A
male
age
41-50,
*eronimo
writes:Well I met this girl on facebook and we started chatting casually. We were truely interested in each other. We talked and texted on the phone with alot of pictures for a couple months and so I decided to make the trip over this thanksgiving holiday to met this gal. She seemed genuine and was sweet and flirtatious over the phone until about a week before my flight then she decides to change gears and slow down a bit which I understand. Now that I'm here its like she's cold and distant. How am I suppose to react to that? We exchanged plenty of photos and she says I wasn't a disappointment. She says its my self confidence. How am I suppose to act when I've traveled 1200 miles and get rejected?
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male
reader, Geronimo +, writes (2 December 2010):
Geronimo is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well she has asked for some time alone to get her head screwed on straight yesterday. So it will be very hard to not contact her but im gonna do my best. Thanks again everyone for the help
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (1 December 2010):
Two rules when it comes to long distance relationships -
1 - Never get into a long distance relationship for anything other than a short term (like one time) thing.
2 - See rule 1.
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A
male
reader, Geronimo +, writes (1 December 2010):
Geronimo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionId like to thank all of you for your advice and point of views. It is greatly appreciated. Ill keep you posted.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (30 November 2010):
 Oh sweetie..I'm so sorry for you. I can imagine the disappointment and pain that you must feel.
I'm almost 50 and have been through this several times. I have been on both sides of this coin. I talked to a guy on line for 15 months before we met. He came from California to Ohio to meet me, we had planned 10 days together, going to all sorts of places. We had talked several times every day all this time before we met and really thought we were in love. I sensed within hours after he arrived that I wasn't what he wanted or expected. It was terrible. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong, just kept getting colder and colder. I felt so sad and insecure.we had all these plans and all these places we were travelling to...it was so uncomfortable, but at least I really did enjoy the places we went to..trying to make the best out of what I knew was not going well..... He waited till he went back home and told me the next day that we "didn't click". I honestly would have preferred that he had told me during the trip. Good note...we stayed great friends and went many places together as friends over the next 2 years.
Other experience..talked to a man online for over a year, he traveled from Texas to Ohio to meet me. Online and on the phone, he had seemed sweet. In person, he was very controlling, bossy, and jealous. By the time he left a week later, I couldn't wait for him to leave. He was "madly in love with me"..YUK...I just wanted him to go. Sometimes it just doesn't work.
Last story...I talked online to a man for almost 2 years (yes, 2 years)...we finally met..and I can honestly say that it was "love at first sight" for BOTH of us!! That was 9 years ago, and we still love each other madly.
So you see, you never know...you really don't know until you meet..and like the other posters have said, she may just be really scared, confused. Granted, that doesn't give her the right to hurt you and act the way she is. All you can do at this point is give her space, and try to remain friends, and see if she warms up to you, or she really just didn't feel a "spark". Her comments are very puzzling in all honesty, I don't have the slightest idea what she means. When you get back home, I'd wait a little while and then see if she'll go into more detail.
Again, my heart goes out to you. Here's a *HUG*. Don't think it was you and don't give up trying ok? Please let us know how you are ok?
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A
female
reader, Bella555 +, writes (30 November 2010):
Geronimo, I feel for you. It's tough when you make all that effort only to be disappointed. I was wondering what transpired between the two of you this weekend, other than your conversation with its less than stellar conclusion--where and how did you initially meet? Did you set it up like a first date? Did you two go out and do things? Or did it begin and end as soon as you got there?
I don't pretend to know what happened, and you're probably still sore, so I'm not trying to push you. Just trying to get a somewhat broader perspective so you can get the advice you're looking for here.
Hang in there, and head home. Some time and distance will do you some good.
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A
female
reader, pixiegirls +, writes (30 November 2010):
 She may have picked up on your own anxiety and fears and realized that there may be some qualities she has that could ruin the relationship, as well as think you have changed your mind about her. Appreciate the fact that she was open enough to admit that. She may tell you what it is she feels the need to work on, and how she came to that conclusion. Do you still feel the same way about her as you did to going out to see her? Try just to keep communication open, you never know what the outcome may be. We all have fears going into any relationship, many of them because we think that if we show them, the person will just bolt.
