A
female
age
,
*ilac
writes:Am a 48 year old, attractive, intelligent woman. I have been seeing this wonderful man for 4 months. Just back from holiday with him. On occasions when we are out, he'll say things like "that barmaid was gorgeous, wish I could take her home" or when he saw a young waitress giving someone a kiss for their birthday he said "God, wish it was my birthday" on another occasion he ran his tongue over his lips whilst taking to a barmaid - all seems a little trivia now but at the time I felt ........... annoyed, jealous, humilated and other emotions - after some consumption of alcohol I blurted out how angry I was about it all and we rowed. He said it means nothing and he doesn't understand why I'm so insecure - how should I handle these situations? I know he's got so many more good points and in every other way treats me perfectly. I personally never make comments about other men (I keep these to myself) so I find it difficult to understand why he says such things to me, his new(ish) lady? He says he loves me, isn't interested in anyone else etc etc. He says I must poke him next time but I feel I've got the problem. I want to become a confident woman - any advice on how to deal with these situations?
View related questions:
insecure, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, hendrixxx  +, writes (3 June 2008):
Hi
I'm sorry you are experiencing a 'man' like this. I am against that kind of behaviour. I find it really offensive and it hurts me. I have just met a great guy and now it turns out he is like this. I won't put up with it. I will find someone better who respects women. I think a guy that acts like that doesn't respect women and you deserve better! Great suggestions though - I would love to play a guy like this at his own game!
A
male
reader, wildman  +, writes (31 March 2008):
 I think men just like to look, I know I do. I just feel the urge when I see a good looking woman, but I don't say anything about it out loud. My wife gets mad even when I look, I don't have to say anything.
I think saying things like that out loud is a bit much and crosses the line for the most part. I would let him know you do not like it and to keep his comments to himself. Its nothing wrong with looking discreetly but commenting is inappropriate I think.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): Right, an answer from the other side of the coin. I'm a female and I'm like your guy. I'm a perv and I can't help it. I've tried to stop making comments about other men, but it just slips out, because I speak as i find. It means nothing, and I actually like it when I'm going out with somebody who accepts it, the way I see it, is if i'm in a secure relationship with somebody i trust, saying " ohh! he's nice!" about the guy behind the checkout is just being honest. And in truth, i've only ever seriously fancied one guy- and i didnt say anything about that because I meant it there and i felt guilty. I understand its not nice and i don't like it when its done to me, but i make silly comments like this all the time. I'd never cheat and I never have, but i do like a nice looking boy, and as one of my exes said to me, as long as youre being honest, and joking about it- i know youre not up to anything. He may well not mean it, i don't!
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (29 March 2008):
 Some men have childish mentalities.They never grow up.
They have a single track mind and they do not know their
actions can cause you problems unless you bring it up to his attentions.
They feel it is just a harmless activity because they just speak out their thoughts.
It is like they can compartmentalize their love and their comments as separate ones.
Women find it hard to understand.
You can either ignore his comments or tell him your feelings.
If he likes to comment, just ignore him .
You know he is not comparing you ,it is just his mind is wired differently from yours.
...............................
A
female
reader, whatevergirl26 +, writes (28 March 2008):
 my husband does stuff like that too and he looks at porn on the net and i know this cause its on my computer. i don't say anything even though it bothers me but the crap is on my desktop so i have thought about just posting giant penises and hot six pack abs on it. would that be taking it to far?.i probably don't have the guts nor the know how to do it anyways. but it really does hurt when i hear how the other girls are "knock-out" and "well ur pretty too"
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): Jealously is never attractive. Try this, tell him you don't like seeing him making a fool of himself and that appears to be what he is doing by his one sided flirting and interest in women. Tell him you don't want them laughing at him or making comments about him behind his back. Its just makes him seem pathetic to flirt with these women who have no interest and he is making them uncomfortable.
...............................
A
female
reader, scythe  +, writes (28 March 2008):
 My dad makes comments like this infront of my mom and the rest of our family. Mom's just gotten over it by now I supose.
