A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm married and have a baby but I've been attracted to this woman at work for a few years, and I believe she is attracted to me as well. I don't plan on breaking my marriage vows, but I can't get her off my mind. Any suggestions on how to stop these strong feelings I have for her? Please help because I don't want this to affect my marriage especially now since we have a child.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): ...all good advice - thanks! Fear not though, for as long as I remain rather shy and slightly lacking in self-confidence (due to my domestic circumstances perhaps) and the fact that this woman I fancy is also a little shy (either that or she does not have a soft spot for me in return) then the chances are that nothing will happen. This is certainly my problem and not hers. Even if I don't end up spending some 'passionate quality time' with her I really hope that she's at least thinking about me. I'll take that. It's a close second and may have to suffice. Her car could do with a wash - I'd love to do that for her. Would look a little bit suspicious though if I'm outside in the car-park at work with a sponge in my hand when I should be in the office sending e-mails, faxes and so forth! Anyway, I barely know how to seduce an available woman, let alone one who may be happily married. She's a red head by the way - and I know there are plenty of those in Ireland - to be sure!
A
female
reader, tickleyourfancy  +, writes (18 May 2008):
Think about what you could lose and what would happen if something started and got discovered, how having two relationships would affect you and your family life. Focus your mind on that.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): ...chances are I'll make a play for her though... ;o)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): Thanks, Birdy. I am a nice guy indeed - and you sound like a very well rounded and experienced lady. I'll let you know what happens...
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (8 May 2008):
 Most welcome anonymous!!! I guess you got that I was redirecting to you as well as the poster, and yes, it would be nice to hear back from them! I hope that you can come to terms with this pull that you feel towards your colleague. The "grass is always greener" *of course* and our minds do tend to run amok at this time of year!
Hope things work out for you, and as far as the flirting goes, Stop That! Flirting as an ego boost is Okay by me! It's the Safest Sex there is, as a matter of fact. Flirting with INTENT is emotional cheating and not cool. The card giving, especially planning to give another card next year, (whatsupwiththat?), is part of that. You are keeping YOURSELF titillated by this game playing, and the predisposition and the intent of what you are doing is what YOU have to talk yourself OUT of doing every time you think about it. If you do it with intent, it's wrong every time. I can tell you, if your wife found out, she would have a hole the size of a freight train in her chest with the wind rushing through it, because that's how it feels when your heart is broken.
By the way, I much prefer a three course meal cooked by my husband (who has a Master Chef and several other chefs working for him) and accompanying wines for each course, and later, a nice multiple "dessert", LOL, if you get what I'm trying to say! Hey - It's nice work, if you can get it AND Stick With It, Honey...
You sound like a nice guy, I wish you the strength of character to turn out to be one of those few good men". "If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself. The dreams will come to you." - Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture. The secret of that elusive thing, happiness, is appreciating what you already have and being grateful and thankful for it, every single day, even when you've just had a fight or the money isn't in the checking account.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): you need to talk to your partner....something is obviously not right - so either decide to define the issue and work on it together (surely your partner deserves the chance) OR you should seperate ( I wonder if the grass would stay green at work for long?)
you are already breaking your vows if you are flirting/sending valentines cards etc to someone else - that is as much cheating as f@*%ing!
