A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please help me, I want to leave but am so scared.I have been with my boyfriend 1 year. He is 7 years older than me. He has a daughter of 5 and I get along well with his daughter but do sometimes suffer with jealousy towards her,, although I never show it to the daughter, I am honest with my man about it. I have never tried to stop him seeing her, and I always join in with their outings.Well last night we were rowing and he admitted that his daughter will always be more special than me and he'd always love her more. to say I'm hurt, gutted and shocked is an understatement. To be honest I don't know what to do. I want to leave as I can't cope with this feeling but I am also aware that he is the only man that has treated me so well.Help, how do I get over this? I am so hurt and feel now that I can't even bear to be in the same room as her, even though before I did enjoy her company.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): Your not alone! My husband has two adult daughters who's mother walked out on them years ago for his best mate and has never contributed financially. She's been back in their lives more so since we married causing all sorts of grief. My husband up until our marriage was a single dad and spoilt them rotten, no discipline, rules or respect is adhered to, and he is happy to turn a blind eye to it every time! . The 19 year return from university to spend Xmas with us and knowing of my redundancy has spent the last two weeks treating our home like a squat for her her Mayes n her boyfriend, eating us out of house n home.. She has even destroyed her newly renovated room n bedding I spent 500 pounds on doing before she arrived and the moment I complain tohim about how upset I am about it, he roles his eyes and says I'm the problem not her get over it!! I have spent the last 3 n a half years rearing them, financially etc and to this day I am still put behind them when they visit, n all tjey have to say is daddy i love you and their his little golden children, Walk away while you can second best is not a happy place to be.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): @Cindycares,This young lady hasn't put this man into making a choice or putting a hierarchy on his love - HE HASThe point I am making is that obviously being told you are loved less (whether it is natural or not) is not a helpful way of starting to integrate a young lady (with no kids so I.e no experience) into your family. This kind of thing is so actively discouraged by professional counsellors\family therapists. Yes, she needs to accept his love for his daughter and embrace their relationship, but cut the girl some slack, by the sounds of it she has no kids of her own and therefore no emotional experience.Heck I even know women of my age WITH kids of their own that struggle with this.Its ok saying that the child can never be replaced and you can always get a new partner but why do you need a new partner if you can't seem to seperate the two loves? And by that I mean NOT rubbing it in your partners face who you love more!Are you going to keep replacing partners in the hope that one might come along who puts up with this 1st,2nd,3rd business??Really, why don't yall just say single and look after your kids and forget dating till they're fully grown if its that much of a problem.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 December 2010):
 @anon female reader : maybe that's exactly the point...
A single parent that should loose his partner over this kind of issues still knows that,hopefully, with a bit of luck ,he can replace this partner. ( Possibly with someone else more empathic, or less insecure ! ) He may mourn the end of the relationship, but, never say never, he can find another love, even a better love
His child is irreplaceable. Ever. He does not want a better child.
The single parent should not be put in condition to choose,or to assign first prizes. It's unfair, it's counterintuitive, it's pointless,..and it ultimately it's a strategy that can backfire.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Because like the man below says, his child cannot give him the things that most people want - companionship, bedroom company, intimate love etc, so with that in mind single parents need to be careful that they don't loose all of those things (by using STUPID statements about who they love more) making their spouse feel unimportant or a third wheel.
Its not fair on their partner and it creates an unhealthy dynamic where kids think they're the centre of the worlds universe. And trust me, I am a stepmum and my hubbie and I have been to counselling for these issues so I know what I am talking about. I was once in this young girls shoes and I don't envy her. Good Luck OP
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 December 2010):
And why is that so hard for you to understand that a parent 's love for his/her child IS stronger ?
Look at what the last two very happily married anon male readers have written. It's a common sentiment.
If my son should need an organ transplant from me ,with a 99.9% risk of my death during the operation, I'd just say "When do we start ".
I would not do that for any man, even a much loved one.
It's just the way things are, at least in a vast majority of cases. Deal with it.
Or, don't deal with it and date a childless guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): I am good with the child - she likes me. Its not an act either, I love children's company. I love my neice to bits and some of my friend's children but I just feel so jealous of her dad's love for her because its more stronger than his for me. Why is that so hard for pple to understnd why?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): I agree with the prior poster and echo his statements. Couldn't say it better.
