with you. There's no worse feeling than being with someone who isn't truly emotionally available in the way that you need them to be. If you otherwise enjoy his company, then I say give him a little more time. If you make it to the 9-12 month mark and still aren't getting your emotional needs met, then I would say cut him loose.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): You're 32, you're ready to settle down and have children, and you are aware your biological clock is ticking...However, he has just come out of a marriage with a young child 6 SIX months ago, which means he is needing TIME.Your 3 months have gone very well, and sound really healthy, but make sure you are not the rebound girl. Give him the necessary time to heal from his past, to learn from the mistakes, and to begin feeling something new, for you.So you have to be patient, just enjoy the moment, and go with the flow with him. Eventually in time, he may begin seeing the future again, which has had to drastically change from what he thought was forever, to ... right now.You need to determine how deeply you feel for him, and whether he is serious enough to wait for. Otherwise, move on and find someone who is eager to fall into romance and love as you, and wants to have the whole 9 yards.Good Luck!
...............................
|