If you are sincere about not wanting to cheat - you need to get counselling AND leave your current workplace/not see that OW at all.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): ...and not to mention that she may be happily married of course!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): Thanks, Birdynumnums! About time the original poster of the question gave us an update from his side. I don’t know about you but I await with baited breath! Meanwhile I guess that if one truly loves one’s partner/spouse then the tendency to become involved with someone else (from either a physical or emotional perspective – or both!) is somewhat reduced. Bit of a cliché but if I was brutally honest I reckon that the woman I’ve fancied at work for 3.5 years (and counting!) potentially could ‘complete me’ whereas my partner of 11 years seems to be a female version of me. Perhaps I love her more as a friend whereas this woman at work could be someone I could fall/am falling in love with in the ‘traditional sense’. Anyway, as you say, for as long as the head is able to continue ruling the heart then the best interests of the children will be at the forefront of my mind. Only trouble is that this woman at work is always on my mind – and that’s fine by me....another cliché there to round off a surprisingly warm UK day in May. P.S. Hell, she’s probably already having an affair with some other guy or she definitely does not fancy me in return. Problem solved then....or not as the case may be. P.P.S. In my 2008 Valentine card to her I did not write a poem but I did specifically mention that I’d be sending her a poem next year. And I will – unless in the meantime she clearly – or ambiguously - indicates to me that she’s flattered by the attention but would not like to take the matter further. I like to drag these things out – far more romantic for the ladies don’t you think? After all, what tastes nicer, a beef stew that’s been slowly simmering all day in the oven or some quick and easy stir-fry? I think you know what I’m trying to say!!
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female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (6 May 2008):
I thought that you might enjoy this old joke.
When I first got married, I kept a picture of my wife in my pocket. Every time my head was turned by someone else, I took out the picture of my wife. Then a few years passed and the photograph didn't work so well. I took the picture of my wife out of my pocket, and I was still tempted to stray. So I took a picture of my house, my boat, my Porsche and my kids, and then I tore it in half. Now, every time I am tempted, I just pull out that picture of half my stuff and my torn-apart family and suddenly, I'm not tempted any more!
You can view this as an inevitability or as a deliberate choice (which I believe you already made in the form of vows). This column is like having a little angel on one shoulder and a little devil on the other, isn't it? Not every man strays. That is YOUR choice and it WILL impact your future.
WHICH reminds me of ANOTHER old joke?
Why do men have the habit of giving their penises Nicknames?
Because they don't want to go around for their entire lives having ALL of their decisions made by a total stranger!!!
These are really old jokes, so forgive me if you've heard them before. Apparently, no one likes an auntie who lectures, so I thought that a bit of humor might help. I have to say, I have been in this situation and managed to avoid it, mostly by reminding myself why I married my husband in the first place. For some reason, I always noticed that if I was attracted to someone, I could generally narrow it down to a certain quality about that person - and it was always a quality that my husband possessed in abundance. It usually became apparent to me that this person reminded me of my spouses good qualities and there was a reason why I was attracted to this type of person, and then when I saw them again, I tended to think of that comparison and then of my spouse - at the very least it put my husband at the forefront of my mind when my flesh was weak.
Not every feeling is meant to be explored or become a meaningful union. That's very romantic thinking for a guy! Most girls think that way, It was stronger than the both of us, It was meant to be, We couldn't help ourselves! Seriously, saying that our emotions have more control over us than our common sense is denying any responsibility for our actions being of our own personal choice and decision. I remember a description that my husband said to me about two of his colleagues who broke up two families and were together starting a "blended family" (and complaining about their ex's) - He said "How proud they must be! An entire relationship based on human weakness!". So, Like I said originally, you are going to bump into people your whole life that you are attracted to. The choice is down to you. Like I said originally, not every feeling is meant to be acted on. We can't act on every impulse that we have, otherwise our jails would be full. Oh Ya, they ARE!!! Every action has a consequence. That was also the hardest thing to instill in our children when they were growing up. They now have the skills to step back and see the big picture and take responsibility for their actions and mistakes. They also have the ability to avoid them. I'm hoping that you will be teaching your kids the same thing that I taught mine. Take good care of yourself with the decisions that you make for yourself.