HOWEVER, YOU ARE NOT HIS WIFE, YOU ARE JEALOUS OF A CHILD, AND YOU ARE MUCH YOUNGER THAN HIM. YOU ARE IN A DIFFERENT LIFE STAGE.
GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP, THIS ISN'T HEALTHY AND YOU AREN'T HEALTHY FOR THE CHILD.
"I have always put my wife #1."
"I love my wife."
"I love my kids, but they can't have with me the kind of adult conversations, bedroom time, and other things that only my wife can give me."
"I have no desire to engage in them to her exclusion."
"If either your spouse or your child had to die, and you had to pick, which one would take the bullet? My wife knows that if I were faced with this situation, she would die." MY WIFE WOULD TAKE THE SAME OPTION AND I'D TAKE IT IN HER PLACE ANY DAY OF THE YEAR.
"And that's OK with her, because if the roles were reversed, I'd be the one pushing up daisies."
"my wife is still #1 in my life."
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): I have always put my wife #1. As for my work, I like my job, but I love my wife. I love my kids, but they can't have with me the kind of adult conversations, bedroom time, and other things that only my wife can give me. I love my friends, but I am not building a life with them like I am with my wife. I have a couple of hobbies, but my wife is generous enough to let me engage in them within reason, and I have no desire to engage in them to her exclusion.
Now, as for the age-old hypothetical question, if either your spouse or your child had to die, and you had to pick, which one would take the bullet? My wife knows that if I were faced with this situation, she would die. And that's OK with her, because if the roles were reversed, I'd be the one pushing up daisies. But the strange thing, the inexplicable thing, is that somehow, despite this paragraph, my wife is still #1 in my life. It is a contradiction that I cannot explain!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): Every parent knows in time they have to let their children go. It's all part of the way the relationship with your child changes. Don't see it as 'pay back' that one day she may have a boyfriend and her Dad is in the backgound. Right now he is a hands-on Dad, which for a 5 years old is just right. He can never have that time back, it is very precious.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 December 2010):
@ anon female reader who says " I have to live with the fear that this child may come back in his life later on ".
I suppose that you also exclude the possibility of having your own child with this man, right ?
Because if you have one, your bf may love him more - and you'll be second best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): "Wonder where he'll be when precious daughter loves boyfriend/husband more" You sound pretty bitter.You knew he had a child when you first started dating him."I have never tried to stop him seeing her"Your point is? Do you want a medal because you let your boyfriend see his own child? You seriously have some growing up to do. I suggest you never date a guy with children again. Unless they're a dead beat dad who couldn't care less.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): Some people just cannot handle their partners having children because that means they are second best. It does not mean they are selfish or bad people, they are just honest and know what they want. I am in a situation now with a man with a child, I have got him to disown his child. Does it make me feel good? a little bit but the pain still there, I have to live with the fact he had a child and it will not be a new experince for him. I have live with the fear the child may come back into his life later on and I know I feel cheated as I would leave my boyfriend and have wasted years with him. NEVER DATE A MAN WITH A CHILD.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 December 2010):
More, different, it's just words, different ways to say the same . It basically means:
- luckily, it's rare that one has to make a drastic choice between his kid and his lover. But the average parent , in case he has to choose, will choose his kid. If he has ONE week of vacation a year and he must spend it either with the kid or the lover, he will choose the kid. If you and the kid ( God forbid ) were both sick, and he had to choose at which sickbed to be, it would be his kid's.
- the only really unconditional love I have seen in real life is that for your children. Your guy now can love you to bits, but he is human and has expectations about you and if you should disattend them,probably he will love you less.Or stop loving you.
If he finds you in bed with another guy, his feelings will change. If you max out all his credit cards and destroy his credit and his reputation, his ardour will cool down. If you do something bad and end up in jail for a 15 to life, ditto.
All in all, it is conceivable that you may do something to piss him off to the point that he just can't love you anymore.
