A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey there guys/gals. I am in need of help :/ Let me explain: I am 18 and have a boyfriend of a little over a year and known him for about 6 years. We both have dreams and aspirations as many others although he's not very fond of mine. My dream is to make a career of the military. He is completely against the idea. I'm currently going to the process to join the Army National Guard. Mind you when "Steven" and I first got together I talked about this and of course he didn't like the idea but was content with it. I told him I wanted to enlist before we got close for this exact reason. It's either him or my dream. I'm so stressed out about this. I'm loosing sleep and not eating right, I'm not focused at work and we fight about it constantly. Oh, and to top it all off, I'm leaving to MEPs to take some military test, my physical and hopefully enlist all just next Tuesday. I don't want to break up with him because I love him. He believes that if I join we wont last and I will end up finding someone else or loosing interest. How do I choose between my dream and my love? If all goes well I will be going to basic in 5-45 days after MEPs. What should I do? PLEASE HELP I'M SO TORN!! )':
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advice I will take it into great consideration! I'm starting to realize things I haven't before. I couldn't say thanks enough.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (9 November 2012):
Go follow your dream, girl.
I would never stop my partner from going after their dreams for me, I'd hate myself for it. For me to be happy my partner needs to be happy. That's what a relationship is about: caring and adapting to each other's needs and desires. If he cannot do that he's not the guy for you and your relationship will end regardless of whether you do this or not.
I know you love him, but he doesn't love you enough to support you and let you do what you need to do. If he really trusted you he would have faith in you and the relationship.
["He believes that if I join we wont last and I will end up finding someone else or loosing interest."]
Well, that's about the biggest insult he could have given you. It however also shows who he is: if you guys won't last it'll be because of him, because he's not strong enough to back you. You have to ask yourself if that's the kind of person you want to give up everything for.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): I've been in a very similar situation, and I didn't make the choice that was right for me. Here's my story to help you with your tough decision (because I know very well it's not easy).During my years of high school, I started a long-distance relationship, and it was the most intense thing I had lived in my whole life. My boyfriend lived about 1 hour away from my town, but during my last high school year he decided to move where I lived so we could see each other more often. Things went awry when I graduated and had to choose which college to go to. I always had very good grades, so I could literally get in anywhere I wanted. I had been dreaming about becoming an anthropologist, but the closest institution offering such a program was about 2 hours away...My boyfriend wasn't able to follow me there, since he had enlisted for 2 years in a graphic design school in my hometown.Needless to say, it strained our relationship something bad. I became very anxious that I might lose him if I chose to follow my dream, even though I was barely 18, just like you. We had done the long-distance thing before he moved close to me, but I knew we wouldn't make it if I had to go away for 3 years. It torn my heart to pieces, especially since we had spiraled down into a very unhealthy pattern of dependancy and manipulation. I just could not let go of him. I wasn't able to. He didn't want me to either...He kept saying things to discourage me or make me feel like I would be miserable away from him, because he was well-aware I had self-confidence issues.In the end, I chose not to study anthropology. I decided to stay - I chose my boyfriend over my dream out of guilt, fear and dependancy. However, life is ironic sometimes. A few months after I was fully registered in my hometown's college, the unhealthy nature of our relationship hit me in the face and we broke up. We had been together for 3 years, no less, and friends for a year before that. So here is my advice: at our age, life changes very fast because we are still maturing into adults and developing our personalities. I think you - just like I was - are too young to take important life decisions based on the other people in your life. You probably feel like this relatonship is precious, and you don't want to lose it because right now it is an important part of your life. I've been there, I know how it is.But at this point of your life, you have to make choices that will impact the rest of your career (even though there is room for mistakes too!). Don't decide according to what other people want. Maybe they won't even be in your life in 5 years...but the consequences of the decisions you took will be. Lastly, some relationships can handle separation very well. A friend of mine went away in Finland for 5 years to study, and she is still with her boyfriend today! It's like love is a fire, and absence is a gust of wind. The small ones will be blown out, the big ones will just grow even more.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 November 2012):
 You don't say he's forcing you to choose. You're said that he didn't like the idea, but rolled along with it even so. That he was CONTENT with it. Content is not the same as opposing it. So far YOU are the only one thinking you will have to choose. He doesn't like your career path because he worries he will lose you. Not because he wants to deny you your dreams. As long as you and him work on things, and as long as you show him that your relationship will still go strong, despite you being away alot, then I don't think this will be an issue. Your boyfriend is WORRIED that this will make your relationship impossible. He is worried that YOU will leave HIM. He, on the other hand, is CONTENT with your career choice and wants to stand by your side.
