A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ive been dating my girlfriend off and on for two years. We are both in our 40's and she is a couple of years older than me and has two grown up kids. We get on really great and spend a lot of time together, although we don't live together. She is a kind and caring woman and very good to me but she is a little overweight, not much, only about 10lbs, but it's really bugging me. Ive made a few hints by telling her that I think shes a bit heavy and I know this embarasses her, but I feel I have to keep on or she will never lose the weight. She says she is happy with the way she looks, but I am not happy.I am wondering if I should start dating other people as this might force her into going on a diet, if she thinks I might leave her. I met her through internet dating and I could very easily start meeting other women. If she knew how close I was to doing this, I am sure she would change her mind. What else can I do to get her to lose weight?
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male
reader, silvershocker123 +, writes (22 May 2009):
You are absoulutely right she would lose....not her weight although that might be an after thought. What i meant by loosing is YOU. If you are that shallow then you should go out with one of those insecure woman who would not only throw-up after every dinner but tell you to get a washboard abs.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a girl who is comfortable with her look.... well very hard and you should be happy with her, not try to change who she is to fit your taste
A
male
reader, ez4u2say +, writes (22 May 2009):
I am a man and I think you need your ass kicked. 10lbs wow really overweight. What if you got overweight, had an accident and was disfigured what would she say your ugly now I don't want you? I think not and you need to realize how lucky you really are.
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A
female
reader, 48years  +, writes (22 May 2009):
 Manimal is right. Looks do matter. It's a fact of life.
However, anytime anyone posts a question asking how can they change someone else, I just laugh.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): Ha-ha! You really kicked over a hornet’s nest, buddy. Unfortunately, all THESE hornets are women. And every woman--no matter how skinny or beautiful--has an inner fat girl. It's true (and cute, actually). You better run and jump in the lake (like in the cartoons).
You have to understand that this website is skewed heavily toward female advice. So kellyxxx is right. You're unlikely to get any help here. But if you were a girl and had asked how to get your lazy, broke, unemployed, loser boyfriend to get his ass off the couch and get a job I assure you that you would have gotten another type of response. That’s the way the rice cake crumbles, I'm afraid.
I’m a regular poster on this website and I’m posting this answer anonymously to avoid the wrath of the estrogen queens (and kings) on this website.
Look, we’re men. Men place a high value on beauty. It’s instinct, it's nature. Women place a high value on other qualities, like solvency and charm. We don't go critizing you women for staying a mile away from every awkward nerd or broke-ass loser. We know how it is.
If you’d like your girlfriend a lot more if she were fit, then you’re doing the right thing in trying to achieve it. If you’re just jerking her around and don’t love anything else about her, then I’d say you look for a thinner girlfriend elsewhere. There are plenty of them around. And, if you're actually a catch yourself, you should have no problem replacing her. No matter how skinny or fat, be respectful to your current girlfriend. Don’t go two-timing.
People (women AND men) have to be conscious of their own appearance. Frankly, I think it’s irresponsible to let yourself go just because you’re in a long-term relationship. This "accept me as I am" non-sense is among the most meaningless, hollow statements ever. Come on, we’re constantly judging one another in relationships whether we care to admit it or not. If YOU all of sudden became something less desirable to YOUR partner, she would become less attracted to you. Let's be realistic.
If you want your girlfriend to actually lose weight you should get involved. Don’t be an a-hole about it. You can be direct and say that you think she would look and feel better if she were fitter. Or, you can be indirect, and just encourage healthier behavior by having you BOTH do it.
I have a friend who’s a master at this. To my knowledge, he’s ONLY dated overweight girls. They start off chubby and he slims them down. It's actually kind of amazing. He always claimed (jokingly) that he should open up a business and that he’s doing a good deed for the world, since he’s improving the girls' self-image, and helping himself in the process. The way he does it is simple: he sets goals for the BOTH of them. They come up with a fitness schedule and diet and, before you know it, they both look better.
He recently married one of these girls--a woman he loved, but who was a hefty 160 lbs (at 5’0”) when he met her. He accepted everything about her, EXCEPT that she needed to be that weight. I think she’s around 105 now. She looks and feels great. And he feels great about having her other great qualities on a smaller frame. Less, as they say, is more.
-Manimal
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): do both you and her a favor and start seeing other people.if you can't love her and accept her for who she is,then let her find someone who can.
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A
female
reader, Olivia(Y).  +, writes (21 May 2009):
 HOW SHALLOW ARE YOU?
Your ment to love this woman no matter what! Looks don't come into it, its personality that matters.
If shes happy with how she looks then you shouldn't want to change her! She doesn't live to please you matety!
You don't deserve this woman, you really don't. I'm abit over weight but i would rarther look like this than a stick.