That normally does not happen with your child. Ask any mother of juvenile delinquent or drug addict or follower of some cult. You stop liking them, you stop helping them or giving them money, - you don't stop loving them because you can't. They don't have to make you happy or to make you feel good or to make you proud to be loved - they just have to BE .
So, yes, in this sense he loves his child more ( or differently ) than he loves you. For keeping his love, you have to keep being who you are now or doing what you do now ,that he loves so much about you. His daughter can make a 180degree turnaround and will always have a special place in his heart.
It's just how life works, nothing to feel threatened or competitive about. Again, if you can't digest it, there are plenty of childless guy that would put all attention on you and you only.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 December 2010):
OP, I saw your second reply, and I have to say that you are pouting!
Leave him, work on your own insecurities and stop getting at the guy. You're the one who's jealous, and you're the one who has consistently said that you're jealous,. How much more of your insecurity did you think he could take? You brought this on yourself every time you said you were jealous and kept suggesting he loved his daughter more.
And as for you last comment "Wonder where he'll be when precious daughter loves boyfriend/husband more" - I think that just sums you up. Vindictive, jealous, immature and not ready for a relationship. Leave him and grow up.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (15 December 2010):
 He will be walking her down the aisle and beaming with pride that his beautiful daughter is all grown up. He will be happy for her and incredibly pleased that they have stayed close all this time, without letting anyone come between them.
Chances are in 15 years he will have re-married or met someone who is happy to be a step-mum and would never put him in impossible situations where he has to choose between his child and partner, and explain his love for each of them.
You would be doing the right thing by leaving him - he sounds like a great dad and deserves someone that understands him, rather than someone who is so selfish they are jealous of a 5 year old.
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A
male
reader, ljhenhmla  +, writes (15 December 2010):
Why is it so different for men to feel this way. I have daughters from previsous relatioships and they will always come first. At the end of the day when that guy or girl leaves u your kids are always going to be there. It not to say that he does not love u as much it just a different love that any parent cannot explain.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): No I didn't expect him to say he loves me more but who the hell wants 2 hear that they are loved less??
To be honest these replies sayin its normal are just making my mind up more and more to leave and find someone without kids. Don't get me wrong, I do like kids but its just gonna make it hard for me to bond more with her knowing this.
Wonder where he'll be in 15 years when precious daughter loves her boyfriend/husband more?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 December 2010):
I think you should just break up. You're just not a step-mother type person at all. Of course he loves his daughter more. You don't understand that, because you don't have kids. But one day you will, and when you do, you'll understand. Romantic love is conditional. The love for a child is unconditional. There is a difference. You'll understand it one day.
But for now, don't continue with this. Your boyfriend has been placed in an impossible situation by you, where nothing he says is good enough, and whatever happens you'll be jealous. You should not have put him in that situation. The man loves you as much as it's possible to love a spouse, and for you it's not enough. That's not his problem, it's yours.
End it, work on your own insecurities and don't ever date a man who already has children. You've a lot of learning to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): She is his daughter. His flesh and blood, I don't think you can understand what that means until you have children of your own.
He shouldn't have said that he will always love her more as oppossed to loving you both equally. But the love a parent has for a child is extremely different than the love a person has for their lover or significant other.
I think you are being selfish. Your jealous of a five year old girl. Think about that for a second. He is her father. The bond between parent and child is unbreakable. If you can't contend with the fact that the child comes first, then you need to leave and get yourself a boyfriend that will only pay attention to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): "Well last night we were rowing and he admitted that his daughter will always be more special than me and he'd always love her more. to say I'm hurt, gutted and shocked is an understatement."
What did you expect him to say? That he loves you more then his own daughter? I think you need to grow up a bit to be honest. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you but that's his child at the end of the day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): (original OP)
BUT if it is so different, (like how I love my mum and Dad) why does it have to be MORE? Surely if it's different then it can't be MORE?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): Dump him! I know it is not the child's fault, and of course, she should be blamed. The father/your boyfriend, however, is not treating you right! He should NEVER have said or made you feel that he loves his daughter more than you! That is just not right. You should never be in a relationship where you have to feel like you're the second best. This is why I hesitate to get into relationships with guys who have kids. Plus, you are so young, you can do better for sure!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 December 2010):
I have another shocking, earth shattering revelation for you :
when it rains, people get wet.
