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male
age
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*holeness
writes:I am a middle-aged man, I have a daughter who was born when I was in my teens. Her mother and I were High school sweet hearts and I loved her very much. My daughters mother was unfaithful to me many times, I tried to make it work but I could no longer tolerate the situation. One day I came home early and I caught her with another guy; I took my clothes and left. At the door as I was leaving she told me that if I left I would never see my child again. She was right, when my daughter got older, she contacted me and I tried to start a relationship with her. Recently I have been told that she wants nothing to do with me; I did not understand why. Then a person who knows her and her mother told me a story that was shocking to me. My understanding of the story is that my daughter and her mother came to the city where I was living and while they were here the mother told my daughter that some junky they saw on the street was me. Fact is; since my daughter has never seen me she had no way of knowing wether it was me or not. Now I am at a loss, there is no way to tell her that it was not me...I refuse to tell her that her mother was a tramp at the time she was ho who lied and stole and made it impossible to be with her. I would not only look like an ass if I did but it us beneath me to run her down. It hurts me deeply, how can I bridge this terrible predicament? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (31 January 2011):
 hi
get in contact with her. either directly by writing (and enclose a photo of yourself so she can see you!) if you have her address, or via the mutual friend who is the one that told you about the junky thing. explain to her that you heard about the 'mistake', explain to her also why you have not seen her in all these years coz i suspect she will be very interested to hear your reasons. be diplomatic. you are a stranger to her, she will not appreciate you bad-mouthing her mother, so whatever your opinion is about the woman, don't share it with your daughter
xx
A
male
reader, Advice_man  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 My man...i sympathise, sad story. You are too, another victim of female manipulation. You sound like a reasonable, mature adult. You stick to your beliefs and values and you left when you had to because it was the right thing to do. Do the same now, do the right thing: Meet with your daughter and tell her the truth, "softly". For instance don't call her mother a trump...tell her instead that you left because you had communication and morality issues with her which is not a lie. Talk to her about you and your life and give her enough clues to realize herself that you could not be the "junky at the street". Best wishes!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): My heart goes out to you...it sounds like a really painful situation.
Please don't give up on contacting your daughter. If she's 18 by now, she should be easy to look up. My suggestion is to write and send her a letter.
I would explain the biography of your life and where you are now and tell her you would like relationship with her.
One thing I would be careful not to do is speak badly about her mother. Obviously your recollection and the mother's account will differ, but if you spend a lot of energy recounting her mother's issues, she will think you sent the letter to discredit her mother, rather than make contact with her. She might react badly to that...
Obviously, her mother is using her as a pawn to keep you at bay and to keep herself from remembering her own faults. She is the one with the issues, but please don't make them yours when you write her.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (30 January 2011):
sorry to hear of this awful situation. Unfortunately I think the best you can do is try to contact your daughter to tell your side of the story, and just leave it at that even if she doesn't believe you.
As your kid's dad you have always had legal rights to see your child, and you didn't fight for her all these years. Until now. She must be feeling a lot of resentment because her father didn't fight for her and now years after not being in her life suddenly he wants to have some sort of relationship?
Your daughter may eventually come around and be willing to have a relationship with you, but realize this may not happen until she is very much older and more mature and thus more of her own person who can make her own conclusions without her mother's influence.
My grandfather walked out on his family when my mom and her siblings were young. He literally abandoned them for reasons of his own (having to do with my mom's mother), and they never saw him. Three decades later my mom reconciled with him and he's now part of the family again. But it took over thirty years for this to happen, and some of her siblings still reject him or are just civil to him at best.
You can't force someone to have a relationship with you especially if you weren't a part of their life for a very long time. so I think the best you can do is to contact your daughter and tell her your side of the story but leave it at that and if it means not being a part of her life because she doesn't want you in her life, then you need to accept that.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 How could you just leave and not even look back on your daughter all these years? Let me get this right..you just left after that incident, never came back and started life again in a new city?? HOW??? How is that even possible in one go? You never once met your daughter while she was growing up?
You knew your ex wasn't exactly the best influence...and you left your child to be raised by this woman. Did you actually think that in all these yrs she would sing songs of your glory?? NO! Of course not!! If you walked out on your wife and daughter that day and never looked back, you are the bad guy for your daughter, not her mother. I'm sorry, I know thats not what u want to hear, but think of it from your daughter's point of view. Her father abandoned her. It doesn't matter if you're the King of England now, why would she accept you??
