A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. For four months, he cheated on me with a good friend of mine, and lied about it even when I asked about it. When I first found out about it, we agreed to stay together, but he told me that he was absolutely not going to make any sacrifices to be with me. At the time I was upset, so I agreed to that, but with the condition that things changed regarding his relationship with her.Two weeks later I was looking through his phone bill (for a legitimate reason--not because I was stalking him) and found out that he was still seeing her. I confronted him and he was angry with me for checking his bill, but he did stop talking to her after that. Less than two weeks after, I found out that he was still looking at pictures of her through her friends' Facebook pages. This was not an innocent "looking at new pictures to see what she's up to" thing, but a "looking at old pictures and daydreaming about being with her" thing. I asked him to stop, and although he said he did, he later informed me that he continued looking at photos for a week after this.Yesterday, I asked him to block her two best friends on Facebook. These are people that he strongly dislikes, and always has. He told me that he wants to keep them as friends not because he's looking at her photos, but because he wants "the option to look at her photos". I don't want him having the "option" to do ANYTHING with the girl he was cheating with. But he's telling me that I'm being controlling and that when we got back together, I agreed that I wouldn't make him change anything in order to stay with me. Every day, he tells me he's in love with this girl... Why would I want him to continue daydreaming about her?Please don't tell me to just break up with him. Honestly, that's something I will consider if this does not turn out well, but I would just like to know if I'm wrong or right here, and if I'm right, how can I make him see this?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): "told me that he was absolutely not going to make any sacrifices to be with me"
Wow, I'd drown him in the river if I were you (not really, but figuratively).
Relationships require sacrifices, and we always sacrifice things for those that we love, if we truly love them.
Really.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): So you do not believe at this point in time that 'this is not turning out well'....Well I'l have you know that this is not turning out well and you are letting this man make an absolute ninny of you..plus all the harm it will do to your self esteem...If you dont want to leave him....Fine...You cannot make him feel the way 'you want' him to feel...He feels how he feels and he has already told you he is in love with her...Do you dispute this...Sorry hun, but if you are asking us about how to control your boyfriend..I doubt you will get much help here...If you are looking ofor solutions to your problem if the other party is not willingwell..it takes two to make a relationship work.....maybe you see this as a competition in which you have to win...sorry hun wake up...The problem you have is not just this other girl, the actual problem in your relationship with him.....For some reason he seems to find the need to look outside the relationship and that is what you should be getting to the root of...If you know why he is cheating and can resolve this then the problem is solved...the girl is the symptom, you need to treat the problem ie the reasons why he is cheating
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): Your friend is not a good friend or she would not have had sex with him. If he loved you he would be willing to change.
" Please don't tell me to just break up with him. Honestly, that's something I will consider if this does not turn out well."
Honey it has already not turned out well.
It's time too go and find a real relationship.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (14 March 2011):
You're mad for wanting to stay with a guy who cheated, lied about it, continue to see the girl and will do anything to continue to have contact AND says he loves her!
When someone cheats, they don't get to set the rules. You do. But you've let him come back and set a load of rules, and you're still allowing it.
You even said 'don't tell me just to break up with him. Honestly, that's something I will consider if this does not turn out well"
Please, open your eyes. He cheated, he will do it again, he loves this other girl and he has no respect for you at all. He doesn't care one little bit that he cheated, and all he is doing is laughing because you've taken him back.
You need to end it. Nothing good can come from this, and there is no suggestion anyone can give to make him see that you're right. The reason? He doesn't care. He's told you he loves this other girl, and that really should be enough.
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave +, writes (14 March 2011):
Sorry, but I will tell you to break up with him because you are in the right in terms of not wanting him to have the option of doing anything with her.
And I back this up (you ending it) because it seems clear he is not willing to let go of her completely, and to be blunt, while that is the case, it will always leave the door open to more cheating in the future.
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