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): Whoops – bit of repetition there (I’ve never been much good with logical computers or illogical women!). Just to add a few more points/observations. Do you find yourself amplifying the positive characteristics of this woman at work and amplifying the negative traits of your wife? An unfavourable comparison, perhaps but we have a tendency to do this to try and justify our potential infidelity. Falling for a woman at work is really complex in terms of trying to decode whether they fancy you in return. Keeping the whole thing under wraps seems to be the order of the day. I’d really like to know how exactly your situation has ‘escalated’. You seem a little further down the line towards betrayal/infidelity than I am at the moment. How’s her body language? Becomes very complicated if she’s deliberately withholding signs of attraction even if she fancies you, fearing that her office colleagues might start to suspect. Creates a great deal of ambiguity. Some women are confident, others are shy. Some are better at conveying through body language that they find someone attractive, whereas others are less so. As for the woman I have the hots for, I knew she would be an issue further down the line (2008) soon after I met her (2004-05) and knew that if my relationship entered into rough waters then she would be the one I would start pursuing. In a strange sort of way I feel a sense of loyalty to her in so far as even if we do not end up having an affair I would be obliged not to approach any other woman in the office. But that’s fine, because even though there are many attractive women in my work place, she’s the only one I’m really attracted to. Finally, in answer to your question as to how do I deal with my longing for her, well, I literally take life day by day, ‘gathering data’ and feeding off little crumbs of attention. For example, at the end of last week she was walking down a long corridor with her boss and as we passed she said ‘Hello’ to me very affectionately and her eyes were full of emotion (I was looking great even if I say so myself!). I on the other hand had to remain cool of course since I was greeting both her and her boss together. This happened in reverse a few days earlier i.e. she was cool and I was the one giving her the ‘toffee eyes’ treatment. So, I’m ‘feasting’ off little snippets of attention on a daily basis. Your situation has escalated – that’s good (if that’s what you genuinely are wanting!). My situation will probably follow suit – though I’m not sure when this will happen (perhaps I need to force the issue a little bit more). We are likely to run out of small talk quite soon (very small in fact) and then I suspect this is when the cards will be put on the table so that we will know one way or the other. My very own watershed moment!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): Right, where were we? Ah yes...“or wish that my wife could satisfy these needs, you know what I mean.” Unfortunately I don’t think your wife can, not if she is sitting at home next to you wearing elasticised trousers and generally looking exhausted most of the time and possibly even feeling she has the right to take you for granted and therefore to be disrespectful to you on (many?) an occasion. This woman at work on the other hand is bound to be the antithesis of all this. Don’t tell me – she’s exciting, looks great, treats you with the respect that you deserve, is always friendly to you (albeit perhaps in a professional context only to date), seems fresh and alive and most importantly – is not your wife! The grass is always greener as they say. I’m not sure how many women are in your organisation, and how often you interact platonically with the lady of your desires, but you’re obviously a decent man who appears to be a little tormented by the whole situation. If the work lady knows that you fancy her and that you are wrestling your ‘inner demons’ i.e. trying to do the ‘right thing’ etc. then the chances are that if she does fancy you in return then she’ll start fancying you still more! If you’ve backed off her recently as you say then you’ve just made yourself temporarily ‘scarce’. This very scarcity is likely to make her fancy you even more. In other words, you have lit the fuse of the firework and are standing back to see what happens. Do you think about her even when you’re with your wife and baby? Do you have any photos of her on your laptop which you pour over when your wife has gone to bed? It may be the case that your mental energy