A
male
age
30-35,
*atinomusicus
writes:Ok so I posted an ad on Craigslist stating how disappointed I am with the gay community because it seem like most of the gay guys just want sex..so this really nice guy responded to my ad and said that he could relate to me because hes tired of the fuck,bang,cum, hookup guys and said he would love to get to know me..surprisingly it turned out we have things in common. He's a musician and plays a lot of the Musical instruments I play. Well. You maybe asking what's the problem. The problem is that he's not and since he's the worship leader at his church,he keeps torturing himself and saying how much he hates himself for being gay. I totally understand him because I play at church too and I was once a worship leader too,so I went through a lot of the things he's going through right now. Im out now and even the worship leader at my church knows!...anyway we met on Friday for lunch and then walked around downtown. Then he came to my town on Saturday and we went for a walk before we'd go to watch a movie. Since the first day I met him, we have been talking about his life. He has been seeing a therapist, and told me the therapist told him he needs to make a change in his life because he cannot continue living like this. Hes afraid of coming out because he's family is super conservative, plus he loves being a worship leadr, but he keeps torturing himself and saying how he thinks being way is wrong because the bible says so....On Saturday on our walk, we stopped at a really nice kinda hidden place and just stayed there talking and enjoying the view. He seemed so depressed and kept telling me how he wants to come out sometimes but then he pictures all the things that could happen and that's when he gets scared. He has been hooking up with a couple of guys, and wants to stop that but doesn't know how to. He keeps sayi g how the guys he has met care only about sex...at that moment I felt he needed someone to show him how much hes worth and that there is actually someone that cares about him. So while talking I put my hand on top of his, and I looked him straight at his eyes and told him that I know he can get the courage to come out and do the things he. Needs to do to feel better about himself. Seeing how his face expression went from a depressed one to a expression with hope made me so happy that I pulled him towards me and hugged him.we hugged for a long time and I kept telling him everything's was gonna be alright and to take a baby step at a time. Things started to get a ill heated up that we ended up making out...while making out he told me I seemed different, he felt he was making out with someone he felt he cared for and didn't get that annoying feeling he got when he randomly hooked up with random people. I was happy because he was happy and he was smiling.,after our chat we headed to his car while holding hands. Then went to his place, watched a movie, cuddled, and made out. We didn't had sex, but when we kissed we kissed like we were in love...My question is how can I help him deal with this? He was so happy but after we were done making out he got depressed again, Im wiling to take the risk of getting hurt, but I want to help him. I understand him because I went through the same thing, sometimes I wish I had someone by my side to help me go through this when I was still in the closet,
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): Watch the way things shift.
When thins might be ready, perhaps you can ask or tell him about it.
It seems like a lot of the value from what you're doing comes from your being there with him, from being connected.
Something to connect to that has to do with what he may want in the future.
So, if moving doesn't look correct to do together, and moving out of state looks correct to you, maintain a long-distance relationship. Let him know that you are there for him, perhaps.
Long-distance relationships can be relationships of the heart and mind, and very deep.
Even without the physical element, and that being difficult when apart.
Alternatively, you could also consider leaving the table open at some point -- if you are okay with moving someplace together, or maintaining a long distance relationship, then perhaps you can leave to open, comfortably, for him. If you are there regardless, this makes it... "safe", in a sense - good for him to relax with whatever his decision might be.
Of course, you should be honest. As a human being, our tactics are merely tactics if not honest.
-Asexual [I do not identify a specific gender for myself and select default first, because we are all human, first.]
A
male
reader, latinomusicus +, writes (11 June 2012):
latinomusicus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi loves, thanks for responding and reading my long article.Loved all your responses. Im trying to be patient, trying to show him I'm there for him without making him feel like if I'm trying to pressure him to come out. He told me he would like to move somewhere where he can start fresh. After our talk on Friday, he started to look for music schools so he can go back to college and get a higher degree in music so he can continue doing what he likes and work somewhere where Ed Gina be accepted just the way he is. Im planning to move to another place by september. I was thinking moving to the city where he lives, but now I'm really thinking in moving out of state. I kinda want to tell him my plans of moving away and ask him if he'd like to come with me, but I think it is too soon!?but I just only have like 3 months to put all of these together...
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A
female
reader, Justinara  +, writes (11 June 2012):
The best way to help him is to remind him that you are always there to help him and be a good friend. you can't pressure him to do anything because ultimately he needs to find a source of courage and do it himself. He has a choice either to live a lie and have a lot of secrets or come out and possibly get rejected but maybe feel a bit more free.You can encourage him and everything but, eventually you will get bored with him acting like that. You probably have to tell him to quit feeling crap and do something about it. Its his call, and there is not much you can do. I am thinking if he is young, give him time, when he gets the courage he will do it. Maybe you both could move away together and start fresh. Think creative, and be patient. If you really wanted to interfere you can tell his parents, but that won't be a good idea. Take him to a good support group.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (11 June 2012):
 I don't think you need any help at all to help him through this, you seem to be doing an excellent job already!!
Of course he is going to be filled with fear and his situation whilst similar to yours, may not be completely the same...everyone is different and there are no rules about how long it should take...some people never come out and live a double life their whole life!!!
So you have both had casual hook ups in the past...most people have both gay and straight so nothing to be ashamed of there but you are at the beginning of something special and have so far handled it well!!
Your two key words are 'gentle' and 'patient', don't rush him or get frustrated because that is just counter productive. Be direct open and understanding to his doubts and difficulties.
There are no guarantees, you either grow together or things don't work out but right now, you are enjoying good times with him, special walks, talks and cuddles...just take things as they come and let it unfold naturally.
Also don't rush into sex too soon or start throwing the 'love' word around, like any relationship, it can kill things stone dead whilst they are so fragile and you are both getting to know one another.
Relax, enjoy, be a good friend and have faith...
You are doing that already so carry on and hopefully good things will come of it!!!
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2012): Hello. That is so sweet. Couldn't help but tear. Aii .. actually you should know how to help him no? You wen through the same thing.. how did you get past it? maybe you can encourage him to do the same things you did. How did you find courage to do it? How did you come out to everyone? Maybe you can bring him to your church.. let him meet your people who accept you for YOU. Let him know that iin this day and age, for all the number of people who hate on him he will have 2 times the amount of supporters. I think the both of you are so beautiful together. Sounds absolutely magical and the fact that you care so much. It's so beautiful. I wish I could find love and support like that... But i know how hard it is to help someone so broken and distraught. Don't stop trying. It iwll get hard on you.. but I hope u can perservere. The best thing you can do is have a support group. A group that has coming out stories to share with him. A groupt hat will hold his hand through this. A group that will show him it's NOT the end of the road.
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A
female
reader, malletchick76 +, writes (11 June 2012):
 My best advice is to just be by his side and take very small steps. Because family and church is so close to him, he won't be able to accept himself just yet. If he says he feels horrible for being gay and wants to torture himself for it, get him to be verbal and open about it. Ask him why he feels that way. Maybe if he hears it himself, it will start to sink in. Best of luck :)
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