A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Not sure what to do, with the man I thought I wanted to marry but he's been going through a stint of depression and has been taking it out on me in horrific ways. He acknowledges this, and is profusely apologetic - and on his good days, when it's clear that he has a higher level of esteem, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. When he's having a tough day, rather than face the problem upfront, he diverts his attention and picks on me...what am I wearing to work, why do I have X amount of (pardon the details, but it helps to show how awful I am made to feel) vaginal discharge on any given day, asks to see agendas to work meetings that he insists I invent, calls me at work to see if I am at my desk then hangs up, tells me that I look at men who are more muscular than he is...and on really bad days, tells me what a wh*re he thinks I am and to not make plans to move to Europe with him at the end of the summer and if wearing a long skirt to work was "easier for him" (who "him" is, is beyond me). And as always, per the pattern, the next day apologizes, says that he knows how awful he has been, that he's never been like that and he feels so out of control and he knows that we should be happy and wants to be, that I am the woman of his Life, etc etc etc. If we were to move to Europe, I would be very excited to start a Life there with him (he is from Italy, I am American), but the dependence that I would have on him is a little scary. I also need to point out that I have NEVER been unfaithful to ANYone and I would never dream of doing anything to hurt my boyfriend. I have fallen so deeply in love with him - before he started being like this - and that love has put me into what feels like a pit on some days.I guess my question is for people in their 20's and older who have been in situations/relationships like this...what side of my instinct should I listen to? My heart or my fear? I have said to him things such as "listen, I know that youre going through a tough time but I have to STOP sending you invites to my meetings just to show you that I have them" or "Stop checking my panties every time I get home from work, no it's not because I'm hiding anything from you, it's just because it's a terrible way to show your lack of trust for someone who would move across the world for you" and some days it works, other days it doesn't.Men who have been depressed, what would you suggest I do? Anyone who has been in a situation like this - with ultimate mistrust, what would you do?Help :(
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at work, depressed, discharge, vagina Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): Be really careful with how you handle this situation. Being Black is so right, I wish you all the best in the future and hope you can get out of this relationship.
Once you are out of this you will see how wrong his behaviour is. You have and are doing nothing wrong and you sound like a really great person, you shouldnt be dealing with this no one should.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): Be really careful with how you handle this situation. Being Black is so right, I wish you all the best in the future and hope you can get out of this relationship.
Once you are out of this you will see how wrong his behaviour is. You have and are doing nothing wrong and you sound like a really great person, you shouldnt be dealing with this no one should.
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A
female
reader, bobbles32  +, writes (11 June 2009):
 Please listen to beingblack. He really is right.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): i know exactly what your saying .i know you love him but you need to make him seek serious help. this is not healthy for you . you have to set the boundaries. like untill he gets help you wont see him. i know its drastic but it works . you have already said what you need to say to him. he needs to trust you or you need to leave. please help yourself dont let him do this to you
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 June 2009):
 I suggest he seek counseling. This is not a normal level depression. I have depression. I may not feel like getting up and being as active as I use to, but as a single parent, I don't take it out on my kids. Feeling depressed and taking it out on other are different characteristics.
I've heard of controlling behavior, but how much vaginal discharge. Come on, that is an abnormal behavior. I'd have to say, depression is not all that's going on in this situation. Sounds as if it's more of a bi-polar disorder than depression. He can live, without these outbursts, but I believe it will be helpful to seek medical attention in doing so.
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male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (11 June 2009):
 I am going to answer this question as honestly and fairly as I can, and without trying to make you feel like I am trying to scare or upset you.
I have four older sisters, three of whom suffered varying degrees of psychological and physical abuse over the years. One of my sisters dated a man just like this. He ended up beating her very badly on four occasions that I know of. I think there were others that she would not tell me about. From there, he stalked her for years, ignored restricting orders, went to court, broke down her doors, raped her several times, caused a miscarriage, and generally terrorised her for leaving him. The police did nothing, except prosecute me for beating the shit out of him when I bumped into him at the hospital, while my sister was in casualty.
When a man stoops so low as to check your panties for vaginal discharge, (he is really checking for seminal fluid) you need to think obsession, instead of depression. I know that depression can manifest itself in many ways, but I have seen this behaviour from up close, and from a distance. This is not the mentality of depression. He is seeking to control every aspect of your life, from what you wear, to what your thoughts might be.
I hope that nothing physical has happened so far. I also realise that this might be tough for you to believe. When your man is okay, he is the best partner in creation. But his behaviour will get worse the longer you stay with him, and if you continue to accept his apologies, he will believe that no matter what he does, you always will. I have so much to say on this subject. I have written many articles about it. PM me, and I will send you a link, or put you in the right area.
In the meantime, you should NOT allow him to check your panties, schedule, whereabouts or anything. It isn't a matter of trust. It's all about control and obsession.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (11 June 2009):
 You dont say if he has been to a dr for help with his depression... The picture I see is that he is an emotional abuser with very low self esteem. You do not deserve to be treated this way - then have to excuse his behaviour because it is 'depression'.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (11 June 2009):
 This isn't normal behavior for men that are 'depressed'. This is behavior from men who are jealous and lack in the entire trust department. But it looks like this guy is taking it to an extreme. Instead of listening to either your fears or your heart, listen to your head. It's fine if he has a bad day every once in a while and nags a little bit, but if this is going on a little more often than what makes you comfortable, it's time to sit down and have a talk with him. State that you know he's going through a difficult time, but you aren't the issue, so he shouldn't be taking it out on you. When he starts showing the signs of being grumpy, call him out on it before it gets out of control. If he isn't willing to change, he won't. That's the point in which you have to decide if it is worth sticking around with him anymore. Tell him that. State that it's not fair that he treats you like that. Say that you love him and you would never cheat on him, and if he continues to act like this then maybe it's time for the two of you to move on. Have you ever considered maybe he is acting like this out of his own guilt? Maybe he did something that he isn't exactly proud of in the cheating department, and is taking it out on you. If you're sure that's not the case, then you need to realize this isn't normal behavior out of depression and make your choice from there.
My boyfriend was depressed for a while due to various stresses in his life. He never took it out on me. In fact, he tried his best to hide his feelings from me. I think that's the natural reaction that men have from depression, not taking it out on their significant others. They don't like to show that they are bothered by emotions, and the only way I noticed was that his libido was down. And that he seemed to have something distant on his mind. Anyways! This isn't normal, fix it before it gets worse. Because believe me, it will get wrose.
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