I mean, DUH. Do you find so strange that he loves his own blood and flesh more than his (recently found ) companion ?
Maybe it's not even a matter of "more " or "less ", it's like two very different kind of loves. Even if he is ,or will become, crazy about you- his daughter will always have in his heart a very special , unique position that no other love will undermine.
How can you come to terms with that ? Well, sorry for being blunt, but growing up a bit and not entering in competition with a 5 years child. Then, realizing that you can't quantify love, he can value you a 10 ... and his child maybe a 10 plus, what's the problem until he cares for you and treats you well.
Ultimately, if you really feel you can't deal with this- then leave him and just date childless guys, with whom you can make your own child. Maybe that day , when you have your own, you'll understand better what your bf says now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): I know it may not seem like it but there are other good men out there who are more suited for you. I can 100% understand what you are going through, there is a reason why some young women say they will never date a man with a child and your boyfriend said those reasons to you. He had no right throwing it in your face like that, he knows your insecure about it. You are better off leaving this man and finding a man who has not got children. You will feel so much better about it.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (15 December 2010):
I am sorry to say this and I hope you dont take it the wrong way but you are being very immature and selfish. To be hurt when someone says they love their child more than they love a girlfriend? That is just about the most normal statement you can make and I would shocked if he had said anything else. If you are upset by this then you clearly do not understand the difference between romantic love and parental love.
Parental love, the love between a parent and child is unbreakable. The child is 50% them, that is their genes, a little 'mini-me' running around carrying their personality traits etc. This love is unconditional - that child could do ANYTHING in life and the parent would still love it because it is biological - we are made to have children, then protect them. It is quite simple - this love is the strongest love out there.
Romantic love is conditional, as much as people like to think it can be unconditional this is just not true. You can stop loving a partner - this is incredibly easy to do whereas you cannot stop loving your own child. Romantic love can NEVER be unconditional because things like cheating, verbal abuse, domestic violence, frequent rowing, lack of sexual intimacy...etc can all lead to love fading or ending. So there are things that a partner can do to make you stop loving them - hence love is conditonal (based upon certain things happening, or not happening within the relationship).
So for you to even expect your boyfriend to feel the same about you is absurd - it is not humanly possible for him to feel a stronger love for you over his daughter. Biology dictates this!
I guess it is up to you what you do next - you are not a parent by the sounds of things therefore chances are you will not understand this difference in types of love until you have a child yourself. But if you can open your mind to this concept, and realise that his daughter is not competition, she is just loved in a different way than you are and this is NATURAL - then your relationship could go on to be a very long, happy one. You simply need to get over yourself, stop expecting to be the centre of the universe and start to understand more complex ideas of love. Rather than the childish notion of wanting to be his everything, and if anything gets in the way then you throw a tantrum.
Or if you absolutely cannot accept it and cannot comprehend these different types of love then I guess you will never be happy with a man that already has a child so you may have to end it and find someone who can give you what you want. Someone who can induldge your self-centredness and let you live in your little bubble where you are the most special thing on earth.
It is totally up to you - many people feel the same way as you (I have seen hundreds on this site) so you are not alone, but you would be throwing away a perfectly good relationship if you ended it. So you have a chance to be more mature about this and expand your mind beyond yourself - that is the only way to make this work. But if you cant do that (which is fair enough, not many people could) then I'm afraid you will never be happy in this relationship.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, SceneXaddicted +, writes (15 December 2010):
 That his baby girl... His pride and joy. A father is a girls first love and a sons first hero, thats what they say anyways. Any good father would put his daughter before anyone. I know my father would. It just shows he is passionate about being a father, he is responsible, considerate, loving, and deep hearted. There is nothing wrong with having these characteristics. The love for a daughter is unlike the love for your spouse.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): The relationship between a parent and child is an unbreakable lifelong bond. Are you asking him to make choices between you and his daughter? You will lose. Stop trying to put a strain on your relationship and accept he is a dad as well as your boyfriend. He loves his daughter in a different way to the way he loves you. You have a simple choice, you take his daughter and him as a package and try and make it work, or you leave him.
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