invested in your, shall we say, ‘fantasy’ woman should instead be channelled into your relationship with your spouse. Perhaps you do not feel appreciated at home and only really value the no doubt beautiful smiles (flirtatious or otherwise) currently emanating from this goddess at work. I think you’d probably find that even if your wife was attempting to fulfil all your ‘manly needs’ the spark just wouldn’t be there since there would be a little voice inside you saying ‘Yes, that was nice, dear, but at the end of the day you are not this woman at work, and therefore I’m not going to let myself feel the kind of pleasures with you which I strongly suspect I might be able to feel with this woman at work.’When did this woman appear on the scene? Has she just grown on you in recent years? Did you not even give her a second look before your baby was born i.e. before the baby was commanding ‘most’ of your wife’s attention? From my perspective I started my 11 year relationship with the idea that I just wanted to have some fun times with an attractive lady and allow the attraction to deepen over time. Prior to this I had some disastrous unrequited love episodes – all good experience of course. Now the woman who I fancy at my work place joined the company about 3.5 years ago. Soon after this she became married. After a few interactions with her back in 2005 I realised that I fancied her but since my relationship was going well (and same for her no doubt), infidelity was not on the agenda.At the time I had one child. Just over a year later (2006) my second child was born. Basically I was simply cracking on with my life whilst she was cracking on with hers (her marriage continuing to go well then, no doubt). She was considerate enough to drop by my desk at work and congratulate me on this new arrival. In so doing I remember thinking to myself ‘yes – but I still fancy you for some unhealthy reason!’ As you can imagine, 2007 was a mad year battling fatigue, staying on top at work and keeping the relationship together. Had I made a move on this lady at work during 2007 - then this for sure would have not been well received by her i.e. would have been seen as disrespectful on all sides. Hence, I deferred until 2008 and used Valentine’s Day as my opening salvo. Although my gifts were anonymous she knows that I know that she knows etcetera. Since then I’ve been ‘gathering data’ from our various professional interactions (including the occasions where we pass each other’s desks/pass in the corridors/on the way to or back from the canteen). I’ve always known that she likes me but the jury is perhaps still out as to whether she fancies me. On balance (and judging by the fact that our first face to face conversation after the ‘anonymous’ Valentine gifts was conducted with nervous breathlessness from both parties and plenty of full mirroring!) I think that she possibly does... – and dare I say we look physically compatible (by way of proof cue late night cutting and pasting of shared drive photos into personal drive Power-point slides!).Question is where do we go from here? If you’re like me then I bet this woman you fancy at work is simply out scoring your wife on so many fronts at the moment that the thought of an affair is downright intoxicating! When your wife was also scoring points in the good old days then this was enough to keep your temptation to stray at bay. There must have been a tipping point for you. When/what was that exactly? Still, the woman you fancy is the firework and you’ve lit her fuse so you are wise indeed to step back – temporarily - and see ‘what happens’.Once again, since you are working with this woman I’d recommend a very careful and slow approach (if you’ve misjudged the situation entirely then she may start to feel uncomfortable around you and next thing you know she’s pursuing a sexual harassment case against you!). Ultimately if you and this woman are to have an affair then you will both head inexorably to that watershed moment. In the meantime many will suggest that you and I should stop all this day dreaming / night typing and channel all our evidently abundant energies into our current relationships...Be good! If you do reach this watershed moment – and especially if you decide to go for that affair – then do keep us up to date. We want a blow-by-blow account! Have a nice day! Feel sympathy for the child/children in this situation but feel no remorse for the spouses since they are part of the reason you are having this dilemma to start with. Takes two to Tango / work on a relationship/marriage of course.Oh, and finally, it’s not easy being ‘professional’ with people you’ve fancied for literally, years. So, the message to all those ‘do good’ers out there is ‘give us a f*cking break!’ safe in the knowledge that minimising/avoiding collateral damage to the ‘children’ is of course.......p a r a m o u n t.........P.S. Use a condom. (That was a public information film!)
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): Right, where were we? Ah yes...
