A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a confused state. I've been with this guy for two years. Our relationship has been far from fairy tale, but we made each other happy. So we've been in a long distance relationship for the past 8 months. Its been really hard. He questions me all the time, our trust is dwindling just because we're never with each other, and now his feelings are fading too. Its funny because my feelings have never been stronger. I love him with all of my heart. I honestly can't wait for the day that we're back together.Well couldn't wait...So I've been talking to an old friend. Just talking. My relationship has been strained for the past three months and all I've wanted was for it to get better. I'm in school, so I feel like I'm not really in a any position of compromise. He lived with me before, so I wanted him to live with me again. We had a lot of back and forth conversations for the past few months, and we broke up a lot. But we always ended up back together. I love him. So now I'm finally tired of it. I can't stand the idea of being away from him, but I also know he's right. We're in a pointless relationship. Plus, I've been talking to this old friend. SO of course, I would be considering leaving this relationship. But he still means so much to me. I really do love him. I've never been closer to another human being in my entire life. He is my best friend, my lover, he just gets me. But he also uses that against me. I've been with him for so long, I don't know much else. Or I'm just really rusty. I want to end it because I know its what he wants, but I don't want to lose him. But I also know that I want to be with this other guy, yet I still love him. I'm so confused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the input.
@ CindyCares Thank you for putting it another way for me. I am still in love with our relationship, and to a certain degree him. He was my first real experience with love and I really am scared to move on, but at this point its just too hard to even be with him.
Thanks for reminding me that I am still young, and in the long run, this is just a learning experience. I am still young, and as much as I hate to admit it, I'm scared of moving on because I'm scared of the outcome, but I've wasted enough time on this.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 November 2010):
 Inevitably it will sound I'm patronizing.
That was not the idea. Simply I can see things for a different perspective while you are too into this thing to be objective.
So : you are never been closer to any other human being in your entire life . Darling ( inster little half maternal, half condescending smile ) - obviously! Your entire life reaches at most 21 ! Exclude childhood bonds with your parents , which anyway have a totally different nature, and you have close to zero experience in terms of forming closeness and intimacy in an adult relationship .
By adult relationship I mean something that comes from a want and not a need, therefore an emotional choice which is ALSO informed and rational. Not the way you get close to people when you are 15 or 16- out of fear of loneliness, or hormones, or peer pressure,etc.
Then- second little smile ditto as above :)- "you have been with him so long ". Really ? Two years, is it sooo long ?...seriously ?
My point is, it's normal that you feel upset and confused and hesitant to leave your comfort zone. This is basically all you know in term of adult love and connection , and, even if the relationship is not working, well, it is what you know and what you have , so you resist change.
But perhaps it's time to review your story more objectively,without misleading idealizations.
"It was far from a fairytale ". Why ? At your age, no marriage,no kids, no mortgage to pay, no friction from living together day in day out for years and years and years, it SHOULD have felt like a fairytale- why did trouble begin so soon. ? "We made each other happy "- maybe, but, if you were so happy, why did you keep breaking up ?
Repeated break ups in only two years. It must mean something.
Finally , the old friend. I admit that this is my personal thought based on my personal experience, and that in this I may be a bit of a fundamentalist of love, but : don't fool yourself. If you love somebody, really and strongly, it is very easy not to be tempted or distracted. Because no other person can really interest you or catch your attention. Well of course , you see Johnny Depp and say, wow, yummy. But that's it, just a reflex, a passing thought. When you start putting time and effort and interest in getting to know someone else- it means that
your first love is fading, faded or totally gone.
Conclusion : do not over romanticize your two year story. It was a phase of your life, a necessary passage, something that helped you grow and evolve and understand what you really want. But , when it does not work anymore, and it starts feeling "pointless " it's high time to let it go and move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): Try your very very best to remove your emotion from this equation so that you can make a good decision. Your thought processes, with respect, seem to be off balance but that is okay. It seems you are learning and are evaluating the relationship. Long distance is very difficult yes. Youre in school and in no place to move. Right there to me it just makes sense to break things off. Good luck on this. You have my best.
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