I don't understand why you are stressing yourself out over this, or why you think you must choose. If you really think that a relationship is impossible for you, when you follow this path, then it isn't your boyfriend who is making you choose. It is YOU who are forcing YOURSELF to choose.
But, people in the military have relationships. They get married, they have children. So why can't you? Sure, it's difficult, and it brings a different form of complication to a relationship, but every relationship has it's own complications. It's not like life with your boyfriend would be a breeze as long as you didn't follow your dreams, but did something else. There would still be problems, challenges, complications.
You are the one who thinks you need to choose. Your boyfriend isn't forcing you to choose, he is only requesting that you and him stay together, and requesting that you and him work on your relationship to make it last. That is what he wants. I don't see a conflict of interests here, I only see you stressing yourself out. Both of you want to be together, so what is the problem? Stay together...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 November 2012):
 Never give up your dreams.
It's that simple. And yes, it IS possible you will meet someone else, it is possible HE will meet someone else while you two are away from each other. But there is also the possibility that you two CHOOSE to make it work.
He shouldn't try and control your life in this way. It just isn't right.
Good luck on your test!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 November 2012):
 This is easy for me.... the person that forces you to make a choice is the loser ALWAYS.
I have friends... I have been friends with them since 2002. Last year when my now husband and I got serious, the wife said to me "my husband can't stand your boyfriend, you will have to make a choice us or him"... I'm married to HIM now... see them when we run into them and ended a lovely friendship....
go for your dream. if he can't cope with it, then he's not the right partner for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): I understand your boyfriend's position on this, but I also understand yours very well. My gf was once looking to go into a field that required her leave for as much as 10-years (in a country on the other side of the world). I didn't like the idea, but I did my best to hide those feelings because I didn't want to be the reason she gives up her aspirations (especially due to guilt). I loved her, so I supported her. It was pretty simple. Eventually she pressed the issue and asked how I felt about it, and I told her I'd miss her and didn't know what I'd do without her for so long, but that we'd try to call often or chat online. She said I could always go with her, but I explained that my dream wouldn't work there. I had already considered long and hard the school I wanted to attend also.Eventually, she graduated, and her idea of what she wanted to do with her life shifted to something different (I didn't try to influence that decision), and she wouldn't be going to a different country. I later graduated earlier than her (she's two grades below me), and was looking to go to school in the same state, but still far from her. She was very unhappy with this, and she had no qualms about letting me know. She wasn't mean or nasty about it, but she was obviously sad and unhappy. I considered holding off for a couple years so she and I could go to school together, but eventually went to a different school in the area for the same major (after a friend began attending it and vouched for it, and also said that if I wait to go, I probably won't). I took the advice, went to the closer school, and now, years later, I regret the whole mess.The school had a poor system, and poor instructors (several of the better ones were let go for not having a high enough degree to teach there when they shifted their paradigm for the school), leaving us with less flexible hours and less qualified teachers. Long story short, I'm no longer with that school, and I regret not following my dream the way "I" wanted. Don't give up on your dream for anyone.That said, your bf isn't immature for not wanting you to go into the military. It's a dangerous job and you'd be gone for a long time. To the other women here, it's not as clear cut as you make it sound. Sure it's a bit selfish, but it's warranted in this case to a degree. As for you finding someone else; it's not impossible. Plus it puts a strain on the relationship to be this far from someone for long lengths of time. It's not at all comparable to a job at the bank or at your local McDonalds.I think you should talk to him and work out a way to talk every day (that you can) while gone. Being a military wife/husband is stressful (selfishly stressful but stressful), and he's got every right to feel that way. Sounds like he loves you and doesn't want to miss you or risk losing you. Try talking to him again, but don't give up on your dreams.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (8 November 2012):
 Your dream should ALWAYS come first. You are going to have to work every day of your life for the next 40+ years, so you need to love what you do otherwise you will be unhappy for the rest of your life.