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A
female
reader, pixiegirls +, writes (30 November 2010):
When we make contact with people via Facebook, dating sites or someone from the internet, there is a comfort level with being able to open ourselves up when we are not face to face. The emails, texts, phone calls, and photos really only give us a glimpse into the other person’s life. When we communicate with someone online, we are less inhibited by the things we say and do. We also are able to read messages and have time to think about our responses before replying. This may show us in a better or different light. When we do meet face-to-face, we are then able to immediately see a person’s reaction to something we say. People may then back away or become silent in hopes of risking judgment or causing them to be upset. It is impossible to truly know someone without meeting in person. It is not uncommon for two people to have wonderful communication, even for some length of time, then only to meet and realize the chemistry is just not there. Chemistry is either there or it isn’t, and cannot be forced. There is a high level of anxiety when one first meets another for the first time, let alone for an extended time. There are also times when we meet someone online that things seem so perfect, we are ready to jump into something immediately, yet this usually comes more from wanting that great relationship, and failing to realize that all great relationships must have time to grow and not be overly spontaneous because it’s just something we want.
You did not say how long you were in communication before traveling so far to see this woman or for how long your visit was to be. The best you can try to do now is do not push the issue, nor seem insecure. She may just be trying to digest the whole situation, and may not really know how she feels until sometime after you leave. Try to just enjoy getting to know each other on a less intense level. Avoid talking about you both as a couple or in a relationship since this may only push her away further. Things must still come naturally, as in any other dating situation. You can never force any relationship to move along more quickly than it naturally would….regardless of what you may have discussed on the phone or through emails and texts. She will surely feel more secure if she doesn’t feel she must make decisions at this specific moment, and will appreciate your consideration of adjusting and getting to know each other on a different level.
Don’t see it as being rejected by her, or that you have wasted time and money. Recognize that anxiety levels are both probably high for you both, and there is much you still don’t know about each other that you cannot learn from phone calls, emails, and texts. The less you seem to be upset and anxious about the visit, the more she may be able to relax and feel comfortable. If someone feels backed into a corner, even by asking why someone may be acting colder, will almost always result in the person feeling the need to flee. Try to imagine if your positions were reversed, and the fears you also must have had when you arrived there. Take a deep breathe, and allow you both the chance to become comfortable. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Geronimo +, writes (30 November 2010):
Geronimo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell bella she says Im not as confident as I was before meeting her. She also says "I've learned alot about myself since you've been here and there's somethings I need to work on". My plane leaves in the morning back home and im gonna miss her.
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A
female
reader, bernergirl +, writes (30 November 2010):
 How old is she? Perhaps she is just spooked a bit. I understand that has to hurt, but ask her that question. See what she says. It makes me sad when there are nice men like you making an effort. In all my cases its on the other foot, so just know there are people who will respect you even if she is a dipstick! Let us know how it goes. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, Bella555 +, writes (30 November 2010):
What exactly happened? Can you offer more details?
There seem to be people who engage in online relationships with no intention of allowing fantasy to become reality...it's almost as if the eventual meeting, if one gets planned, is some sort of bizarre dare, and one of the parties can't believe it's actually going to happen. It wouldn't matter if that didn't mean well-intentioned people like you didn't get hurt, and I'm sorry for your pain and disappointment, by the way. People need to remember that the person on the other side of the phone or computer screen is a real, sentient being who does not deserve to be played with.
On the other hand, I know there are loads of internet relationships that are forged with sincere intentions, and I am happy when they work out that way.
Please let us know more of what's going on. It's awful you've made all that effort to connect with this woman only to be treated poorly.
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A
male
reader, Boy Blue +, writes (30 November 2010):
If I were you I'd be raging and yelling at her...I'm sure that would show her just how confident I was. I'm not sure what to tell you here but at least you gave it a shot. Maybe it will work out but after your situation I don't think even I would stick around.
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