You can tell her the truth now...but I doubt if it will help now. If you still want to, tell her the truth without any bitterness and hope for the best
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): I would contact your daughter. Writing a letter is a good idea. Explain what happened but don't speak ill of her mother. She may have resentment for you because you weren't there for her. If you want a relationship with her now, the first step is to make contact and see what happens. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): First of all, shame on you for not going to see your daughter sooner :/By law, you have the right to see that child, so I guess it's all your fault in a way, it seems you're ready to do something about this, then do it. Your daughter's mother sounds like a total bitch, but you can't do much about that, you have the right to see that child, go.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): You know the answer. Make the difference between "Nice" and "Stupid". You get to know where you daugter is, You write her a letter where you describe the events that led to that situation. Factual. You don't need to say her mother was a tramp (a part of her probably knows that, the part that did not learned to be a tramp), just tell her when where and with whom she f.. had sex. Find her, stop her in the street, ask her "are you ....? -Yes, who the fuck are you? - Just read this, you can contact me then if you want" Give the letter, say good bye and leave. DO IT FOR YOUR DAUGHTER. You don't want her to end up like your ex. She will probably not answer or contact you back because she has learned to think selfishly from her mother. But at least she will know you are not some random junkie.
And one day, maybe years later depending how you wrote that letter, when she will ask herself questions about life, about the right and the wrong, she may, maybe, get an hint of the pain you are feeling about not knowing her, and decide to contact you back.
Don't hope or wish for anything, just do the right thing and move on with your life.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (30 January 2011):
 Tell her the truth. Don't use words like tramp or hoe. Your daughter probably thought you didn't care about her enough, as if your pride of being a man was more important than the welfare of the baby. Her mother is distorting facts in order not to lose reputation as a mother, also to relieve her guilt of severing ties between father and daughter. You can't force your daughter to suddenly become interested in you. But you can take care of her basic needs. She may need money for a car, an apartment. You can start from there and then talk to her more, and show her who you really are. Try not to talk about the past so quickly. Keep the conversations light and casual. You would probably want to vent your feelings but her feelings is priority. The focus should not be on defending your behavior in the past. Be really curious about her life and her happiness. Only tell her what happened in the past once she gets over herself and the pain of abandonment, being unwanted. Do your best and don't be too hard on yourself.
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male
reader, RayBones +, writes (30 January 2011):
 $h^t man that is f@*ked up! That is like saying how can you save a fart in a tornado. I gotta say that maybe the best move for you, to save yourself the most pain is to move on. Your daughter is grown, so she won't ever bond with you the way people "fantasize" about father-daughter relationships.
I know it isn't a nice and probably not a popular answer but what would your life look like if you just threw in the towel? And if you can't do that, what is it you are hoping to get out of a rapport with your daughter?
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male
reader, dannn +, writes (30 January 2011):
Sounds pretty rough, you have my condolences. Now who am I to give advice but I like your approach on not wanting to taint her mothers image, (although I'm sure the truth has got to come out somehow). First off I'd try and meet with your daughter, whether by getting mutual friends to invite her or yourself, nothing will dismantle the junky image of her "father" than you taking her out for a nice dinner looking very presentable. As for how things at dinner go, that's in your court, I'm sure you'll have the tact to be honest while also maintaining everyones respect. I don't know the situation from when you left to when she's older but that might be some other issue that can be discussed.
Good luck! and hope things work out for the better!
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (30 January 2011):
I don't get way don't you want to tell her the truth about her mother. Or, at least show up so she can see who you really are. I guess your daughter is old enough, already.
You could, at least tell to your daughter that you won't talk about her mother. But you have the right to be judged by her, from the things you can show her about you. And that you deserve the chance to let her know who you really are.
Then, she will see be her own who is her mother.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): why not write your daughter a letter. Tell her the truth and explain the whole lie about you being a tramp. Explain to her that things between her mum and you never worked out but you would like to at least have the chance to meet her and tell her your side of the story. Tell her that she can ask any questions about things and give her a way to contact you. good luck.
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A
female
reader, Shae15 +, writes (30 January 2011):
Iv never met my dad and never lived with my mum i would do anything to find him my mum told me so much lies about him and i hated him for a while untill one day i thought that i should make up my own mind about him im still looking for him and wont stop your daughter will relise she needs her dad and contact u im sure keep ya head
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female
reader, AuntyMaur  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 I dislike people whom use thier own children as tools to avenge the other parent.
I would write a letter, make a copy, reegister it and send it to your daughter. Tell the truth nothing but the truth but no mallice towards the mother.
So much time has aready been lost- nothing will change the fact that you are her father. Dont give up!
If no reply write another letter- keep persisting.
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