Livia
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): You don't deserve her, end of story. You should absolutely go date other women, so that she is free to find another guy who isn't a complete cad. I guarantee she will thank you for it in the long run.
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A
female
reader, Jesshton +, writes (21 May 2009):
 I can't help but agree with all of the responses that have been posted! 10 pounds...REALLY!!! And I am sure that you are just PERFECT. Have you ever thought that maybe...just maybe...there is something about YOU that she is disgusted by? You more than likely have a little extra baggage around the middle and a receeding hairline yourself. You go right ahead and date other women...you will be doing huge service to the both or you. She will lose the weight...get rid of you and you will find someone else who is quick to point your flaws out to you!!!!!
Good luck Romeo!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): the very people accusing you of being a *astard have also condoned other peoples affairs. so self righteous we all are.
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A
female
reader, Gem86 +, writes (21 May 2009):
 I seriously hope this question is a joke.
I have been on the receiving end of a boyfriend who thought i was a 'little overweight'. He would tell me frequently how he thought I needed to lose weight (I feel I should add here that I was a UK size 12). It turned me into a self conscious mess, who ended up with no confidence whatsoever. I honnestly believe the experience will effect my views of my body for life.
I think you would be doing her a great favour by dating someone else and leaving her to her own life where she's happy with the way she looks (before you have the chance to do any damage).
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A
female
reader, sbarr10 +, writes (21 May 2009):
So you think by dating others she will get jealous and be motivated to drop the weight out of some desperate attempt to hang on to you? How old did you say you were?
If having a perfect body was a requirement in your relationship why didn't you state that in the beginning?
If she is kind and caring and good to you it doesn't sound like you deserve her. She has raised two kids, and she'll function just fine without you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): Does Shallow Hal ring a bell!!! If you really "cared" for her this wouldn't be an issue so maybe she'd be better off without you if 10 lbs. is that revolting, OMG!!!!!
Sorry to be so harsh but it really seems like your really making a big deal out of nothing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): Britt said it perfectly!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): You can't force her to do anything! And by insulting her the way you have, it could cause stress-binging!
As others have told you, with that attitude, you will be doing her a favor by dating someone else! Yeah she may lose weight if you hurt her badly enough! But hopefully once she does, she will find someone who loves her for who she is and not for her perfect weight.
Careful, you may find the woman who looks great and your arm, but rips your heart out!
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A
female
reader, pebble +, writes (21 May 2009):
 It's men like you that destroy women's confidence and make them feel like they will never be good enough for anyone. You're not going to get any nice replies here I'm afraid.If your partner is happy with her weight then leave her the hell alone. Surely you don't want her to be unhappy with her body? What kind of controlling manipulator would that make you? Do you have any idea how women work at all?Clearly not.10lbs is nothing. You would barely notice any difference if she lost that much. And surely you're a little old for these stupid, immature games? I would of thought men your age actually have some grasp on how to treat a woman the way she deserves to be treated.Again, clearly not.My advice to you would be leave the poor woman to live her life and find a man herself that knows how to treat a lady properly. Go back to your Internet dating (it's quite obvious why you cannot meet women in real life if this is your attitude) and hopefully you'll find someone who will be strong enough to tell you where you can shove your comments about their weight. Or maybe they'll leave you because your hair's getting a bit thin on the top or your penis is too small - that would be some fantstic karma.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 May 2009):
 I think you would be doing her a very big service by dating someone else. You have it right, I'm sure she would change her mind about a lot of things.
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A
female
reader, jayne_staaa +, writes (21 May 2009):
oh my god your poor girlfriend you should accept her watever she weighs your a horrible man and if i was ur gf i would have left a while ago, btw you thinkin datin other women will help nah way it wont help at all she'l just go reaching for ice cream or chocolate cos she aint gettin comfort off you, your a cold man u hummiliate her and you make her feel not good enough and in sucha media crazy world anyway do you not think she has enough pressure to be a good mum and look good with out your critisisms.
she feels good about herself and good for her you as her boyfriend should be there for her make her feel special and wanted. if you keep this up you'll be single.
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A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (21 May 2009):
 Although I do not support your thinking on the matter, maybe doing dates that involve a little bit more physical activities could help. Walk in the park, swimming, hiking etc..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): jesus christ if you think abt dating other women just bcs she's lbs overweight then do both of you a favour and walk away.she needs someone who loves her the way she is and makes her feel good abt herslef that's what love is supposed to be abt.what if she said something of this sort abt you?you're not perfect,are you?
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (21 May 2009):
 You are being totally selfish, don't expect any help from this site. If anyone else reads this I'm sure they'll feel the same! Accept her as she is! 10lbs is nothing!!!
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