A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I've been together with my girlfriend whom I love very much, for almost 3 years now, we're in a long distance relationship, and have a 5 year age difference. But lately it hasn't been going so well and over the weekend it got really bad. A bit of info first, we're in a long distance relationship, but this has no negative effect on either of us, but since the last time we met we haven't talked or spent as much time together as we normally would. I understand, because she has had a lot of homework. Fast forward to last friday.She contacted me at around midnight for the first time that day and said hi, and that she was going to bed because it was late, i thought okay fair enough. The next day the same thing, came online at around midnight and was agitated. I asked her what was wrong and she burst out in anger, in the way she would normally do and have a long rant, and maybe insult me a few times here or there. I understand her and why she would be upset, because lately I've just been waiting until she calls me by herself since she has been really busy and i don't want to distract/ disturb her while she is doing her homework. I know i should've asked her to come online and spend some time with me and that it probably made her feel unwanted.The next part is a letter i wrote to her but didn't send, but it's still important since i feel it's part of why we had this problem in the first placeWhen she came online yesterday i said we should talk about things we don't like about eachother that we haven't talked about. She immediately said she already had done this, which she did, and she got defensive and angry at me, instead of asking me if there is anything i would want to say to her. when something about me bothers her, she says it, or if she wants me to do something she says it, and i respect that and listen while she's talking and don't interrupt.i feel like i can't say such things to her, because first of all i don't want to upset her, and the few times i did say it, she got really defensive and started explaining herself, which is her right because every situation has 2 sides to it. I listen to what she has to say and look at it from her perspective and sometimes i agree, sometimes i don't. But when i don't, i can't just say that because she'll get even more angry.But when i explain why i do something or something happened she'll say i'm making up excuses or am lying, basically how to comes across to me is that she's thinking "I'm always right, and when you try to explain yourself you're just looking for excuses. Because it's always your fault and you're always wrong." This also goes for what i typed at the beginning. She then gets angry and start yelling and sometimes just plain insult me, for basically standing up for myself.Besides that, I really don't think it's needed to yell at me to get her point across, infact it's the opposite, because when she reacts that way she doesn't just say what's wrong but she also insults me at the same time, and i wonder what she would do if i were to react in the same way.and some things i just don't know how to tell her, like for example i ask a question to which she thinks the answer is obvious, and then she answers which is great, but then after the answer she says something like "obviously" or she even said things like "anyone with a brain could've figured that out" or something with a similar tone. The first one isn't that bad, but i wonder why that last bit has to be included? Is it to make me look or feel stupid? Even if it's a small comment, it still hurts and then i just stay quiet because i don't like it when people say things like that to me, it makes me feel that they have no respect or patience and i don't like being with people who treat others like that.and because of past experiences i feel sometimes i don't know what to do because for example, she wasn't online for a long time someday and i waited for her to come, she came and had no problem with that and everything was fine, because she were just busy. another time she didn't come online, and i wanted to spend time with her, so i decided to call her, her mobile phone was turned off so i called her home phone, and she got angry or at least it seemed so, that i called her. And another time i didn't call her because the other time when i did, she got angry at me, but then when she did come online she was angry at me for not calling her.That's just an example, but it goes for other things too and then i just don't know what to do because it seems that whatever i do it's wrong and another reason for her to get angry again.She left later and came back again around midnight, she seemed in a better mood and offered to start with a clean slate. I was really happy with this, but at the same time it was late and she has to get up early for school so i suggested we get ready for bed and then i call her. I asked this, since i don't want to take away her sleep which she really needs and she reacts like this "have you NEVER asked anyone to do ANYTHING in your life before? im sick of you beating around the fucking bush, its as if you cant make choices or orders and so you make me decide EVERYTHING. whatever you want do it FAST BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE BEEN ASLEEP FOR LIKE TWO HOURS NOW. seriously, how come you ALWAYS succeed in getting me angry? it's like it's your subconcious goal. and then you mindlessly take my advice, acting like nothing happened.talking with you is like talking with a child. you have no responsibility, i have to keep repeating things over and over, you get offended easily, you cry, and then ofc i feel bad for trying to knock some sense into you."so i suggested to not call because she clearly doesn't want to, she followed with some more insults, to which i responded by thanking in a sarcastic way. She followed by saying "it appears you need them" i then reply by saying "you're all too willing to give them too, it seems". She responded by saying "and now you try to turn the blame on me, show how evil i am. Right, that is showing responsibility blame the girl who is half a meter and 4 years younger than you, nice example you're setting there" I reply since i didn't want the argument to get bigger and waste more time.I just really don't know what to do anymore, she wants me to change, but i think there are also some things that she should change about herself, but i feel i can't point those out to her because it will lead to more arguments, her pointing the finger at me and insulting me. I don't want to break up with her, because i love her, and we had great times together and i'm certain we still can.The way she has been acting the past few days just makes it seem that either she wants to break up with me, or wants me to break up with her, but i don't want either to happen.If anyone willing to answer this needs more background info, let me know
View related questions:
long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): Hey,
first of all I'd like to thank everyone for taking their time to help me, it's very much appreciated!
