A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi All,Long story short, a woman I was dating for about 8 months and whom I supported financially and emotionally turned out to be using me and was seeing and sleeping with another man (who was separated but not divorced from his wife). I was crushed when I learned this (through email on my computer she was using which she left open). (Yes, I looked, but YOU try not looking when you see emails to your girlfriend with the subject line "I love you" and "Hey sexy.")But the worst part was that...she feels no remorse, no guilt, and won't discuss it with me. For example, I have sent her 10 emails, and she replied to just one, saying she was really busy and does not have tiem to respond.She has an off and on relationship with this other man now, and I am alone, left with all the memories and hurt and anger. If she felt guilt and said she was sorry, I could move on. But the injustice of it all kills me. I do not understand how a human being can do this, cheating on someone who you were asking for assistance with so many things. But more than this, I do not understand how someone could NOT FEEL ANY REMORSE. Not a note, not a heart felt apology. Nothing.I am a very gentle person (perhaps too gentle which is why she left me) but I have fantasized about taking revenge. I cannot come up with anything really because I have a mental block against violence and more than that I do not think anything would really hurt her.I've been to a therapist but it has not helped. Has anyone experienced something like this? How do you move on when there is no closure?With much appreciation,Billy
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male
reader, GT66  +, writes (13 March 2012):
Human interactions often offer little closure. Relationships fail, friends drift apart, families fight, etc. Unfortunately for you, you found a hitchhiker - a person using another as a vehicle to get some place else. Yes, these people are vermin. And yes, they have a keen ability to find the good, giving types that take people at face value.
That said, one reason that you are taking this so hard is because you are defining yourself and your happiness by this other person. Resist that urge. Work towards feeling good about yourself in your own skin. Learn that alone does not mean lonely. Resist defining yourself by others and get out there and live! Get involved in anything and everything that interests you and that you have time for. Be social (men tend to be more solitary than women and letting that go too far creates a hermit) and don't stew over the past: the relationship you thought you had never existed as it was something *you* created in your head and applied to another. Live, brother, live!
Go read up on MGTOW. Maybe it will help you realize that not only aren't you alone, yours isn't even the worst case and despite what has happened, you can and will come out a better and happier man. Good luck!
A
female
reader, Fate100percent  +, writes (11 March 2012):
Good luck, acceptance that you won't get closure from her is the start to moving on and time really does heal most wounds.
xx
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A
male
reader, Billy_Canada +, writes (11 March 2012):
It's the OP again.
Thanks again. When someone treats you bad I guess it's simple to say 'maybe it's me' but I am reassurred that there are still people who have moral compasses.
Thanks for the wisdom.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 March 2012):
 OP, it's a bit naive expecting or demanding long explanations or justifications from the person who screwed you up. There's always a simple answer to " why did you do this to me ? " the answer is : " Because I wanted to. Because it was simple, easy and convenient , and you let me do it ".
Would you want a letter of explanation from a guy that just stole your wallet , or that just sold you the Brooklyn Bridge ? They did it because they wanted money without having to earn it, - or because they had a bridge that just screamed to be sold to the first gullible person they were going to meet.
You want her to act like a person who CARES ( explain,feel sorry , apologize, justify... ) but if she had cared she would not have screwed you up in the first place, right ?
Live and learn, OP, and don't ever think that , just because in a given situation, you'd do "X" , everybody else would feel compelled to do "X".
People are different, there are good people and bad people, some are compassionate and some are devoid of compassion, some are loyal and some are disloyal.
We all are bound to meet some sample of the bad type, sooner or later, and we may want to take it not as a chance to freak out and lose our faith in humanity , but as an encouragement to learn how to make choices and how to not repeat the mistakes that may have put us in a bad situation.
For instance, I see that all your relationship lasted 8 months, and by then you already had done cartwheels to assist her financially and otherwise. Mmmmm... wasn't it a bit too early ? all this trust and help to a person which you don't know that much ?....
I am saying this not to make you feel like a fool, OP, everybody makes mistakes in evaluating people,- but to stress how in life most everything is a case of buyer beware. We can't go through life pretending that it's wonderland and there are no bad guys ( or girls ) - now you know it officially and that will make you more aware for the future. Thank her mentally for having taught you an useful lesson, and let her go- this is all the closure you need.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): You want a quick fix for the hurt, there is none and that's the brutal truth.
Count yourself as lucky that you found out what an individual she is, you can sever the ties completely but my guess is what she has with this man doesn't come close to the reliability she found with you and once that is gone, she will start trying to claw her way back into your affections.
Life is tough bro, there are people in this world that are CALLOUS and as you have found out to your cost and I'm sorry for you.