“or wish that my wife could satisfy these needs, you know what I mean.” Unfortunately I don’t think your wife can, not if she is sitting at home next to you wearing elasticised trousers and generally looking exhausted most of the time and possibly even feeling she has the right to take you for granted and therefore to be disrespectful to you on (many?) an occasion. This woman at work on the other hand is bound to be the antithesis of all this. Don’t tell me – she’s exciting, looks great, treats you with the respect that you deserve, is always friendly to you (albeit perhaps in a professional context only to date), seems fresh and alive and most importantly – is not your wife! The grass is always greener as they say. I’m not sure how many women are in your organisation and how often you interact platonically with the lady of your desires, but you’re obviously a decent man who appears to be a little tormented by the whole situation. If the work lady knows that you fancy her and that you are wrestling your ‘inner demons’ i.e. trying to do the ‘right thing’ etc. then the chances are that if she does fancy you in return then she’ll start fancying you still more! If you’ve backed off her recently as you say then you’ve just made yourself temporarily ‘scarce’. This very scarcity is likely to make her fancy you even more. In other words, you have lit the fuse of the firework and are standing back to see what happens. Do you think about her even when you’re with your wife and baby? Do you have any photos of her on your laptop which you pour over when your wife has gone to bed? It may be the case that your mental energy invested in your, shall we say, ‘fantasy’ woman should instead be channelled into your relationship with your spouse. Perhaps you do not feel appreciated at home and only really value the no doubt beautiful smiles (flirtatious or otherwise) currently emanating from this goddess at work. I think you’d probably find that even if your wife was attempting to fulfil all your ‘manly needs’ the spark just wouldn’t be there since there would be a little voice inside you saying ‘Yes, that was nice, dear, but at the end of the day you are not this woman at work and therefore I’m not going to let myself feel the kind of pleasures with you which I strongly suspect I might be able to feel with this woman at work.’
When did this woman appear on the scene? Has she just grown on you in recent years? Did you not even give her a second look before your baby was born i.e. before the baby was commanding ‘most’ of your wife’s attention? From my perspective I started my 11 year relationship with the idea that I just wanted to have some fun times with an attractive lady and allow the attraction to deepen over time. Prior to this I had some disastrous unrequited love episodes – all good experience of course. Now the woman who I fancy at my work place joined the company about 3.5 years ago. Soon after this she became married. After a few interactions with her back in 2005 I realised that I fancied her but since my relationship was going well (and same for her no doubt), infidelity was not on the agenda. At the time I had one child. Just over a year later (2006) my second child was born. Basically I was simply cracking on with my life whilst she was cracking on with hers (her marriage continuing to go well then no doubt). She was considerate enough to drop by my desk at work and congratulate me on this new arrival. In so doing I remember thinking to myself ‘yes – but I still fancy you for some unhealthy reason!’ As you can imagine, 2007 was a mad year battling fatigue, staying on top at work and keeping the relationship together. Had I made a move on this lady at work during 2007 then this for sure would have not been well received by her i.e. would have been seen as disrespectful on all sides. Hence, I deferred until 2008 and used Valentine’s Day as my opening salvo. Although my gifts were anonymous she knows that I know that she knows etcetera. Since then I’ve been ‘gathering data’ from our various professional interactions (including the occasions where we pass each other’s desks/pass in the corridors/on the way to or back from the canteen). I’ve always known that she likes me but the jury is perhaps still out as to whether she fancies me. On balance (and judging by the fact that our first face to face conversation after the ‘anonymous’ Valentine gifts was conducted with nervous breathlessness from both parties and plenty of full mirroring!) I think that she possibly does... – and dare I say we look physically compatible (by way of proof cue late night cutting and pasting of shared drive photos into personal drive Power-point slides!).
Question is where do we go from here? If you’re like me then I bet this woman you fancy at work is simply out scoring your wife on so many fronts at the moment that the thought of an affair is downright intoxicating! When your wife was also scoring points in the good old days then this was enough to keep your temptation to stray at bay. There must have been a tipping point for you. When/what was that exactly? Still, the woman you fancy is the firework and you’ve lit her fuse so you are wise indeed to step back – temporarily - and see ‘what happens’.
Once again, since you are working with this woman I’d recommend a very careful and slow approach (if you’ve misjudged the situation entirely then she may start to feel uncomfortable around you and next thing you know she’s pursuing a sexual harassment case against you!). Ultimately if you and this woman are to have an affair then you will both head inexorably to that watershed moment. In the meantime many will suggest that you and I should stop all this day dreaming / night typing and channel all our evidently abundant energies into our current relationships...