I know you love your boyfriend, but at your age (and believe me when I say this), boyfriends come and go. Yes you might work out, but there is every chance that you will grow apart as you get older and this wont last, so imagine if you gave up on your dream only to find in a year or two's time that you break up, leaving you without a boyfriend and without your dream job?
And remember this - if your boyfriend truly loved you he would support you in achieving your dream. Instead he is being selfish and only thinking about himself, rather than supporting you. When you love someone you want the best for them, you want them to be happy and want them to be successful. So you would never stand in the way of their happiness, even if it worried you, you would let it go and support them in achieving their dreams.
Your boyfriend is being selfish and immature, and clearly only cares about himself, not you. Dont pin all your hopes onto this relationship lasting, because I think there are already problems if he doesnt support you and doesnt trust you to stay faithful to him. Boyfriends come and go, careers are forever. Dont let him take your dream away because you will resent him forever - follow your dream and hope for the best with your relationship. Hopefully he might prove himself and realise this is what makes you happy, but if he doesnt well its his own loss.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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male
reader, MrShinra +, writes (8 November 2012):
I think it's less about the military and more about his fear of losing you. For some people, distance can kill a relationship. He may feel the idea of not having you physically near him in his life would be far more painful than if the two of you just went ahead and ended the relationship.Personally for myself, I would be okay giving up my dreams if it meant being with the person I love. But that's the issue you're facing. What matters most to you? Your career or your love? Would you resent him for it? Then yes, you guys should call it quits. The other option is that the BOTH you work HARD at maintaining your relationship despite the distance. That means sending emails, web cam, sending each other gifts from time to time, take trips to see one another. That is a lot of work. I'm sure there are others here who have dealt with loved ones who serve and many of them don't survive. But many do as well.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 November 2012):
 If it's your dream , and not just a fancy or a whim, ...
your dream wins hands down. Over Steven and over any other guy.
Steven may be a wonderful bf, but, let's face it, how many are the odds you'd still be with your teenage years bf 20 years from now ? Ridicolously low. You may be passing up a golden opportunity to make your dream come true.... all for a boy that in few years will be old history.
Plus, maybe he is not even that wonderful as a bf. He sounds to me like an insecure , immature whiner. What does it mean " you could get interested in someone else " if you join the military ? Sure you could ! You could also do the same if you worked in a bank, in a hospital , or at the local McDonald . A strong relationship is not the one which is kept under a glass jar and kept accurately away from any challenges or external influences, a strong relatiosnhip is when you are NOT afraid to face challenges because you know you can make it last regardless.
To think as he does, he must have no trust in himself, or in you, or both.If he forces you to choose, you are better off giving him the old heave-ho without too many regrets....
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A
female
reader, Katiey +, writes (8 November 2012):
Listen love is about supporting one another's dreams it's about encouraging the person towards their dreams not pulling them aways.He sound controlling and unfair ask him I you stopped him from fulfilling his dreams how would he feel? Probably not overly impressed.What you have to think about here op is are you willing to give your dreams for someone you have been with for such a short time? If this person was already your friend prior to this surely they knew your plans to enlist? Why does he think you will find someone else or loose interest it sounds to me he is worried that you are gone so long that he does just that. I'm sorry to be so blunt but if he is not willing to support your dreams why kind of a future can you have? I assure you, if you give up your dreams for this unsupportive man you will deeply regret it, maybe not now but you will eventually.
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female
reader, melco75 +, writes (8 November 2012):
If he doesn't support you now, he will not support you in the future either.. Follow YOUR dreams, the rest will fall into place. Do not give up your dreams for anyone else!
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