But now it is time for you to start a fresh, this is a blessing wrapped in hurt, a chance for you to use the time in this one precious life you have to move on and hopefully find someone you can share things with.
you want to waste precious time waiting for this CALLOUS woman to call you a call and say she's sorry? she's not sorry and neither should you be.
Fate gave you a way out, be free and be a man and live your life. SHE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU! YOU DESERVE BETTER!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): Yes!!! a friend of mine was dating this supposed to be lady... she dumped him with no explaination, he thought everything was fine but she was seeing another guy...my friend supported her financially, emotionally, you name it he did it for her, he felt better by talking with me days and nights about her, i was like his therapist because i know the cold hearted B'''' do you have a close friend you can talk to at anytime, i was up all night listening to my friend because he couldn't sleep...i had him to cut off all communication lines with her like texts, emails,and facebook because that made her feel good knowing that he was sending her these messages and she wouldn't respond.He went thru a lot after that breakup, this supposed to belady does some unbelievable $h..Anytime a women can break off a 2 year relationship just like that... she didn't care for him in the first place it was all about the money because she doesn't feel any pain. If you really want to know if a women loves you... put her to a test and cut off the finance and see if she still love you. And by the way i bought my friend some tart cherrie juice to help him sleep and it did.I feel your pain
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A
male
reader, Billy_Canada +, writes (11 March 2012):
Hi All,
I am the original poster. I thank you so much for your advice and support. I cannot understand how she feels - if she feels - how her mind works. If she were to have been honest with me and sat down to talk and then broken up it would have been different. But there is something sinister about someone who takes and leaves and then does not feel any guilt to push her to explain or communicate.
Anyway, enough complaining here. It's gonna be tough, but I like what the poster who said the closure has to come from within me. I'll see if I can do that.
Thank you all so much again.
Billy
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A
male
reader, MrWombat  +, writes (11 March 2012):
 Accept that in the movie of her life, you never were her leading man, her co-star. Her hero. That was this other guy. You were a supporting actor, your job was to pay the bills and be "receptive listener" so she could monologue.
Leave her. Financially, emotionally - go make your own movie. Doesn't need to be a romance, either.
There is no "closure". Just move on.
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A
female
reader, Fate100percent +, writes (11 March 2012):
Yes, I have (but not quite to the extremes you've experienced), and I'm sure hundreds of people have...I know what you mean about closure, but SHE IS NOT GOING TO GIVE IT TO YOU...Therefore, you just have to learn to accept it, and give yourself closure. (Maybe she does feel quilty but chooses to ignore your emails as it's easier to block her guilt out...maybe she doesn't give a flying f*ck?)What purpose would revenge give you? Not much in the long run, you would be stooping to her level!How miserable is it making you going over and over and over it time and time again? How time consuming?Time to take control, accept you met a bitch, she screwed you over, and is still doing it even when you aren't together anymore! Why are you giving her so much power? Look at it like this, you can whine and moan about her till the cows come home, will it change what's happened? Not a bloody chance!!And whilst you're using up all your energy on her, you could be missing out on someone who is perfect for you.Oh and maybe try another therapist, maybe you just didn't click with the one you've got? x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): It might be painful to talk with her and if she won't talk to you then it will be hard to get an explanation if that is what you're looking for. Sometimes talking about a betrayal like this can help I think and sometimes it can bring more hurt.. I suspect that she is not mentally normal- add whatever term you want to use here: bipolar, borderline, sociopath, because most people will feel some guilt over using someone like this. She should have the decency to at the least say I'm sorry.
Over time you may have many mini shock waves as you realize that she wasn't at all the person she probably presented herself to be. I hope time will help you to feel better, hopefully your love for her was not the kind that lasts a lifetime, that way you will feel better eventually.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 March 2012):
 SHE doesn't need to give YOU closure.... THAT is something that YOU can generate from within......
Move on with your life and try your darndest to forget this unpleasant chapter. You'll feel better soon... I guarantee it!!!!