However, since you are dating and not married to him, I suggest you try and sort this out.
Tell him that you understand the fact that he can and will think other chicks are attractive - its human nature. BUT tell him to keep these comments to HIMSELF. It is unnecessary for him to tell you.
...............................
A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (27 March 2008):
 Hi there,
I wonder how he would react if you commented on every good looking guy in the room. I think you know the answer .
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 March 2008):
 Wow, you have a lot of really great answers from some of the best aunts on this site. I agree completely with Irish on her thorough analysis of why he might be doing this.
I can't add much more to these answers, other than to suggest some concrete coping strategies for you in dealing with this species of 'Jerkimus maximus.' This is coming from someone who is not a trained psychologist, by the way, so keep that in mind....
Dose of his own medicine. Ooh, that sounds like a really tempting idea, I have to say. But maybe it will only lower you to his level, and in a way, validate the unacceptable behavior.
Ignoring it. I think you tried that, and when your defenses were lowered by alcohol, you couldn't any longer. And it didn't change the behavior, right? Unless he hasn't made the same kind of comments since your row with him?
The other kind of ignoring it. If he does this again, get up, leave the table without excusing yourself, go off to the ladies' and stay there for 10 minutes. Time it on your wristwatch, don't go back to the table or wherever you are for a good solid 10 minutes. When you get back, and he asks, 'is everything all right?' say that everything is just fine. Repeat as necessary.
Engaging the enemy. When he does comment on a woman again, get up, go over to her, and talk to her, say something along the lines of 'My boyfriend thinks you're attractive, could you help me win my bet that I said you'd laugh at him? Could you pull a face at him for me, so I can win this bet?' Smiling all the while, of course. This is risky because she may not go along with it, but my bet is that most women would do it. The problem with this is that it is potentially humiliating for him, and might really backfire. But the thought of it is nice, isn't it? And honestly, maybe if this little fantasy played out in your mind after one of his comments, it might help you deal with it.
Dealing with him as if he were an adolescent. As he's behaving in an immature manner, treat him as one might deal with an irresponsible teenager. The whole 'I'm so disappointed' thing our parents used to use, it worked on me with great effect. Probably won't have much effect on him, as he sounds impervious to it, but here's a thought. Have a calm conversation with him about the fact that his comments are disrespectful to your relationship. Don't get upset, don't cry, don't row about it. Just let him know that this behavior causes you to have doubts about his maturity level. (I don't care how old he is.) Then, the next time he pulls the commenting stunt, quietly get up, say sadly, 'Sorry, but the evening is over for me.' Then leave, go home, and wait for the call that will inevitably happen. When you speak with him, sigh heavily, say 'I'm just so disappointed. I feel disrespected, and you continue on as if there's nothing wrong. I'm just so, so disappointed. I thought better of you. I thought you were a better man, and I'm kind of concerned about how vulgar you seem to be.' Or words to that effect.
Well, I really don't have much else to suggest, other than I hope this guy is really worth it, as he's been busy poking holes in your self-esteem. Don't settle for a fellow who is incapable of restraining his adolescent outbursts if it is going to eat away at you.
All the best.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): He does indeed, lack respect for you. Gosh, I often wonder why some men do this. I have even seen women do this to their men. Why do their own egos need such a boost by unsettling and unbalancing their partners, in this way? I look at people who 'do this behavior ' as being the insecure ones. (Secure, mature, people with respect for their partners, don't do this sort of thing,) People who unbalance their partners in this way, lack maturity and the self-control . They conciously make the comments about other people, dripping with sexual innuendo and when the offended partner calls them out on the bad behavior...suddenly they call you insecure, jealous!
