A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating for over a year. In the early days he was relatively tidy.The guy is increasingly becoming a slob. His whole place is like a teenages bedroom clothes, rushbish, hangers, money etc chucked on the floor, plates piled up in the kitchen scum and food on work surfaces,in and around the sink. The bathroom is dirty and disgusting with urine stains on around the toilet, a mixture of dust, mouthwash and toothpaste on the floor. The sink and bath is filthy. To use it I would have to clean it before i use it. I have told him numerous times that I don't like being there,it doesn't feel homely, I dont want to move in with him as want to be a girlfriend not the live in cleaner. That he makes me feel down and like I could go one of two ways, not caring and living like him or developing a cleaning ocd if things don't change. He wants marriage and kids one day. I don't know if I can see a future with him now I dont want to be a nagging women and I don't want to live like that. Am I being unreasonable?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 March 2017):
 No you are in your rights to feel worried, I know I would be. Our home sometimes gets messy at the weekends when we just want to relax and I am okay with that, but we both help in the house and that is the way it needs to be. You both either need to work together or else it will never work.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (10 March 2017):
 You are not being unreasonable. He sounds like such a slob. Yuk...I don't think I would even want to be in his apartment, let alone move in with him. The sad thing is, no matter how much you talk to him or try to coax him into being neat and tidy, he's not going to do it unless he really wants to. If he's really a messy (and rather disgusting) person and just doesn't care he'll only clean up because you ask him to. He wouldn't be doing it because he wanted to, you know?
I wouldn't move in with him. I wouldn't even date him. A messy untidy guy wouldn't appeal to me in the least. You aren't his mom, or his caretaker and shouldn't have to tell him to clean up his place.
Sometimes its just best to move on than waste your time and your breath. This is one of those times.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 March 2017):
 Actually, it's for this very reason why people should never rush a courtship or dating situation, because only with time do people's REAL natures emerge. In this case, hygiene and basic upkeep of one's living space is essential. For me, I actually consider it a dealbreaker if a guy neglects his personal hygiene as well as his living space hygiene.
This isn't about doing chores. Chores are vacuuming, laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, ironing, mopping, doing dishes, cooking, paying bills, going to the grocery store, and that sort of thing.
Picking one's own clothes up off the floor and folding/hanging them up, cleaning up urine stains and taking out the trash aren't mere chores, they're HYGIENE related. Living in squalor is absolutely unacceptable. It's not about being some neat freak and flipping out at a book occasionally left on a coffee table or the toilet paper roll being put on the ring backwards (I actually have to re-install it forward, but that's my thing!), this is basic cleanliness.
I would not stay with a guy who didn't clean himself and who hadn't outgrown his nasty teenage disaster area phase. I have a teenage son and I don't let him get away with it. Even now, he's starting to police his own room, which is the whole idea. Any moms on here - this is exactly WHY it actually harms a child to be cleaning up after them all the time after they reach a certain age.
Mouthwash and toothpaste on the floor? How the hell does that even HAPPEN??? I'd be strongly suspicious about any OTHER liquid substances being on the floor as well, and I wouldn't be able to handle it. No *WAY* would I ever consider moving in with a guy like that, because I'd go crazy, or murderous, or murderously crazy! I lived in the country part of my life, and squalor attracts rodents and insects out there.
What makes this even more unacceptable is the fact that the guy DOES know how to keep house. You saw him being tidy at first because you were newly dating, and he didn't want his squalor to put you off, but now that you both have gotten serious, he's letting down his hair.
In my opinion, the only way I'd exist with a guy like this is if he had the means to hire a housekeeper on a regular basis, because like you, I didn't sign up to be his maid or his mother, and you didn't either. That stuff strains relationships when it doesn't need to.
Opposites aren't a good idea when it comes to couples in the cleanliness department. Cluttery people belong together, and neat freaks belong together, and everyone in-between. But nasty, messy, unhygienic adults should know better. HE knows better.
You said that you spoke to him about this already? What was his response? I'm gathering that by your post here, he hasn't changed, right?
Honestly, and I HAVE made a dating decision based on visiting a guy's apartment and finding it so messy as to be seedy, I decided not to date him. It's a dealbreaker, and if you've spoken to him about it already and he hasn't changed, and it's a dealbreaker for you, you need to end it. Do not give him an ultimatum, because they don't work, or they work for the short term only to revert back in days, weeks, or even months. He has to want to change for himself, as you can't and shouldn't change him or demand that he changes. You can only decide how compatible you are and act accordingly.
You need to take things beyond words now, because words have already shown that they don't work, and I am 100% sure that if you stop at words and don't change anything, you WILL become his maid. You WILL spend your life in urine stains and squalor, and you WILL become that nagging woman that he tunes out. All of that only gets so much worse when marriage and kids enter the scene, because young kids are natural mess-makers, and he will not help you stay on top of it.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (10 March 2017):
 So he was relatively tidy in the beginning I wonder what switched him off from cleaning cause it smells like he might be depressed or just moved out from Mommy's home?
If there's no legitimate cause, like unemployment or an illness then he's simply bone filthily lazy which in turn makes you or anyone stepping into his pig palace feel depressed and turned off.
How does he behave at your place? Does he help with the dishes, manage to pee in the toilet, not on the floor?
I wonder about his own hygiene? Does he keep himself tidy, shaven, hair combed, are fingernails cleaned, teeth brushed etc? Did any of that toothpaste and mouth wash get inside his mouth before it started living on the floor?
By the smell of things it's a PIG PALACE and anyone sane would go bonkers living in such conditions. He needs an intervention, a wake up call by the sound of it, if he thinks his standard of living is acceptable.