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A
female
reader, JAMR +, writes (10 March 2012):
 I'm sorry to hear about you situation... It can't be easy :( You say you want closure... but what kind of closure are you looking for? Do you have questions that you want answered? You want to know why all of this happened?... I can understand how heart aching these unanswered questions can be, I know how you feel, when you need to move on from someone and you just don't know how to live without that person being a special priority in your life. It's a lucky chance when someone is privileged with the moment to be able to ask those questions and receive the answers... But, I think you have to really think about what you are looking for here... when people want answers to questions, and particular answers that will probably bring more heart ache, these answers aren't going to give you real closure, the closure that you are actually looking for in order to move on, but instead the answers would just be fuelling the already lit fire that is causing the hurt inside of you. They will give you another reason, another bit of hope, another flare of anger. If you get answers they will just end up being used as a tool to try to figure out what you did wrong, if there was another that you could have done differently or you might even use those answers to try to mend the relationship and none of those scenarios will be good for you... Here is a quote that I found a while back, that I believe to be fitting for this situation for wanting someone to justify and explain why they do what they do. "If other people do not understand our behavior—so what? Their request that we must only do what they understand is an attempt to dictate to us. If this is being "asocial" or "irrational" in their eyes, so be it. Mostly they resent our freedom and our courage to be ourselves. We owe nobody an explanation or an accounting, as long as our acts do not hurt or infringe on them. How many lives have been ruined by this need to "explain," which usually implies that the explanation be "understood," i.e. approved. Let your deeds be judged, and from your deeds, your real intentions, but know that a free person owes an explanation only to himself—to his reason and his conscience—and to the few who may have a justified claim for explanation.”...Finally, and I apologize for such a long reply but I hope you find help in it somewhere and understand that you're not alone. It's just that, people think that closure starts with someone else... needing answers and needing to know why and needing to know what the other person was and is thinking, but the truth is that closure beings with YOU! You are a great person and I know that you must have a lot of heart ache and everyone has been there but you need to understand that SHE is the person who wronged the relationship, which I know you are aware, and you really don't need any more justification or answers from her because her behaviour displays her true intentions and that is all you should need to move on. Just no that you don't deserve that treatment or deceit, you really are worth a great relationship and don't worry about loosing her... because SHE is the one who lost a great and loyal guy. As easy as all of these things are to say and think, I assure you that they are very true to life. I hope I helped put your mind a ease a little bit, if not, i'm always around to chat and hear your story if you need an ear! Good luck!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 March 2012):
 Closure is overrated and almost as rare as a unicorn. Almost.
She can't give you closure, because she doesn't give a flying fart about people, she knows how to use and manipulate them, but actually care? She has no clue. Honestly, NOTHING she can say to you will make you understand her actions. Why? Because she lives by a whole other set of "rules" and morals then you. It's like apples and oranges. They are both fruit, but that is about all they have in common.
The closure will have to come from within you. Accept that you dated a woman, who used you and then ditched you. Accept that you made a mistake. She was your mistake. LEARN from it. Forgive yourself for making a bad choice in women. Forgive yourself for not "seeing" her for what a piece of crap human being she really is.
Revenge is a lovely thought after a break up or during a break up, but in reality it's like peeing your pants in a snowstorm to keep warm. It might feel good for 10 seconds, after that it's endless regrets.
Living well will be your revenge, finding happiness with a REAL HONEST TO GOODNESS GOOD woman is revenge. Forgetting her and forgiving yourself is revenge.
Live life, learn from mistakes and don't repeat them. And above all let the past go and don't linger on regrets.
Think about tomorrow and the endless possibilities and let her wallow in her shallow pool of no morals and feelings.
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A
female
reader, CokieCookie +, writes (10 March 2012):
Some poeple really are just robots. She didn't care when she was doing it and she doesn't care now that its out in the open. I agree with Blonde86, time is the healer. You need to accept that this girl wasn't right for you if she was capable of doing that. Just keep yourself occupied and you will begin to heal.
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A
female
reader, Blonde68 +, writes (10 March 2012):
Oh boy do I feel for you, and know exactly what you are feeling right now and my heart goes out to you!
The best revenge I can suggest is for you to ignore her, and try and move on. Unfortunately when in this kind of situation, time is the only healer. You will wake thinking about her, and go to bed thinking about her, and also think about her about a 100 times throughout the day... its natural, but like I said, time is the only healer.
You will look back one day and think how fortunate you were to escape this horrible heartless woman.... seriously, you will! I am sure she will get hurt too eventually, when this guy has got over the thrill of having an affair and is never going to leave his wife and that she was just an easy F***!!
Try and spend as much time as you can with friends or doing a hobby, or forcing yourself out there and having some fun nights out.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (10 March 2012):
 Hi Billy, your closure is that she is not a good woman to you and you deserve a woman who loves you for who you are, and not take money from you. Revenge does not work because she is very likely a product of men who used her and therefore thought that to get back she has to use men. You could move on even if she did not acknowledge her wrongs. You feel like you have to lecture her. To make sure she does not do it again, do it to another man again. Very likely the world is full of users without conscience and it is up to you to pick a woman wisely. The way to get closure is to admit and accept that this woman never loved you, and to promise yourself never to lend a helping hand to a woman until you are sure she is worth it.
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