Your behaviors are no such thing and when he says you are insecure, he is coming up with a a silly, painful rationalization for 'his' disrespectful behavior. Maturity is partially defined by the willingness to be held accountable, for one's actions. He needs to understand that as an older adult he can control his words and he must use behaviors that keep building up the integrity of this relationship, not ripping it down. Tell him this has nothing to do with your jealousies or insecurities, but it has a lot to do with his lack of respect and his less than honorable behavior in this relationship...plain and simple. And if he won't stop then you should begin to realize that sometimes, people never learn nor do they care to learn on proper ways to treat loved ones. Some people want their loved ones to believe they are' worldly people so they boast a bit..it simply bravado to feel good about themselves. What these people don't understand is their loved one is quietly scrutinizing these behaviors and wondering 'why the heck this person finds the need to do this?" In your case, your bf could eventually damage this relationship., by shaking up the process of trust building, crucial at the onset of new relationships. This relationship may seem fine right now, but I can see it as becoming painfully unbalanced in your future, if he doesn't stop his hurtful behaviors. If he does this again, be straight up, open, confident and strong about this. Set a few boundaries with him. Sometimes, being strong this way, makes him see that you are confident and strong...and won't tolerate his bad behaviors. Good luck hun and best wishes
...............................
A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (27 March 2008):
 Boy, are you with my ex or what???????? I was in the same boat and married, so I can only imagine just dating and feeling that way. NOTTA!
Tell him how you feel without arguing OR, better yet, do him the same way and flirt in front of him. You say you're attractive and intelligent. Use your looks and smarts and give him a taste of his own medicine. What have YOU got to lose??? Him???HA!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): His behaviour is totally unacceptable. It is most insulting. It is very chauvinistic. It is disrespectful.If he cannot see the error of his ways I suggest you give him some of his own medicine and make lewd comments about other men you see walking around when you're with him, make him feel inferior to them and see how he likes it!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): I say give the rude bugger a taste of his own medicine; make similar comments about other men when you're out with him. He won't like it - and when he shows evidence of that, be it by sulking or getting pissy or saying something to you, you can point out to him that if he doesn't like it being done to him, he shouldn't be doing it to you. If he doesn't wise up after that, drop him - he obviously doesn't respect you enough to be sensitive to your feelings.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): Honey don't give him the satisfaction of letting him know it bothers you.He is childess and lacks respect for you and the women he comments on. Dose he realy think he is that much of a stud? If I were you I'd give it right back to him don't be overly flirty with other men but let him see how it feels. good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (27 March 2008):
 Hi
I dont think confidence comes into it. Its rude in the least what he comes out with. Theres a lot of guys out there like it though! But i wouldn't mind betting its a bit of a game to him, and the fact you are fairly new, indicates that even more. He could be trying to put across that he's attractive to other women and you should feel lucky you have him! Once you have been together some time, i bet the trying to 'prove' himself will slow right down. I could be wrong! But you never know.
I would not be happy about it either though ive gotta admit. Obviously everyone window shops! But its tactless to come out with crap like that.
C xxxxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): I see your problem. Here, you've got to tell him that his comments are totally unfair on you. Tell him you know he's only having a joke, but to you it's serious, as it's lowering your self esteem. If he really does love you like he says he does, then he'll want you to be happy and comfortable when you're around other women.However, in a different light, he's saying the things that most other guys would just think.. So maybe it's good he's so open with what he's thinking! Honesty in a man is something so many women would love.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): It means nothing? I am on your side on this. It is inappropriate for him to do this except maybe at a drunken convention, where no one is sober.It is hard to be confident when your mate acts like a jerk. He needs to show better respect for you, whether he is with out you or on his own.It seems he feels he has an entitlement to his behavior, maybe because he feels stepped on in the past and now he feels no one can harm him, so he can just let loose.Good luck on this one, either he shapes up and respects you, or you may need to move on and find someone more respectful.
...............................
A
female
reader, SouthernBelle +, writes (27 March 2008):
 I am in somewhat the same situtaion except my boyfriend doesn't take it as far as to say things like that. I have confronted him about it and he just says "at the end of the day who do I come home with?" which makes me feel somewhat better but I still disagree with it. Men will be men and look at other women as well as women look at other men dating or not. I think him saying things like another woman is gorgeous in front of you in uncalled for and I would confront him again, sober and in a better manner. Just let him know it makes you feel insecure and like you aren't up to his standards or whatever.
...............................
|