So, to update:
We settled our differences, and are still together, but I'm not disregarding any of your advice since i feel most of you had constructive responses.
Again thank you
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): This woman is very very immature and outright childish. Long distance relationships are unique and come with extra care if they are to work. She is not doing this both ways man. In fact, she pisses me off the way she treats you. This relationship imho is borderline toxic because of the games played and bad communication involved. Its almost like you have to stoop to her level in order to get a message across and thats not healthy. If I were you, Id end this immediately to save yourself emotional exhaustion and frustration and also sadness. In addition, i dont sense any maturity in her to even suggest she's capable of making a decision to close the distance some day. Good luck pal.
...............................
A
female
reader, harleygirl2010  +, writes (14 March 2011):
 I have to agree with Denise31, TEM, and JustJess. She is out of control. I'm sorry that she is putting your through this it isn't fair to you. You should tell her that she needs to call you when she has time too since you don't want to interrupt her when she is working on school or busy. There is only so much you can blames on stress. Trust me on that. I'm 19 live with my parents, help them take care of my baby brother, my 13 year old sister, plus working on college, plus the two dogs, my friends, their babies, and putting up with my current relationship fiasco as well as those of two of my closest friends. Trust me i'm beyond stress but i don't treat my man like that. He may do/say things to me that need reciprocation but i never demean him like that. AT the end of the day you have to make the choice that makes YOU happy, and helps YOU the most. If talking to her in a serious conversation doesn't work then start thinking of what would make you happy. I hope this helps and I hope things can get better for you. Good Luck to you my friend.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (14 March 2011):
 Unfortunately, your gf is a spoiled brat. Insulting, demeaning, refuses to listen to any and all criticism......
Tell her not to call you at midnight if its only to say she's about to go to bed.......if she has such a busy schedule, tell her to call when she has time to talk.
She's extremely defensive, isn't she? If she acts this way with you, I wonder how she is with her parents, other family and friends? They probably find her very difficult, too. She's out of control.
I actually think you should send a letter and tell her you're not prepared to have any more conversations with her (or meet in person) until she can keep a civil tongue in her head. If she then calls, or emails with another rant, ignore her! Don't respond to her message, and simply say "Since you're acting like this I'm going to hang up" and then immediately disconnect. She needs to realize that her behavior has certain consequences - ones she won't like - and that she's not going to be allowed to get away with this nastiness any longer. In short, a nice shock of ice-cold water (metaphorically) thrown over her!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): I really would not call her - I think you are emotionally way ahead of her and being long distance is just highlighting that. It takes TWO very mature minded people to keep a relationship going online.
...............................
A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (14 March 2011):
 Is she trying to push you away? If not, she's doing a great job of it. Seriously, she has been insulting, mean spirited and emasculating. If this is the way she behaves online, I can just imagine what she is like in person.
I do not need any more background information. I don't care what her issues are. Bottom line is people who love each other do not speak to each other this way. There are only so many excuses you can make for her behavior (stressed, tired, etc.) before it is deemed it utterly unacceptable. Her language is awful and her behavior is unacceptable.
She's horribly condescending. This must hurt you. When you have tried to tell her how she makes you feel, she hasn't listened. She doesn't care. I do not see how you will be able to work this out. It takes two to do so.
If you feel her behavior is in an effort to break up with you, or have you break up with her, you need to ask her. Stop hurting each other with all this LD communication and ask her straight out. If that is what she truly wants, you cannot prevent it. Relationships take two also.
...............................
A
female
reader, justjess +, writes (14 March 2011):
 She needs to grow up and realise that she shouldn't dish it out if she can't handle recieving it!
You say she's at school so I'll assume she's five years younger than you and not the other way around, so so she's between 17-20? then she's old enough to know that she can't act like a spoilt brat all the time.
You need to speak to her about everything, regardless of if she wants to hear it or not. Tell her that you want have a grown up chat/discustion and not resort to name calling etc.
TBH I think you should walk away but at the end of the day that's your call
...............................
|