I believe this guy is just short from pissing in the kitchen sink and thinking it's OK. I feel like disinfecting myself just thinking what you sadly put up with.
The mind boggles, why stay with him, what are his other, if any overwhelming convincing positive qualities?
Take Care - CAA
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A
female
reader, Guardian wings  +, writes (10 March 2017):
I'm a messy person myself. But what you just described makes me want to vomit. It also reflects his mind. He would never bother to pursue goals and take up responsibility. How can he go ahead with work and productivity with things in that state around him? It's kind of sexist to expect you to clean his mess. Don't even bother marrying him. He'll turn you into a housekeep and maybe even the sole breadwinner if he can have his way.
Although I am not particular about the way things are kept and my cupboard or bed maybe a little clumsy, I cannot stand lack of hygiene! Urine stains are way beyond the limit anyone can tolerate. And it does make me happy to see my room well arranged after a weekend's cleanup.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2017): [EDIT] "A lot a goes try to pass that crap off as being studly and manly, and cleaning is woman's work."
Correction:
"A lot of guys try to pass that crap off as being studly and manly, and cleaning is supposed to be woman's work."
Sorry!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2017): Whoa and NO! I'm a clean-freak! I need things clean and tidy; and the porcelain has glisten, be spotless, and sterile! You can see your face in the chrome fixtures!
He's used to his mum being the maid, and hasn't learned to keep his own den clean. Which means unless you do it, it will not be done. You'll be constantly cleaning-up after him and chasing him around like a big kid. You need someone who'll pitch-in. A disheveled and messy house is hard to live in. You can't find stuff and it's too embarrassing to invite guests.
A slob makes a lousy boyfriend, and even worse of a husband/father. You can walk-out on a boyfriend; but you have to live with or divorce a husband. Not to mention his dirty habits, which means constant clean-up after him. Dirty dishes, sitting garbage, and leftover food means mice, rats, and roaches. I shutter to think!!! Lets not talk about dirty clothes piles and the stench!
How's he as a mate and boyfriend? How's his personal hygiene? He'd have to be one heck of a guy with the greatest personality ever! It wouldn't be congruent with the sloppiness, however. He probably doesn't pay his bills on time, and lets things go until the very last minute. Now that would be consistent with poor housekeeping.
I've never known a slob who groomed himself well. They're usually unkempt, messy, scruffy, and smelly. They never dress appropriately for an occasion, and have an overly simplistic wardrobe. They try to pass that slovenly hot mess off as macho. Bullsh*t!!! It's nasty, lazy, and immature!
You can be a man, and clean-up after yourself. My dad (God rest his soul), all my brothers, brothers-in-laws, and myself help our mates clean, we cook, and do laundry. My boyfriend has a housekeeper come in three times a week; but his place is always immaculate, same as my own.
If he can afford a housekeeper, I suggest he get one to come in a couple of times a week. Don't give-in and clean for him; but teach him how. Refuse to come over unless the place is clean from top to bottom.
He can also have a professional housecleaning service come in and do the heavy cleaning; and then it's maintenance from then on.
How did you commit to this guy without knowing he's such a slob? That for me is a deal-breaker. He doesn't have to be a clean-freak or anal, but he has to be clean and show maturity. A lot a goes try to pass that crap off as being studly and manly, and cleaning is woman's work. Yeah, right!!! So why do they do white-glove inspections on your living quarters in the military? You have to have sharp creases, folded covers on the bead, and not a speck of dust!
Clothes have to be folded and hung neatly. There's nothing girly or prissy about it.
Sister, I'd have to ditch the guy. I can't live in filth, and I don't want to sleep with someone who lives like a pig.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 March 2017):
 YUCK, just YUCK
I could see if he was BARELY out of his teens, early 20's that keeping his place just a LITTLE clean might not be a high priority, but seriously OP? What are you thinking?
SO what that he wants kids and marriage? Sure, he knows what to say to keep you staying. Close you eyes for a minute and think about his NASTY home and then consider this, IF you stay with him, marry and have kids... WHO do YOU think HE would expect to CLEAN up after him? His piss on the floor, dirty dishes, laundry, you name it?
You shouldn't have to "nag" a GROWN ASS man to keep his place clean enough that you can visit without throwing up in your mouth at every turn. It's disgusting.
I presume he is in his 30's like yourself, so do you REALLY see him change this behavior? Because I don't. He is a filthy pig and he seems to LIKE it. WHY n Earth should YOU clean up after this man?
Let him go. It's NOT too much to have as a standard that someone is hygienic within his living space.
*shudders*
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (10 March 2017):
 Am I being unreasonable?
Yes you are acting contrary to good reason and self interest. You are continuing to date a guy you see no future with.
Or did you mean Are you unreasonably for thinking of dumping him?
No that is actually the most reasonable thought you could have. Always leave a man you aren't attracted to.
Don't nag, don't live like that, live as you like and with some one who doesn't have to change to be attractive to you. You can do better.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (10 March 2017):
 Look at the person you become when you are with him and ask yourself if you want to be like that for future years to come. Your life will be one round of nagging and cleaning. Doesn't sound like a great deal to me.
If he truly wants to make a go of things with you, he has to make an effort. If he is not prepared to do that now, then there is no way he is going to years down the line. Women often make the mistake of thinking they can change their blokes; they only change if THEY want to.
Can you imagine having kids to run around after and clean up after, and then having this adult child to do everything for?
I would be cutting loose sooner rather than later and looking for a partner who values me enough to make an effort.
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