Be good! If you do reach this watershed moment – and especially if you decide to go for that affair – then do keep us up to date. We want a blow-by-blow account! Have a nice day! Feel sympathy for the child/children in this situation but feel no remorse for the spouses since they are part of the reason you are having this dilemma to start with. Takes two to Tango / work on a relationship/marriage of course.
Oh, and finally, it’s not easy being ‘professional’ with people you’ve fancied for literally, years. So, the message to all those ‘do good’ers out there is ‘give us a f*cking break!’ safe in the knowledge that minimising/avoiding collateral damage to the ‘children’ is of course.......p a r a m o u n t.........
P.S. Use a condom. (That was a public information film!)
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): Thanks for the verification. You are a chap - that's for sure! I'm off to bed now (1am here in the UK) but will give you some more of my insights within the next 24-48 hrs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am a male and this woman at work is very attractive. This attraction to her has been going on for almost 2 years, but just recently she's shown a desire for me so the situation has escalated. I'd be interested in talking more with you about this as we seem to be in very similar situations. I've backed off from her for now but miss her terribly and wish these sexual feelings would go away, or wish that my wife could satisfy these needs, you know what I mean. How do you deal with your longing for her? Very complicated and all the wrong conditions exist - being married and working with her. We haven't made love yet, perhaps this is the problem.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): Hi. Are you female or male? We appear to be a little confused! Anyway, I'm not married but have two children whereas the woman I fancy at work is married but no children. Once you've confirmed whether you're a lady or a chap then I'll chip in with my contribution. We appear to have similar issues you and me. In the meantime perhaps you should re-phrase your question a little more honestly, something along the lines of 'How can I have an affair but not get caught so that no-one gets hurt?'. To be continued. Sleep easy, my friend and remember, there's no rush 'cos you see them 5 days a week during the 9 to 5 i.e. take things slowly. Hell, I had my first proper kiss at the age of 25 and she became my lady friend and then we produced two children together. With all that lack of experimentation, how do I know that 'she is the one?'. You're damn right I should know! I have no inclination to get married to my partner (she's increasingly less cool with that notion) but I'd happily marry the woman I fancy at work tomorrow! Anyway - off to watch some porn for a while but don't get me wrong - I love the romance thing. It's all in the eyes - hers/his...and yours.
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female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (1 May 2008):
 You made your vows to be with your wife and it will hurt so many people if you do anything. I dont think you can stop these feelings but you dont have to act on them. If you really love your wife then it will be a mistake, just think of all the pain it could cause, that should dampen your ardour x
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (1 May 2008):
 I would say it should just take the decision not to get involved with her.
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female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (1 May 2008):
Some things are meant to remain as fantasies. How would the world be if we acted on every single impulse that went through our mind? Personally, I REALLY wanted to run this idiot off the road today... BUT I managed to control myself and remain a human being, flawed as I am, like everyone else.
This attraction that you have is normal for someone to have, even if you are married. There are going to be Other People that you find attractive all your life! It's not up to your husband to keep you from straying! You made vows here, it's strength of character that keeps those vows, otherwise - they mean nothing.
Take steps to avoid being alone with this individual and if you find that impulse too strong, switch jobs or at least, departments. Do whatever you have to to put a bit of distance between you and her. You need a little reality check and a review of all the reasons why you married your husband. A new attraction to a new person is always a head rush, but honestly, in your heart, I'm sure that you love your husband, otherwise you wouldn't have written in to all of us.
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female
reader, notinthesane +, writes (1 May 2008):
 We are all animals, like it or not, and it is in our nature to have these feelings. There are so many biological and animalistic factors that you have to consider. I don't think there is any way to stop your intincts, but you do have self control (or at least I hope you do). Maybe you should speak to the woman at work and tell her the situation and make it clear that nothing can ever happen between the two of you.
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